The Best Gift

"Did you know he'd be here?"

"No. I had hoped he would not. We don't keep in touch. He does not know where I live. Can we keep it that way?"

"We will do that if possible, Ms. De Witt. Do you happen to know where Jack is?"

"He was going to see after his mother. She had a stroke after he hit me while trying to strike her. I don't know where they took her. Can you check with the EMS people?" The quiet male officer spoke into the microphone at his shoulder. Sass wondered how he understood the answer.

"How long will you be staying, in case we need more information?"

"I will be here until the rest of the family makes plans for someone to stay with Steve." Saskia then gave the woman her cell number.

Back home, Sol was racked with worry. Sass should have landed hours ago, but she had not called yet. Sol picked up her land line and called Rollie to ask if they were having Thanksgiving at home. She hated to look to be hunting for an invite, but she needed not to be alone for the holiday. Rollie had heard the story already, and Jess had insisted she be invited. He worried about her. She sat down and thought about calling Sass to make sure she was all right. She remembered how she had begged Isobel to come back when she left her. It only increased her humiliation in the end and caused Isobel to change her phone number. She had vowed she would never do that again. If Sass wanted to leave, she would not beg. Sol cried herself to sleep that night. She had convinced herself she had lost another girl to an ex-husband.

The next morning, her land line rang about half a ring and stopped. Sol jumped to pick it up, but there was only a dial tone. She got ready to visit Rollie and Jess for Thanksgiving lunch. As usual she dressed nice but casual. Sol took three bottles of wine to go with the food, all white. Sol really just wanted to stay home, but she was expected and would not disappoint them. The lunch was lovely: Jessup had worked hard, as did Rollie. Turkey with dressing, gravy, homemade cranberry sauce, roasted asparagus, and pumpkin pie. Jessup was concerned about Sol's sullen mood. He had seen how badly she had been hurt the last time.

"How is Sass's trip going, Sol?" Jess tried the direct approach.

"Jess, I don't have any idea. She hasn't called me. At least Isobel called."

"Sol, it's just one day. She's probably busy helping with dinner. Why don't you call her?"

"Jess, after last time I learned not to beg or be a pest. Besides, she told me she would call right after landing." Sol's voice cracked a little as she shoved her tears back.

"I want you to call me or Rollie if you get too depressed. Will you do that?"

"Sure, Jess. I do understand that there might have been a problem. Her father-in-law has terminal cancer, after all. I'm just a little apprehensive." The large man gave her a hug and kissed her forehead. Sol had liked Jess from the first. Sol complimented the food, and the three sat and talked about trivial things, trying to get Sol's mind off her worries. The distraction was successful for a while. Sol had guessed what they were trying to do. After she left, Jess phoned Del and asked her to keep a close watch on Sol. He knew this was much worse than the last time. When Sol got home, there was a note from Imani asking her to drop by. She went in to drop off her purse and grabbed her cell. Then she went next door.

Sol knocked on the door, and Del answered. "Come in, sweetie. How are you getting on?"

"Well, Del, I'm becoming better at stopping crying jags, but I still hurt. I can't believe this is happening again. I'm the dumbest person who ever lived."

"Sol, you were very careful. We all thought you were right and had found the one. I want you to know you have friends who care for you, not just us but Rollie and Jess."

"I know you all care, but somehow I have to deal again. I am still hurting from Isobel."

"I could never offer advice, but please come and knock on our door anytime it gets to be too much."

"Thanks, Del. You, too, Imani. I don't want to be a burden like the last time."

Imani felt it was time to add her thoughts. "Sol, the support you received last time helped you through the break up. No one wanted to see you hurt or would deny you help."

"OK. But I need to handle this as best as I can and grow up. I should leave you two in peace and head home to shower and sleep." Sol didn't make it to her door before her eyes started to seep a growing flood. She could just see well enough to unlock her door. Once she was inside she fell to the couch and cried until it was over.

The next two days were as hard as the previous but much lonelier. Sol forced herself not to burden anyone with her moping. She watched old movies and wept in solitude. Later in the afternoon on Saturday, Rollie called to check on her. She thanked him and told him not to worry. She had a hard time sleeping alone. She hated how she felt 'alone and unloved.' The home phone again rang a partial ring the next morning. Sol jumped for it but only heard the dial tone. She was longing to return to work on Monday. It would distract her. She only slept a few hours that night, but it would have to do. Luckily there was a coffee shop in her building. She stopped on her way in, getting a Danish and a large coffee. She was early but didn't care. She just started working, taking a bite of the pastry and sips of the hot drink.

"Sol, what are you doing in here so early?" her boss asked her.

"I couldn't sleep so I thought I would get in to work. Besides I have someone to pick up from Logan this afternoon. I wanted to make up some of my time to the bank."

"Nice gesture, but we already owe you time off. You have worked so much overtime. Not that I think poorly of your commitment to your job."

"Thank you, sir, but I always want to do the correct thing for everybody."

"Don't go overboard, Sol. OK?" Sol put up an OK sign as an answer because she was sipping her hot drink. Later that day she and Rollie talked over lunch. Sol knew he was checking up on her. One thing that had occurred to Sol was that Sass's diplomas were on her wall. They laughed and joked, and, in the end, Sol felt better. Work took her mind off of brooding over Sass, but when she got home, she was slapped in the face by her isolation from her love. The rest of the week went by in like fashion. Work gave her respite from loss. The nights alone were hell on her mind. She was glad for the sound deadening so Del and Imani did not have to listen to her sobs.

The weekend was dreaded by Sol -- all that time to just think. Sol could not distract herself from thoughts of abandonment. She did not sleep for fear of her dreams. By Monday she looked and felt like hell. Rollie grabbed her on the way in. "Jesus, Sol! What happened this weekend?"

"I couldn't sleep. I kept having nightmares about Sass." Sol was shaking from lack of sleep. She also did not eat all weekend -- no food enticed her. Rollie went out and got her a peach popover and a calming herbal tea. He went back to his office and called Jessup, explaining what Sol was going through. Jess called Maddie O'Callaghan, MD, to discuss Sol's case. He would not treat her, since she was a friend. Jess got Maddie's approval to have Sol talk to her, and then he called Sol.

"Hello, this is Ms. Delany. How may I help you?"

"Good morning, Sol. This is Jess. Rollie told me about your weekend. I think you should talk to someone about this before it gets worse."

"Maybe you're right. I don't want another weekend like that." Jess gave her the name and phone number of Maddie and highly recommended her. He and Maddie went back a long time. She was good with Sol's kind of problem. Sol made an appointment to see the doctor on Friday. She hoped this would help her. The week crawled by. Sleepless nights combined with very little food had Sol in a very sorry state by Friday. Maddie saw immediately that Sol was in crisis and had her sit and talk about her problem. It was obvious Isolde Delany was a very intelligent but hurt woman. Maddie thought that a course of anti-anxiety drugs might help her through this time. Sol did like the woman. She seemed to really care. She took the prescription as she left and planned to fill it on the way home.

Sol stopped at a pharmacy near her house. She needed to get home soon to use the bathroom but thought she could hold it for now. The pharmacist had to fill the Xanax and then go through all the warnings. Sol's bladder was letting her know its need. She paid and headed for her car. The drive home was made worse by the knowledge that there would be no Sass there. She started to cry and just made it to her apartment. She had a flight of stairs to ascend, then a walk to the end of the hall. Her thighs were clenched in an effort to avoid an accident. Her tears blinded her as she tried to unlock the door. She could not make out the keyhole so she tried to find it by feel. She missed over and over again. Then she felt the key slide part way into the slot, but it would go no farther. Then the key slipped out of her grip. Sol heard it land on the floor. She bent down and started patting trying to locate the errant key. Her left foot shot out from under her. She twisted a half turn and landed hard on her rump. She felt the spreading warm wetness: she had lost control of herself and was peeing all over herself.

"NOOO..." her voice screamed out. Del shot out of her apartment and saw what had happened. The door across from Sol's opened, and Mrs. Billings stepped out.

"The poor dear! Del, if you can get her in and clean her up, I'll take care of this mess."

Sol was beyond humiliated. Del picked up her key, unlocked the door, and picked Sol up. "Don't worry, Mrs. Billings. I'll get it after I get her into the shower."

"Del, I've told you to call me Liz. I had four children and many dogs. I'm experienced."

Del took Sol directly to her bathroom and helped her to undress, bundling up the soiled clothing. The shower was turned on to preheat. Del helped a very shaky Sol in and used the hand held shower head to wet down her friend. Del had been a nurse before she met Imani. She had done this duty many times before. She had seen Sol nude before, usually in the gym locker room, but she had never touched her. She diligently cleaned Sol of every trace of the accident without appearing too intrusive.

"I'm sorry, Del. I am so ashamed of myself. Thank you for being my friend." Sol had her arms up so Del could wash her there and rinse her off. Del grabbed a towel and dried Sol in a soft and tender way. She tried to convey that all was well. Sol put on clean underwear and a robe. She wanted to check on Mrs. Billings to thank the old woman. When Sol was about to open the door, she heard people outside talking there were many voices. Sol ran back to her room and flopped down on her bed. The ignominy was complete.

Del walked over to the door and opened it. Most of the residents on their hall were there. "Did you get her taken care of, Del? I can help if you need it?"

"She's so mortified it might be best to leave her alone right now. Liz, she has had a shower and put on some clean clothes. I will sit with her for a little while." Del went into the bedroom and sat on a chair. She talked to Sol. "Sol, no one is upset or angry. Please don't get upset. Your life needs some rest from worries right now."

A voice that cracked with emotion answered back. "I thought she was the right one, Del. In the end, I do not deserve love. My mother told me that when I told her I was gay; her curse has held ever since."

"Sol, everyone deserves love! And no one can curse you. Just keep trying. I thought Sass was the real deal also." Del was very worried. She had never seen anyone this despondent. She knew she should not bother Imani at work so she texted her the details of the afternoon. Quickly her girl responded that she would be home soon and they could talk. Del then went out to the living room and called Jess. He was extremely concerned for Sol's safety and asked Del to check in on her that night. Del went back into the bedroom. Sol's breathing was deep and regular so Del went back to her apartment to await her fiancée.

Sol awoke about three hours later and sat up, still very distraught about her place in life. She remembered the Xanax in her coat pocket and went to get it. She was faced with what could be her last decision. After she got out the drugs and the safety sheet, she read all of the part about interactions. In her pantry there was an unopened bottle of brandy. She poured out a tumbler full. At least this would not be painful and would end her sorrow. She started with a healthy gulp of booze with five of the yellow oval pills. She did not care for the brandy but it served its purpose. She kept this up until all the tablets were gone as well as half the brandy.

On wobbly legs, a very drunk and high Sol got up and headed to bed for the last time. She lost her balance, crashing into her night table and making a horrid sound of breaking glass and wood. Next door, Del and Imani had been talking about checking up on Sol. The sounds made up their minds. Del grabbed Sol's door key. Imani had immediately headed for Sol's door, finding it unlocked. She picked up the empty pill bottle and saw it had been filled that day. She smelled the glass. On the island there sat the half empty bottle. She allowed herself a curse. When she went into the bedroom, she found Del stooped over Sol. Imani pulled out her cell phone and called 911.

Next she called Jessup and asked him if he knew a Dr. O'Callaghan. When he said yes, he knew there was something serious. Imani told him what Sol had done. Jess was livid with himself, Sol, and Maddie. It took 15 minutes for the EMS to arrive. Imani filled them in and asked where they were going to take her. They said Mass General and took the pill bottle, then noting the amount of brandy that was ingested. After she called Jess to tell him where they were taking Sol, Imani and Del followed the ambulance.

The ER was busy. It was Friday and they were not happy with a suicide. A distraction for no reason, this one had done a good job. She had left no note. Del informed them of what she knew. The ladies went to the waiting room. When Jessup and Rollie ran in, they were told to sit and await the doctor. Jess had called Maddie. She walked directly into the ER to see what was being done for her new patient.

When she came out, she and Jess conferred about what had happened. Del was asked to relate what she knew. Maddie O'Callaghan, MD, was very upset. She had given Sol her cell number for just this kind of thing. Maddie did not know the woman well enough to see this coming. She did, however, know it was possible. Del asked how Sol was doing, and Maddie told her it was to early to tell. Del also was upset. Imani had wanted to check on Sol earlier, but Del had wanted to let her sleep. Everyone felt guilty, which was not what Sol had intended, but this result was inevitable with felo-de-se.

Imani had to go off to work upstairs and left Del with instructions to text her if there was any change. Imani worked in the Neural ICU. She had a good idea what outcomes could be expected. Sol was stabilized. She had had a gastric lavage and was given flumazenil to help reverse the effects. Sol showed no real signs of coming out of her stupor. Her breathing and heart rate were impaired. Dr. Maddie was at her wits' end. She knew this was not the first -- nor would be the last -- patient to do this to herself. Isolde was not trying to live. She had given up. Thus she would be very hard to bring back.

The next day there was no change. Sol was moved to a room in the Psych ICU. Jess was allowed in but no one else. He did come out and give updates. Sol was still intubated. She was being given supportive care. There was not much else to do. The nurses turned her periodically to prevent pressure sores. She was given IV fluids. Everyone talked to her. She did not stir. On Sunday Dr. O'Callaghan asked Del if anyone had medical power of attorney. Del knew it was time to call Sass.

Sass heard her phone ring. She was sitting with Carla, consoling her after Steve passed. Sass walked out into the hall to answer. "Hello, this is Saskia De Witt."

"Hello, this is Delores North. Sass, why haven't you called Sol?! She's afraid you left her for your ex."

"Del, I texted her everyday. Things went all to hell here, so I stayed to help out. Tell Sol nobody's leaving anyone."

"Well, Sass, that is not true. Sol tried to kill herself and did a bang up job of it." Del heard a loud grunt followed by the sound of her phone hitting the floor. There were voices in the background, and then Del heard a new voice.

"Nurse Parker here. Do you know the name of the woman who fainted?" Del furnished the requested info and then told the nurse why she had called. Nurse Parker told her Sass would be held overnight due to her head injury but promised to inform the patient. Sass required three sutures in the back of her head. There were no signs of concussion but she was kept in the ER overnight. She used the time to book a flight back home. Afterward she called Rollie to see if he could offer her a ride to the hospital. Rollie's voice was cold, but he said yes. He hoped her presence could give Sol reason to live. Sass knew she had made a mess of their lives by trying to be helpful. She had been given an emergency ticket for the flight home. She did not care where she was seated as long as she got there.

In the morning, she just made it to the airport in time. After a stop at the ticket counter, she hustled through security. She made the flight just as they were boarding. She had the thought that she needed to know her seat number. She almost fainted again when she saw American Airlines had booked her in first class. The booking agent had been moved by her plight, plus it was the only open seat. Now Sass did not at all mind the slightly increased price. The flight was so nice she knew why these seats were so pricey. The flight attendants had been made aware of her situation and were very helpful. She was sitting in the first row so they smiled at her every time they went past. The complimentary champagne was just what her nerves needed, as was the meal. Sass took time to use the restroom to try to clean up a little. She could smell herself, which was no comfort at all.

Upon landing she rushed off the plane after thanking the attendants. She was met at the gate by an airport transport cart that took her out to the receiving area. There was Rollie standing up with his arms crossed. Sass knew he was miffed at her. She jumped off the cart and rushed up to him. She saw the pain in his eyes that she knew she had caused.

"Rollie, I swear I texted her everyday! I checked on the flight -- they all were sent."

Rollie stayed calm and asked, "What phone number, Sass?"

Sass pulled out her phone and checked. She started to wobble. She was going to faint. Rollie grabbed her, taking her phone. He saw a long list of texts to Sol's home phone. "Sass, these things will do all kinds of crazy crap. Let's get you to Sol and let her know you are here." Sass had a gigantic headache from her fall. It was hard to think. The revelation of her error filled her mind. Rollie saw she was played out. He grabbed her bags with one hand and led her out to Jess's car with the other. Sass held her head and groaned most of the way to the hospital. Jess had a parking pass so there was no problem.

Rollie lead Sass up to the Psych ward and into Sol's room. She was attached to many monitors. Sass watched them with all their squiggly lines that held no meaning for her. A nurse came in behind her. She crinkled her nose. Sass had not bathed in quite a few days. "Can I help you, Miss?"

"Um, oh, yes. I'm Saskia De Witt. I have medical power of attorney for Isolde. I was unaware of her plight or I would have been here earlier. I was helping my ex in-laws. Is there anywhere I could clean up here?" Nurse Pat Moorhead could see the exhaustion in the woman's face she now did not believe the stories of desertion.