All Comments on 'The Cabin'

the girl sounds hot

You're technical ability is above average. I was actually enjoying that there were not many typos. Makes reading less of a challenge.

Concentrate on storyline, details, and not repeating yourself. I'm not going to finish the first page. I'm having a real hard time following the story, because it jumps from arrival to dinner to still awake to I'm too sick for today, with no transition or even a reason to be visiting that point in time at all. No, "Max thought about all the ways he wanted to bang Sharon" is not storyline. It's actually pretty weak filler, if I'm going to be brutally honest. Describe the cabin (how many rooms, beds, etc), the people (other than Sharon), the hike in, anything. In one paragraph, I read the cabin was well-stocked, well-supplied (the difference being?), and

well-stocked (again). You could have said well-stocked once, then told me what made it well-stacked, like "There were plenty of plush, white towels and wash cloths in the linen closet. Each shower featured a wall-mounted dispenser of shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. Looks like I won't be missing baths as much as I feared." Add a little spice after that with " And, of course, my mind showed me an image of Sharon taking a wash cloth and soaking it, then pumping body wash all over it. I see her slowly moving the sudsy cloth across my back and shoulders. ...". You wouldn't have to say well-stocked because you will be telling well-stocked. That's the same paragraph that tells me there's a hot tub TWICE. Also the point I lost my appetite for the story. Before you publish, read your own work. Is it entertaining? Does it tell a story? Can you see the scene in your minds eye? Can your mind turn it into a movie? I hope this comes across helpful. I'm not wanting to discourage you. You have the hard part done, you know how to write. Now learn the artsy part. Make it flow.

This is a good story, but could have been even better. The introduction to the characters is much too brief, and there could have been a more in-depth introduction to the setting. The love scene is well done, very romantic, although the use of the F word is over done. Nonetheless, one can only hope for more of these stories from this author.