The Hundred Year Storm

"NO!" I screamed as I shot upright in my bed.

"Chris, Chris, it's just a dream. I'm here. You're safe." My dad was rubbing my back like he always did. I had cried out in my sleep, and he had heard me.

"Daddy, it was horrible. They burned me, and you weren't there, and Ben and Belle couldn't get to me. Danny just watched. It was horrible." I buried myself in my dad's arms and cried until there were no more tears left.

"It was just a dream, baby. Just a dream. I'm here. I've got you."

"I don't want to lose everybody, but I don't think I can let this go. What do I do?"

"Let me tell you something about dads." He wiped my tears from my eyes with his thumbs and kissed my cheeks where they had been. "I will always love you. I may not agree with your choices, or some things you do, but I will always love you. It's part of the job description when you sign up. Got it?"

I smiled and let out a little laugh. "That's almost exactly when Ben told me."

"Some people won't like what you do, and most won't care as long as you leave them alone. Some will try to change your mind and you just might convince one or two that you were right all along. You do you. Whether that's Chris or Chrissy, I'll be here. Now try to go back to sleep. Think about something that makes you happy and remember what I said."

"What about Rachael? I don't want to get between you and her."

"You let me worry about Rachael. She's a good woman. She's just dealing with her own fears. Now go to sleep."

"Dad, thanks." I smiled at him as he got up to leave.

"Oh, so now everything is all roses and sunshine and I'm just dad again. Figures." He smiled and winked.

"Good night, daddy."

"Good night, Chrissy."

I thought about what made me happy: being here in my room, my bike, the farm... I was back at the bonfire again, gazing into those same big brown eyes. This time, they weren't sad or broken. This time they were...

Somebody was poking me in my nose. I opened my eyes to two blazing azure crystals sitting just above the biggest smile I had ever seen.

"Are you going to be my big sister?"

"Yes, I believe I am. You must be Emily." She nodded and her smile got bigger. "You know what big sisters do, right?" she shook her head, no. "Tickle fight!" I grabbed her and pulled her onto the bed on top of me, letting her tickle me as much as I tickled her, laughing and squealing right along with her until we both gave out.

"Mommy said breakfast is ready." She was still giggling when she clambered out of my bed and ran downstairs.

"Well, you tell mommy, I'll be right there." I was giggling, too, as I went into the bathroom to get ready.

"You're pretty good at that." I turned to see my dad I the doorway.

"As long as it's simple. Anything more elaborate, and I'd have to ask Rachael for help." I smiled at him. "I'm guessing you two talked."

"I was talking about the big sister thing. Emily loves you already. As for Rachael, I told her about last night, your night terror, what you said when I woke you up. She said it's all or nothing. If you're going to be a girl, you're a girl. No back and forth, and Emily doesn't know anything until she's older."

"Dad, are you sure this is OK with Rachael? I don't want her to feel like this is something she has to accept if she's not comfortable with it."

"We talked for a long time last night after you went back to sleep. It took some convincing, but you're as much a part of this family as she and Emily are, and we need to respect you and what you're going through as much as we all need to protect Emily. You shouldn't have to be afraid of losing your family. Not for this. Not for anything. So, yeah. We're all going to figure this out together."

Of course, I had to sit next to Emily. She wanted to know all about riding on a train and was sad that they didn't serve hot chocolate like The Polar Express. Rachael and I kept looking at each other across the table, sharing weak smiles, while my dad just grinned and shoved another bite of pancakes into his mouth.

"Come see my room." Emily wiped her face and jumped up from the table.

"I'll be there in a minute. I should probably help your mom with the dishes."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot." She grabbed her plate and carried it into the kitchen before scampering out of the room.

I grabbed my dad's plate and the other random dishes from the table and took them to the sink to rinse them off, handing them to Rachael to put in the dishwasher.

"Thank you." I finally broke the silence. "My dad explained. I know it was a tough call for you."

"I'll be honest. I'm not entirely on board. But Jeff's right, we're all family now, and that means we accept each other as is. I'm willing to try. Just give me time, ok?"

"I can do that, if you'll give me some time to figure things out, too."

"Deal. He tells me this is new, but that you seem sure it's what you want to do."

"About 80 percent most of the time." I smiled. "Last night was hard. I thought my dad was going to have to choose, and I didn't think he'd pick me. I had a nightmare. A bad one."

"He told me about your dream. I'm sorry if I caused that."

"I think it was just everything all building up. All the doubt. All the questions. My dad deserves to be this happy, and I don't want to ruin it. And yeah, this just feels right. I like how I look, and I love how it feels to be pretty. I even think I have a boyfriend." I blushed a little. "But I haven't told him about Chris yet."

"Trust me. The sooner you tell him, the better. I might have stayed with Jim if he'd been honest with me up front. I'm glad now that I didn't." She put her hand on mine. "Your dad is my best friend and a wonderful father to Emily."

We were both relaxing. I could feel a small amount of trust growing between us.

"I hope you guys like to move." I laughed.

"We talked about that. Your dad is very good at what he does, so we looked around at different companies that he could work for, where they were located, and the environment we wanted to raise Emily in. Boise won. It's where we want to raise Emily. We're going to be there until she finishes school. We made sure there would be room for you, too."

I started to tear up. Rachael took both my hands in hers. "Jeff wants you there. Emily absolutely wants you there, and so do I. I can't promise it will be easy, but we'll figure the rest out as we go along."

"You're sure?"

Rachael nodded and squeezed my hands.

"OK." I bit my lip and tried not to cry. "I better go see what Emily wants to show me."

I turned to leave her there in the kitchen, stopping at the bottom of the stairs. "Rachael, can I ask you something?" She totally disagreed with what I was going through, but she would try, for my dad, for me and Emily, for all of us, for our family.

"Anything."

"I haven't had a mom in a long time. Would it be ok if I called you that?"

"I'd like that. I think your dad would, too."

"Thanks, mom." It felt a little awkward, but I knew I'd get used to it, just like all the other changes I was going through.

It was difficult to describe how I felt. I was sad, but content, maybe melancholy. I felt safe, yet apprehensive, confused, but reconciled.

Emily changed all that as she gave me a crash course on how to play with dolls. Evidently, there are very strict rules. We decided that since I was a tomboy, I shouldn't be Ariel, but the girl from Brave with all the red hair. Neither of us could remember her name, but that wasn't important because Cinderella and Pocahontas were arguing over who got to sit next to Belle at the tea party, and we couldn't have any arguing. They both got time out, and the party continued without interruption.

Emily's imagination was amazing. We decided Cinderella and Pocahontas could come out of time out and then all watched Sleeping Beauty. Emily and I were in the middle with all her Princess dolls carefully arranged around us.

After lunch, we watched it again because Aurora was Emily's favorite, and there was that whole Prince Charming thing which only reminded me of Danny.

My dad commandeered the TV for some bowl game and rescued me from Disney Princess world, at least for a while. Emily seemed happy with it and curled up next to my dad. Mom, that was going to sound weird for a while, came in carrying some snacks. I got up and went to help her. I guess it was family football time. It turned out that one team was Rachael's alma mater.

I had had dreams about this so many times, me, my mom and dad, all sitting down and watching something together. It always seemed to be the quintessential family thing to do, and now I was experiencing it. Usually when my dad and I watched a game, it was at Hooters, or Twin Peaks, or one of those kinds of sports bars. I liked this better.

Dinner was pizza delivery because there was another game after this one, and the last game of the night was my Longhorns beating up on USC, again.

I climbed into bed, realizing I owed some people updates. Danny was first. I explained everything that had happened, leaving out exactly why Rachael seemed uncomfortable with me being here. Of course, he reassured me that everything would be fine. I got quiet, thinking about how he was going to react to what I had to tell him, questioning if that was going to be fine.

Changing the subject, I had to brag on my Longhorns and give him grief on his aggies losing season, asking him twice what bowl game they were playing in.

"So, when are you coming home?" I smiled to myself at the realization the word had seemed to develop a second meaning.

"I'm not sure. My dad and I moved here just before I left for college, so I don't really have any friends I need to visit."

"Well, there's a dance at the VFW Saturday night. New Year's Eve."

"I'll talk to my mom and dad and let you know in the morning."

"Mom, huh? Sounds like things are better than you said."

"We're trying it out. Mom and dad are kind of like salt and pepper. They just go together."

"OK, you tell yourself that. I miss you. Call me tomorrow and let me know."

"I miss you, too." I smiled at the warmth that grew inside me when I said it out loud. I did miss him.

If I was going home tomorrow, Maggie, Ben, and Belle could wait. I got up and went to my parents' room, hoping that I wasn't interrupting anything.

"She asked if she could call me mom. She's trying as hard as I am. So, yes, I think we can make it work, and you saw how she got along with Emily." I could hear Rachael talking through the door. I waited for a few seconds before I knocked and opened the door.

No makeup, no boobs, just me in a cotton sleep shirt. "I called Danny. He wants to take me to a dance Saturday for New Year's."

It was Rachael, mom who patted the mattress urging me to come sit down.

What if? What if? What if? I laid out all my fears and they both just listened.

It was mom who spoke first.

"Can you change the way Danny is going to react?" I shook my head.

"Has anything you're worrying about actually happened yet?"

"No."

"What would you have done if things had gone bad on that freighter?" I was dad's turn.

I looked at my dad, and then at mom. That word was feeling better and better. They were right. I was worrying about things that might never happen. I knew that Ben and Maggie would be there for me, and that my dad and now my mom would be there to help pick up the pieces if things went badly.

The problem was, this one seemed to be more important than the others. At the end of the summer, I would never see Captain Arturo and his crew again. I wanted to keep seeing Danny. In a very real way, his accepting me had to happen.

"It's not just that. Nobody I've ever met makes me feel the way he does. I think I'm falling in love with him. If he rejects me, if he pushes me away, I don't think I could handle that."

"Baby, I love your mom. I always will, but she chose a different path. You and I did just fine. It was hard sometimes, but we managed. If she showed up tomorrow, I'd hug her and want to make sure she was ok. Are we better or worse because she chose the path she did? No way to know, but I think I ended up where I'm supposed to be." He reached over and took Rachael's hand.

"I love Jim, too. But it wasn't meant to be. Don't be afraid of your feelings. Even if you weren't transgender, there's a chance it wouldn't work out. It would hurt and you would cry, but you'd get over it. Besides, maybe as a result, you'd find someone like your dad."

"Rachael, what changed? When I got here, I swear you didn't want me here, and now, well..."

I think me calling her Rachael again got her attention. She stopped and just looked at me for a few seconds.

"First, you talked to me, then you asked if you could call me mom. This morning, I watched you and Emily playing together. Your dad was right. I was projecting my fear onto you, and that wasn't fair. And now, you came to us with this, not just your dad, but us. I'm just trying to be as open and accepting as you are."

"You make my dad happy. Everything else is extra." I smiled at her.

"And you make your dad and Emily happy. I guess I figure I can deal with anything else." She opened her arms, and I crawled into her hug. "Whatever happens, I promise, it will be ok. I promise."

After breakfast, my dad helped me hook my bike trailer to the Jeep. Emily gave me her Aurora doll to take with me, reminding me to put her in time out if she got fussy. Mom hugged me hard. It had been a crazy two days, and Easter was a long way off, but being there to watch Emily hunt eggs was a promise I wasn't going to break.

I made it to Texarkana before I had to stop. I found a cheap motel and tried to get some rest. The next morning, Ben found me in the barn cleaning out Cowboy's stall.

"Welcome home. I was wondering whose Jeep that was. Is everything alright with your dad?" I leaned my shovel against the wall and gave him a big hug.

"He got married. Wanted to surprise me. He was as worried about my accepting his new wife as I was about him accepting me. It was a crazy two days, but it's going to be fine. And..." I paused and took a huge breath, "I have a date with Danny tonight and I get to tell him all about Chris, so we'll see how that goes. The new year is going to be full of new and interesting developments." I smiled and laughed. What else could I do?

"Well, you finish up here and I'll let Maggie know there will be three for breakfast." Of all things, he tousled my hair like I was a toddler and left me there to finish my chores.

Maggie was even more excited to see me, and breakfast involved a detailed description of everything that had happened. I even had to go out to my Jeep and get Emily's Aurora doll to show her. We found a spot for it in my room on the shelf over my bed.

I help with the dishes and then asked ben if I could take Lady for a ride. All I had done on the drive down from Chicago was think about telling Danny the truth and I was no closer to feeling any better. Maybe a ride to the hilltop would help.

It was still cold, but the sun was out and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. There were drifts of snow clinging to areas of shade, but more normal Texas weather had returned, and the snow was losing quickly to the slightly warmer temperatures. Steady streams of clear water streamed from icicles along the roof of the barn, while others gave up and plummeted to the ground, shattering where they landed. Ben helped me saddle Lady, and I was off.

Even without the snow, the farm was beautiful. I saw another rabbit, or maybe it was the same one, and this time, three deer nibbling on the grass that was climbing from under the white blanket that had covered it the first time I'd made this trip.

The view from the top of the hill was just as spectacular as it had been the first time. The forests and fields stretched as far off as I could see. I just soaked it all in, letting the beauty fill my spirit and my soul. Whatever else happened, whether Danny accepted me, whether mom changed her mind, whatever it was, I knew one thing. I was home. Whatever it took, I was building a life in this small town in east Texas.

I'd be in Boise for Easter and probably make a trip up in the summer. Of course, the holidays, but this was my home. This is where I wanted to be.

"Hello?" I was still half in a daze when I answered my phone, Lady shifting gently under me as she nibbled at the grass.

"Are you OK? You weren't on the train. I thought you were going to call me and let me know you were on your way." Danny was freaking out. With everything I had told him, I had forgotten to mention the Jeep, that I would be driving.

"Danny, I'm so sorry. There's just been so much going on, I forgot to tell you. My dad gave me his old Jeep for Christmas. I drove home. I got here early this morning."

"But you're alright? You're, ok?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I took Lady out for a ride. I just needed to think. I'm really sorry. Wait, you're at the train station? You're in Dallas? You went to pick me up? Danny, I am so sorry." It was all I could do to not laugh.

"It's kind of what a guy does for his girlfriend, isn't it?"

"It would be if she was smart enough to actually communicate with him. Danny, please don't be mad at me. Everything that has happened. My dad, my mom, Emily, you. I just had a lot on my mind. I didn't think you'd drive to Dallas. I'm really, really, sorry."

"Chrissy, please stop apologizing. I wanted to surprise you. I have flowers and a box of candy."

"Valentines Day is in February Romeo." I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing so hard Lady shifted and I almost fell off. "Let me make it up to you. Come get me and I'll buy you lunch. We can go back to the good Pizza Hut. Besides, we really do need to talk."

I was so gone. If he rejected me... No. I wasn't going there. I'd just have to accept it either way. I took my time on the ride back and made sure I thoroughly brushed Lady down before going inside to clean up.

Danny was in the living room talking to Ben when I finally came downstairs after my shower. The flowers were beautiful. I'd never forget them, as they were the first ones I'd ever received. The candy, well, Danny ate half of it on the way back from Dallas. I guess I deserved that.

We made it all the way through lunch before Danny finally broke. "So, what is this thing we need to talk about? I like you. In fact, I more than like you, and I think you like me. We get along great. You said you were coming back like you wanted to stay for a while, so..."

I had thought about the fallout of this moment so much, spent so many hours fretting, worrying, letting my imagination run wild with all kinds of possibilities, but I'd never stopped to think about how to actually tell him my secret. I took a deep breath and just looked at him, memorizing his face, those big brown eyes, that kind of half-crooked smile, "Danny I..." Words left me. I could make the sounds.

"Chrissy, whatever it is, it's ok."

Tears welling behind my eyes, I chewed on my lips. Digging into my purse, I pulled out my driver's license and slid it across the table. There. I had done it. Plain for him to see. Christopher Allen Quinn, Male.

Without a word, he picked it up, looked at me, furrowed his brow, slid my license back to me, and got up from the table.

"Danny, please." I couldn't stop the tears.

"Just come with me. I need to show you something." He offered me his hand.

We drove out to his farm, past the house and the barn, to a small rise with an enormous oak tree. Under the tree was a small cemetery with half a dozen headstones. Danny led me to one off to the side. Not really by itself, but more as if it were a position of reverence.

The headstone read Michelle Mesner. June 16, 1986--April 7, 2007.

His dad's name was Evan, Ben's best friend. How could I not have seen it?