The Game Ch. 16

He turned to me and said, 'Dunno babe. Maybe shave your pussy.' And God help me I did it for him. And it turned him on for a day or two, but then he was into the other girls again. Girls that would do more than even I would do and I had pretty much lost all concepts of self respect."

Another pause and another sip of wine. I found my hands were balled into fists of rage. I had not ever heard this part of the story and I imagined my sister, young and afraid, being abused by an asshole. If I could have reached through the years and been there again, I would have killed him without a second thought. Rachel sat stunned, mouth open, trying to wrap her mind around the words that flowed from my sister.

"Eventually the guy went to jail for the drugs, but not soon enough. I had run away from home by this time and was 18. I remember two days after he went down I was sleeping in a shit hole apartment with 13 dollars to my name and a landlord that wanted me to turn tricks. I never did that, but I actually considered it. I was lucky because I only smoked weed mostly although I had dabbled in coke too. I suppose another month of nose candy, and I would have been hooked and probably would have turned tricks. I saw a lot of that in those days."

Another pause.

"And then on the last day of the month that the rent was paid, I did the hardest thing I ever had to do. I walked down to the corner, put two dollars in change in the pay phone and called my mom. And you know what? Even after everything I had put them through, and every hellish memory I had of her over the past 18 months, you know what the first thing she said to me was?"

Rachel shook her head slowly.

"She said, 'I'm coming honey. It will be okay. Just go across the street and into the café and wait.' At that point I lost it. I cried like a two year old on a pay phone in the worst areas of Chicago. I think I cried for an hour holding on to the receiver, until a cop told me to move it along. So I walked across the street, spent my last dollar on a cheeseburger and a Mr. Pibb and sat there for 6 hours until she came to get me."

Mary paused in her story and none of us spoke for a long time. Sunset settled across the western sky as brilliant orange faded to dark purple above us. Twilight had come, and I could see it reflected in wet streaks across both Rachel's and Mary's cheeks where tears streamed slowly down. It felt as if all the years between that young crying woman in a Chicago ghetto and now had melted away. At that moment Mary had opened herself to her daughter and she was both the mother and a scared, crying teenager in the inner city at the same time.

Rachel reached out slowly and took her mother's hand and said, "I'm so sorry Mom. I never knew."

Mary looked at her daughter and squeezed her hand and said, "I know. I thought I never wanted you to know. But I've learned something from you and from Sara."

Rachel raised and eyebrow and Mary smiled and said, "I've learned that I want you to learn from my mistakes where you can. This is hard for me, but I want to tell you about it because I love you."

Rachel's tears flowed more freely now, but she didn't speak anticipating that her mother was not done.

After a minute, Mary continued "So that was a time in my life where sex and stupidity nearly destroyed me. Wait, I take that back, it really wasn't the sex, it was the lack of self respect that nearly destroyed me."

Rachel nodded in understanding.

"So," Mary continued, "I came home. It took me months and months to start to get my head straight. As you can imagine, even though I was loved, I was not fully trusted so I didn't get to go out much. That was actually fine with me, because I was hurting. Today they would probably cart me off for therapy, but that isn't what happened. What happened was, I went back to school. I repeated my senior year the oldest in my class. I had no friends, and didn't really care. I had a reputation of a gang bang queen, which I only partially deserved, and the other kids teased me relentlessly. But I finished and actually did okay.

After high school, I wasn't sure what to do with my life so I went to work at the only thing I was qualified for, a waitress. My mother suggested college, but only half heartedly because as much as she loved me, there was a part of her who couldn't get over some of the things she must have suspected I had done. I was not 'college material' in her view, so the conversation was duly noted and promptly forgotten. I did the waitress thing for a while and made a few friends, and then got a job as a secretary for an insurance company."

Rachel was mesmerized by the story although I knew most of what came next although not the details.

Another sip of wine and Mary continued, "And I was now 21 and I met another man."

Rachel took a sharp intake of breath fearing what might be coming.

Mary took her hand and said, "Not like that honey. This was different."

Rachel relaxed and Mary said, "So I met this young man who was hot shit just out of college and who walked past my desk every day for a month without appearing to have noticed me. And then one day out of the blue he passes on the way to the elevator and stops as if noticing a new piece of furniture and says, 'Hey what's your name anyway?'

I was so shocked that he spoke to me that I blurted out, 'Um Mary'.

He smiled (and he had a delicious smile) and said, 'Mary, that's nice. Like the virgin right?'

I went pale thinking he some how knew who I used to be and was making fun of me. He must have noticed something amiss because he came over and said, 'I'm sorry are you okay? I just meant.... Never mind it was stupid.'

I tried to recover and said, 'Um no its just I am not Catholic' which was a stupid thing to say because not just Catholics believe in The Virgin Mary.

He grinned and said, 'Me either. Seems like too much work.'

I laughed in spite of myself and he smiled back and said, 'So Mary you want to get a drink?'

So we did, and we started meeting for a drink every Monday and Wednesday after that. We never had more than two drinks and many nights just one. And all he did was ask me questions. I think he was the first man to ever actually be interested in who I was.

After a month, he asked me out on a 'real date' and took me to a restaurant that was amazing. It must have cost him half a months salary just for that dinner, but we both had so much fun.

That night he asked me if I wanted to see his apartment. I was sure I knew what was coming. This was the sex part. Part of me felt obligated and part of me wanted to, but I was so scared.

We got to his apartment. It was a one bedroom like any young professional guy out of college might have. He asked me if I wanted a drink. At that point that sounded like a hell of an idea and he made us each a vodka tonic.

We sat on the couch next to each other and in retrospect I think he may have been as nervous as me, but at the time I was just scared shitless. I downed my drink to numb my nerves and he put a tentative arm around me.

I turned to him and he leaned in to kiss me. I pulled away and he seemed surprised and also embarrassed. He started to pull away from me and I remember thinking 'No don't fuck this up'.

So I leaned in fast and kissed him full open mouthed, hard. I pushed him back on the couch and got on top of him. I remember him saying, 'Easy Mary relax'.

But I was anything but relaxed. I thought I knew what he wanted and pushed my hand down to his crotch and squeezed him. I was surprised not to find him hard. I tried to unbuckle his belt and slid to my knees in front of the couch, a position I had been in before. Even as it was happening I thought, 'so this is how easy I am'.

I was fumbling with his belt and his hands were over mine and I became aware that he was saying, 'Slow down. Slow down. Relax.'

His hands took my wrists and pulled them from his belt and I looked up into his eyes expecting to see lust or loathing. Instead I found only confusion.

And there I was on my knees between his legs, him holding my wrists so that I couldn't rip off his pants and I lost it. I just started to cry and not just sniffles, but full on sobs. I tried to apologize, but the words broke into hysterical sobs. I had blown it for sure.

And then the most amazing thing happened...."

Rachel and I stared at her mesmerized. Mary took another sip of wine.

"He hugged me. Not a sexual hug, but just one person reaching out to another. At that I really broke down and for the next 15 minutes he held me as I cried and cried. When it was all out of me and there didn't seem to be anything left, he said 'It's okay Mary. You are okay.'

And that started a new round of sobbing. Such a simple thing really to be held and cared about by another human being, but it was a new feeling for me.

We ended up talking all night. I told him everything. Everything that I had done and every thing that had happened. I didn't hold anything back. We ended up falling asleep on his couch holding each other.

The next day was a Saturday and he took me home. I was feeling like a bit of an ass and when he dropped me off, he took my hand and said, 'Thank you for sharing last night with me. I know it wasn't easy for you.'

And then he was gone.

I spent the rest of the weekend alternating between thinking that I had met the most wonderful man and being embarrassed to my core about what he thought of me now. I came to dread Monday when we would go back to work and I would have to face him. Now that was real terror.

So Monday came and I was at my desk feeling a fool and at 8 AM he and a bunch of other guys came in the door together. I had a vision of him telling all his friends what a loser whore I was. They passed, and no one appeared to give me more than a casual glance except for him. As they passed, he looked at me, smiled, and gave me a little wink that no one else could see.

That wink infuriated me. I felt like he was taunting me by letting me know that now he knew my secret. That thought died a moment later when I opened my desk drawer to get a pen. Inside was a white envelope with my name written on it.

I opened it and it was a letter from him. It said:

Mary -- I am sure you probably feel a little weird about what happened last Friday. I do too. But I want to see you again. I understand if you don't, but I will be at Gilly's for an hour after work. If you want to hang out again, please come. If not, I will understand.

PS -- I will never tell another living soul what you shared with me either way. Hope to see you.

The rest of the day I was in hell. To go or not to go. It was never really a question, but I did play the game with myself all day. I guess self flagellation is not a habit that dies hard.

Well needless to say, I showed up. He was alone in a booth and I joined him.

'I'm glad now', was all he said when I sat down.

'Me too' was all I replied.

He took my hand in his and we just sat there. We never spoke he just held my hand. When we left he said 'I'm glad you came. It was the best date I ever had'.

And I think it was right then at that moment standing in front of a cheesy bar that I fell in love for the first time."

Rachel was grinning and said, "That is so romantic."

Mary smiled and said, "It was. But now the part I really want you to hear, and the hardest part for me to tell."

Rachel nodded and we all took another sip of wine.

"So we started dating. Fun stuff all kids do. You know movies, the occasional party, lots of dinners, but my favorite was blockbuster nights at his place. We would sit on the couch holding hands and watch a movie or two on his television eating popcorn. It was nice.

As the weeks turned to months I started to wonder why he wasn't putting the moves on me. It was really starting to bother me and I thought maybe we had slipped into an intimate friendship rather than a romantic relationship. So one night I got up the courage and turned to him as we were watching a movie and leaned in to kiss him. He took my face in his hands and smiled and said, 'Not yet' and then kissed me gently on the nose.

I swear to God that was the best kiss of my life. His warm lips on the tip of my nose; his hands holding my face. Just a gentle kiss on the nose, but filled with feeling.

I said, 'why not yet?'

He sighed and turned off the movie and turned to me and said, 'Mary, I love you. But you don't love you. At least not yet.'

I melted. A boy had just told me he loved me, and I had loved him for a long time now.

I leaned in close to his ear and said, 'Don't you want to fuck me?'

It was crude and to this day I don't know why he didn't kick my ass out of his apartment right then, but instead he turned to me and said, 'Nope. I want to make love with you. But you don't know how to love yourself yet'.

I felt slapped. I had always equated sex with love or affection or attention. And here I was practically spreading my legs for a guy and he was saying he wouldn't fuck me.

He took my hand in his and said, 'Look Mary, I do love you, and God knows I am horny as a goat, but it wouldn't be right. I don't have your experience in bed. I was a nerd in high school and am pretty much a nerd now, but I know I care about you. It wouldn't be right. I mean you have been used and abused sexually, and I don't want to be a part of that. I feel like you keep using sex as a shield for your feelings. I mean have you ever had sex and love together? I mean cum so hard your toes curl because the person you are with is so into you? I am not a virgin, but most of my sexual experiences were just that experiences. I want to experience it with feelings; otherwise I might as well just jerk off'

I sat there stunned, not knowing how to respond. We stared at each other and he was afraid he hurt my feelings and said, 'I'm sorry. I can be such an asshole sometimes but I just don't want to hurt you.'

I put my fingers to his lips and said, 'It's okay. Just hold me'

As he held me I told him that my only sexual experiences were from the 'bad old days' as we call them now and that I had never even had an orgasm. He smiled and said, 'Really?'

I nodded and he said, 'Well then I think its time you had one.'

I was confused as he just told me he wasn't going to fuck me.

He took me to his bedroom and kissed my nose again. I loved that. He hugged me and slowly undressed me. It wasn't the hurried, gotta fuck the slut, type of undressing. It was very slow and very very sweet.

When I was naked he took me to his bed and stripped to his underwear. He lay next to me and stroked my belly and then took my hand in his. He used my hand to stroke my breasts and then my belly and then lower between my legs.

I let him guide my hand between my legs and then he withdrew his hand to stroke my stomach. My hand hovered over my crotch and he kissed my ear and said, 'Go ahead'.

I knew what he wanted me to do, but honestly I had never really masturbated before and fear washed over me. He sensed my reluctance and placed his had over mine and pushed gently down.

'It's okay' he said. 'Love yourself'.

I relaxed and let myself become caught up in the moment. My fingers explored and found pleasure. I lost myself in the feeling and let all reality fade away as I masturbated. I knew he was there, kissing my cheek, kissing my nipples, but at the center of it was just me.

I came very hard and very fast. It was a first for me, and I felt as if I finally understood why sex was so fundamental to who we are as people. I felt as if I had touched God and the Devil at the same time.

And it was sweet and wonderful to share with him.

After that, we experimented with masturbating. Sometimes we would do it together, but mostly he wanted me to explore what made me happy.

After a month or two of this, I began to break the link between intimacy, love and sex. I could masturbate alone and get sexual release. He could kiss my nose gently and we had intimacy. And the love was always there between us.

In the end he set me free from myself and the prison I had built for myself.

The first time we made love, we had candles all around us. He took me in his arms and I had never been so aroused. My nipples hard against him and I was so wet. I could feel tingles in my pussy as he caressed my body. I spread my legs and he was between them and I felt him gently push into me. He filled me up in a gentle but firm way that I had never experienced before. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into me deeply.

We rocked together slowly at first and then faster and harder as our passion grew. When we came, we came together; both of us cumming harder than ever before and I felt so incredibly happy.

I felt him cum in me and I loved that feeling so much as my pussy squeezed hard against his thick cock. He groaned in pleasure and I found myself loving him even more.

And in that moment, I knew I could leave behind finally the life I had once led and the person I had once been.

In the end that boy saved me."

We sat in silence for a few more minutes and then Mary said, "So what I am saying I guess is that sex can be wonderful or it can be destructive. It all depends on what you think about yourself while you are doing it. For you I only want it to be good."

"So you are saying love is what makes sex good?" Rachel asked.

Mary smiled and said, "Not at all. That does make it good but don't get me wrong it wasn't always romantic love sex with him. Sometimes it was hard fucking. All those things that even I wouldn't do for that drug dealing loser, I eventually did with that boy. Every sex act that some people think are kinky or wrong, I did with him, all of them. But when I did those things with him, I felt good about myself. That was the difference."

I thought I had not heard anything so profound in a long time. Rachel merely nodded and we all drank our wine in silence.

Rachel then turned to her mother and said, "Thanks for telling me that Mom. I am sure it wasn't easy for you."

Mary turned to Rachel and said, "I love you honey. I just don't want you to get fucked up like I did. Remember to always love who you are first is all I am saying."

Rachel grinned and said, "I love to love myself".

Mary smiled and then laughed at the double entendre. So did I and we all relaxed a little from the intensity of the story.

Rachel giggled with us and said, "And I really like the new shower head you put in."

At that we all howled at that. Mary lost her historic look and laughed a real laugh for the first time in an hour. Rachel and I did too.

After a minute or two Rachel turned serious and asked, "So what ever happened to the guy? I mean he was a big part of your life right?"

Mary grinned shyly and said, "I married him."

Rachel's mouth hung open again in surprise.