The Girl

It did feel good, at least some. Not as good as he seemed to think it felt, but it was pleasant. He let out a small groan, his hands tightening as he pushed into me and held himself there as his cock throbbed and he spilled his seed inside me. He pulled out and eased off of me, panting as he pulled me back to my side so he could wrap around me. He kept his fingers threaded through mine as he held me against him, gripping tightly when I tried to pull away. I left it alone.

He woke me in the morning, his arms flexing around me as he shifted. He hardly woke up completely before he rolled onto me, his hands roving as he stroked my hair back. "Are you hurting?" he asked, his voice course with want.

I froze there. Could I lie and say I was hurting and he would leave me alone? No. I didn't want to lie. "I'm not in pain," I whispered. "But I don't want to do this?"

"You are my wife," he whispered, nuzzling his lips into my neck. "It isn't too much to ask for this."

"You aren't asking. You just take."

"Mmm. So you are not hurting," he said, sounding angry now. I had upset him, telling him no. I was allowed to be too hurt, but I wasn't allowed to say I didn't want him. I tensed up as his hands tightened, knowing he was going to be rough with me now, hurt me, make me beg for him to stop.

He shoved away from me, rolling out of bed and yanking up his clothes, leaving to get dressed in the next room. I sat up, my stomach sinking. Why hadn't I just kept my mouth shut?!? I knew he had an awful temper and I had just pushed him over an edge. I should have just let him do as he wanted! He hadn't hurt me the night before, he probably didn't intend to this morning either. Now he was angry again.

I got up and got dressed, my stomach churning over how I was going to deal with this. He was gone when I went out front and I started breakfast, trying to watch for him. He didn't come back in for breakfast.

"Do you know where your pa is?" I asked Henry quietly.

"No ma'am, he was headed up in the north woods with his rifle when I came out to milk. Guess he means to hunt?"

I nodded, but checked the window again anyway before I put breakfast away to keep till later. I watched all morning, but there was no sign of him. After putting clothes on the line, I wandered back to the tree and sat down next to Lilian.

"I messed up this morning. Was he always this... insatiable? I feel like it's all he sees me as. I cook, I clean, he takes me to his bed. That's all. I am nothing more to him, just a thing he owns. Was he always this aloof or was he good to you? Is that why he hates me? Because I am not you? I can never..."

"What are you doing here?" Jack yelled, grabbing me from behind by my hair and yanking me up. "This place isn't for you! Ever! Do you think to mock me?" he demanded, dragging me into the house.

"Please Jack! Let go!" I begged, trying to keep up with him, but I kept tripping as he dragged me.

"Pa don't!" Henry yelled, running to me and trying to pull me away from Jack.

"Boy, go to your room!" Jack raged, pulling me to his room and dropping me on the floor. He slammed the door as Henry started to come in.

"Pa don't!" Henry yelled through the door.

Jack ignored the door, pacing around me as he looked down at me. "You will never go there again. Ever. You will not mock me and make light of my pain!"

"I don't, Jack, I don't! I swear!" I sobbed

"Do not leave this room today. Or tomorrow. I don't want to see your face! Do you understand, girl?"

"Yes! I'm sorry!" I cried, but it was to the door as he slammed it shut behind him. I lay on the floor feeling defeated and broken all over again.

Eventually I climbed up into the bed and wrapped in the blankets, leaning against the wall to stare out the window. I had no tears left.

Evening came and Henry opened the door, peeking in at me, his face pale as he looked me over. He set down a piece of bread and a glass of milk on the table, then slipped out quietly. He did the same thing the next morning.

"Don't get yourself in trouble with your pa," I whispered.

"He ain't here, he left right off this mornin'. Said he was settin' up trap spots before the first snow. He won't be home before night. You can come out if you want."

"It's fine. Could you bring me my quilt blocks and my sewing kit?"

I sat there sewing all day and I heard him come in that night. I tensed up, watching the door, but he did not come in. I laid down and waited, but he never came in. In the morning, Henry came back in with eggs and bread and another glass of milk.

"Did he leave again?" I asked softly.

"He is working on the wagon, said he needs to replace something."

"Thank you Henry. You should stay out there, ok?"

"Sure... you think he will let you out soon?"

"I don't know, but don't say anything, ok? Don't get him upset with you, ok?"

"Ok ma. He don't seem mad at me though. He talks to me like normal."

"It's fine. Just leave it alone. Thank you."

Once again, he left me alone all day and all night. Never coming in or acknowledging me. By morning I had had enough. I went out without looking around or looking for him and started breakfast. I heard him move behind me, but he said nothing as he went into the room and shut the door. He came out minutes later, but I didn't look at him, I kept making breakfast as if nothing had happened. I set the table and Henry grinned at me. I smiled back, but looked down when Jack sat down to eat.

"Henry, Take the rifle up to the west face cliff trail and see what you can bring home today," Jack said before picking up his fork.

"Yes sir!" Henry said excitedly, then hurried to eat. I got up and packed him a small lunch to take with, handing it to him before he shot out the door. He was grinning ear to ear and it warmed my heart to see. As I sat back down, I realized Jack had just sent Henry away for the day.

We were alone. I moved the food on my plate a moment, then got back up and started cleaning up. Jack said nothing as he finished eating and I stood going over again in my head what I wanted to say to him. As soon as he finished and stood, I turned to him.

"It was never about you, Jack. Going to see her. I go to her often to talk about you, to talk about Henry... to try and work out what it is I am doing wrong all the time. Why you hate me so much. Talking to her helps me work through things, saying them out loud, it helps me understand things better. She helps me understand things better. It was never about you or hurting you, just needing her help with you and Henry. I... just didn't want you to think I ever meant to hurt you."

I glanced up at him when I finished, then looked back down when he stared down at me with his cold look. I hurried to the bedroom and picked up my quilting, wondering if I should stay or sit by the fire. Was he leaving?

"She was always good at that," Jack said softly from the door. "Helping me see the right of things. Talking me through to see things her way. If... if you need to talk to her, you can."

He turned and left, going out the front door. I stood there, stunned.

When he came back in an hour, I was sitting in front of the fire, sewing. He sat near me in the other chair, his posture tense like he meant to say something.

He finally did after a long hour. "I don't hate you."

"Jack, you don't have to lie to me. You have hated me from the moment you saw me. My father sold you a lie."

"And you proved yourself in more ways than one. I never hated you even if I didn't like you. Never call me a liar."

"Poor word choice," I conceded. "But the fact remains you only see me as a thing. I cook for you, I clean for you, I help you with your son and... you take me to your bed whenever you please. You don't care for me as a person, only as something you have to maintain the health of, like a horse."

"That is a ridiculous statement!" he said heatedly, sitting up. "It is you who refuses to allow me in! I tried to show you favor and you threw it back in my face!"

"What favor have you ever shown me?"

"When I began having feelings for you, I brought you home gifts. Even a dog! You threw it right back in my face, refusing it and refusing me!"

"You didn't get me that dog because you cared, you got him so that I would care for him and you could use him against me!"

"Use him... Why would I do that? What is it I need to force you to do? He was a gift to show you how I felt!"

I turned to him finally, feeling sick and stunned all over again. He was serious. I looked away quickly, feeling horrible and embarrassed. "To force me to let you do as you wanted with me. To not fight or fuss," I said lamely.

"No. He was to make you happy. Give you a companion and show you that I felt more for you than I had at first. You refused him. Refused me. Treated me as a chore you had to do, to put up with."

"So you hurt me for that. Punished me for it," I said softly.

"When you took off..." he began, his voice catching slightly. "When... when I found you... I knew how you felt, but I thought maybe if I showed you... But you still acted like I was something horrible you had to bear. I..."

I couldn't hear anymore, a lump was rising in my throat and I jumped up and fled to the room, shutting the door and curling up in the bed to cry. I had been wrong. We had both been wrong, but I felt awful. I saw it now, looking back. The little ways he had tried. The ways I had turned my shoulder to him, never letting him in.

He came in twenty minutes later and set the tall package on the dresser, then the smaller package next to it. He left, pulling the door shut softly. I didn't want to look at them, I knew it would hurt my heart, but I forced myself to get up and look.

The tall one was a stack of books and my heart ached. I had mentioned to Henry how much I loved to read and how I wished I could read to him and how I wish there was one book in the house besides the old book about common ailments that they had. Jack had heard me and had gotten a full dozen books for me. I wiped tears away with a shaky hand before picking up the smaller package. It was a beautiful silver necklace with a locket. In the locket was a lock of brown hair and I knew it was Henry's. I knew the locket had been Lilians. I turned it and it had been engraved.

'You have brought light back to a dark home'

I went to my knees, clutching it to my chest as I sobbed, rocking on my knees. I was heartbroken.

Jack really did care, he was just really awful at showing it! And he had tried. More than once. How did I even begin to fix this?

Dark came and I heard Henry come home, talking excitedly about the four rabbits he had shot. I heard him ask about me, but didn't hear an answer. Seconds later, the door opened and Henry looked in. His face went from excited to concerned as he looked down at me on the floor. "Ma? What happened?!? Are you hurt?"

"No! No, I am fine," I said, getting up off the floor. "Just... just woman issues. Tell me about your day," I said, managing a smile. I put the locket on before going out to put a late dinner on.

Henry stood and told Jack and I all about his day as I cooked, so full of excitement that it was hard not to get caught up in it. Even Jack had a ghost of a smile on his face.

When we sat down to dinner, I put a hand on the table like I always did, resting it near my cup. Jack set his hand next to mine, just barely letting the edge of his hand touch mine. I looked down at his hand, then started to look at him, but looked down at my lap instead. I wanted to pull my hand away as I blushed, but I gently touched his hand first before picking up my napkin.

That was all. No words, just a slight touch. Henry kept talking, telling us how long he had to track the third rabbit before he found it and how he had upset a badger.

After I cleaned up, I hesitated again. Jack had sent Henry to bed and he was sitting in front of the fire, staring into it. Steeling myself, I went to him and stood close, trembling slightly.

He lifted an arm and put his hand on my waist, still staring into the fire. "It's a bit long on you, but it looks nice. She would have liked you I think. She would be glad you were wearing it."

"Thank you. For the locket. For the books. For Rufus."

"It was probably best you gave him to Henry, he has too much energy to stay close all day."

"And apparently he is good at keeping angry badgers at bay," I said with a smile. "Jack?"

"Mm?"

"Will... will you come to bed and... show me how to be a wife to you?"

He finally looked at me then, looking me over. "Are you asking because you feel obliged now, girl?" he asked.

"No. No... I feel as though I have not really allowed... anything more than... you understand I am sure. And... can you please not call me girl?"

"Are you not a girl?"

"You say I am a woman, woman enough at least. I am nineteen now, that makes me a woman."

"Yet still a girl."

"I have a name?"

"It was a girl who won my heart," he said, looking back to the fire.

My heart beat a little faster then and a smile tried to slip out as I blushed. I decided I was fine with 'girl'.