All Comments on 'The Enforcer Ch. 01'

Good set up for further chapters. Writing is very good. I look forward to the rest of the story.

A pretty decent start, in my opinion. A little more world building in the next chapter would be nice. I smell an isekai-style story but perhaps not since he's remained in his original world. I've noticed author's on the site have used brackets or italics to note telepathic speech versus audible speech or inner monologue. Might be something to consider if you get into scenes where the protagonist and Hekate are conversing telepathically while around others.

Hi, seems a good start, my only issue is it is too short, I'm looking forward to reading more.

A strong start. Technically sound. Good pacing.

The only thing I had a problem with is the goddess throwing the guy into the thick of things and then saying how he needed help and practice. For a god... you would think she'd already know that and not need to put the guy into fireball central. Why would she think he could handle a fight of any kind? What has he ever done that demonstrates strength of character, willingness to do battle for what's right, etc?

Of course, as the reader, I'm left wondering the same thing. While the protagonist is written as a nice guy from a nice family in a nice neighborhood.... why him? We don't really know anything about the guy or how he grew up. There's nothing there to say why he would be chosen, especially when this has apparently been going on for five whole years.

Is it the same dream? Why in the world would he be scared of the fireballs if he's been having the same dream every month for five whole years? Why would anything about it surprise him or leave him wondering? Why hasn't he tried anything besides running away from the fireballs? Why would the goddess now start talking to him... and tell him that he needs practice?

The first thing that popped into my mind was, "Hey, bitch, what in the world have you been doing for the last five years? Don't come up in here telling me I need some training when you've apparently been able to invade my brain and could have done all manner of training for five very long and confusing years!!!"

I think it would have been a bit better if the dreams acted as a sort of training field where we can see the Hero slowly evolve into something better. Not awesome, but a slow improvement much like he was playing one of his video games in his dreams. Or at least get a handle on it instead of getting a fireball to the face. By keeping him kind of ignorant of what's going on, he's portrayed as a bumbling fool instead of a hero growing into his power. And it makes the goddess look a bit silly because she should have this stuff hammered out by now.

That said, it's a fun romp and I'm looking forward to the next few chapters.

The reason this chapter is so short is so I could upload without backing out. I have tried to upload in the past but backed out. The next chapter will be longer. I just had to break the threshold and see if people would like it. Thank everyone for the comments.

Hmm. Not a bad start, but I noticed a few issues:

1) You bounced between past tense and present tense a lot, sometimes even in the same sentence. Pick one and stick with it.

2) As for not having an editor, the best advice I can give a writer - published or not - is that after the first editing pass, print out the work and read it to yourself *out loud.* This uses a different part of your brain and you'll catch five times as many mistakes as reading it on the computer.

I like the story, although we're thrown into the action without very much explanation. You could probably expand this to be two or three time as long and it would feel well-paced. Still, I look forward to seeing where you take it from here, and I commend you on taking that big-ass step off the cliff and publishing your work for critique.

Brilliant, I hope this is just the start of a new and long series. Well done.

If whatever text editor you’re using has a grammar check, you should give it a test. In your first paragraph:

“ The fireballs we're getting closer to me as I kept swerving around the trees. A bright light started to shine through the tree's. No other idea's it seemed like a good one to go toward the light, not knowing if I would regret that decision.”

Every one of those apostrophes was a mistake for standard English. (‘Were’ is past tense; ‘we’re’ is short for ‘we are’; appostrophe+s is usually possessive, not plural. So it could be ‘the tree’s leaves’ or just ‘the trees’. ‘Ideas’ is likewise plural). The only abnormal case that I can think of for the possessive rule is ‘its’, as the possessive has no apostrophe, because ‘it’s’ is a contraction of ‘it is’.

And hopefully this isn’t coming across as too harsh— there was a story I started reading yesterday with typos in the first sentence. I’ve even seen some with errors in the summary.

Typos are sort of like bumps in the road... some people don’t even notice them, while some people are so sensitive to them that it just throws them out of the story. And unfortunately there are people out there who will score stories low because of typos

A lot of potential in this story. As a non native English speaker I can not give you a lot of advise on how to write. But it reads well.

M.I.T. Boy is a little slow.

When you mentioned that the Goddess spoke in anger, you might consider simplifying it with, "She said angrily". I would love a little more description regarding the appearance of the magic being cast. "A soft blue glow barely illuminating my chest", or "searing bright orange fireballs lighting the woods, and casting rapidly shifting shadows". Visuals like that help us imagine what the scene you're presenting. You are a fantastic storyteller, and I look forward to the journey you're taking us on!

Can't wait to see where this goes