The Nerdy Nudist

When he finally pulled back, Mark said, "So, how about an early dinner tomorrow? Then we can be fashionably late at the party."

"I have a group project," Rosa repeated, thanking heavens her friends had chosen such an inconvenient time. "I already told James and them I'd help with the party once that's done. So let's just meet there?"

"That's not very romantic."

"I think you've taken care of the romantic part of it already, Mark." Rosa looked at the two roses in her hand.

"Right, whatever you say," Mark agreed. "But I reserve the right to take you someplace dazzlingly romantic on our next date."

Hours later on Alan and James' floor, Mark sipped the first of his share of the twelve pack of beer they'd picked up in town. "Dudes, I'm really looking forward to the dance, but I've got some disappointing news. My date can't go out to dinner beforehand. So I'll be available to help you with the party after all."

"Me too, I'm afraid," Alan said. "What is it with women being so damn responsible? Working right up to an hour before Spring Forward, really?"

"I'll be doing that too," James said. "Poli sci paper, due Monday."

"That's why you haven't got a date, dude," Mark said.

"Why didn't you ask Sarah?" Alan asked before James could act on the murderous look he gave Mark. "She seems pretty fond of you and all."

"Tell you the truth, Alan," James lied, "I thought she was the one you asked."

"So did I," Mark added. "The way she looked at you that night at the bar, she was hot for you, dude."

"Well," Alan said. "I can neither confirm nor deny..."

"Then again, she could be your date, too, Mark," James said.

"He just said he thought she was my date," Alan reminded him.

"Yeah, well, maybe I was just tryin' to throw you off the scent," Mark said.

He said it just in time for Tim and Tom to hear as they bustled in from the stairway with their own stash of beer. "Off the scent of what?" asked Tom, plopping down alongside them while Tim ripped open the box and pulled out two bottles.

"Of who their dates to the dance are," James said, a knowing glint in his eye.

"Oh, you're both going to love each other's dates, from what I hear," Tim said.

"I guess," Alan said. "But they're both too busy to go out to dinner or anything. I don't know about you, Mark, but I'll be treating mine to some big romantic fancy schmancy to-do after finals. That really gets 'em wet, y'know?"

"Pretty sure mine'll be wet for me already," Mark said. "I put on a big show for her this afternoon. Feels so cynical, but you know what girls like."

"Guess I should've primed the pump too," Alan said. "Guys, you know anyone with a car I could borrow? Maybe I'll give her a night on the town next week, if she puts out tomorrow anyway."

"I've got a ride you can borrow, Alan," Tom said. "You too, Mark."

"You don't have a car!" Mark said.

"I didn't say it was a car," Tom said. "But it's perfect for just how romantic you guys really are."

"Just what is it, then?" Alan asked.

"A 1979 Huffy dirt bike."

The group project meeting on Saturday afternoon was real, at least, and it kept Rosa's mind off her dilemma for most of the day. Of course, that also meant she was no closer to a solution as the zero-hour approached. Alone in her room after a quick dinner, she seriously considered just not going to the dance. Hadn't everyone told her she would just have to do the grown-up thing and choose, and hadn't she failed to do that? Surely if both Alan and Mark's dates didn't come to the party, they'd put two and two together! Then they'd both want nothing to do with her, but at least there wouldn't be any further awkwardness. Besides, did she want anything to do with either of them?

Like it or not, she did. Rosa conceded there was no avoiding that she liked being lusted after by the same kind of guys who wouldn't even look her way in high school. If only she could somehow keep them both in the dark -- but she couldn't. Wasn't avoiding the whole event preferable to hurting one or the other of them?

But then she'd be known all over their little campus as a coward, and so soon after she and her friends had shown themselves to be utterly fearless. No, she decided, she would just have to go join Alan and Mark at their party and let the chips fall where they may.

Rosa changed her mind back and forth again a dozen more times in the shower. But when she got out, she dutifully put on the blue floral print dress and white stockings she'd chosen back when she'd been looking forward to the dance. Things might be on course for an utter disaster just minutes away, she admitted as she admired herself in the mirror, but at least she'd look good for the occasion.

Even Tim and Tom had cleaned up for the occasion, and they greeted her in suits at the stairway door. "Rosa! Looking good!" Tom declared.

"We're the pre-party entertainment," Tim added. "But in keeping with the Claxton experience, we've written a protest song for the occasion."

"You're gonna love this song," said James from behind Rosa, and she turned to see him freshly spruced up as well. "You look fantastic, by the way."

"Thank you!" Rosa helped herself to a long look at him in return, and found the feeling was mutual. "But where --"

"Never mind them," Tom said. "Ready, Tim?" He picked up his guitar from the floor. "Two, three, four..."

"I've seen the gov'ment,

Robin Hood on the switch!

Take the middle class, kick it right in the ass

Steal from the poor, and give to the rich!

Can you hear me now?"

On "now," Tom leaned over and belted out an anarchic three-chord riff while Tim clapped along in ragged time.

James laughed. "Gets better every time, guys."

Rosa joined in. "I like it, it's got social significance. Now where are Alan and Mark?"

"Still primping for their hot dates," James said, and Rosa was sure she'd noted a sarcastic stress on the last letter of "dates", but she couldn't blame him.

"Yeah, who knew those manly men took baths together?" quipped Tim with a playful rap at the men's room door.

"Should've told me," Rosa said. "I could've joined them."

"Yeah, that would've settled things," Tom said. "Come on, let's get you a drink."

Rosa looked over her shoulder as the guys led her to the table at the end of the hall, but if Mark and Alan were in there, they didn't respond. Rosa almost wished they had -- the sooner the better -- but she followed the others. The table was decked out with liquor and mixers and snacks, including a bowl of Easter candy. "My mom sent that," James explained. "I never seem to finish it anymore, so I figured why not share it?"

"So you regifted," Tom said.

"Then you degifted!" Tim added.

"Great, we've got Jerry and George to sing protest songs," James said, picking up a bottle of vodka. "Sea breeze, Rosa?"

"Don't let him push his girly drinks on you!" came Mark's voice from down the hall, and Rosa's heart leapt as she turned to see him and Alan both looking just as spruced up as James.

"Yeah, the whole campus knows you're a woman!" added Alan. "James, you'd better make her a grown-up drink!"

"What's wrong with a fruity drink?" James said, having mixed up the enticing pink drink while Rosa was admiring her two dates. "Real men and women aren't afraid of stereotypes, right, Rosa?" He offered her the glass.

"Don't mind if I do," James," she said. "Thank you. Are you going to have one too?"

"My favorite cocktail," James acknowledged. "Who cares if it's pink?"

"James," Mark asked, helping himself to a can of beer, "Back in grade school, did you get beaten up every day, or was it just every week?"

"That's not funny," James said.

"Not if it's true," Alan agreed. "But it isn't, is it, really?"

"Not really," James said. "But you know, I do remember always feeling like I had to hide who I was, you know? I even remember watching football on TV and trying to enjoy it when I'd rather have been watching some sappy movie. Thank God I got over caring what anyone thinks!"

Mark and Alan laughed. Rosa didn't. "Mark, that's beautiful," she said.

"Almost as beautiful as you, Rosa," Mark quipped with a naughty grin.

Rosa beamed in response, but his comment made all four of the other guys groan. Their grousing was still in full swing when Sarah stepped in. "Are you guys that happy to see me?" she said.

"We're happy James'll have to lay off the bullshit, anyway," Alan said. "Lookin' good, Sarah," he added.

"Thank you," Sarah said. She was wearing a slinky white dress that Rosa remembered seeing in her closet freshman year. "You boys'll be happy to hear I never did get around to getting a date, so James, I guess I'll just have to tag along with you."

"Well, if you're gonna twist my arm," James said. "Want a sea breeze?"

"I'm a beer gal," Sarah said, helping herself to one. "So, a toast?"

"I think we'd better wait till Alan's date gets here," Mark said. "That's only fair."

"What're you talking about?" Alan said, putting an arm around Rosa. "I'm takin' --"

"Let's have that toast now!" James interrupted. "We can always have another later."

"If you say so," Mark said. "But Alan, boundaries, dude." He cozied up to Rosa on her other side and kissed her cheek.

"Boundaries?" Alan said.

"Forget it, Alan," Sarah said, raising her newly opened beer can. "What should we drink to?"

"To best friends who know how to keep their hands to themselves," Alan said.

"Alan, come on," James said. "She's no one's property, and we're all lovey-dovey here, aren't we?" He put an arm around Sarah, and was mildly surprised when she played along.

"And look who's talking, dude," Mark said. "Just you wait till your date shows up!"

"What the fuck do you mean, man?" Alan said. "And where's your date?"

Rosa's heart was pounding like a jackhammer, and even in her breezy dress she was sweating. She felt like she ought to say something, but the words wouldn't come. She gave Sarah a dirty look, but she showed no intention of helping her friend out of the awful spot she'd landed her in.

"Where's my date?!" Mark shot back, reaching for Rosa's hand.

"April Fool's!" Tim said. "It's all Tom's and my fault, guys!"

"That's right," Tom added. "We set you guys up with each other. We think you're a perfect fit!"

Sarah burst out laughing. No one else did, and she soon shut up.

"You what?" Mark said, turning to Rosa. "But you sent me that --"

"That was me, Mark," Tom said. "My mother always said I had a girl's handwriting."

"But I asked you, Rosa!" Alan said. "Were you in on this with them?"

"You what?" Mark said. Turning to Rosa, he went on. "He asked you and you said yes when I thought you'd asked me? And I said yes?!"

"You did?" Alan said. Then he shook his head and turned back to Tom and Tim. "Fuck that. What's the big idea, guys, you know we're not gay!"

"The way you always talk about James, we figured you were overcompensating," Tim said.

"About me?" James said. "What do they always talk about?"

"Oh, come on, James," Sarah said. "Everybody thinks you're gay, you can't not know that."

"What?!"

"You mean you're not?" Mark asked. "Look, it's cool if you are, but the way you always treat girls..."

"Like they're not pieces of meat, you mean?" James snapped.

"Well...yeah!" Alan said, and he couldn't help laughing a bit at the absurd turn everything had taken.

"Anyway, Tom and Tim, no, I'm as straight as they come!" Mark said. "And this wasn't funny!" Turning to Rosa, he added, "Now, do you want to be my date or not?"

"I'm the one who asked you," Alan said, hooking his arm through hers.

Rosa looked back and forth between the two of them, speechless and amazed that either one still wanted her, much less both.

"Guys, it's not fair to put her on the spot like this," Sarah said without a trace of irony. Rosa wasn't sure if she wanted to thank her friend or punch her. "Let's all just enjoy our drinks and go to the dance together, huh?"

Rosa felt like asking if she didn't get a vote on the matter. But then again, she promptly concluded, she really didn't want to have to choose.

An oddly surreal peace prevailed for the rest of the party, as Tom and Tim serenaded them with ad-libbed songs about rebirth and new grass on the field and new love. Other friends and floormates came and went, and plenty of photographs were taken. Rosa smiled for them all, privately thinking she would never want to look at any of them.

The booze ran out just a bit past nine o'clock, providing an excuse for them to be just a touch fashionably late. "Off to the chateau of the blind architect?" Tom suggested, drawing uneasy laughs all around as all wondered who would be escorting Rosa. She was as surprised and pleased as anyone to find Mark taking her left arm and Alan her right, with no complaints although they avoided making eye contact with one another.

Tom's opinion of the Renee Poirier Centre was widely shared. Newly opened the summer before, the center of most of the social gatherings on campus was overly modern and unwieldy. But it did offer the only alternative to having dances in the gym, which had always drawn complaints from the basketball coach about scratches on his floor. But tonight the Centre was awash in pastel spotlights for the occasion and streamers along the walkway, as welcoming as springtime itself. James felt the usual pangs of guilty pleasure as he and Sarah followed Mark, Rosa and Alan along the path.

"Just who was Renee Poirier anyway?" Sarah asked. "What a way to honor her memory!"

"She's still alive," James said. "She made a ton of money with that translator app, LanguagExchange."

"That was someone from Claxton?" Sarah asked. "Wow, how'd I not know that?"

"It wasn't actually Renee Poirier who invented it," James said. "That was someone else from Claxton, I can't remember his name. They were friends from here and he hired her later on. I guess he didn't like Claxton as much as she did, though, that's why he hasn't given them any money. I hear he didn't do very well here."

"That's right," Tim said from ahead of Rosa and the guys. "Beware the late bloomers!" He and Tom slapped high-fives.

"I think that other guy had the right idea, if this is how they spent her money," Sarah grumbled.

Rosa was surprised at how good she felt as they stepped into the crowded dance hall. She wondered just why Tom and Tim had felt the need to lie about writing that note to Mark, but she was too enthralled with still being the center of Mark and Alan's attention and affection to care. But, as a sprightly waltz was just starting up, there was the matter of whom she would dance with first. Of course that bitch Sarah was looking utterly amused as they reached the floor and the matter came to a head.

"Well, Alan, I think this is where you get off, I'm afraid," Mark declared.

Sarah laughed and tried to pull James out to the floor, but he stood his ground. "Only fair that you see what happens now," he said.

"Mark, I'm the one that asked her, remember?" Alan said. "Sorry you got wrapped up in this, but I think we both know which one she really wanted to go with."

"Dude, you thought she was a freak before you saw her naked," Mark reminded his friend.

"At least I didn't drool when I did see her that way," Alan replied.

"How'd you even know what I was doing when your eyes were glued to her?" Mark said.

"Oh, you and me both, man, you know that! But you could've asked her like I did, and you didn't!"

"Guys!" James held up his hands like a referee. "Ever hear of letting a gal make up her own damn mind?"

"You stay out of this, Mister Straight Sissy!" Mark snapped.

Alan laughed at the name. "Man, that's hilarious. Nailed it. I owe you a drink after I dance with my date."

"Thanks," Mark said. "James, I don't know why you couldn't just explain how just because you like acting like a girl doesn't mean you're not attracted to them!"

"Right, but which one of them is gonna be attracted to him?" Alan said.

"Not our problem," Mark concluded. "Now then. All right, Rosa, I guess we've just got to let you decide which one you're gonna dance with."

"Gee, thanks, Mark," she said. "I nearly felt forgotten for a moment there." Not only forgotten, but also reminded of the utter scorn they had both shown her back before they'd seen her naked -- that side of both their personalities was now back on full display.

At least, she realized, there was no doubt in her mind just who she wanted to dance with. It would be the only one of the bunch who'd treated her with respect before that fateful evening, and had admired her but not ogled her at the big moment, and had proven himself to be a gentleman and a friend.

Rosa turned around. "James, would you like to dance?"

As James grinned shyly and took her hand, Tom and Tim whooped and applauded. "You go girl!" "Good choice!" Mark gave them a dirty look and muttered something under his breath and stormed off. Alan turned to Sarah, but she shook her head and also marched off in the opposite direction from Mark.

James was only just aware of all that, for his heart was flying as Rosa led him out onto the floor. "Dare I ask what I did to deserve this?"

"If I had to name one thing," Rosa said as she welcomed his arm around her back, "The way you tried so hard to talk to me like my clothes were on. Adorable!"

"Well, thank you! I hope you don't mind if I say I liked what I saw, even if I tried not to stare at it."

"James, of course it's all right!" Rosa laughed. "And I could tell you weren't gay."

"Geez, where'd that come from?" James shook his head in disbelief as they glided about, fielding admiring looks from friends. "I've known those guys for three years."

"I get it," Rosa said. "Anyone different, anyone who likes anything they're not supposed to or doesn't like something they are supposed to, people are going to jump to some crazy conclusions about you."

"I guess you know all about that," James said. "I'm so sorry about what Sarah did to you, by the way."

"I'd say it worked out pretty well in the end!" Rosa was grinning ear to ear. "I feel like I've been carrying a boulder around all week and suddenly it's gone!"

They were quiet for the final strains of the song. As the music trailed away, James hugged Rosa tightly and she kissed his cheek. He responded in kind, then their lips met.

When she finally came up for air, Rosa whispered in his ear, "You want another look at what you saw that night? No need to hold your hand up this time!"

"Do I ever!" James said.

The next song kicked in and they gave no thought to finding another partner. They stayed through the last dance, taking time out to schmooze with Rosa's friends, who were all apparently pleased with the resolution of her dilemma. "Glad she picked door number three," Moose said to James as they shook hands. "I didn't trust those other two guys at all."

"Thanks," said James, doing his best not to laugh at Moose's sky-blue tuxedo or the mismatched sneakers he wore with it. "She's a real sweetheart, she deserves better than them."

"And we all know she'll get that from you," Moose said. "Or else, dude."

James chuckled and nodded, and resisted the temptation to tell his new friend Rosa could take care of herself.

"I'm so glad you kept an open mind about my friends," Rosa said as they walked hand in hand back to Lawton Hall. "I should warn you, James, we are an extremely cohesive group of people."

"I know, and I've always admired that about you guys," James said.

"You noticed, then?"

"It's hard not to. I'll tell you what, the Corner Table is just what I always wished for in high school."

"Me too!" Rosa said. "I mean, we kind of had the same sort of thing, but it wasn't as tight-knit as the real Corner Table."