The New Girl

I get up soundlessly and use the bathroom to freshen up. I take a quick bath, brush my teeth, and change my clothes for the day. I opt for some black leggings and a long T-shirt. I avoid looking at Quin as I make my way towards the kitchen. I take out some eggs, bacon, and toast. Does she prefer orange or cranberry juice? Does she eat meat? I think back to the cookout and the rack of ribs on her plate. Pork is fine.

I hear the bathroom door close and jump. She's awake.

Act normal. Keep cooking. Shit! The eggs are over cooking. I scramble to get them off the pan and onto a serving plate. I pay closer attention to the bacon. Does she like it crispy or soft? Why do I care? I make both just in case.

I put the bacon next to the eggs and wait on the toast.

I don't hear her come into the kitchen, I feel her presence right behind me.

She wraps her arms around my waist and digs her nose into my neck. "You smell delicious."

I drop the butter knife I was holding and close my eyes, solely focusing on her hands and lips. Every kiss sends a pulse straight to my core. I feel her everywhere. Every inch of her body engulfs me in flames. I've never felt anything like this before. It feels amazing.

"Be honest with me Annie, is there someone else?" She grazes her teeth in between my neck and shoulder.

"I-"

There's a knock on my door and I pull away from her grasp with some reluctance and relief.

I open it without checking who it is, and breathe in the stale air of the hallway.

"Annie?" Bobbie's smile is wiped away when he takes a look at my face. "What's wrong?"

Bobbie doesn't look like my baby brother anymore. Sure, his face is still somewhat round but he no longer wears glasses and his acne is gone. His brown hair is short on the sides and curling slightly up top. He's wearing his college sweater and some sweats. Are his socks mismatched? He has the whole college student look going for him.

I move aside to let him in. "Nothing. I just wasn't expecting you."

It takes all of two seconds to catch Quin leaning against my kitchen counter with a piece of bacon in her hands. So, she prefers crispy bacon. Same.

"I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?" His eyes wander up Quin's incredibly long legs, his blood rushing up his face at the same speed.

I slap the back of his head. "This is my coworker Quin, she crashed here last night after she wasn't able to drive home."

Quin reaches her hand out and gives him a friendly smile. Her hair is up in a messy bun and she looks adorable. There is no running mascara or dark circles under her eyes. I'm mostly captivated by the glossy residue of the bacon on her lips.

"Hi, I'm Annie's brother, Bobbie." He shakes her hand and averts his eyes from her legs. "I wanted to surprise you this morning since a couple buddies of mine were coming up this way."

I look at him in amazement. That's a first. Bobbie and I have a regular brother and sister relationship but not like we depend on each other a lot. I always offer my assistance but he usually has everything figured out. If I am goal-oriented, Bobbie is the sensei of adulting. He's been the more mature one since we were young.

"Nice to meet you. I was actually just heading out." Quin scoots by us to grab her boots.

"Already?" There is a hint of desperation in my voice and she stops in her tracks to look at me. "I mean, don't you want to eat first?"

She winks at me and shakes her head. "I have overstayed my welcome. But thank you so much for letting me crash here." She zips one boot after the other and just like my brother my eyes fall to her exposed skin. "I will see you at work."

I walk her to the door after she shakes my brother's hand.

"Thank you for everything. And I'm sorry for overstepping boundaries. I just really wanted to see you last night. That doesn't excuse my behavior." She manages to look embarrassed.

"Just, don't ever drive drunk." I bite my lip. I want to say more. I want to put her mind at ease and let her know I'm not seeing anyone.

"I didn't and I won't."

I lean against my door to look up at her.

"There is someone else, isn't there?" Her smile is sad.

My heart flutters. Does she look hurt? What am I doing?

"Otherwise, you just don't like me. I mean how many times do I have to make a move before taking a hint?" She taps her fingers against her thigh and sighs. "I've been told I come off strong. But don't worry, I have finally heard you loud and clear." She turns away and walks down the steps.

This morning wasn't supposed to go like this. I was supposed to come clean and finally kiss her the way I have been wanting to. But I don't deserve it. I don't. She is aware of her feelings, always has been. She knows what she wants, deep down she listens to the little voice in her head and in her heart. I don't have enough conviction, enough passion. I am not enough. She is too much. And who would ever date their co-worker anyway? Imagine it all goes horribly wrong? Somehow I can't imagine that. Not with her.

The door handle slips from my fingers and it slams shut. I lean against it.

I dig the heels of my palm into my eyes, trying to push the tears back. I wait until I can catch my breath before walking to the kitchen.

"That was interesting." Bobbie has his plate full and digs in.

"In all seriousness, what are you doing here?" I grab a plate and sit next to him. I can't hide the pain as well as I want. It hurts. I hurt her. And I let her leave. But that is what I wanted right? To have her leave me alone so I can go back to being by myself? Being stress free, drama free. Free. Has it always been this suffocating?

"Did you just sniffle?" He drops his bacon. Unlike me, Bobbie has big blue eyes he inherited from our grandfather on my mom's side. He assesses me with caution.

I shake my head and take a big gulp of water. Oh shit, this really hurts.

"Annie, you can talk to me. It's okay, you know? To feel." He pushes his dish to the side and hugs me.

I cry without wanting to. It starts with the long breaks in between my breathing and ends with tears streaming down my face. It is a silent cry that speaks volumes. We are not huggers. We don't do that. Why is he doing that? Can't he see it is only making it worse? I hold on tighter.

"Did she say something to upset you?" He rubs my back.

I shake my head. I'm the mean one. This whole time I have been pushing her further and further away and now that she is willing to leave me...it is tearing me up inside.

"Annie, you have to talk about it." He sighs. "It's not normal, or better yet, it's not good to hold it in."

I pull away and use my shirt to wipe my face. I can't help the hiccups that ensue from my tears. "I-" I clear my throat. "She-" The words don't make it out.

"I blame them." He looks at me in distress. "It wasn't until my first year of college that I realized we were raised all wrong."

I control my breathing. "Don't say that." I hiccup again. "They did the best that they could."

He bows his head. "They tried to raise us like robots. We have feelings too." His eyes turn bright. "I hate seeing you like this, Annie. Please tell me what's wrong."

I wrap my arms around myself. "Nothing." Once the feelings have staked their claim on my heart, I allow them to sit there and avoid causing anymore disturbance. I don't move a muscle, hoping to calm the waves within. That is how I have done it in the past and that is how I am going to do it now.

"You really need to talk to someone. Letting your feelings out doesn't make you weak. Owning them makes you strong."

I nod at his words. "You've always been so wise."

He smirks. "College will do that to you."

I drink some more water and pick on the food on my plate.

We sit in silence. He's probably thinking about the same thing I am. Did our parents fail us? We never went hungry, sure we struggled sometimes but nothing traumatizing. If our power went out, we bundled up. If all we could eat were crackers for dinner, we did it. At the end of the day, we stuck together and our parents looked out for our best interest. They raised us with morals and invested in our education. They did more than their parents did for them. They had to choose to be there emotionally or financially for us. I'm sure I would choose the same if I had children of my own. Wouldn't I?

But right now, I do not have to choose between one or the other. I can provide for myself and I am old enough to make my own decisions. If I want to focus on my emotions, who is going to stop me? My heart twists in pain at the thought of not seeing Quin again. Do I want this? It is scary to think of the power she holds over me.

"I think I like her." I avoid looking at him. I say it out loud for myself and to show him that there is nothing wrong with us. For the most part. We are doing that best that we can. I am going to try to do the best that I can.

"She's hot." He states the obvious.

I narrow my eyes on him.

"So, why are you crying?" He points to my face, which is probably blotched.

"I ruined it. She's too good for me." I stop pretending to eat.

"That's not true and you know it. Annie, you're the best big sister I could have asked for. Even when our parents raised us with barely any love between the two of us, you showed me there are other ways to show you love someone. You always gave me your food even if you were starving. You stuck up for me when anyone tried to pick on me. You would tell me bedtime stories when mom had to work late."

My eyes get wide. I do love Bobbie and I never wanted to fail him but I didn't know he was able to see that. Things got better when we got older and our dad got a raise. "You remember all of that?"

He nods. "I know it was rough growing up but I didn't notice a difference. And it got better once we got older."

My eyes get watery again. I don't want him to remember the bad parts.

"Now, I don't know what is going on between you two but you need to get your shit together if you're going to try anything with her." He gets this look in his eyes that I have seen before. He's trying to solve this complex problem with the most efficient solution. I am his math problem. Figures. "First things first, you have to think better of yourself. Think about all of the things you are bringing to the table."

I sit there silently waiting for him to continue. He looks at me expectantly.

I smirk. "I am self-sufficient, independent."

"You are caring and dependable." He corrects me.

"I have a good work ethic." I sniffle.

"You are willing to make the relationship work even when times get tough."

My heart grows tender. "I love you." I give him a wobbly smile.

He messes my hair up. "I know. Just like you know I love you too."

******

Sage is in Quin's cubicle on Monday morning.

I pretend to be heading to Pen's desk but look back at her as I pass by. She gives me a smile that doesn't reach her eyes. Have her eyes always been so cold?

"Well, hi there!" Pen gives me a quick hug. She knows how much I dislike them so she makes them short. Her hugs I don't mind. I don't hate Quin's hugs, that's for sure.

I hide behind her wall and peek outside of her door to look at Sage. She's leaning over Quin's desk, they're both pointing at something on her screen. She is standing very close.

"What are we looking at?" Pen is leaning over me to follow my life of sight. Her short hair tickles my forehead.

"What is Sage doing at Quin's desk so early in the morning?" I don't beat around the bush. Pen will be caught up soon enough and I can't waste any more time.

After the eventful weekend with Quin and my brother, I decided I needed to do as he said and get my shit together. He worked with me all weekend, going over affirmations, reminding me that I am worthy of being happy, not just complacent. No one else could have gotten through to me the way he did. No one understood what it was like growing up void of feelings.

"She tries to do this a couple of times a week, probably to get closer to Quin." Pen whispers.

Ugh, so I do have a rival. "What happened Saturday night?" I hope she knows what I am referring to.

"Quin bailed pretty early on. Sage stayed and kept drinking. I think she was bothered by it."

I hate the smile that takes over my face. That doesn't mean anything. That was before Quin thought I had a significant other.

"Ladies, can I help you?" Pen's manager, Johnnie, stands in front of us.

We both jump back and I straighten my shirt. "Sorry, I thought I lost my notebook here. Thanks for helping me look, Pen." I rush out of her cubicle, but not before almost running into Quin who was leaving her desk.

My face turns bright as I hold on to her arms for support. My heart tumbles at her feet.

She looks down at me with reserved concern. Her eyes are darker today. She looks tired. I want to ask her if she has gotten enough sleep.

"Oh, are you okay Annie?" Sage pulls me up right and away from Quin. I don't miss the side step to get in between us.

I shift away from both of them and nod. "Just had to get something from Pen. Bye." I rush out of there with as much dignity as I can muster.

******

"You have to do it!" Pen shoves me further down the steps.

"I don't think that is a good idea." I bite my lip.

It is Wednesday morning and I have made zero progress.

Pen is now up to date on my new goal: Getting Quin to ask me out one last time or get enough courage to take the first step myself. I don't know if I can make it happen, but I will try my hardest. Every time I have tried to get some alone time with Quin, Sage has popped into the picture. By that time, I have already lost my guts. Even with Pen's help it has been nearly impossible to manage more than a single greeting whenever I am around Quin. I always trip up on my own thoughts and she's not as chatty as she used to be. She has also started coming in later and leaving earlier, which makes it hard to catch her in the parking lot. How did she manage to make it look so easy in the past? She seemed to catch me at the best time when I was in the parking lot.

"You just make it look real. I'll handle the rest." Pen looks around to make sure the coast is clear. She sticks out like a sore thumb with her red suit but I let her pretend she is blending in. Sage is off today and right now Quin is taking her restroom break. According to Pen, I just have to pretend to trip and have Quin catch me so that we can look into each other's eyes and fall in love. Sounds far-fetched, but I am becoming desperate. I haven't gotten to talk to her much since she left my apartment. I need to clear the air.

We walk further down the hall and the restroom door opens. I yelp when I feel Pen's hand come up behind me and give me a shove. I fall, harder than I intended, into someone's arms but they feel too soft. Definitely not what I was expecting. They also fail to catch me and I fall, twisting my ankle on the way. Landing on my face.

"Annie!" Cristy's shrill voice fills the halls.

"Shit!" Pen rushes to my side and gives me an apologetic look.

"Ouch." I turn and sit up, glaring at her.

Quin comes out of the restroom in a hurry and her eyes go wide when she sees me on the floor.

"Anne." She rushes down and looks at me without blinking. "Are you okay?"

I nod and use her extended hand to get up. My ankle gives out and I practically fall against her chest. I grind my teeth against the throbbing pain and use her arms as support.

"Here." She picks me up and carries me to my chair. Being in her arms feels familiar.

Everyone surrounds my office space and my face turns as red as a tomato.

"Okay people!" Pen starts to push people out. "Let's give her some room to breathe." She gives me a wink and a thumbs up before leaving.

Quin is sitting on the other chair, with my foot on her lap. She removes my heel and lightly touches my ankle.

"Ow." I squeak.

She winces and sighs. "We might have to go to the doctors to get it checked."

My heart flutters at the mention of 'we'.

"I'm fine, I just need to give myself some time to get over the initial pain." I remove my foot from her thigh.

Her eyes turn dark. "Do you always say you're fine, even when you're not?"

I blush and avoid looking at her. Why did I decide to listen to Pen? Now I really did hurt myself and I might have to be excused from work. If the plan was to put more space and time between Quin and me, we succeeded.

"Here." She hands me back my shoe. She gets up and I try to do the same but she pushes me down firmly. Her hand on my shoulder feels scorching hot. "Stay off your foot." She motions to leave but I pull her hand to stop her.

She turns to look down at my hand in hers and I pull away instinctively.

"I'll take your offer, if you still want to take me to the doctors."

She doesn't bother looking at me. "I'll let Pen know to give you a ride."

******

"I'm so sorry." Pen hits her forehead against her steering wheel.

"I should have known better." I can't completely blame her. I'm the one who went along with it. "Let's just go get my car so I can drive home."

According to the doctor it was a light sprain and I should be good within the next couple of days. I just have to avoid putting a lot of pressure on it. Considering a lot of my work can be done sitting, that should be no problem. It's also not like I will visit Quin's desk every morning. I'm no Sage.

"So, operation damsel failed. Time for plan B." She pats my thigh in encouragement.

"Um." I want to groan but I don't want to be left to my own devices with Quin. I need Pen's help. Especially now that I am a leg behind.

"This Friday I am going to invite Quin over to my place for a movie night."

I scowl. "Great, now you're after her too?"

She giggles. "As if, that girl scares me. No, scare is putting it lightly, I think the word I'm looking for is intimidates."

I give her a sideways look. "Who, Quin?"

She nods.

I picture Quin leaning her head against my neck, kissing me. My cheeks heat up. Not intimidating. Just...intense. But in a good way.

"Sure, she is friendly. I mean, she is much friendlier than you and loves to help out but she is also very driven. Nothing can get in her way when she wants something, you know?"

I look out the window. I do know. The clouds are coming in, this day is going to end bleak. In more ways than one.

"Anyways, back to my plan. I invite her over. You decide to drop by unexpectedly and then I'll pretend to get sick or something. That will be your chance to get her to take you home." She smiles brightly.

I begin to poke holes in her stories. Unlike our last plan, I need to make sure this one is sound proof. I start to fire off questions. What if Quin is drunk? Then I get to drive her home. What if she leaves as soon as I get there? I chase her. What if she doesn't show up? Trust her, she will.

We pull into the nearly empty garage. Pen gasps.

Quin is leaning against her car staring down at her phone. As soon as she hears Pen's car she looks up and makes eye contact with me. The air pushes out from my lungs.

She hops in her car and leaves before Pen can even park.

******

I crack my knuckles with one hand before knocking on Pen's door.

She lives in the fancier part of town. With her salary and taste for a lavish lifestyle, it suits her. I focus on the dark green door. The lights in the hall are not as bright or as harsh as mine. The walls are a deep red and there are plants in each corner. She has her apartment all the way at the end of the hall. Where I am standing now, waiting for her to answer the door. I think of Quin, the only person who my brain doesn't mind constantly wondering about.

I haven't seen her since Wednesday afternoon. She is much better at avoiding me than I ever was. While in the past there were times that she would conveniently run into me, now I don't even get a glimpse of her. It is as irritating as it is thrilling. Now it's the moment of truth. I tug on my gray sweater and straighten my shirt. I decided on a laid-back look to make it seem like a genuine drop by. If I was too dressed up, Quin would catch on. And I can't have that.