The Hotel Ch. 01

I felt tears rolling down, congealing on my chest and in her hair. "I love you, as well, Patience. You are such a wonderful friend."

"I'm sorry but I don't think I can make love right now. I desperately want to, but if you could just hold me please."

I held onto her tightly, the trembling scared me, it was like her whole body shuddered.

"I love you, Reece. I never set out to, but I do, I love Sierra as well, and I told her how I felt about you. She understood. She wasn't angry."

We swung slowly in the hammock, the motion somehow easing the emotions.

"How could anybody be angry with you?" I whispered.

She sniffled softly, wiping her nose on my T-shirt. "God it feels so good having you in my arms. Leif has been so detached, he doesn't know what to do. He is scared of hurting me."

"I think I know how he feels. Maybe I could talk to him, explain," I murmured.

"No, don't you dare," she snarled. "He has to come to me."

We cuddled in the hammock until Sierra called us for dinner. I lifted her out and was amazed by how light she was. Bloody hell, she must be barely fifty Kilo's.

The kids, who didn't really understand, dominated dinner as they always did. They talked about school and general stuff, but it kept the mood high.

After dinner, Patience grabbed my hand. "D'ya wanna watch a movie with me?"

"Yeah, what are we going to watch?"

She giggled. "Oh I don't know, something mushy, something romantic."

As I helped the kids clean the table down, Patience said, "We're going out to the swing for a while. You get the movie ready."

Going out to the swing meant they were going out to get stoned. I floundered around in the box containing all the DVDs and found "Sleepless in Seattle." Cheesy, but there wasn't much to choose from. About half an hour later, she came and curled up on the sofa. "Lets start without them. They are out getting wasted."

As the movie started, she sniggered, "Oh my god. "Sleepless in Seattle"."

"Sorry, I didn't know what to put in."

"God, you're a devil for punishment. I love it, but do you really want to sit through it?"

"If it means I get to spend time with you, then it'll be worth it. I might get a beer, though."

When I returned, she wriggled around getting close, her head resting on my shoulder.

We watched the movie. Sierra and Leif came in a little while later and Sierra came and snuggled with Patience and me. Leif got some more beers and he sat on the floor in front of us. We laughed like old times. Joking and making fun of the movie opened up some dialogue, and for the first time in a long time, the house was momentarily bathed in joy.

I may have promised Patience, but the first moment I got alone with Leif I let him have both barrels, just like Sierra did to me. "Mate, you have got to put aside your sadness. You have got to get close to Patience, she misses you."

"Yeah, I know. I feel it, but I'm lost, dude. I'm fucked if I know what to say to her."

"Say that, say anything. God, I know how you feel, but you have to push past that."

He grabbed me. Instantly, we were locked in a bear hug to end all hugs. "I'm scared, bro, what the fuck am I gonna do?"

"Love her man, love her. Hold her, cuddle her, talk to her. Be honest, cherish every moment. Tell her you're scared. She is waiting, and the longer you leave it. The harder it will get."

Thankfully, Leif was able to move past his fears, and it was nice to see them cuddling and talking intimately. The changes in Patience were plain to see. With Leif fully beside her, she seemed happier in herself.

Patience became the centre of our world. We did everything we could to ease her pain, to make her smile. We bathed her in communal love.

One night, we were snuggled together on the sofa, Sierra and Leif outside having a joint. She snuggled close. "Will you sleep with me tonight, Reece?"

The swapping had come to a halt when she became ill. I thought we were doing the right thing by giving them time to themselves. Patience had other ideas. "I miss you, my love. I miss you so much. Would you mind?"

"Mind, god I would love to, we just thought you and Leif..."

"No, you are my man, just as much. If you don't want to, just say."

"No, I want to, I would love to."

She smiled, "I hoped you'd say that. Poor Leif, he has needs, and I can't satisfy them anymore."

That sounded calculated, but I didn't care. That night, I held her in my arms as we drifted off to sleep. It was hard for me to sleep, but having her there just seemed right.

We swapped many times over the next couple of months. All Patience and I ever did was kiss and cuddle, but that was more than enough for me. If I was Leif, I would have wanted to keep her for myself, grab every moment, but he and I had different views on the world. He, more than I realised we were a group, not two couples.

Unfortunately, the end was closer than any of us thought, and in only a few short months she was gone.

The last few days were the worst days of my life. Watching her wither and waste away before our eyes was heart breaking.

As the days dragged on, she asked the others to leave her and I alone as she lay in her bed, gasping for every breath.

She whispered croakily, "Hold me, Reece, I want to feel you against me."

I leaned over the bed, and she gripped me, her mouth, dry and parched, caressed mine. As she let me go, she said. "Lover, I need to talk about your promise, okay?"

"Yes." My words stuttery, hesitant between the sniffles.

"What I am going to ask, is not fair, but I am going to ask anyway. I want you to swear on my life, you will do everything in your power to hold our family and home together. Our children are going to need you more than ever."

I didn't answer straight away; I didn't know what to say. "Please, my sweet, promise me, grant me that one dying wish."

"I will try, Patience."

"No, not good enough Reece, I need more. Leif is going to be hopeless after I go. I can see it now, he isn't strong like you, he's lost and alone. I need you and Sierra to step up. I need you, please, swear, Reece. You will do everything you possibly can to hold this family together, I know it will be hardest for you, but I need you to follow through."

I nodded. "I swear, Patience. I will do everything in my power."

"Thank you, I knew I could rely on you. That's the difference between you and Leif, he is a dreamer, a procrastinator. I need you to be strong for me. He will need you, but he will need Sierra more." That last part didn't register then, with all the emotion I was feeling, but would come back to bite me in the butt.

We hugged for a while and she whispered in my ear. "I love you so much, I am going to miss you."

My tears puddled on her pillow, and I kissed her again. "I will miss you more."

"Reece, babe, could you get me a drink please?"

I went to get her fresh water, and the others all streamed in.

*****

The house filled with family, and friends. Luckily we had all the spare rooms. They were filled with to the brim.

Patience refused to go into palliative care; she wanted her last days to be in out loving warm home. We made up a bedroom for her downstairs. The doctor set everything up for us, the drip for fluids, and Sierra and I were shown how to administer morphine. God it was hard, so very bloody hard. She couldn't eat, in so much pain, we had her stuffed full of morphine.

It was wonderful having the family support. But it brought us to a stand still. Sierra had to take time off work just to manage meals. She looked exhausted.

The end came quickly after that. The wider family were chased away for the final few moments.

We gathered around her bed as she drifted in and out of consciousness, her breathing shallow and ragged. Leif held one hand, Sierra the other, her family watched in horror as she drew her last breath. Drugs meant it wasn't painful, but it was heartbreaking.

Leif broke down completely afterwards. He cried, although that doesn't really describe it. I have never seen a human suffer the way he did. Sierra and I had to prise his hand from Patience's. I shepherded him out of the bedroom, giving the family a chance to hold her and do their own grieving.

He was swamped by his Mum and Dad, who escorted him away. He was a broken man, completely destroyed by grief.

I could see he wanted help, and I chased after them, pulling him into a tight forceful hug. He held me in his arms, and we strained, our muscles aching as we rocked to and fro, my shirt soon wet with our combined tears. It was impossible to not be moved. I felt his fingers clutching vainly at my shirt as his grip tightened, his whole body shuddering. He was broken, he felt weak and fragile.

"What the fuck am I going to do, bro? She was my life, everything. I'm nothing without her."

"I know, mate. We understand, but it will get better, at least she's in a better place. No more pain."

"Oh yeah, easy for you to say, bro. Fuck me, we have never been apart since we met. I love her with everything. It's not bloody fair."

"No, you're right, she did nothing to deserve that. She was a wonderful loving person."

"What about our kids, what are they going to do?"

"We can help; we promised Patience we would do everything in our power to make their lives better. Sierra will help, mate. She gets on great with them, and now we will step up."

"Thanks, bro," he mumbled, incoherently, his body still trembling.

It was sad, cripplingly so. The house was cast in a dark gloomy shadow nobody could shift.

The funeral was huge. It made us realise what a vast shadow her passing had created. Family were there from the lengths and breadth of the country, friends and her teaching colleagues from the school, pupils and their families.

With the funeral done, it was back to our place for the wake. Leif was inconsolable. Totally useless, his parents tried to comfort him.

It was impossible for all of us, and he went downhill pretty quickly. We hoped once the family was gone, he would improve, but nothing we did or said seemed to help. He never even said goodbye to his family as they left

I shepherded him outside to get some air. All the kids came out and jumped onto his lap, and the five of them cried together. The outpouring of grief was immense.

I went back inside to help Sierra, she came into my arms and we hugged, as only they who have lost somebody dear to them can.

"Where's Leif?" she asked, and I explained. She gave me a kiss, saying. "I might go and sit with him for a while."

"Yeah, good idea." I replied.

The kids, sad and exhausted, drifted off to bed. I went in and sat with them, it had been a long day, and they didn't understand. This was Patience's realm: she was the nurturer, mother superior, and they were going to miss her influence. We talked for a while; it's hard to explain death. Eventually they drifted off to sleep.

Leif stayed out on the swing seat by himself throughout the ordeal. Sierra came and went as she tried to stay with him, comfort him.

She was by my side as we finished the cleaning up and stacking away the dishes. That's when she sidled up close, her body pressed hard up against me. Her breasts crushed against my back, her head on my shoulder. She whispered in my ear. "I might go back out and see if I can calm him down. He's distraught." She reached around and waved a joint under my nose. "This might help."

Patience certainly left behind a huge hole that was going to be impossible to fill. The void was as deep as the Hikurangi trench.

I poked my head out to see how they were getting on over the next couple of hours, I could hear him wailing like a wounded beast, cuddled together in the cool evening air.

I tried to busy myself, cleaning, walking around. It was impossible to avoid Patience, memories were everywhere, everywhere I looked, there was a photograph, or one of her paintings. Christ, I missed her as well, it wasn't bloody fair. She was my lover, my confidante, the moderator when Sierra and I fought. Christ I loved her every bit as much as Leif, she was part of me, she was woven into the fabric of my life. Her dreams, her vision for our family, had come true, only to be shattered by her death.

Everybody was so focused on supporting Leif, they forgot about me, I was hurting just as much. Still, I realised, she was his wife, and I needed to be strong for the family.

The dark despondent cloud of doom, refused to lift. I had a few whiskey's, a couple of beers, nothing quenched the pain. I wanted to hold Sierra; at least we still had each other.

I was falling into the same deep pit that Leif was in. When Sierra walked in, she looked terrible. Her eyes were red, puffy, her face tear stained, her hair matted and dishevelled where Leif's tears had fallen.

She slid into my arms, her mouth closed over mine and we kissed. It wasn't sexual, it was fuel to sustain life, ease the pain that she felt as well as me.

She broke the kiss, her head buried in the nape of my neck. "Reece, can we talk about Leif for a moment?"

I tried to read her face, it was an impossibility, so fill of grief, but there was something else, hiding in there was it hope... . "Yeah, of course. He's in a bad way. God I hate seeing him suffer that way."

"I don't think he should be alone tonight. He is a mess, saying all sorts of silly things."

"What are you suggesting?"

"Babe, he needs us, I was going to suggest he sleeps with us tonight, maybe a few nights."

"Do you think that's such a good idea? He might prefer to be alone."

She looked pensive as she replied. "Would it hurt for him to share our bed until he's feeling a little more stable?"

"No, I suppose it'd be all right." I didn't mean for it to sound so cold, but I was confused. Our world was in a state of complete upheaval. Maybe it was the right thing to do?

She slipped into my arms and we shared a tear dampened kiss, a sweet poignant moment. It wasn't just Leif who was suffering the immense loss. We all felt it, we were all trying to deal with it.

With a final kiss, she moved towards the door. "I'll go and tell him."

When they came in later, hand in hand, he looked a beaten man, broken. He approached me looking distraught. "You must think I'm a fucking loser." He mumbled incoherently.

"No, mate, I understand. We are all feeling it. Hopefully a good nights sleep will make us all feel a little better. We're here for you, mate, we'll get through this together."

He grabbed me, his strong arms circling me, crushing me in one of his infamous bear hugs. God he was physically strong.

Sierra made us some nettle tea before she said, "Come on, I'm exhausted. Lets get some sleep, aye?"

It wasn't the first time our bed had housed three people. Usually though, it was Patience, Sierra and I. Leif was a lot bigger, and as it turned out, a lot more annoying. He had such a restless sleep he kept us all awake. Especially Sierra, who was crushed between us.

Showered and refreshed, the morning came around. I'm not sure why I thought things would be better. The house was cold, the sombre emotions flooded the place. Everywhere you looked there were remnants of Patience. I swear I could still smell her presence.

We sat around the big table for breakfast. There was no talking apart from Leif snapping at the kids for no reason. Usually he was the happy boisterous one. He almost encouraged the kids to be cheeky. On any normal day, it was me telling them to pull their heads in.

It was tough on the kids, as well. They were in this thing with us. Straight after eating, the kids all vanished outside. After helping Sierra with tidying up, I decided to see if I could at least lift the kids spirits. I found them out the back, sitting together in a circle.

"You guys want to go for a bike ride? I thought we could tackle the track up behind the creek."

They all sprang to their feet, and the race was on. We dragged the mountain bikes out, and we hit the trail. The joy evident as they all giggled and laughed as they tried to get to the front. It was bloody hard going, and we were all crawling as we crested the ridge where the countryside flattened out into a plateau. The kids all streamed off, even the girls left me in their dust.

I found them all stopped at the gate. We all settled down in a circle to catch our breath. "Dad, why is Dad being so grumpy?" Autumn, whispered uncomfortably.

"Sweetheart, you have to cut everybody a little slack. People grieve differently. He is really struggling, as we all are. We just need to give everybody time."

"But he is so moody," Harmony, sighed. "We are scared to talk to him, he bites our heads off."

I called her in for a hug. "Sweetheart, he is angry at the world, not at you. He misses your Mum, just like we all do, and now he is going to need our help."

"Is Dad going to be okay?" Hawk, asked nervously.

"I think he will be all right. Like all of us, he needs time. He is feeling it."

"Do you believe in heaven? I'm worried about Mum," Autumn whispered.

"I believe that your mum is in a better place. We all saw how much pain she was in. At least now she isn't suffering." Suddenly, my arms were full of crying kids. Yes, they were feeling it as well. We spent an age talking about the good moments. Memories filled with laughter and love, memories that would last a lifetime.

"She will be with us forever. I know I will never forget her. When we need her most, she will be standing beside us, holding our hand, cuddling us. She was a special woman, I loved her as well, you know."

The ride back down the hill raised the spirits. The screaming and laughing returned as we raced to the bottom. After we put away the bikes, the kids rushed inside to give, Sierra a hug and to ask if she needed help.

I found Leif in the shed, loading implements and materials onto his ute. "Need a hand, mate?"

"Nah, all done bro. I need a little space, okay mate? Just give me some room to breathe," he said curtly.

"No worries, mate. Call out of you need a hand."

Back at the house, I found Sierra crying, her head bowed doing some cleaning. "Where are the kids?" I asked.

"Up in their room I guess." She sighed forlornly as she tried to rub the pattern off the plates she was drying.

She slipped into my arms, the tears staining my shirt. "I can't do this, Reece. Patience is everywhere. I still feel her. Leif was grief stricken again. He wouldn't talk. The kids... I don't know what to say to them. I'm lost."

"It'll get better, Sierra. We have to understand it won't suddenly get better. We need to stick together. Support each other and be there for one another."

"You're right. Thank you for last night. Leif definitely needed us."

"Yeah, I tried to talk to him outside, but he's not ready to talk."

"No, he bit my head off, as well."

"I'm going to try and help the kids, the ride up the hill seemed to help."

She nodded. "Yeah, they were pretty chirpy when you returned."

I found them in their room, huddled together. When I walked in, they all rushed into my arms. This whole thing wasn't fair. The kids were in every bit as much pain as we were, maybe more. I gathered them together, and said, "What say we take a walk up the creek and find some eels?"

That was met with some joy. As we walked downstairs, Sierra saw the kids huddled against me, and asked, "Where are you going?"

"For a walk up by the creek," I mumbled. She looked at us and I saw the sorrow on her face.

The kids and I walked up the river. We turned over rocks looking for the tiny eels, we skipped stones on the water, they climbed trees and we hunted for the shiny stones they loved to collect. The whole time, we talked about Patience, their mother. Even my kids called her Mum. I turned around to find Sierra watching us intently. "Can I join in?" she asked hopefully.