The Hundred Year Storm

Evan and Joyce were good people, just like Ben and Maggie. It was no surprise that Danny had turned out the way he had.

Evan seemed interested in hearing about me. I guess Danny had been talking, and he was looking out for his son. I told some stories. He thought the freighter was possibly the stupidest decision anyone could ever make. Then he praised me for doing it. We went out to the barn, and I showed him my bike. He liked that, too. There was just something, something unsaid that floated under the surface of our conversations. I couldn't put my finger on it, but when they all finally left and Danny kissed me, I noticed the soft smiles on Evan's and Joyce's faces.

It had been an interview of sorts and I think I passed, whatever that meant, considering I was leaving tomorrow.

I laid awake for hours, getting up to pack and repack my bag for my trip more times than I could count. Tossing and turning, trying to decide how to handle telling my dad what I was going through, and changing my mind again and again.

When my alarm went off, I dragged myself out of bed and got dressed. No makeup and no boobs today. I was going for as androgenous as I could. There was something going on with my dad and I needed to deal with that first. I could introduce him to full-blown Chrissy once we had dealt with whatever was bothering him.

I helped Maggie clean the kitchen, started some laundry, even vacuumed the living room. Anything to keep busy and to take my mind away from what I had to do.

When Ben told me there was someone here to see me, I knew immediately who it was.

"Hey, Rick." His face betrayed a mix of frustration and agitation.

"You didn't call like you promised you would."

"I'm sorry. We got busy decorating, and it slipped my mind."

"I bet Danny was here helping, wasn't he?"

"Rick. Stop it. Just stop. I don't know what this thing with you and Danny is, but it has nothing to do with me."

"But, you..."

"No! No but. No nothing. You asked me to go hang out at the bonfire, not to go with you on a date. That's it. I showed up. I was hanging out with Belle and Danny and some other people. That's what hanging out is. It's not exclusive. Then you and Danny got into your thing, and I went to hang out with Belle and her friends."

Rick opened his mouth to say something else.

"Nope. Zip it. My turn. Look, you're still in high school. You're probably going off to college next fall to play football somewhere. I've been there done that. I've already graduated. Hell, I don't even live here. I'm leaving to go back to Chicago in a couple of hours. What did you think was going to happen? Did you think I would be so smitten with the local football star that I'd put my life on hold and follow you around like a puppy?"

He tried to form words two or three different times, but nothing came out.

"Look, when I first met you, I thought you were a nice guy. I'm coming back to get my bike when the weather clears a bit. Maybe by then you can find that nice guy I met at the grocery store, and we can try the hang out thing again. Maybe. Just understand that it won't be a date and that Danny might be there, too, and I won't tolerate you two getting into a pissing match while I'm around. Got it?"

"Ok." Rick shuffled his feet. "And I'm sorry. I just think you're really special. You're different from any girl I've ever met, and I guess I just hoped for too much. If you want to hang out when you get back, I'd like that. Maybe if you're here in March, we can all go to the Rodeo or something."

I could tell by the way his shoulders dropped I had hurt his ego a little, but I'd been there. Girls had shot me down in flames, put me in the friend zone. It wasn't fun. In fact, sometimes it hurts like hell. I also knew he'd get over it.

"You're beautiful, you know. I thought so the first time I saw you at the diner. It's why I followed you to the grocery store." He turned to leave.

"Thanks, Rick. I appreciate that more than you know. You're not too bad to look at either." I smiled at him and watched as he went back out to his truck.

Danny was pulling in as Rick left, and I couldn't be sure, but I thought Rick waved.

I waited for Danny on the porch and let him wrap me in his arms and give me a massive kiss. I knew part of it was him reclaiming his territory, but another part was him letting me know in advance that he was going to miss me.

"Rick apologized. We set some boundaries." I let Danny hold me a little longer. I was going to miss him, too.

Saying goodbye to Danny at the train station was almost as hard as saying goodbye to Belle. Ten days had felt like a lifetime. I had grown so close to all of them, and so quickly. I had a lot to think about and twenty-two hours to do it.

I fondled my necklace and just stared out the window at the snow, letting my brain process everything that had happened since I followed Ben down that dirt road to the hay barn. I had gotten close to the crew of the Estrella, but not like this. I had worked just as hard, probably harder, and partied like there was no tomorrow when we got to port. I knew things about their families and their girlfriends. I shared bunk space and weathered some storms with those men, but the last ten days had touched parts of me I didn't know I had. Not just the feeling of family, but this whole Chrissy thing.

I never thought about it, but Amtrak stops everywhere. Little towns like Mineola and Arkadelphia. Bigger stops like Little Rock and St Louis. I fell asleep just after we left Little Rock. When I woke up to go to the bathroom, the conductor was calling out Springfield. A few more hours and I'd be home, except it wasn't home anymore.

I splashed water on my face and took a long look at myself in the mirror. Sad, confused, a little scared. I saw it all looking back at me. No makeup, but I still had bangs. My pierced ears and my bright red nails. I had forgotten all about those. I thought about what they meant. It was just polish, paint. It was temporary, but it made me smile.

What was I afraid of? Did I truly think my dad would ever reject me? I knew Ben was right. Did I want to be Chrissy or Chris? I wasn't sure about that either. What I knew was that when I got dressed this morning, I had relished the smoothness of my body and smiled at the way the satin and lace of my panties felt as I pulled them up my legs and nestled everything in place. I pulled my western belt with CHRISSY across the back through the loops in my jeans. I was wearing one of Belle's camisoles under my shirt but had also put on the boots my grandfather gave me and my leather motorcycle jacket.

When I had said goodbye to Ben, Maggie, and Belle, especially Belle, I had cried my eyes out. Chris had never done that. Captain Arturo had adopted me, taken care of me, protected me, but I hadn't cried when I said goodbye. We laughed and hugged; a three-pat-on-the-back-guy-hug, but no tears.

And when I kissed Danny goodbye, it was like leaving a small part of me behind.

What was I afraid of? I looked at myself again, pulling my hair back and looking at the diamond studs I had gotten for Christmas. I looked at my nails and played with my necklace. I thought about Ben and Maggie. I thought about Belle, probably boarding her train right now to head back to L.A., and then I thought about Lexie.

I knew what I needed to do. I was back in the bathroom five minutes later, gluing my forms to my chest and applying my makeup. I wasn't afraid of telling my dad. I was afraid I wouldn't and that I'd end up going to Boise with him, and that I might never make it back home.

The cafe car had vending machine type food. I hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday, so I got two sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit things, a Danish, and some orange juice. When I got back to my seat, I called Danny.

We talked for a while about stuff. Yes, the train was cool. The scenery was beautiful, mostly because of all the snow. I just left Springfield. I'll be in Chicago in a few hours, and no, I didn't tell my dad. I want to surprise him. Danny was busy helping Ben move some hay and taking some of that back to his own farm as payment. I missed him and he missed me, even though we had just said goodbye yesterday.

"Danny, I want you to know I'm coming back."

"I know. Ben and I are holding your Harley hostage." He laughed. I got serious.

"No, Danny, listen. I'm. Coming. Back. When I get there, you and I need to have a serious talk. There are some things you need to know. Do you understand what I mean?"

"When you say back, you mean back, back like staying back?"

"That's exactly what I mean. My dad is moving to Boise, but that doesn't even have anything to do with why. That place, Ben, Maggie, Belle, you, the farm, it feels like my home. When I say I'm coming back, I mean I'm coming home."

"So, when will you be back?"

"I'm not sure. Could be a few days. Could be a week or so. It depends on what's going on with my dad."

"Well, let me know and I'll pick you up at the train station. We can talk about whatever you want to talk about. Right now, just take care of you and your dad. I'll be here for you."

"Danny, I... Thank you. I'll call you when I get to my dad's house."

"Like I said, I'll be here."

Those last three words filled me with a comfort I hadn't felt in a long time. It made me feel like I had when my dad dropped me off on the first day of my new school after my mom left. It was something I could count on, something I could anchor to. It gave me the strength to move forward.

I grabbed Chick fil-A at Union Station when I got off the train and picked up an Uber outside the terminal. Forty minutes later, I took a deep breath and unlocked the door.

"Dad? It's Chris. I'm home."

"Chris? You're Chris? I thought..." A lady I'd never seen before came out of the kitchen with the strangest look on her face. "Um, I'm Rachael. Hi. We didn't expect you. You didn't call. Your dad is picking up Emily."

"And I'm guessing I'm not exactly what you were expecting." It was a tough call who was more confused. She was fidgeting with the ring on her left ring finger, nervously shifting from one foot to the other while I could feel the confused look on my own face. "You, you and my dad, you got married?"

She nodded and gave me a weak smile. She was trying so hard not to scream. I could feel it.

"Um, your room is the same." She took a deep breath. "Why don't you go put your things there and I'll make you some tea. We can talk while we wait for your dad to get back. I'm guessing we both have things to share."

"That sounds good." I watched her watch me as I headed upstairs. There was a nervousness in her voice that was hard to place. Was it me showing up unannounced, or was it because I had shown up as a girl?

The house was the same, but different. It had more life. Rachael had obviously made it her own, with feminine touches everywhere. The bones stayed the same. Same furniture. Same carpet, light fixtures. All that was the same, but there were pictures on the walls. Pictures of me, and of my dad and Rachael, and a little blonde-haired girl that had to be Emily.

What had been the guest room was now decked out in a Disney Princess wonderland. I was slowly putting two and two together. Rachael was what my dad was so nervous about. Rachael and her daughter, Emily. The sign on the door said Emily. Looks like I have a new little sister, too.

Like Rachael said, my room was the same, my bed in the corner, pictures from my trip on the Estrella on the walls. I don't know how they got it this fast, but even my diploma from Texas hung on the wall above my desk. Someone, I'm guessing Rachael, had framed them and organized them and had straightened the books on my bookshelf. It looked nice. She was trying to let me know I was welcome in what was now her house. That was a good sign. Maybe she could accept Chrissy, too.

"My room looks nice. Thank you." Rachael was pouring water into two cups in the kitchen. She turned around, offering me a cup. "I'm sorry for the surprise. My dad doesn't know about me dressing like this and I figured just showing up would be better than skirting around the issue. Kind of like ripping of a Band-Aid. If I'd known about you, I..." There was no point in apologizing now. That's what we were talking about.

"We sort of thought the same thing. I asked him not to tell you we were serious. I guess I was afraid you'd object. Then I lost my lease. My parents would have freaked if we moved in together, so we eloped. I'm sorry."

"It's ok. As long as my dad is happy, I'm happy."

"Thanks. That means a lot. I try to make him happy. Sometimes, though, I think he loves Emily more than me." This made her laugh.

"So, this." She pointed at me. "Is this permanent? Do you want to be a girl?"

I could feel it. There was more to her question than just trying to understand me.

"It's still new. I know I like the way I look and the way it makes me feel. It just feels right. I don't know how else to explain it. I don't always plan things out, so I'm kind of just seeing where it goes, but yeah, for now, this is me."

"Oh." Rachael looked down at the table.

"It's Emily, isn't it? You don't want to expose her to stuff like this."

Rachael nodded.

"You're Jeff's son, or daughter, I guess, and you should be welcome in his house. Emily is only six. She shouldn't have to understand things like this. I Love your dad. I can deal with it, but..."

"Emily is only six." It was my turn to look down at the table. Her words sounded almost forced. What she had done to my room showed she was trying, but I got the feeling she wasn't being completely honest with me. Maybe it was too much for a six-year-old.

"I didn't sleep well on the train." I lied. "I'm going to go lay down for a while." I left her sitting there and went up to my room, closing the door behind me and curling up in a fetal ball on my bed. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

"Hey sport." I woke up to my dad's voice. I could feel him rubbing my back. I guess I was tired after all.

"You got married." I rolled on my back, looking up into his face.

"You got a haircut." He smiled down at me.

"And a few other things." I smiled back, but it didn't last. "I don't think Rachael wants me here."

"She's just worried, and a little scared. We'll figure this out." He brushed the hair out of my face. "Now, show me what you did, and to be honest. This is something I never saw coming."

"Give me a minute." I went into my bathroom and brushed my hair and fixed my makeup. Taking a deep breath, I went back to my bedroom to face my dad.

"Wow. Gotta admit you make a beautiful young woman. So, tell me what happened."

"I lost my bag in the snow, helping Ben with some hay. Maggie suggested I try on some of her daughter Belle's things. It just kind of went from there. I can't explain it. It just feels right. So far, I like everything about it. Are you really ok with this?"

"Chris, I honestly don't know. But it looks like it makes you happy and you are beautiful. I wasn't too sure about you calling me collect from Chile either, and that seems to have worked out."

"What do we do about Rachael and Emily? The last thing I want is to cause problems. I guess you love her."

"More than I can describe. We'll figure this out. Right now, she just needs some space. It was a big deal for her to fix your room. She really wants you to accept her. This is a bit much, and she is very protective of Emily. She took Emily to her parents for the night. You and I can talk, and I have a Christmas gift for you."

"She makes you happy?"

"Yes, she does. I haven't felt like this since you were little."

"And how does she feel about the circus?"

"She hates clowns, and Emily is afraid of them, so I think I'm good there." We both laughed.

"Then I like her."

"I'll let her know. Now grab your coat. We're on our own for dinner. I'm pretty sure there's a game on. How do burgers and beer sound?"`

I didn't have to answer, and I knew exactly where we were going. I grabbed my leather jacket and followed him to the garage, where smiled at me and tossed me some keys.

"Merry Christmas. I know how much you like her, and she's not exactly kid friendly."

He was giving me his old Jeep. It was the third or fourth in a long succession, and we had driven it across the country twice. Atlanta to San Francisco, and then here to Chicago. The way my dad took care of his cars, it would last me for a long time.

We got to the sports bar and ordered. There were three or four bowl games on, but mostly we talked. I told him everything about Chrissy, even Danny. He told me how he and Rachael had met, a little about her ex, and more about Emily than I think he knew about me. He was so gone, and I was so happy for him.

It turned out that Rachael's ex had been a fetish cross dresser into bdsm stuff and had hidden it from her. He finally told her by introducing her to his mistress/dominatrix just after Emily was born. The two of them tried to explain and invited her to join them. He was some kind of high-powered lawyer, so the whole thing caught her completely off guard. She declined, and they divorced. It made sense why she was so nervous when I showed up in makeup and with boobs.

"Is she ok with you telling me all this?"

"She asked me to, hoping that you'd understand it's not really about you. You know, he's not a bad guy. It just wasn't what Rachael signed up for."

"She wants normal, and then I show up like this. I'm sorry dad. I should have told you."

"Don't worry about it. I should have told you about Rachael a long time ago. Just no more surprises, ok?"

"No promises. I am my mother's daughter, after all."

My first instinct was to call Danny, but how would I explain what was going on? He didn't know the full truth, and how would he react? It was late. Ben and Maggie would be asleep. Lexie too, well, maybe not, but her boyfriend might not appreciate me interrupting what they were probably doing if they weren't asleep. Belle just didn't feel like the right choice. She was probably trying to figure out things with Caitlyn, anyway, and that could lead to a similar problem to the one with calling Lexie. I hoped so, anyway. Part of me just wanted to go home.

Home. That word again. That was part of it. I knew I'd always be welcome in my dad's house, but we had some things to figure out before the four of us became a family. I needed to figure out who, or what, I wanted to be when I grew up, and Rachael just needed some space to come to grips with it and Boise is a long way from East Texas. It would make a great road trip when the time was right, though. I ran through all of it in my head. There were people that believed in me, and those I hoped would, but right now, I felt so alone.

I finally slept. It was fitful, but it was sleep. I thought about Ben and Maggie and the horses and the farm. I thought about my dad almost two thousand miles away with his new family, a family that I wasn't part of yet. I thought about Danny and how I felt about him, how he made me feel, and I thought about what would happen if he rejected me.

I dreamed I was at the bonfire with Danny and Belle. Rick outed me from the bed of the truck he was standing on. Everyone turned and pointed at me, screaming horrible things. I ran, but everywhere I went, someone pushed me back into the circle of angry faces, throwing me to the ground, spitting on me. Liar! Freak! Degenerate! Pervert! Their voices filled my ears. I just wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere else.

The bonfire wasn't a bonfire anymore; it was a pyre, and they tied me to it. I screamed for my dad, but he wasn't there. Ben was suddenly there, but he was too far away. Belle was trying to get to me, tears streaming down her face, but the crowd wouldn't let her through. The flames grew higher. Danny was in the crowd looking at me with those big brown eyes, so sad, so broken.