The Girl

I was so sore after he rolled out of bed that morning, I hardly noticed that he was taking longer than normal to dress. I wiped my eyes and looked over my shoulder and he was watching me, his head canted to the side. He looked surly. What had I done now? I looked away quickly, trying to hide my face and my extreme discomfort as I pulled my underclothes on.

By the time I was dressed and going out to make breakfast, he was gone. I looked out the window and he was hitching the horses. He never came back in before he left.

I spent the day with Henry, helping him do his chores and laughing and playing outside. When Jack finally got home, it was past dark and we had both waited up for him. Henry hurried out to help carry things inside, I stayed inside, not really wanting it to seem like I wanted to see him. I didn't want to see him, I just wanted to hear about town. I didn't want him to think I was eager for him at all.

"MA!" Henry yelled, running in the door. "Come and LOOK! Look at what he brought!"

I stepped outside, but I could see nothing in the dark. That didn't stop Henry from pulling me all the way out to the wagon as I tried to get my eyes to adjust.

"Hold on! I can't see!" I laughed, trying not to trip.

A hand took hold of my arm and I flinched back, knowing the feel of Jack's touch. "You carry this," he demanded, pulling my arm out. He put something warm and furry in my arms and it squirmed and a wet tongue licked my jaw as I jerked back harder in terror. Jack pulled me in closer, forcing me to hold onto the furry beast that was wriggling and trying to climb me as it licked my face.

I realized suddenly that it wasn't trying to kill me and Jack was holding it too. It probably wasn't a mountain lion or bear. I let my arms close around it and it kept licking me as I giggled. I was able to make my way back to the house with the lights from the window guiding me. I stumbled in the door and went to my knees as the wiggly little critter squirmed almost out of my arms.

He was a beautiful little pup, all different colors and he had one blue eye and one brown. I grinned at him as I laid on the floor and let him climb on me, licking my face and wagging so hard his whole body was moving.

Henry came in, stepped over me to toss a bag on the table, then went to his knees next to me to play with the puppy. "He's perfect pa, what is he?" Henry asked, looking up at his father in the doorway.

"He's called an australian shepherd. Cow dog, sheep dog."

"What's his name?"

"Ask the girl, he's for her."

I looked up at Jack in shock. It was for me? He had brought me a... gift? I looked down at the dog, then realized something. If I got attached to the dog, he would have something to use against me. That's why he had brought it to me.

I got up, dusting myself off as Henry played with the puppy. I grabbed a lantern and went back out to the wagon, setting it on the end to start bringing things in. I wasn't going to get attached to that dog just so he could use it against me. I refused to fall into his trap.

Jack was quiet as he came out to get another load and I kept my head down, not looking at him.

"What are you naming him?" Henry demanded when I came back in, Jack behind me.

I smiled at Henry. "You can name him. He can be your dog."

"I got him for you," Jack said angrily.

"Henry needs a good dog," I said lightly. "He can help him with chores. Henry can train him to be a good farm dog."

"Girl, look at me," Jack demanded.

"There is more to bring in and it's late," I said, hurrying back out to the wagon.

He said nothing else as we finished unloading the wagon, but as soon as we were done, he turned to Henry. "Take him to bed, take him out if he needs out and feed him when he needs fed. He is your responsibility. Goodnight."

I started to put things away, but he grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked me hard against him until Henry had the puppy in his room and the door shut. Jack dragged me back to his bad and shoved me over the edge, holding me down painfully as he bent over me.

"You would throw it back in my face?" he hissed furiously.

He ripped my dress open down the back, making me cry out in fear and pain. He didn't cover my mouth this time as he yanked my clothes away roughly, ripping and tearing. He turned just enough to haul his arm back and land an open handed smack on my bare bottom with a full arm swing. I screamed in pain and humiliation and he did it again, then again as I begged him to stop.

The door opened. "Pa?"

"GO TO BED!" Jack raged. "Do not open my door again!"

He turned back to me and yanked me up off the floor, shoving me over the bed again before taking off his own clothes. He bent over me, grabbing a fistful of hair again and yanking my head back. He shoved into me from behind, snarling angrily as he watched my face. I pleaded with him to stop hurting me, to let me go, to not be so rough, but he was determined to make me scream for him. He finally came with a roar of anger, holding me down for several long seconds as he spent himself, then he shoved back roughly, yanking me back off the bed and onto the floor.

"Do not move from that spot," he said angrily as I started to get up off the floor. "Sleep right there like the bitch you are."

An hour later I was still shivering and sobbing on the floor, trying to huddle in on myself for warmth. I knew he wasn't asleep, but I tried to imagine he was. I tried to imagine he was asleep and I could slip out to the barn and ride away on one of the horses. Disappear from here.

He got up suddenly and stalked out the door angrily, but returned after a few moments. He yanked me off the floor and threw me into the bed so hard I bounced and slammed into the wall, landing hard on the bed again. He laid back down on his back as I tried to roll my shoulder to see how badly I was hurt.

"Shut your bawling and go to sleep," he demanded.

I huddled under the blankets, still trembling. Why was he so hateful and angry? Hadn't I proven I was good enough? Worthy of more than the way he was treating me? Why was he still so angry and hateful to me? Trying so hard to find ways to hurt me?

I didn't know how long I could live like this.

In the morning I tried to ease out of bed without waking him, but he grabbed me and held me down as he took me again, shoving my face into the bed as he rammed as hard as he could.

I put on my other dress, the one that had not been shredded and went out front to try and put things away. Henry looked at me wide eyed as Jack came in and sorted through things on the table. He took one tall package and set it up on the high shelf, pushed back so it was almost out of sight. He did the same with another smaller package before turning to Henry.

"Your chores done?"

"No sir, I was waitin' on breakfast."

"Next time go get your chores done if I am busy with her in the morning. Breakfast will be ready by the time you finish. Yo hear me?"

"Yessir. Ma? Are you..."

"Go get your chores done," Jack snapped harshly, making me flinch.

Henry bolted out the front door and I turned to Jack angrily. "Don't yell at him! He's done nothing wrong! He is only worried for me, you don't need to punish him for that! Punish me all you want but leave him alone!"

"You don't get to raise your voice to me," he said darkly, stepping closer.

I looked down and turned away from him, then moved to start breakfast.

The days passed that way. His dark mood seemed to never let up and all I could do was try and stay out of his way. Every morning and every night without fail, he shoved me down over the edge of the bed or rolled me face down on it and took me from behind. Always angry, always rough. Some days he left me alone of a day, other days he dragged me back to his bed on a whim.

Henry spent more and more time outside with his dog, pulling away from me and his father both. The summer seemed to crawl by and I drew in on myself more and more. Most days I could hardly force myself out of bed and I stopped caring about anything.

There was nothing left for me on this earth.

I went one afternoon to the bedroom to pull the sheets to wash and I saw Jack out the back window. I stood for a moment, watching him and not understanding what I was seeing. He was talking to a tree? Pacing and talking and upset, he was very animated as he spoke to the tree. I didn't understand it at all.

Two days later when he left to go hunting, I slipped out back and trekked out to the tree and around it, looking down at the grave marker near the base of the tree.

'Lilian Ellison'

'Wife and mother'

I swallowed hard and sat down next to it, next to her.

"How did you do it?" I asked her in a whisper. "How did you manage him? He is so angry. So cold. I don't understand why he hates me so much."

I sat there with her all morning, whispering to her, talking to her. I had no one else.

I started visiting her more often when he wasn't around, but it didn't really help much. I still felt more and more lost.

Fall was coming on and Jack came in, slamming the door open as a gust of wind whipped in behind him. "Make a list for the winter," he demanded darkly, then paused, looking at me. "Take a brush to your hair and wash your face. What is wrong with you?"

I blinked, looking away from the fire and reaching up to my hair. It had not been brushed. Had I not brushed it today? I couldn't remember. I looked back at the fire.

"Girl! I said clean yourself up! And why isn't dinner started?"

I looked over at the stove. I had started the fire, hadn't I? I was sure I had. I stood and went over, putting my hand on the top to see if it was warm. I jerked my hand back, letting out a shocked cry of pain as I looked down at my burned hand.

A hand took hold of my face and Jack turned me to look up at him. "What is wrong with you?" he demanded. "Why would you do that?" He put a hand to my head, frowning.

"What?" I asked, confused.

I needed to get away from him. If I stayed here, I may as well go lay in the ground next to Lilian. She probably took herself from this world to free herself from him.

I turned away from him and went to put my hand in water, soothing the burn as I thought.

"Henry, have some bread for dinner," Jack said when Henry came in with Rufus, his dog. "Take it to your room."

Henry was quiet as he went to his room, but I hardly noticed him. I stood staring out the window into the dark night as I held my hand in the water. A hand touched my shoulder.

"You need rest," Jack said, for once not sounding angry.

"I will be in in a moment. I need to put something on this burn."

"Come to bed now. I will dress your hand," he said mildly, pulling me to the room. He set me on the edge of the bed and pulled my hand up, but it was my face he was looking at. "Why did you put your hand on the stove?" he asked, his voice still quiet and calm.

"I couldn't remember if I started a fire to make dinner."

"Look at me."

"My hand hurts. I need to go put salve on it and..."

"Sit still. I have it right here. Be still and hold your hand up," he demanded, gently putting the salve on my burns. He wrapped my hand, then stepped back, looking down at me in concern.

I got up. "I will go make dinner."

"It's late. Very late. Too late for dinner. Lay down and get some rest."

"Oh... I need to step out a moment before bed," I said, waving him away. I went out the door and he followed me to the door, watching as I went all the way to the outhouse. When he stepped back into the house, I ran to the barn in the dark, watching the windows of the house carefully as I did. I pulled both horses out of their stalls, knowing I couldn't leave one behind for him to ride after me. I pulled them to the fence and climbed the fence so I could get on Davey's back, then pulled Peony behind us as I headed towards the path and the road.

There was enough moonlight tonight that I could see the path and all I could think was that I was getting away. I had to get away from him and I was going. Once we hit the road, I kicked Davey into a run, still pulling Peony along beside us.

I was exhausted when I rode into Billings in the morning, half falling off of Davey when I tried to dismount. I tied them off at the livery and hurried across to Mama Banks' house, knocking loudly.

She opened the door, looking down at me in confusion. "Mercy, child! Where'd you come from? Where's your shoes? Wait... I know you, don't I? Came through about a year ago? Child, what has happened to you? Come in here and sit down, let's get you warmed up!"

I let her sit me in front of her fire as I shook. I was gone! I was away from him and safe! I was safe.

"Child? You hearin me?"

"What?" I asked, blinking again.

"I said I can't remember your name?"

"Lizzie. Not Ellison, not anymore. Please? If he comes looking, tell him I got on a stagecoach and went home?"

"Ellison? Jack Ellison?"

"Yes. I never had an aunt, my pa sold me to Jack Ellison, but I got away! I got away and you can't tell him I did! You have to say I am gone from here. Gone so he can't look for me!"

"Easy child, easy, calm down. You are just fine here with me, you come lay down and rest and when you wake up we'll get you a nice bath and some warm clothes that fit better. Lizzie, how far along are you?"

"What?"

"How long have you been pregnant?" Mama Banks asked, putting her hand on my belly. My belly that was swollen just enough in the tight dress that you could see it. In a dress that wasn't this tight a month ago. I stared down at the small swell, trying to comprehend how it had just suddenly appeared. I looked back up at Mama Banks, shaking my head.

"I can't be! I don't... I got away! I got away, this isn't fair! He can't hurt me anymore! He can't!"

"Hush now child, just hush," she said, hugging me and rocking me. "Here now. Drink this for me. Alla this. Good, good girl. That will put you right to sleep."

I woke to hands on my belly and I groaned, turning away from the light.

"I'm here child, right here," Mama Banks said soothingly. "This is Doc Turner, he's just making sure you are alright and your babe is alright too. Francis Strueper took Jack's horses back out to him on his way passed this evening, but don't you worry. You left on today's stagecoach. Ain't that right Doc Turner?"

"Mm, young lady, Myrna tells me you seemed out of sorts? Said you didn't seem to know you were even pregnant despite the... very obvious signs? Did you not even notice your clothes no longer fit you? No matter. Young lady, you are a couple months along, but I am worried for you and this fever that's on you. Tell me why you are here alone, run off from your husband?"

"I'm not here. I left on a stagecoach and I'm not married anymore. I never said yes, it was all a trick! A lie. A lie my father sold me to him. But I wasn't good enough, I wasn't what he wanted and he was so mad. He is so angry! All the time. And then when he saw me and I was good enough to at least be a woman... then he wouldn't give me a moment's peace, always forcing himself on me, making me scream for him, making me beg him to stop. He liked to make me cry for him. He always wanted more cries, more pain, it was never enough. But I got away. I left. I got away and I am gone now. I am gone now."

He looked at Mama Banks, looking grim. "She is going to need a lot of rest and a lot of care. You sure this is what you want?"

"I will take care of her, she'll be just fine with me. You just make sure that man thinks she is good and gone."

Mama Banks gave me another drink that burned my throat and put me right to sleep. I slept through until she woke me in the morning, sitting me up to eat some toast and drink some tea. She moved me out to the front room so I could see out the window and she could talk with me. I still felt mostly numb, but in the afternoon, when Jack showed up in his wagon with Henry in the back, I immediately felt sick.

Mama Banks tried to get me to go lay down, but I had to stay and watch, make sure he left. I saw him talking to people, going from the general store to the saloon to the ferrier and the livery, asking people questions. Henry looked upset, following his father with his head down.

When Jack started towards Mama Banks house, I froze, terrified. She pulled me up out of the chair and into the back bedroom as I started shaking. He pounded on the door as she got me set on the edge of the bed and she hurried back out front.

"Myrna! Do you remember the girl who was here last year, the one I picked up?"

"Hello Jack. Yes, I remember her, you were taking her to her Aunt if I remember right."

"No, she is my wife! She was my wife when you met her when I picked her up that day. Myrna, have you seen her? The last couple days? Has she been here?"

"Your wife! That slip of a girl?"

"She's a woman grown, just small. Have you seen her?"

"Last I saw her was in your wagon, Jack. Hello Henry, been some time hasn't it?"

"Yes ma'am. Ma'am? You ain't seen her at all? She's my ma now and my best friend. My only friend."

"Sorry Henry, that's a real shame. She get lost?"

"No ma'am, she came into town on horse," Jack answered quickly. "Doc said she left on a stagecoach, but Sheriff Kooley said there hasn't been a coach. I need to find her!"

"She ran off? You two have a fight?"

"Not really, she was seemin' real off the other night. Feverish. She put her hand right on the stove to see if it was hot. Not like herself at all. Then she just up and took off. I think she may be sick, feverish or something. Anyway, I know she ain't gone too far. Horses were left at the livery and no coach has been through. She ain't at the inn and she ain't been in the saloon. Myrna, if you see her, it's important. She ain't herself right now."

"You sound like you really care for this girl," Myrna said sadly.

That made me blink. It DID sound like he actually cared.

"I don't remember my real ma, not really," Henry said, speaking up when Jack had gone quiet. "But I know that Lizzie has been a ma to me and has loved me as much as I love her. She means everything to me, even if..."

"Henry," Jack said mildly. "Myrna, if you see her, or hear about her, let me know? Please?"

"As you say, Jack. You have more places to look, I reckon? Why don't you let Henry stay and I will make him some lunch. You can go look some more and I will send him along with some food for you too once he is done."

"I can't eat, Myrna, but thank you. Henry? Sit tight, I am going to go and talk with Doc again, find out why he lied to me."

I felt sick, nausea billowing up. What would he do to the doctor for lying to him?

The door shut.

"Have yourself a seat there young man. You are just as tall as your dad now, aren't you?"

"Almost ma'am."

"You can call me Mama Banks, most everyone does. How old are you now Henry?"

"Thirteen. Fourteen almost."

"Almost a man then! So the girl. Your ma now, you know why she ran off?"

There was silence.

"That look there, that guilty look. That tells me you know. Look at me boy, why has you feelin' so guilty about it?"

"I... I should have stayed close to her instead of going off by myself. I didn't know what to do for her so I didn't do anything at all. I just left. Stayed to myself. She was good to me, played with me, laughed with me, taught me things and I just left her alone when things got bad for her."

"Things got bad? Your pa? He was beatin on her?"

"No! No... I mean, I don't really know. He was mad a lot. More mad than he was even after ma died. I didn't know why. I don't know why. Now he is just scared though. I... I almost hope he doesn't find her. I just hope she is ok. I don't want her to die too."

"Too? Is it your pa's fault your ma died?"

"What? No! No, pa was always happy with ma, always smilin' and laughin' and when she died I thought he might follow her right into the ground. I just meant I didn't want to lose another ma. And she is so good. She was good to me when she met me, even when pa was being so cold to her. She always had a smile for me no matter how much pa yelled at her or... anything."