The Ballad of Jaimie and Vera Ch. 09

"Oh my god, look what you did to my makeup!" She shouts from the bathroom.

"Sorry!"

"Don't be silly," she laughs. "I'm just teasing. Your father is gonna be home in about an hour, and Dave and Carol Ann about an hour after that. Do you wanna shower? Get cleaned up?"

I didn't know she meant with her, but two minutes later that's where I found myself. I wanted to be indignant about it but I just didn't have it in me. I was already thinking about Dave getting there. When I cried a little in the shower, Mom just held me.

"It's gonna be alright..."

Dad's arrival was wonderful. Mom had promised not to tell him anything until later, when I was ready, so there was no pressure. I could enjoy that it was great to see him. His hair is starting to turn grey, which I teased him about. He and I went off to the living room, and he put on the Lions game. I hadn't wanted a repeat, so I'd thrown on a sweatshirt and sweatpants. The dread started to settle in slowly as I watched the minutes tick down in the second half.

Dave had met Carol Ann in his sophomore year of college, when I was 15 and still in love with Dave myself. We'd never done anything else after that last summer, but I was hopelessly confident we would be together for real someday.

From the minute she walked through the door, I'd hated her. I was mean, passive aggressive, oblivious, underhanded, ignorant, and a hundred other negative adjectives to her. For her part, she handled it well. For a few years anyway. By the time I started in college she'd had enough, and any family visit that included both of us was either a cold war or so brief and hot that one of us left. Usually me, trying to play the martyr.

I hadn't really known why I hated her until Vera left me, but by then we'd already started alternating holidays so as to avoid each other. My parents really hated only seeing one of us at a time, but I was such a bitch about it that they really had no choice. Poor Dave was stuck in the middle.

I start hyperventilating when I hear Dave pull up. I try to blot my eyes dry as I stand up, but Dad just lays a hand on my shoulder.

"Why don't you just wait here, Jaims?" I nod glumly. Dad didn't trust that this was totally on the level. That was fair. I tried a phony tearful admission of guilt once before as an attention grab. Not my finest moment.

I sit there on the couch, hands pinched together between my knees, while my Mom and Dad happily greet Dave and Carol Ann at the door. After a minute, they start whispering, and I can just make out my Dad saying that I'm in the living room.

When Dave rounds the corner, I can't hold back the tears or stay seated anymore.

"Oh god, Daaave," I say as I wrap my arms around him for the first time in years.

"Missed you, Tyson." His hug is so warm. Dave always gave the best hugs.

"Missed you too," I sob into his shoulder.

Someone behind Dave clears their throat after a minute, and he lets go of me. It's quite a reveal when he backs up and there she is. Carol Ann Bradley. Her long blond hair is gone, cropped short in a pixie cut, and her belly is swollen, looking every minute of 7 months pregnant. That belly is, of course, the impetus for all of this. Her smile is a little forced and a little hesitant, but she doesn't walk out of the room. That's progress.

"I'm sorry isn't enough." She doesn't pretend to say that it is, but this is progress. I see Dad hovering on the hall, and he points in the room with a questioning look. I think he means do I want him there with us, so I wave him off. He gathers up Mom and they head into the kitchen.

We all sit down, me in Dad's recliner and them on the couch. The silence hangs for a minute as I try to figure out where to start.

"I guess... I..." My first attempt peters out. "Dave, did you ever, um, did you ever tell her about Clarksdale?"

"You asked me not to."

"What's Clarksdale?" She says, looking at him.

"Clarksdale was the last group home I was at, that we were at, before Chuck and Laura adopted us," Dave says. She nods, connecting the name to a place he's mentioned but hopefully never really discussed. "We were there at the same time."

"You've never really talked much about being a foster kid."

"Well...It's pretty much a downer from front to back."

"Still, I should have made you tell me."

"I wouldn't have told you this part."

Carol Ann leans back a bit out of shock. I get the impression they don't keep many secrets from each other.

"Don't be mad at him. It's my story to tell. I made him promise." It's hard to get started. I open my mouth a few times, but nothing comes out. Finally...

"On December 16th, 1999, I woke up in the middle of the night to someone putting a hand over my mouth. Vinnie DiTillo," I shudder a little, "was standing over me. He said 'Don't make a sound.' He had this little swiss army knife, and he was holding it right up against my eye. He kept...twisting it, so I could see it reflecting stuff. The moon. The light from the hall under the door. Then I heard his... crony... Jeremy down by the foot of my bed. He was taking his pants off..."

Carol Ann puts a hand over her mouth and stiffens, but her eyes are still wary.

"Vinnie looked back at his knuckle dragging henchman, and when he did," I nod at Dave. "he hit him over the head with a lamp."

"I heard he needed 32 stitches in that wound."

"Then Dave jumped across the bed and tackled the other kid. The whole room was up in a flash, and even though everyone started turning their lights on, no one else jumped in to help. Dave had Jeremy pinned on the floor and was pummeling him when Vinnie started to get up, but I jumped on his back and bit his ear. Pretty soon after that, the Night Supervisor came in and broke it up. Vinnie and Jeremy got split up into different group homes after that, and I became Dave's shadow."

"She used to follow me everywhere."

"When Chuck and Laura approached the adoption agency, they were only looking for a boy, but Dave wouldn't go without me." I can't stop from crying a little. "He almost ruined his best chance to find a home." I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down, and shake it out. "Sorry."

Carol Ann just nods, and waits patiently for me to compose myself.

"Most foster kids don't a chance like that. They just grow up until they're 18 and they're someone else's problem. Babies get adopted, but if you're over three you're damaged goods." There's still a lot of venom in me about that, and it's very painful to talk about. I have to take a few deep breaths to steady myself. "Anyway, yeah. Dave's insistence on going where I could follow changed their minds, and we both ended up getting adopted, but I still followed him everywhere. I slept in his room every night until he was...what...16?"

"I think I was 17."

"Yeah, 17 and I was 13."

"And you were nine when this happened?"

"Yeah. I followed him around on my bike. I'd go over to his friends houses, which they were never very happy about. To this day, I don't know how you got Coach Stevens to pick me up for your road games."

"Coach Stevens was my high school baseball coach," Dave explained. "I told him a little about her, and he agreed to pick her up from middle school with the team bus so she could come to away games." He starts to chuckle a little. "She used to sit at the end of the bench in an adult male batters helmet, totally oversized, and,"

"Dave, I don't... We... we can tell the funny stories later."

He nods reluctantly and sits back a little.

"Anyway, I didn't really grow up. I didn't have friends, and I didn't go out on my own. I was Dave's entourage, and God bless him, he put up with me."

"It wasn't like that, Jaimie. I wanted to look out for you."

"I know. But then, the summer before he went to Rutgers, I hit puberty, and I started to...erm... notice Dave." Dave gets kind of wide eyed. "He was my hero. He was my protector." I sniffle. "Ahh, damnit... nose is running." Dave and I both stand up at the same time. "Dave, sit down. I can get my own damn kleenex." Dave sits down sheepishly, looking a little confused. "Do you see what I mean though? It's been years, and he still wanted to just jump right up and take care of it for me. How could I not fall in love with him? Idolize him? I was 13, and he was everything."

Carol Ann takes a deep breath, as I've finally worked around to the point. Dave is bright red. She looks at him out of the corner of her eye, waiting for him to object or dispute something, but it's the truth. I sniffle again, and that reminds me that the reason I stood up was to go get some kleenex, so I do. By the time I sit back down, I've mostly gotten it back under control. Dave is looking down at the floor. "I'm sorry."

"Go on," she says, and it gives me pause that she said anything at all.

"Underneath it all it was just jealousy, even if I didn't know it. If I could drive you away, then maybe I could get Dave to look at me the way he looked at you. And I'm not saying this like it's some kind of excuse. The things I've said to you, about you, they're... they're inexcusable. I don't expect you to forgive me for any of that. I was awful to you. It makes me so embarrassed to think about." I can feel myself tearing up again, so I have to stop. Carol Ann looks... unmoved? "I didn't realize I'd had Dave on a pedestal until I was graduating from college. I'd already burned all the bridges, so I didn't see the point in coming clean. But then I heard you were pregnant, and it felt like the clock was ticking for me to try and fix some of the damage. My brother and his wife are gonna have a baby and... and... I'm gonna be an aunt."

Carol Ann nods slowly now. Dave is very solemn.

"Anyway, I'm just... fuck. I don't know. It's redundant to say something's inexcusable and then say I'm sorry."

Carol Ann is quiet for a few minutes. I just stare at the floor. I've said my peace.

"Do you remember the first time David brought me here?"

I swallow hard and look up to see that she's staring at me. Her expression is unreadable, but it's intense. I just nod.

"David had talked about you non-stop. Not just in the car, but for months leading up. He was so excited for us to meet. When I went to hug you that first time and you just pushed past me, I was shocked. But so was David."

"It hurt to be rejected like that, but it was worse to see David so torn up about it. You were making him choose between us. He's not one to cry very often, but the only times I've ever seen him tear up were after seeing you."

I lose the staring match. This is worse than I thought it. The awful knot in the pit of my stomach is growing spikes. I lean forward and run my hands down my face. She's quiet for a minute while I compose myself, and when I look up she continues.

"It was probably all the worse for you when he always took my side and defended me." She reaches out and takes his hand. Dave is very still, but his fingers tighten on her hand. It's easier to stare at their hands than it is to meet her eyes. Marginally.

"Every time you started something, David was the first one to call you on it. He always tried to get you to see reason, and he always stood up for me when you tried to pick on me."

It's not easier to stare at their hands. It's a visual reminder that I tried to steal him from her and she won. Reluctantly, I met her eyes again. Normally, my devious nature is a source of pride and fun, but this is... no. This is no worse than I deserve.

"I don't think you understand what I'm saying. Every time you've ever lied to me, David set the record straight." Dave looks over at her with just a hint of confusion.

"David?"

He just looks at her.

"Was any of that a lie?"

"Not one word," he says glumly. "Wait a minute! None of it was a lie!" Carol Ann isn't smiling, but but she isn't frowning. David is suddenly very excited. I don't get it.

"It's pretty hard to swallow anything you say, given our history, and that was the most fantastic story you've ever told me. Way worse than that thing with the cat."

The cat incident. Maybe the despicable cry for attention I ever pulled. Certainly top three. It's not a great moment for me now either, now that I see what she's getting at. I wasn't lying and she knows it, but it took the strength of their relationship to prove it. It's not nothing, but it's certainly not a banner moment.

"Dave, you know this isn't your fault, right?" I interject. Carol Ann doesn't seem pleased I did, but she also doesn't disagree. "You didn't make me into a monster by coddling me." Dave nods, but his red-rimmed eyes tell me he's lying.

"I own my mistakes. They're mine, like scars. You don't get to take them. You were only trying to help me, and you deserve a goddamn medal for it, you understand?!" He nods again. Carol Ann was right. The worst part of all this is watching what it does to Dave. I do feel like a monster.

"This is the first honest conversation we've ever had then."

I nod.

"You know, most people will tell you that the hardest part about lying is keeping up with the lie. All the little extra lies you have to tell to maintain the original one." She pauses for a moment. "That's bullshit. The hardest part is coming clean."

That breaks the levee. I start sobbing uncontrollably, hysterically. It's like a dive I can't pull out of, only spiral farther into. A few seconds later, Dave sits down on the armrest and pulls my head into his lap. I curl up into a ball in the recliner, and he strokes my hair. It feels like it takes forever to calm down, but when I do, Dave is sitting on the couch across from me. It was never Dave next to me; it was Carol Ann.

She didn't say it was ok. She didn't forgive me. I wouldn't have wanted her to. What I did for years and years was not ok, and her letting me out of it would have been a lie. The honesty feels better, even if the lie might have been nice for a while. Dave went and got us all some water, although he was gone far longer than it takes to get three glasses and fill them from the Brita.

"Really, you owe me a huge debt of gratitude," I say, smirking at Carol Ann while I finally get my face dry.. "I'm the only reason he got any sex before he went to college."

"What? That's ridiculous!"

"You think pretty girls just walk up to guys at the mall all the time?" Dave is stunned. "It's true. I got him laid."

"You did nothing of the sort!"

I can't help but grin. "When I figured out that he hadn't ever had a girlfriend because I was always around, I decided to try and find one for him. I would just walk up to girls and be like 'Would you like to date my brother? He's really cute!'" Carol Ann laughs at my tiny little girl voice and at Dave's incredulity.

"You did that?!" He cries.

"Yeah! I got five girls to go up and talk to you."

"Wait a minute," Carol Ann says, getting serious in a heartbeat. "You just told me you've been giving me the bitch treatment because you were jealous of me, but now you tell me you also conspired to get him laid?!"

"Yeah, I know. It's wild up here," I say, pointing to my head. "I stopped after the fifth girl, the black girl?" Dave nods, but he's floored. "I wanted to be helping him, but it wasn't as fulfilling for me as I thought it would be. I started to not like the way helping him made me feel. That's really where the coveting started." Carol Ann nods acceptingly. "Five girls turned into three one night stands."

"Not exactly," Dave said, finally snapping out of his stupor. "My first summer back, after my freshman year, I reconnected with Shauna."

"The redhead?!"

"Yeah..." He looks over at Carol Ann to see how she's handling this fairly frank discussion of his sex life, but she seems mostly amused.

"Good for you, Dave. She was hoooot." Now they're both looking at me. I think I might have overemphasized how hot she was. "Oh. Yeah, well, I guess now is as good a time as ever. I'm gay. Well, bi." Carol Ann just nods. I don't know what I expected her to say to news like that, but nothing is fine with me.

"Do Mom and Dad know?"

"I told Mom. I assume she's probably telling Dad right now."

"Well I'm glad you felt like you could tell us."

"What can I say? She makes me a better person."

"When did you know?" Carol Ann says. I'm a little shocked that she chimed in, but I recover quickly.

"Uhm, in college? Do you guys remember Vera? You only met her like twice, and both times were pretty brief..." I wince, knowing that it was brief because of me. Carol Ann is grimacing.

"She looked like she wanted to punch me."

"Yeah, I um... I might not have painted a fair picture of you. I corrected that later though."

"Are you two still together?"

"Well we broke up right before we graduated, but we got back together earlier this year. It's been... really great."

After that, the conversation hit a lull. We all kinda sat back and took it all in. Mom and Dad bustled about in the kitchen, clinking things and mixing.

Dinner was good. I kept feeling like Dad was waiting for me to show my true colors and reveal the plot I'd been brewing to finally break up Dave and Carol Ann for good, and to be fair, I deserved that. But to everyone's shock, I didn't say much at all. I'd already said enough, and it was really nice to just be there. Really nice. I relished the little things. Being there to hand Carol Ann a roll, or Mom the bowl of corn. Coming home for holidays and having it just be Mom and Dad pretending everything was ok was never a satisfying experience.

It felt weird laying down in my old four poster bed. My parents had left my room mostly intact. Everything was still pink and frilly. It was at once a warm, comforting memory, and completely alien to who I am today. It's not what was keeping me up so late, but it was nice to have something else to think about instead of obsessing over every word choice I'd made with Carol Ann. Ugh, I must have replayed the conversation a dozen times already. Did I come off as too simpering, or too whiney, or too martyr-y...? I had wanted to finally make a good impression, and I was still nervous. Not to mention how things had gone with Mom before that. Christ, that was a weird wrinkle.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when there was a knock at my door.

"Come in?"

My dad poked his head through the door politely, and then followed through when he saw I was fully clothed. He'd entered my bedroom just like that ever since he accidentally walked in on me naked once when I was 14.

"Hey Jaims."

"Hey Dad. You havin' trouble sleepin' too?"

"Yeah, something like that."

I look over to see that it's just after 2 am. I slide up so I'm sitting back against the headboard just as he's settling down on the edge of the bed.

"Jaims, I wanted to come in here and apologize."

"What..." I stammer for a few seconds. "What do you have to apologize for?"

"I didn't believe you. I didn't believe in you. I thought we were gonna have another petulant tantrum on our hands. I was already in damage control mode before you got here, fearing the worst, and then... then I saw my little girl was turning into a woman. That was a huge thing you did down there, trying to fix things with Carol Ann. It was very mature."

"I wish I didn't have so many things to try and fix," I say, frowning at my knees.

"Rome wasn't built in a day. You made huge progress today. It's something to be proud of, not up at 2 in the morning obsessing about."

"How do you know that's what I'm obsessing about?"

He just looks at me.

"It's hard to feel good about it, Dad. I dug my own grave, and now I have to sleep in it."

He laughs loudly, and immediately clamps a hand over his mouth.

"OK, you're making metaphor bouillabaisse. That's gotta be a sign that you're too tired to think straight. Try to get some sleep..." He pats my knee and gets up. I want to ask him to stay; Dad has such a great way of cutting right to a point. I always feel like it takes me forever to drill down to the bedrock of something, but he just gets right to it. No muss, no fuss. It can be hard to hear sometimes, but it's always better at the end. "I'm proud of you." See?