All Comments on 'The Happiest Day of Her Life Ch. 03'

Please don't ruin the story with totally unrealistic scenes. Any courthouse holding major felony trials would have metal detectors that would have prevented the thug from entering the courtroom with a gun.

I too question how Bobby would have access to a gun.

Why and the hell did Bobby show up for the trial? His arrogant ass thought he had it made. Now he definitely will have more charges added on top of the others.

You have no idea about being realistic! 1*

There were quite a few questions about the realism; not just in this chapter. Part of that was due to my decision to rip out a lot of the expository dialogue and narration. I felt the pace was dragging in these chapters and left enough clues, I felt, for the audience to figure things out so I could "cut to the chase". Chapter 4 was almost entirely exposition so now you can understand how certain things happened. Hopefully, that helped.

Not bad but I am unable to read the first two chapters for some reason and I was a bit lost at first. One suggest, slow down. Take the time to expand your descriptions so we can feel what the characters are feeling. You have an interesting story and a good imagination, but the pace is too quick for my tastes. Try expanding the sex scene over about 3 to 4 pages on your word processor with 14 pt font, take time to employ adjectives, describe the surroundings and the emotions the characters are feeling. Would a thug be able to get a gun in a court room? Maybe, maybe not, but the reader will overlook technical matters like that and grant you artistic license if the realism is overwhelming in the rest of the story. Please keep writing! Also, where are the first two chapters? I just discovered this story tonight and although you fill the the blanks I'm still a bit lost. Finally, remember to slow down. Everyone knows what the courtroom in A Time to Kill looks like because Grisham told us. Without that, the characters would all be floating in space and the reader has to fill in the details. Don't leave that up to the readers, we are too lazy to do that. Anyway, keep up the good work!

It's very nice to get feedback from someone on my favorite authors list. You should be able to find the first two stories by clicking on my user name. They should be there under submissions. I would suggest reading Chapter 4 first. That was where I put a ton of expository dialogue to explain chapters 2 and 3 - including how Bobby got the gun through security. Don't read the entire chapter, Jessie, just where I suggest in that chapter.

It's interesting that you tell me to slow down. My instinct, in this process, has been to speed up. I'm very often afraid to have too much detail and emotion because it will be boring to those just looking for the next fuck section. I do enjoy your solution to that in your wonderful series, but I can't really break the fourth wall in my series. I did a standalone story about Chloe and Jenn that should be approved soon as a sort of homage to you, but I've obviously rushed that one as well. There is, however, some fourth wall breakage in that story.

Chapter 6 is already waiting to be approved, but I am in the process of writing Chapter 7 and I can slow down on that one. I know a few places where descriptions and emotional reactions can be added. I suppose it would be easier to put in emotions in a first person story, but I'm fairly sure I can add those in without the prose getting awkward and saggy.

You have no idea how much it means to me to read your encouragement to keep writing. I had some discouragements along the way on this series. The last two chapters have had no comments, so I began to wonder how this was being received.

Based on your kind words, I will be happy to slow down. I will describe what people are thinking and feeling. I will describe the spaces people inhabit. This, obviously, will mean longer gaps between chapters. Hopefully, there will still be people willing to read this when each new chapter comes out. I'm very glad you have read my writing. It goes without saying that I am a fan of your series. Please continue your writing and if you ever grace my writings with your attention again, please let me know what is or is not working. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

-tangentjoker

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Glad to help! The first couple stories in my series I waited a couple days and re read before submitting, then threw them away. Without those slow detail it was like reading a set of IKEA instructions for sex... "insert tab "A" into slot "B"" and it occurred to me that the stories I like to read had more depth than that. So I rewrote them and liked them enough to submit. Mine are first person perspective because that is what works for me, and I break the fourth wall as much as anything to keep the readers attention when I think I've gone too long without a sex scene. My next chapter has a point where I have to break the wall because I just couldn't come up with a way to explain what was going on without it, and frankly I don't like the way it reads. I left it in more to disarm criticism more than anything else, and would take it out but I've been waiting a week for it to publish and don't want to start the wait over. Anyway, your comments have been helpful to me, and I am happy to return the favor. Slow down, let us know the scenery, and most important, let us know why characters are motivated to do what they do, and what they are thinking. A rape victim's emotions are going to be very complex and a great spot to pull emotion from your readers. Don't worry about how long your story runs or the sex to page ratio, the best stories on here are the ones that tell us a story that interests us, and after a while there there are only so many ways to describe sex acts. Good luck and keep writing!

Don't take negative criticism with a grain of salt, especially from people who haven't tried writing. After my chapter that had anal sex in it I got several pieces of email from some guy who not only didn't like the story, but said he would never read my stories again because he didn't like anal. I'm reading this thinking, "Ummm Okay, he's putting a lot of effort into announcing that, what sort of issue does this guy have other than not liking it?" Anyway, not everyone is going to like everything you write, and thats okay. Its not easy writing a good story, and if it were there wouldn't be so much ridiculous crap on here. I mean really? A high school cheerleader accidentally finds her parents at a swingers club and proceeds to fuck 15 guys while her brother watches and mother encourages her? Really? Does that happen a lot and none of my friends have ever mentioned it? Anyway, like I said, a victim of a gang rape is going through a ton of emotions and it will be a challenge for you to write about them, especially having watched her husband get killed by the rapist. Work through it, I look forward to reading the story as you develop it.

Its pathetic to think that someone who has been raped just goes about a few weeks later exploring all sorts of other sexual adventures. Where is your compassion ?

Dont bother, its obvious.

I liked the suggestion in Chapter 4 to read the first half of that chapter before going to 2 and 3. I did that and I'm ok with the story now. Keep writing.