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"Excuse me?"
"Yeah, a bunch of niggas popped up on your front porch trying to knock down the door because they wanted to stomp you out for messing with your auntie and shit!! That's nasty cuz, real messed up and nasty!! WHY'D YOU DO THAT SHIT?!! COME ON, TELL ME WAS IT WORTH IT FOR SOME OLD LADY?!!"
"Cut that shit out; is my mother okay, Deanna?"
"DO YOU CARE?!!"
I hung up without another word quickly calling my mother.
I was blocked.
My shoulders slumped as my head rolled back until my eyes were fixed to the kitchen ceiling. My breaths came in measured huffs as I worked to restrain myself mentally. My cousin reminded me of Porsha Simms who ended up outing my burgeoning clandestine lifestyle. Sometime between our first and secondary "shoots" she'd fallen on hard times becoming addicted to drugs. This left her easy prey for Ms. One aka Renee Kelly who wasted no time weaponizing her as return fire during our blood feud.
"Shit man, fuck me sideways." I blanketed my face with a hand chronologically scared at what I might have done if I were home that day. Part of me would've liked to think I could have averted that disaster. The other part went to dark places that scared the shit out of me in the present. That "Infamous Baby Mamma #2" sent Jaquan over after that, but I subdued him with a modicum of effort outing her own much more nefarious plan that involved abandoning him and leaving their daughter behind as a spy.
Jaquan was still unaware of his daughter's covert genius and the fact that she'd been spying on him for her mother from day one. He never questioned the reason a toddler had a cellphone just thinking it was some cute way of bonding between entitled mother and princess daughter. I'd been pressed into keeping that secret by the little girl in question in exchange for access to her mother to complete my own campaign in the final days of our epic back and forth. It was teacher versus student, master versus the learner...and I was Darth Vader.
I dialed up my father again.
I was blocked, of course. Dad was still ducking me after being cucked when I took his incidental "Sugar Baby" Erica Walton and his former girlfriend, then tragic side piece Babbs Walton, Erica's mother. The women ended up switching places in his life after Erica decided to sexually troll her mother's boyfriend. Dear old dad had dodged me ever since and now I was finding out that he allowed a bunch of people to ambush my mother's house looking to obviously take me out. Uncle Grady was on my radar now.
I got online using one of my fake accounts to peruse some relatives social media finding a wealth of information that painted me in the worse light. I had the wherewithal to download a lot of the negative comments and memes on a portable hard drive. I was not above being litigious at some point in the future. One of my male cousins, now a high school football player who I didn't particularly care for, posted a clip of their attempted raid on my former home. My mother answered the door looking doe eyed with her boyfriend Gene at her side. I was excoriated on this Tik Tok clip, going viral.
As far as I was concerned, this was blood in the water, and I was a great white. They didn't know me.
Not in the least.
But they were going to find out.
"Huh, what's this?" My former auntie, now public codefendant and online talent sent a video clip.
It was a nearly five minute clip of her knobbing off Andre 13.5 with extreme prejudice in the mother of all sloppy tops culminating in a geyser-like money shot for the ages as he screamed and whined shrilly. A puzzle piece shifted into place giving me an even clearer picture as I surmised these people thought I was the owner of that ridiculous schlong in the clip. I downloaded and uploaded the clip to my site leaving it unavailable. My superpower was strategizing on the go, and this was going to be a test of my skills. I knew I had to work quickly running an online check of the clip seeing if it hit the streets, yet.
"Esther, I got a little something in my mailbox; wanna tell me about it?" I didn't give her a chance to say anything, talking a mile a minute trying to steady myself internally. I knew it wasn't in my best interests to blow up in Esther's face.
"UH...I was messing around with your cousin in that there bathroom where all my stuff kept; he snatched me up on that counter top. Well, you can guess what we did; so, my big ole' butt ended up smashing my iPhone sending out some that uh, sex tape with Andre. Well uh, didn't get the other one, did you?"
"Send it to me auntie; I'm gonna need exclusive rights to that footage. This is non-negotiable, Esther."
"Uhm, okay then." She sounded uneasy knowing she had no wiggle room one way or the other.
"I need you to make a list of all the people who received those clips; all of them, understand?" I was tapping away at my laptop bringing up my editing bay with my android attached to its side. More clips arrived as we talked.
"It was an accident; I didn't do it on purpose."
"I'm going to take care of it auntie; all you have to do is send me that information."
"Didn't do it on purpose." She mumbled sounding defeated.
"Jaquan's still there, right?"
There were a few moments of silence.
"Hey cuz; I'm here." I didn't ask any questions about the obvious.
"I'm sending you Andre's current location via text; I want you to drive over there, be my eyes and retrieve him if necessary."
"What if he just went home?"
"Either you're doing what I asked, or not bruh; the choice is yours." Another pool of silence followed as I began editing the rough clips together into a semi-coherent short adding some creative flourish with a few filters keeping in line with Esther's online esthetic. Using another window on my computer, began using a troll account to monitor the other recipients of Esther's sex tape. I was in for a long day in front of my laptop.
"Send me that address, cuz." Jaquan sounded crestfallen.
"I'll pay for the gas and anything else that happens, alright Jaquan?" I texted him the location making a mental note to patch things up between us at the end of this situation.
"I GOT IT!" He shouted into the phone. There was some white noise afterwards, almost making me think he'd hung up on me. I knew I could check his location using the "find my phone "app online.
"Hello?" It was Esther again as I heard a door slam in the background.
"Is he in that hotel?"
"Jaquan just left; he walked out after you gave him them walking papers.
"No, I'm talking about Grady; you said he popped up today fucking around at that presidential suite you're staying at. That's pretty much a private floor accessible by key card, right?"
"Uhm, well...HEY I DON'T WANT NO TROUBLE!! DON'T MAKE NO MESS ROUND HERE CAUSE SECURITY WAS HERE AND GAVE ALL OF US A WARNING!!" Esther was panicking, telling me what I wanted to know as I perused the video clips, having already found the ones sent by my Uncle Grady as an opening salvo between the estranged parties. Looking at the forwarded collection of clips between both parties told the tale of Esther's morning romp with two of my online male talents who'd gone into business for themselves.
"Don't worry about it." I was multitasking still editing the new scene she'd shot on the fly in a fit of jealous rage.
"I'M SORRY BOUT CAUSING YOU ALL THIS TROUBLE TODAY!! DON'T HURT GRADY!! HE'S JUST BEING DUMB!!" Listening to her defending my uncle's out of control behavior was frustrating, but I toughed it out thinking a mile a minute.
"Are you really worried that I might harm my uncle?"
"Well uhm, I don't know anymore; you're so different than what I used to think all taking control of everything being so manly and shit. You talked to your big cousin like he was your kid and made him respond, handled everything with me and I know you're trying to help Andre out, too. I uhm, just don't know."
"Are you going to trust me?"
"Well, I just don't know about things and you're righteously mad, so I guess he done something real stupid got you all fucked up, man. He sent me some stupid shit this morning, so I made one, but I wasn't even gonna send it. Things got all messed up with your cousin in the bathroom and I uh, butt dialed Grady...uh, butt emailed, I guess?"
"Auntie?"
"Yeah?"
"You're babbling; do you trust me or not?"
"Uh, yeah."
"I'll call you back, auntie." I ended the call tapping away at my laptop after catching screen grabs of my uncle's new female friends.
It took a good ten minutes to catch their trail online finding all of their social media accounts. These rachet looking women were strippers two out of the three pictured. The third didn't have much outside of a stripped Facebook account with no information to go on. Esther already knew her husband was frequenting the club they worked at on infrequent "fishing trips" which was part of the deciding factor for our working relationship. Esther talked a good game about derailing his attempts at catching her messing around by seducing the private investigator Grady hired. I got the same deal when she thought I might snitch her out, but I took things into overdrive. Now the chickens had come home to roost.
I wanted to fry up some chicken but noticed the long hand of karma starting to work its magic.
One of the strippers had taken a number of pics outside and around Uncle Grady's home making it clear he was out for the day. Scrolling further revealed a travelogue of their activates with many video clips documenting their upward mobility provided by a clueless simp. The first video clip sent to my aunt made it appear only one woman was linked up with him, but the second revealed the other. Both of them were nothing to write home about while the third may have been the adult daughter of either of these women. More than a few of the pics focused on specific things in the home making me smirk.
"Hello, PBX department?" I dialed up the hotel verifying my uncle rented a room on the floor below Esther. Another call came in on my burner phone from Andre's estranged boorish wifey. I answered it knowing she thought it was Shawnee but didn't say anything.
"OH, YOU AIN'T GONNA SAY NOTHING?!! HUH?!! I KNOW YOU'RE THERE I CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING!!...look, Andre's gotta be back at work tomorrow unless you wanna pay our fucking bills. THAT'S RENT, LIGHTS AND GAS!! I can't do it all by myself, Shawnee. Hey, we had an agreement. I don't fuck with your shit, and you don't fuck with mine. YOU KEEPING HIM, HUH?! What's up? Mad about our cam stuff? Well, you were making dirty movies with my man, so I'm entitled to get my share too. SPEAK!!"
I hung up in her face switching off the phone as I checked my fake inbox finding a plethora of messages from Andre's better half along with pics and brief video clips of her nude body. Dayna was frustrated.
I didn't answer these either.
I was too busy editing my uncle's sex tape into a barely three minute clip. He was with two of the women out of the three in a cringey segment that made it plain the old man was being sexually trolled. It was hard making the edits look particularly messy and unprofessional. Uncle Grady was off the chain all day making many raids against the people he thought responsible for his unhappiness, including my mother. My father's social media remained static, thankfully revealing he was out of town with his new lady love on some remote beach. The new woman in his life was attractive and shapely.
"Plausible deniability."
Esther aka Mz. Giggles brand spanking new movie was placed behind a paywall priced high enough to make my regular customers balk. That was part of the plan, but the teaser was free.
Strains of "Magic Mona" by Phyllis Hyman wafted through the shorter than usual teaser which saw Mz. Giggles sauntering about that presidential suite in various pieces of vintage lingerie, all in gorgeous monochrome with filters designed to make it look like old film footage with fake scratches.
Esther looked incredible and the black and white aesthetic made her curves pop and crackle with sexual energy. The stinger came in the form of a harsh fade out / fade in of quick cuts highlighting her phenomenal head game, bionic cowgirl with a clip ending blowout of Andre 13.5's huge pecker thrusting upward between her enormous cheeks spewing jizz like a geyser. It stopped on a barely perceptible silhouette of Mz. Giggles peering out of the window in that smaller room in the suite. The moirés from the venetian blinds played off her cornfed body. The clicks and likes racked up like a slot machine.
My regular android started ringing off the hook with Esther's number.
"Yeah auntie?"
"YOU POSTED THE GAWD DAMN VIDEO?!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, I GOT MYSELF CAUGHT UP IN A FUCKING DIVORCE BOY!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!! GRADY PROBABLY KNOW ABOUT IT! TOO!! YOU'RE STABBING ME IN THE FUCKING BACK, TOO?!!" She was livid.
"Calm down, I got this."
"WHAT?!! IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?!!" Esther screamed, making my ears ring.
"Did you look at the price of that movie?" It got quiet on her end of the line. I knew she was checking the site to find out what I was talking about.
"Oh, uh...five hundred bucks? Ain't nobody gonna buy a fucking iPhone sex tape for that amount of money!"
"Are you ready to listen, or are you gonna keep bitching?"
"Ok, shoot."
"Jennifer Lopez."
"WHAT?!!"
"Back in 2002, Jlo filed a lawsuit against one Marion "Suge" Knight to block the release of an alleged sex tape. To make a long story short, they settled out of court with him admitting through his lawyers the tape didn't exactly exist. No one's ever seen that supposed sex tape; it's sort of an urban legend these days."
"Whut...what that gotta do with my situation here and now, huh boy?" Esther stammered.
"People can see your sex tape, but they won't buy it; especially after I flood my site with cheaper content with just as much quality. I'm undermining my own content while also establishing a legal claim to what you made this morning, so ask me why?"
"Why?"
"It allows me to block any one trying to release the content after it was leaked. People know it exists, but ain't gonna pony up the money to see this movie. I'd better have everybody that shit was sent to this morning so that I can plug up any leaks with a sweet cease and desist letter from an attorney."
It was quiet after that for almost a minute before I spoke again.
"Uh, shit." Esther gulped on her end of the call making me facepalm.
"Do you understand now, auntie?"
"Yes I do, sorry; you got me here feeling like a plum fool wet behind the ears. I uh, underestimated you because of our family relationship, and because of our age difference. I'm sorry bout that; it's hard to break habits when you're old as I am, right?"
"I don't know auntie; maybe I'll figure it out when I get there. Do me a favor and stop talking about yourself like you're an old lady. We're in this together and out of the fucking closet because of my uncle, your husband. He's well in his rights for that, I guess; it's just that I don't appreciate that nigga taking a lynch mob over to my mother's house."
"OH NO!!" Esther sounded horrified.
"She's fine, but we're nuclear especially after you accidentally butt dialed that sex tape to a number of people in your phone's contacts. You didn't have my mother's number in your phone, did you?"
"Nuh, no I... didn't. Your folks were already divorced when I got married up with Grady. Seen her one or two times around here and there all cordial and everything, but we didn't know each other like that. You think anybody sent her that shit?"
"I don't know, she blocked me."
I could hear Esther whimpering on the opposite end of the line, but my mood was cold.
"I'm take care of everything; do you trust me?"
"YES!"
"Good, please don't make any more sex tapes unless I'm there."
"Uhm, sure...well, all the menfolk gone up out of here anyway and it's just as well cause both of them fellas got me awfully sore downstairs. I'm gonna need me a wheelchair when I check outta here. It's been hella crazy round here what with all the drama and fucking; guess I just got lost in muh self." Her southern accent seemed to get thicker when she was distressed.
"Esther."
"I should've stopped that Andre boy from hitting my backdoor; feels like a baseball bat was shoved back there. Jaquan sure got himself a race car engine under that there hood of his; fuck I think he was trying to plant a baby in my bucket. Damn uh, I feel so ashamed of it all when you look at it in the rear view mirror. I don't know what to say. Them sex tapes Grady sent got me all up in my feelings. Guess I wanted to prove I still got it or something, huh?"
"ESTHER!"
"Yeah?"
"I need you to keep it together and uhm, remember that thing I told Jaquan about being a Head Master?"
"That Transformer kiddie stuff?"
"Yeah, I want you to do the same thing and keep it a buck. I think I'm going to need you to make a phone call sometime later today; can you do that for me, auntie?" My laptop pinged with a bell sound.
"I can do whatever you want."
"Good, and by the way uh, someone has made a purchase of your sex tape and left a generous donation in your online tip jar."
"Don't tell me." She sounded bummed out.
"Your guy in Dubai is a true fan."
"Aw shit." I ended the call bringing up the social media account I'd been watching while talking with Esther. There was a garish flyer for a house party posted there as I texted a serendipitous expert.
[HELP!]-It was a very simple text sent in a time of personal crisis to the only person who could help me out.
*****
[HOUR EARLIER]
His long finger pushed the doorbell for an extended period of time. The sound was audible from the other side of the door for what seemed like an eternity, until the heavy door was snatched open.
"WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK, IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!" The force used to yank the door open was so powerful, it hit a cabinet in the short alcove knocking over some odds and ends.
"Sorry, is Baby-Et here, miss?"
"WHO?!!"
"Baby-Et."
Andre found himself looking at one of the meanest looking women he'd ever seen in his life. Her narrow face was dark but personized with a lattice of blackheads across the bridge of her nose and cheeks. She had some big darkened lips that matched up with Esther aka Mz. Giggles across town in an airport hotel with his rival Jaquan. He scoffed at the thought of them hooking up after Jaquan intruded on his personal happiness. Fate intervened in a clandestine communication over text beckoning him to this current location in a tight inner city cul-de-sac.
"BABBSEE-E-ETT!" Andre tried to phonetically sound out the name given to him in the chat on his Switch. He hadn't thought to write out the name and didn't know what to make of this angry older woman glaring at him through her screen door, but thought her head was football shaped topped with a shock of greasy curls that looked like an afterthought. Her eyes were almost glowing with rage.
"Are you soft in the fucking head, negro?!! Playing ding-dong-ditch will get that ass tapped with a motherfucking thirty eight; do you want some lead in that ass?!!"
"No, but Baby-Et said to come here." Andre insisted sounding slightly agitated.
"I DON'T KNOW NO FUCKING BABY-ASS, FOOL!!" She shouted back loud enough to make her voice echo in the immediate outside yard exasperating Andre who threw up his hands.
"OKAY LADY! Sorry, I guess Babbette was just messing with me like everybody else."
The glowering countenance of the middle aged black woman was off putting in an oppressive fashion as Andre wondered why it felt like he'd engaged in a verbal fistfight with this woman. He trudged down the short walkway from the front door walking towards the black steel gate. He pulled the console from his jacket pocket intent on playing a game or two.
