The Loss of my Virginity

"Where are you going?" Maddie asked. "Don't you want to sleep?" she asked. "It's 2:30 in the morning."

"I have a study group meeting for physics at 8:00 am." I lied. It was one of the only classes I didn't have with her, so I thought it was plausible.

"Oh. Well, I hope you had fun." she said. "You're not a virgin anymore. You won't see your 20th birthday as an inexperienced old maid." she said, slurring her words. Maybe she wouldn't remember what happened, I hoped.

When I got back to my dorm room, I cried. What had I done?

I looked up the nearest pharmacy, saw it opened at 8:00, and didn't sleep at all waiting for it to open. As soon as it did, I got a plan B birth control pill, took it, and went back to my room.

I felt dirty every time I thought about what I had done for the next few days. I realized I had wanted to have sex moment, but I deeply regretted it. I had broken my virginity in a threesome. Even people who break their virginity in a one night stand make more sense than what I had done. I did like Michael. I liked him a lot, but he was with somebody else. I wished I had waited until I was in a relationship.. I felt almost less than a person to have it done that way. Threesomes are for old married couples trying to inject some excitement in their lives. Not for the first time. I almost did wish I had a one night stand with a stranger. It would have been more romantic than what I had done.

A few days later, after avoiding Maddy as best I could, she came to my dorm room door and knocked. I knew I couldn't dodge her forever, so I let her in my cramped, messy room.

"Hey." she said. I smiled, but had never felt so awkward in my life. "You didn't answer my texts."

It was true. I had blocked her and unfollowed her on social media. I had also arrived to class late and left early in an effort to avoid her.

She let out her breath. "I don't know what happened. I guess I got carried away. It was a mistake, and I'm sorry." she said.

"It's ok." I told her, even though it really wasn't. "I wanted to break my virginity, right?" I said. At that point, I more or less just wanted her to go away and was willing to say whatever to make that happen. I was done with the whole situation.

"No, it shouldn't have been like that. It shouldn't have happened." There was a long silence. 'Did you get the morning after pill?' she asked, concerned. I knew that genuine caring would help parley her into a great doctor someday. That and the fact that stress seemed to fuel her and make her better.

"I did, but I don't think I'll relax until I get my period."

"If you haven't ovulated, there is a near 100 percent chance you won't get pregnant." she said, as if I hadn't read the instructions on the package.

I nodded. " I'm sure it will be fine."

"I still want us to be friends." she said. I shrugged. "You know Michael and I broke up." she said. I didn't really know how to respond. "He's a nice guy, but I can't understand him. For the life of me, I don't know why somebody would want to sit in a practice room all day just to make pretty sounds." she said. "I want somebody who makes a real difference in the world." she said and sigh. "Plus" she paused. "I think he was more into you than me. Seeing him with you...even after he first met you back in September, I don't know, it really made me realize that we're not right for each other." she said. "I guess I thought a threesome would get you out of his system. It was stupid."

I shrugged it off, more just wanting her to leave, and changed the subject to anatomy class. We talked for a while about nothing truly important, and then when she felt things were sufficiently smoothed over, she left.

Over the next few weeks, I started following her again on social media, and resumed saying hello when we inevitably crossed paths. Still, there was a shift, and I was pretty much done with her and no longer considered her a close friend.

About a month later, when the snow was starting to melt, and the weather was turning to springtime, I was walking slowly from one of my classes back to my dorm room, but paused to look at a flier for a concert. It was Michael. Michael Zeichner, the boy who had broken my virginity. It looked as though he would be playing a program of Debussy, Tchaikovsky, and Chopin that night. I peeled the flier off the outdoor bulletin board, and put it in my purse, feeling a longing feeling.

I had to go, and going to a performance would be safe enough. For one thing, I truly did enjoy his playing. It spoke to me,and I wanted to see him again. If I couldn't face him, I could leave. He wouldn't even have to know I was there.

As I entered the hall for the performance, there weren't a lot of people there. Maybe about 30 or 40. I just sat in the back and watched.

When he came out on stage, I sort of laughed at his floppy hair that seemed to say he was too into his music to care what he looked like, and thought he looked very handsome in a tux.

I noticed an older couple in the middle of the auditorium, and thought I might recognize them from the photos flipping through Michael's desk. I guessed they were his parents.

Michael bowed at the applause, sat down at the piano, and I was transported by his music. It moved me beyond words. In fact, it seemed to me that he was on another level emotionally. In order to play like that, someone would have to understand sadness, anger, love and even sexuality.

When it was over, I was in tears. I wanted to say something to him, and tell him how much I enjoyed his playing, but I was too shy, so I slipped out the back.

I didn't think he would notice me at all, but then the next day, I got an email on my campus account from him.

"Thanks for coming to my recital." was in the subject line. I then opened it up, and read a beautiful note that said:

Dear Ellen,

I've been thinking a lot about you these last few months and hope you are doing well. Would you like to go out to dinner and talk? Again thanks for coming to hear me play. I hope you enjoyed the concert, and I want to see you if you'd be willing.

Michael.

I cried a little. Maybe there was going to be romance in my future after all.

I wrote back that I would love to spend some time with him. After all, I hadn't stopped thinking of him since well before we slept together.

When I met him to catch an uber to an upscale restaurant off campus, I was giddy with excitement. I couldn't wait to see him again. I realized I was in love with the man who broke my virginity, and I was glad to have done it with him, even if it had been a little unorthodox..

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