The Nerdy Nudist

"Only woke up an hour ago, but I felt fine," he said. "Guess I slept it all off for once."

"Good for you," she said. "Listen..." she'd been holding the invitation behind her back, and now she presented it to Mark. "From Rosa. You guys made a wonderful impression on her last night."

"The feeling is mutual!" Mark said, taking the envelope without any sort of thank-you. "I mean, she's beautiful underneath it all. Who knew?" He opened the envelope and read the note "'Dear Beefcake...' Well, that's thoughtful of her. Wait a minute...she's asking me to Spring Forward?"

"She really loved the way you guys admired her," Sarah said. "But look, Mark, she's my best friend, and if you hurt her..."

"What're you gonna do, Sarah, sic the football team on me? I can just guess how you'd get them to do that."

"You jerk!" But privately Sarah was delighted with Mark's response -- just the kind of attitude she wanted to sic on Rosa just then.

"Oh, you know I'm only kidding," Mark said, though Sarah didn't know that at all. "But Rosa's a big girl -- a woman, really, in every sense of the word, as we all saw last night -- and she doesn't need your help, all right?"

"She needed my help getting the invitation to you."

"And for that, I'm sure I speak for us both when I say thank you," Mark said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go find Rosa! Where's she live?"

"Lawton Hall, third floor," Sarah said. "Congratulations." She couldn't hide her smirk as Mark thanked her and turned back inside to get his shoes on.

He rushed off to Lawton Hall with wings on his feet, and had no trouble finding the door with the artsy, feminine decorations all over the place. But she wasn't there. Mark stopped to think where else he might find her. The dining halls? Lunch was over. The library? Quite possible, but too big to be the first place to look. The student union? He'd seen her there a time or two with her nerdy friends, and here it was Saturday afternoon -- the perfect time for some silly group meeting.

As he stepped into the crowded grill, he saw her perched in a booth in the corner and talking to the guy with the big beard whom Mark recognized from the Corner Table. She looked happy, anyway. Very happy. Anticipation, he mused, hoping he would say yes. How much happier she was about to be! But it wouldn't do to accept her invitation with her friend right there, so he took a detour to the counter and asked for "A grilled bagel and an orange juice, please."

"You want a grilled bagel with American cheese, is that what you said?" The woman behind the counter asked.

He had his order straightened out and delivered in plenty of time for the guy with the beard to finally get lost. As soon as he was safely away, Mark drank down the last of his juice and stood up, and was grinning ear to ear as he approached Rosa. "Hi there!" he said.

"Oh, hi!" Rosa said, setting her Spanish textbook down, more than happy to make the acquaintance of her date's friends. "Mark, right?"

"Right, and thank you for the letter!" he said, squeezing in beside Rosa on her side of the booth.

The letter?

But Rosa had no time to ask what he meant, as he put his arm around her and looked dangerously like he intended to kiss her. He didn't, but he said, "And yes, I'd love to take you to the dance!"

"You would?"

"I would!" Now he did kiss her sloppily on the cheek. "My two buddies, the ones you saw me with last night, we're having a party on their floor before the dance. I'll come by your room about eight, and we'll make our entrance together, what do you say?"

"I..." Rosa was bewildered, and the words wouldn't come at all.

"Wonderful." Mark got up. "Well, I'm off to the gym. I want to still be your beefcake next week, don't I? See you soon, Rosa!" With his well-honed flirtation technique, rarely failed since junior high, he blew her a kiss and was off without another look, letting her admire his butt to her heart's content.

Rosa did look at his retreating backside, but it wasn't in any sort of appreciation. What on earth had just happened? Had Sarah forgotten which of her friends the invitation was for?! Rosa got her phone out of her purse and texted her friend. You gave it to Mark? Why? Didn't you hear me say Alan?

Sarah didn't hear her phone buzz when the message came through. Her mission accomplished, she'd gone off to the phys ed building for a swim. When she got out of the pool an hour later and retrieved her purse from the locker room, there were three text messages waiting, each one more upset-sounding than the last. Sarah read them, but didn't answer them. She hadn't yet decided on a response yet, though she knew there would have to be one.

Was it really so bad for Rosa? Sarah mused about that as she got dressed and headed back to Camden Hall. She could think of worse fates than having two cute guys to choose from, especially if she were a nerd like Rosa who'd probably never had even one guy as cute as Alan after her, never mind two. Sure, someone would be hurt, but Mark and Alan had surely never cared about that with the girls they'd messed with before. Besides, if Rosa was going to put herself out there the way she had last night, it was best she learned to fight off a guy or two.

Besides, if Mark had accepted the invitation -- as Sarah figured he must have -- that would leave Alan back on the market!

With that possibility on her mind, Sarah decided to visit James and see if he wanted to do another French practice session. If Alan happened to be home, too, well then! Back in her room, she put in two hours on her other courses, and ignored the two calls on her mobile from Rosa, and toyed with changing into something sexy. That seemed a bit too much, and she left her sweatshirt and jeans on for the walk over to James' dorm.

She arrived on his floor to find him and Alan laughing at the bulletin board. "Sarah!" Alan said, looking so happy to see her it was almost embarrassing. "Tom and Tim did it again!" He pointed at a sign on the board, and Sarah read it.

Whoever is putting milk in the KY jelly, STOP IT. It is not funny and YOU have ruined someone's evenings!

"Should've known," Sarah said.

"What do you mean?" James asked.

"Nothing," Sarah said. "Listen, I came by to see, do you want to do another run-through for French?"

"Wouldn't hurt," James said. "Then Alan and I are going to that Chinese place in town for dinner. Want to come?"

"Sure!" Sarah said. "What's the occasion?"

"Surprised you haven't heard already," Alan said. "Got a date for Spring Forward, and it's someone I think I probably had a lot of competition for."

"Why would I have heard about that?" Sarah asked.

"It's your friend, Sarah! Rosa. The nudist." Alan opened his room door. "Five-thirty for dinner?" he asked James. "That ought to be enough time for me to finish my bio lab report."

"See you then," Alan agreed. "Shall we?" he asked Sarah.

"Yeah." Sarah remembered to smile through her confusion and disappointment, and followed James to his room. But as soon as they were inside with the door shut, she asked, "How'd he end up with Rosa?"

"He asked her," James said. "Wish I'd learned how to put it out there like that."

"He asked her," Sarah repeated. "Today?"

"Yeah, he happened to run into her at the student union. Right after lunch. And I know what you're thinking, Sarah, last night they ogled her like a piece of meat. I agree, but she said yes."

"I'll bet she did," Sarah grumbled.

"What do you mean?"

Sarah shook her head and the word "nothing" formed on her lips. But Alan and Mark's best friend was bound to find out anyway. Might as well get ahead of the rumor. "I tried to set her up with Mark," she said. "I hope there are no hard feelings."

"Oh, man!" James chuckled. "I have a feeling there will be!"

"How's Mark taken it?" Sarah asked.

"Haven't seen him all day," James said. "But I guarantee we'll be hearing all about it." Then he remembered. "Oh, wait a minute, Sarah -- I forgot! I'm sorry!"

"Yeah, well, if Alan doesn't want me, I sure don't want him." Sarah smiled ruefully and plopped down on James' bed. "And hey, there's still a week to find a date."

"Well, you know," James said with that shy smile Sarah knew so well. "I've really enjoyed working with you..."

"Then let's get to work," Sarah said with as much finality in her voice as she could muster. If she couldn't have Alan, she certainly didn't want his friends, and she had no desire to be a beard for a man who probably wasn't even out to himself.

James took the hint and picked up his French book without another word.

They were about ten minutes into their practice when Sarah's phone rang. "Rosa," she said, looking at the screen. "I guess I can't put this off forever." She slid her finger across the screen. "Hello?"

"Sarah, how could you?!"

"Calm down, Rosa, you said no to Mark, didn't you?"

"How could I, when he thought I'd asked him?!"

Sarah couldn't help smirking. Naturally her dear friend didn't have it in her to say no to a guy who was saying yes, just as she had hoped. "Rosa, he's a guy! He's used to women saying no, they all are!"

James turned away and looked out the window, not wanting Sarah to see the look on his face in response to that.

Not that Sarah was paying him any attention. She was pretending to be concerned for Rosa, who was almost crying from the sound of it. "He didn't even give me time to say no, and how could I when he thought I'd written that nice note for him? I couldn't just say, oh, that was for your friend! How would you like it if someone did that to you?"

"Guys have done worse," Sarah said. "Besides, I heard Alan really did ask you anyway?"

"He did, and then after that Mark turned up! Now they both think I'm going with them!"

"Then you get your pick, Rosa! It's a woman's prerogative, everyone knows that! Welcome to the good side of being the fairer sex."

"Oh, would you stop it already?! I know this was no accident, Sarah! Why? You know you heard me say Alan, not Mark!"

"Don't you remember psych 101, Rosa?" Sarah chirped. "People think they remember things all the time that they never really heard."

"They're your friends! You wouldn't get the name wrong, especially just a few minutes later! Please, Sarah, at least be honest with me about this! Why?!"

"Oh, if you insist," Sarah said. "It's a few days early, but happy April Fool's Day."

"You bitch!" Rosa hung up.

"Wow," Sarah said, putting her phone back in her purse. "Some people just can't take a joke."

"It was an awfully mean joke," James said.

"Mean, nothing. Rosa's got her pick of guys now. She ought to be thanking me!"

"Sexist much?"

"Sexism implies power over -"

"Oh, grow up!" James snapped. "Let's just finish our homework, all right?"

"Sure," Sarah said. "But I still say it's not sexist."

"I remember Psych 101 too," James said. "You can rationalize anything, but that doesn't make it right."

James had calmed down by the time Alan knocked on his door at half past five. Nevertheless, he welcomed the knowledge that Sarah was still pining for his friend as they got their coats on to head into town. "No offense, guys, but I've been thinking I might take Rosa for dinner in town the night of the dance," he said. "We'll still come for the party, of course, but I won't be around to help set up or anything."

"No problem, we can do that," James said. "Right, Sarah?"

"Am I even invited to the party?" Sarah asked as she stepped out into the hallway, where she saw Tim and Tom had returned from their rare absence and were playing cards.

"Everybody's invited to our party," Tom said, looking up at her. "By the way, did you see our sign?"

"Yeah," Sarah said. "Brilliant."

"You don't sound like you mean it," Tim said. "I thought our interpretation was outstanding, if I do say so myself."

"Yeah, yeah," Sarah said. "It's hilarious. I've just got a lot on my mind."

"Like Chinese food!" Alan said, whacking Sarah on the behind as he opened the stairway door. "Let's go, troops!"

"Chinese does sound pretty good," Tim said as soon as they were gone.

"They don't deliver and I don't feel like going into town," Tom said. Then he laughed. "You know who does deliver?"

"Pizza, of course, but I'm not sure if I've got any cash," Tim said.

"No problem," Tom said. "I've got an idea."

"An idea for free pizza?"

"Yeah!" Tom laughed so hard it took him a moment to say anything. "Look, Alan and James are gone, they won't be back for a while..."

"Dude, I'm not stealing from anyone!" Tim said. "Especially not our floormates. They're good guys, even if they are a little square."

"No, dude, I'm not talkin' about breaking into their rooms!" Tom got up and tried opening James' door. "Yep, it's locked. So here's what we do. We order a pizza and have it delivered to James. When the delivery boy gets here, we hide out in my room while he knocks on the door."

"And then what?" Tim was skeptical.

"And then he knocks on the door, but James doesn't answer 'cause he's in town. No matter how many times the kid knocks, there'll be no answer. Sooner or later the kid'll get so frustrated he'll just chuck the pizza down on the floor and run!" He waved his arms around. "AIEEEIAYEEEE! Then we go out and get the pizza once the coast is clear!"

Tom and Tim were still rolling around on the floor in fits of laughter when Liz and Cindy, freshmen from the other end of the floor, came in from the stairs. "Guys," Cindy said. "Next time you smoke up, can I join you? This stuff must be the best!"

Rosa had hoped her soulmates would have some ideas for a way out of her conundrum. But as soon as she'd broken the news at the Corner Table, she was already kicking herself for thinking they would know anything about being that popular.

Indeed, they were worse than useless. "I don't see the problem, Rosa," Paul chirped. "I mean two of the beautiful people out there want to take you to the dance? Poor you!"

"Yeah, that's still only two of the three holes to fill!" added Nick.

"Not cool, honey," Paul admonished. "What part of Claxton political correctness didn't you learn?"

"I thought it was pretty funny," Patricia said. "You know, Rosa, I don't have a date. You could offer to have one of them take me instead."

"But which one? And I doubt either of them would be happy with that," Rosa said. "No offense, but they asked me because they want to go with me, not my friends."

"She was joking, Rosa," Keith admonished.

"No, I wasn't," Patricia said.

"You never go to Spring Forward anyway!" Moose reminded her.

"This time I have decided to go," Patricia said. "I even bought a dress. Secondhand, but it's beautiful. I'd like to be seen with someone in it.

That at least brought an idea to Rosa's mind. "You know, Alan and Mark have a friend who might be interested. In fact..." She smiled with relief. "I know. We could all go as a group, the five of us, and Mark and Alan can both think they're my date and the other's just along for the ride!"

"Are you out of your mind, Rosa?" Moose asked. "Alan and Mark are best friends. You really think they're not going to tell each other who their date is?"

"Men never communicate," Paul sniffed.

"Hadn't even thought of that!" Rosa said, ignoring Paul along with the rest of the table. "When they do find out, probably neither one will want anything to do with me..."

"Baloney," Keith said. "Couple of alpha-males like that, they're both going to want to be the one who won. If either one backs down, the other'll be all over you, Rosa."

In spite of herself, Rosa liked that idea quite a lot. She hastily crossed her legs to cope with the pleasant tickle she felt between them. Maybe she could cope with her problem for a while yet, at the very least until the next time she was alone in her room.

Unbeknownst to her friend, Sarah was busy trying to make sure Alan and Mark didn't learn anything. "Alan, I've got to say," she admonished him over her lemon chicken at the Chinese restaurant, "I don't think Mark would understand about you dating someone from the Corner Table. I don't think you should tell him."

"Oh, he'd understand!" Alan replied. "Come on, Sarah, you heard him last night, just as smitten as I was."

"Yeah, but you weren't talking about dating her, just...you know, drooling over her you-know-what," Sarah reminded him.

"Even a couple of dreamboats like us have to date a girl before we can..." He dropped his voice to a whisper "fuck 'em." Then he grinned. "No, believe me, Mark'll be eating his heart out. Especially when he thinks of what I'll be eating out after the dance!"

James laughed so hard he nearly choked on his beef and broccoli. Sarah slapped him in the head but that didn't stop him from shaking with laughter. "You neanderthal," she said to Alan, doing her best to forget how she'd imagined him doing just that to her next week. "But look at it this way, do you really want to hurt your friend that way?"

"He'd sure as heck rub my nose in it if the shoe were on the other foot!" Alan said.

"That's right, he would," said James, who of course knew what Sarah was up to. "Don't worry, Sarah, these two will be best buds again as soon as Alan moves on to the next gal."

"I don't know about that," Alan said, paying no mind to the dirty look Sarah was giving James. "Man, if Mark really was feeling just what I was when we saw Rosa...if I were in his shoes, I'd never forgive him."

"Then don't you think you should keep it to yourself?" Sarah asked.

"He's gonna find out sooner or later," James countered. "Sooner he learns, the sooner he gets over it."

"At least let him find another date for the dance first," Sarah said.

"That's a good idea," Alan admitted. "I'm not sure even that'd help, but..."

"Then maybe you shouldn't tell him at all," Sarah offered. "He'll see you with her at the dance and think you're just giving a nerd a sympathy dance."

"No, he'll see them together at our party," James reminded her.

"Then let him think she's there as my friend!" Sarah was finding it harder by the second to hide her irritation at James -- was this because she'd dissuaded him from asking her? Maybe if she offered to be his date after all he would hold his tongue?

"That's an idea," Alan said. "Yeah, okay, let Mark think she's just there with you. Let's try it."

"Then Mark will want to know where your date is," James said.

"I just won't tell him I've got a date," Alan said. "He wouldn't tell me whether he had one or not either, after all."

"Good for you, Alan." Sarah couldn't resist a victorious smirk at James, whom she would not be asking to the dance after all.

James didn't want to see either of his friends get hurt. But he was morbidly curious as to whether Sarah's desperate ploy might actually work, and he was a bit hurt himself at the way Rosa had pushed him away outside Camden Hall. So he decided not to spill the beans next time he saw Mark, at lunch on Monday.

He soon found out Mark was playing along anyway. "You'll never guess who asked me to Spring Forward," he said as soon as James had sat down at his otherwise-empty table. "Rosa!"

"Rosa from the Corner Table?" James did his best to sound surprised.

Evidently he succeeded, for Mark nodded enthusiastically as he swallowed his coffee. "She sent me a written note, like something out of an old time movie, you know? And she called me 'Beefcake'. Can you imagine having a body that beautiful and calling a guy that? Of course I couldn't say no."

"Can't imagine you'd want to," James said. "I'm jealous," he added, figuring a touch of honesty among them wouldn't hurt right then.

"You are?" Mark's surprise was real.

"I saw what you saw," James reminded him. "And she's beautiful! And brave, as I said."