The New Girl

"I'm sorry I kissed you." She sounds upset. "I shouldn't have taken advantage of you."

Of course, she regrets the kiss. She probably doesn't want to lead me on and wants to cut ties. Well, there is no need.

"What kiss?" I finally look into her deep, milk chocolate eyes.

My confusion must seem very real because she hesitates.

"You don't remember?" Her arm falls at her side.

"No." I bite the inside of my cheek.

"Oh." She runs a hand through her hair. "Then, never mind."

I get into my car the moment she moves away.

******

My breathing is labored.

I look out at the view and feel a sense of accomplishment. The hike took most of my morning and now I can appreciate the scenery. There are farm houses separated by a couple of acres below. Each property is separated by different grass cuts. Tiny animals barely move enough to change the view. The sun is hiding behind some gray clouds. I don't think it'll rain today. The wind is blowing much harder up here than below. I wipe the sweat from my forehead. Being at the summit makes me feel so big and yet so insignificant. I am above all of the trees and cars below. But I am just a speck of dust in this big world. A speck of dust on the verge of losing her grip.

Quin has been on my mind every step of the way. Wondering what she does on the weekends. Who she spends her time with. What she had for breakfast, if she eats enough. I have this urge to check up on her. But I know I won't. Not after our forgotten kiss. I lightly touch my lips to ease the burn. My forehead is covered in sweat but I know my cheeks are bright for a completely different reason.

I need to snap out of it.

I don't need her. I do not miss her presence. I can't.

Memories of growing up in a loveless house plague my mind. My parents do love my brother and I, just in their own way.

They were never the type to be overtly emotional or showed any physical affection. Especially towards each other. From a very young age I noticed a difference from the way my parents loved each other and how it was portrayed in the movies or shows. They never kissed each other passionately, never flirted with their eyes. They have always been practical. They married straight out of high school and started a family. My father is a truck driver and my mom is an office assistant. They have both been working for the same company since I was born. Their days blend in together and they rarely do anything spontaneous.

That's not to say that they do not love each other. In their actions I see the respect and adoration they have for one another but there is no passion. They may love each other but they are not in love with each other. I grew up avoiding any emotions that got me too excited. If I cried over something small, no one rushed to my side and comforted me. I was given a few minutes to pull myself together and get over it. And that is why I avoid getting into situations that require my emotions to be out of whack.

In high school and college, I avoided getting into any serious relationships. I knew I preferred girls, I knew my parents would not accept that and so, I set clear expectations from the beginning. I had only a handful of awkward tries at doing the friends with benefits thing but it never got serious. I preferred to be the giver. I liked making girls feel good, making me feel wanted for even just a few moments. I, myself, did not find the idea of losing my grip in reality for a few moments of bliss but I wasn't opposed to the idea. Some realized I was too wound up to completely let go and others figured I would never get serious about start a relationship so it always ended with them being unhappy with me. Eventually I realized it was not worth the hassle and stayed away from them altogether. And it has been that way even after graduating. No one has gotten close and I have been okay with that.

So, why do I have a feeling Quin is going to test those boundaries?

******

Everyone in the office is running around trying to get their work submitted before the end of the day.

Our quarter ends today and we need to make sure our numbers look good. Every department is caught up in their own world trying to oil their parts so the machine doesn't break down. My team is working double time to pull in some additional customer satisfaction reviews.

I twirl my pen between my fingers to keep my energy upbeat. I have been on the phone with a customer for the last hour and they don't seem to want to let up. The most important rule I have learned about my position is not to let customers hear the distress in your voice unless you want them to retaliate with double the displeasure. No one would say I am a ray of sunshine when it comes to talking to customers but I am efficient and I don't waste time when it comes to fixing problems. I get along with customers who make it their main goal to follow my instructions to get their computers fixed. I don't care much for small talk but I have learned to be more personable so there are no awkward silences.

"Ma'am I am going to place you on a quick hold. Just stand by while the computer restarts and I should be back on the line by then." I place her on hold and slam my pen against my desk.

I get up and walk to the restroom. Sometimes taking a breather is enough to get me through a long call.

I walk in through the doors and feel someone walk in close behind.

"Hi Anne." Quin's voice feels loud in the small room.

I turn and back away, ready to fend her off. Then I shake off the feeling of fear and square my shoulders. I'm being ridiculous, it's just Quin.

Her steps mirror mine and before I know it, she has me backed against the wall on the other side of the door. Her hair is up in a bun, her bangs blow dried to slightly curl over her forehead. She's wearing a dark suit with a light blouse. I can't even tell what she is wearing exactly. At the moment I am staring into her brown eyes without blinking.

"I knew this shirt would look nice on you." She looks down at me with an appreciative glance.

I didn't do laundry this weekend and this was one of the last clean shirts. The turtleneck she bought for me. I knew I should have tossed it when I had the chance.

Her hand comes up to tug on the cloth against my neck. "It really brings out your eyes."

I gulp some air into my lungs before I pass out. She smells like flowers. Like a garden. A forbidden garden.

"Why are you so tense? Customer giving you problems?" I expect her to drop her hand but she lightly places it behind my neck.

The tingling sensation between my legs intensifies as her other hand lazily rests against my hip.

"What are you doing?" I sound scared.

"Just helping you release some tension. I know how much you aim to please your customers." Her head lowers and she leans in until our lips meet. My face is tilted to the side so she has better access.

My hands come up to grip her blazer. She tries to lean in further but I hold her back. When she tries to pull back, I grip tighter so that she doesn't move. I stare into her eyes while our lips touch. There is a fracture in my brain. A small crack that is letting blinding light through. I have nothing to cover it with. I don't know what I am doing or what I want but I can't move a muscle.

The door behind her makes a noise and Quin is out of my sight in the blink of an eye.

"Anne, are you okay?" Cristy's concerned look snaps me back to reality.

I move away from the wall and ignore Quin's shoes peeking from under the stall next to me.

"Yeah, I just needed a second to get my life together." I give a breathless laugh.

She nods but still looks confused.

I walk out of the bathroom and zip line to my seat.

"Thank you for holding, is the system back up?" I snap my legs close as Quin walks by with a smirk on her face.

******

"Hello?" Pen moves something in front of my face.

"What?" I ask her to repeat herself.

"I said, now that I know Quin is a lesbian, I think you guys should get to know each other better!" She places a strand of hair behind her ear and pretends to look smart. "I think you guys would complement each other very well." She smooths out her black skirt while letting me process the news.

"How on earth do you know she's a lesbian?" Images of Quin's lips against mine cloud my brain.

"Tory heard it from Liam who heard it from Sage." She says as a matter of factly.

"Ugh, you guys and your rumors." I move a cherry tomato around in my salad.

"It's not a rumor! Quin hasn't given any of the guys in the office the time of day and Sage seems to be the only one who has gotten close enough to get her attention."

I imagine Sage with her blonde hair and fair features all over Quin's desk trying to get her attention.

My fork plunges through the plump tomato.

"I didn't know Sage was into girls." I drop my fork and pick up my phone to distract myself. I almost drop that too from being so abrupt with the movement. Pen doesn't even bat an eye. She's used to my clumsiness by now. She hasn't even seen the worst of it.

"Apparently she's bi." She takes a bite of her bread and chews thoughtfully. "I guess Sage and Quin could make a cute couple. But I feel like Sage is not as nice as you are. I mean, sure she offers to help people and goes on coffee runs when we desperately need it but it just doesn't seem genuine you know?" At this point I know Pen is just thinking out loud and I can choose to participate or brush it off. "Like one time, she offered to help me with a presentation I had to do in a short time. Shortly after I gave the presentation, she asked me to help her with one of her own assignments. Like as soon as she does something for someone she expects to cash in on her favor."

"Seems reasonable." I shrug.

"You don't do favors to get something out of it." She points out.

"I don't do favors in the first place. I don't bother people so they don't bother me." I scroll through my social media page.

"Cut the crap." She snatches my phone away. "You always do favors even when people don't ask for help."

I snatch my phone back. "Still, I don't get what any of this has to do with Quin."

"You better get in there before Sage swoops in."

"You act like just because we are the only lesbians in the same building, we are destined to be together. There is a life outside of work you know." I imagine Quin pushing Sage against the wall like she did with me in the restroom and my stomach tightens. I don't like that at all.

"Yes, because your life outside of work is booming. You just have dates lining up outside your door." The playfulness in her tone annoys me.

"As a matter of fact, I have met someone." I stuff my mouth with lettuce as soon as I register what I just said.

Pen drops her breadstick. Her striking green eyes widen in shock. If I were anyone else, she would have brushed the joke aside and went on with her day. But because it is me, someone who never jokes around about dating or anything of that sort, she can only assume I am being completely honest.

"What? When? How? Who? Annie, what are you talking about?" She rushes out all in one breath.

I take a sip of my drink to make it easier to swallow and give me some time to think. "Well, it just kind of happened."

She has taken care of me when I was on death bed, she kissed me, she made me forget about a rude customer by simply being in my presence. She has the warmest eyes and sweetest lips. Her hair is shiny and always perfect. I don't say any of that of course. I just stare at Pen hoping she will forget the whole thing. Fat chance of that happening.

For some reason she seems really invested in my story and motions for me to continue. "We met...this past weekend. On the hike that I told you I was doing." My face heats up. I don't lie. I never have had a reason to.

"What is her name, how does she look? Come on, don't make me pull teeth!" She is animated and excited and my heart turns over. I'm being a bad friend. I'm lying to her. I should just come clean. "Actually, don't jinx it! Just wait and see how it goes and if it seems like it's a serious thing you can tell me okay?" Pen wraps her arms around me and I feel her smile against my cheek. "I'm so happy for you Annie, I thought you would never give anyone a chance."

What have I done?

******

"Please, just do this once and I promise I won't bother you again!" Ricky has both hands in front of me as he begs me to do him a favor.

"Fine." snatch both boxes from his hands and turn back to my work.

"Thank you so much, Anne. I owe you!" He leaves before I can change my mind.

I was going to do it anyway. Ricky was one of the people who helped me get my work done after I had to call out for being sick. I was the one who owed him.

I finish up some spreadsheets and stare at the two boxes. They're pretty heavy, but I can do this. I just need to run to the nearest FedEx and have them shipped. Nothing I haven't had to do before.

Quin is waiting by my car and comes to my aid when one of the boxes starts to shift towards one side. She takes one from the top and helps me place it in the trunk of my car.

"Thank you." I shake my hair so that it falls around my cheeks to hide the blush.

"Do you need help taking them to FedEx? I can hop in and give you a hand." She opens my door.

"No, thank you." I close my door and take a deep breath as I hold on to the steering wheel. I almost jump out of my skin when there's a knock on my window. I thought she would have left. I roll down the window but stare straight ahead.

"Anne, I was wondering if we could grab a bite to eat this Friday?"

My head snaps in her direction. She doesn't look like she's kidding. She actually looks nervous. The way she shifts from foot to foot. Her smile is small.

I picture sitting next to Quin, a naturally beautiful creature that has probably never dropped a condiment on her clothing. Probably wearing something to make her look like a Goddess as she sips on her drink and looks at those beneath her. AKA me. Little ol' me, stumbling over my words, acting like a robot with a short circuit. She will ask questions, I will have to pretend to have a personality. Pretend that I know what dating is like, and caring for someone else, and having feelings. Oh, God. Feelings. That is enough to terrify me out of any engagement. I try not to panic.

"I can't, I have plans." My heart flips in the air while my brain moves back and forth trying to catch it.

"So, you are seeing someone." She nibbles on her bottom lip. Her eyebrows furrow.

Pen can be so...annoying. Why did she have to involve Quin? I want to roll my eyes and correct her but she leaves in the direction of her car.

******

My phone rings late in the afternoon on Saturday.

"Hey, come out to drink with us!" Pen practically yells.

"I can't, I'm busy." I flip through the action movies on Netflix. Hmm...this one looks interesting. Cute female lead. Looks nothing like a certain someone I can't stop thinking about.

"Come on! It is going to be a group of us. Sage got Quin to come!"

My ears perk up. "And?" I try to play it off.

"You need more friends. Look Annie, I know you probably have a girlfriend now and she might be a very nice person but you need friends too! You can even bring her along!"

Oh, not this again.

"Yeah, I don't think it's going to work out between us. She's just, I don't know. Too intense." Yeah, very intense. Loves to kiss me unexpectedly. And do nice things for no reason. Offer her help even when I don't expect it. And she is probably interested in someone else.

"Oh, that sucks, sweety. But hey! That's even more reason to come out tonight!" She brings up all of the times she has asked me to come out to drink and discounts the last time because I was the one who invited her. She begs and guilt trips me until I finally give in.

I scramble up from my seat and run to my closet to see what I can wear.

After an hour of piling clothes on my bed I realize what a bad idea this could turn out to be.

Being at a bar with Quin and Sage, watching them get drunk and flirt with each other. Drinking water while everyone else gets drunk and start to make dumb jokes that I won't laugh at because I'm not drinking. The fact that I am putting so much effort into my choice of outfit is also another disclaimer that if I go through with it tonight, I am succumbing to whatever unresolved feelings I have for Quin. I would only be going to see her, if I am being honest with myself. And after rejecting her so many times, I don't think she'll want to see me.

With resignation, I shoot Pen a text asking for a raincheck and turn off my phone.

******

Back on the couch, four hours later, I hear a knock on my door.

I tip toe to see who it is and calm my heart before opening it slowly.

Quin is standing there wearing a tight black dress that looks like second skin against her body and thigh high boots. Her hair is straightened and her bangs are being held back by a clip. Her face is flushed as her eyes take me in.

"What are you doing here?" My hands come up to cover my chest which is only covered by a worn-out shirt. My sweats are old too. I look homeless in my own home.

"Were you expecting someone else?" She looks down at my clothing and scoffs. "Cuz if you were, you might want to change."

"You're drunk." I point out. "Did you drive here?" My anger comes quickly. Is she that reckless? Not only is she putting her own life in danger but she is putting others at risk as well. I grasp at the familiar feeling and latch on to it. Anger, I can deal with.

"No, I did not." She mimics my frown. "So serious. Aren't you going to invite me in?"

I move aside and close the door behind her. It's almost midnight. She shouldn't be out there alone at this time anyways.

She goes to sit on my couch and moves the remote away from her hip.

"Where is Sage?" Might as well get down to it now. I'm dying to know and I can't see any other way to ask without looking like I'm fishing.

She pats the spot next to her. "Come here, Anne."

Ignoring my question. Does that mean their date didn't go well? Or did she drop her off before coming here? Why come here at all? So many pointless questions.

I move back towards the kitchen and get her a cup of water. I'll get her sobered up and out of here before she can cause any trouble. Does she know hearing her say my name sends fireworks to my brain? Stupid, Quin. Stupid, hypnotizing voice.

She's still sitting on the couch with her hand next to her when I get back to the living room. I hand her the glass and stand close to the T.V.

"I promise I won't bite." She places the cup down after drinking a generous amount.

I move towards the couch but she catches me before I sit. She moves around pulling me against her chest, while I try to squirm out of her grasp. It's no use. She ultimately settles down so that she is lying in a comfortable position. She's on her back and I'm laying on top, my head inches from her chest. She wraps her arms around my waist. I stop breathing and stare at the screen, currently paused on a scene where the protagonist is driving through New York traffic trying to catch the bad guy. The only light in the room is coming from the T.V. and the light down the hall. We both sit there not moving an inch.

"Is this okay?" I can hear the strain in her voice. Does she want me to push away? Say that I hate this?

For once my silence is welcomed by us both.

My neck becomes stiff and I know I can't hold it up much longer. I slowly move it until my head rests against her collarbone. She moves her head until I feel her lips lightly brush against my head. I listen as her breathing gets heavier.

******

I awake before she does.

Sleeping in her arms was as uncomfortable as I imagined it would be. She doesn't have enough meat on her bones to make her a comfortable lay. Not in that way, at least. Any time I tried to get up her arms would wrap tight around me and I eventually gave up after my eyes became heavy. Any time I would shift my position or turn my neck, she would mirror my movements and dig her nose further into my hair.