All Comments on 'The Old Repairman Pt. 01'

Hi. You wanted some constructive criticism. So, first up... your writing is ok. Not great but far from being the worst.

Advice 1: Get an editor. There were so many errors that would, hopefully, be picked up by another pair of eyes. Simple stuff: ie Stub when you meant stud. "He could care less" when it should be "He could NOT care less".

Weirdly, you write as if you are from Australia or New Zealand or even Canada. The style shows that, even though you use American terminology throughout, including the errors in English that many Americans make.

Numerous clues show this: Degrees Celsius used when Americans always use Fahrenheit.

Anyway, good luck and keep writing. Oh, try to write about subjects you know or carefully research. Having worked in the fashion industry, I know they would never, ever, be fashion models with measurements as you listed. (36DD, 36E) Fat thighs, fat asses. They could only be "glamour" models doing lingerie/bikinis or doing porn.

Very good story. Five stars in fact. But my friend, you need to find an editor. The story is littered with errors which might seem insignificant, but for us readers, make a lot of difference.

Research! You don’t sound American by your writing. Who says YA? And models these days would die of hunger with those measurements. And the greatest majority of people in the US use Fahrenheit.

The most important thing is editing however… I might take up the time to edit this for you if you are interested.

I look forward to reading more stories from you and hopefully more about Vernon. Thank you for sharing.

i love old mans stories ,, i wish i can get a sexy old man like that

Wry sorry but I found it unreadable from the start. Not by the content but the use of language. In the first paragraph the use of “he walks up to his trailer” grates on me. “He walked up to his trailer” would read better. There are many more examples. Your word choice seems to describe what is happening in real time whereas I feel it’s better to use words which describe what has happened in the past. Walks versus Walked. Maybe it’s British English compared with American English or just English language. It’s a shame because I hoped to enjoy reading it.

Here’s an example of an early paragraph before and after makeover.

“The door to his trailer squeaks as he opens it and heads right for the fridge grabbing a beer and the last of his donuts. He goes and sits on his couch, placing his walkie-talkie on the table next to him as he thinks back on the tough Monday at work.”

“The door too his trailer squeaked as he opened it and headed right for the fridge before grabbing a beer and the last of his donuts. He went and sat on his couch, placing his walkie-talkie on the table next to him as he thought back on the tough Monday at work”

Do you see the different between the two?

It’s suggested you need an editor. Maybe I can help as you have great ideas.

keep writing, looking forward to where you take this!

RA

Please continue the story. Don't pay too much attention to criticism. This is for entertainment, it's not to win a literature prize.

It was a wonderful story, people get a life and enjoy the storyline. Wordsmithing could certainly happen but candidly if I want to pull myself off Grammer isn't going to keep me soft. To the Grammer kings .. go to a local massage parlor and get a r&t

You ripped off a ton of this story from Parum's "The Mix-Up". You should at the very least give credit where credit is due.

Sooooo did you think you could do better than Parum or is this just some kind of half-assed homage? Look, man. If you're going to damn near completely plagiarize the plot to somebody else's story, you might actually benefit to throw a message that author's way, prior to, and discuss the similarities. You might actually come up with some original ideas of your own. I commend you for almost completely changing all the details in the second chapter, but this first chapter, down to the "milkshake" is a blatant creative theft. To anybody who wants to read how good this story was supposed to be, go read "The Mix-Up" series from Parum. It is, by far and away, superior to this.

Please go read up on points of view (POV). The shifting viewpoints made it very difficult to read. Also, it's masturbate, not masterbate and peek not peak.

I see some readers claiming this is a ripoff of another story so I'll be checking.

I don't like the mix of past and present progressive tenses, it makes it difficult to read.

I am glad I wasn't the only one who noticed how much of this story obviously resembles "The Mix Up" from Parum, but hers is much better. And don't let the dates fool you, she wrote hers in 2021 and 22, then pulled them down to make some edits and just reposted them recently. You should be ashamed.