The Party

(The play takes place entirely on the grounds of someone's house. It is a warm evening and university is on break. The actors are free to move about the house inside & out at the directors discretion. Tim, Ian & Kendall arrive as the play opens.)

                    Tim
(done in rap fashion)
Rollin in my five point O.
Rag top down so my hair can blow.
Girlies on stand by waitin just to say hi
Did you stop
No I just drove by

I'm going to get laid tonight.

                    Ian
Tim, shut up there is no way any girl in her right mind would fuck you.

                    Tim.
Shut up Ian. What do you know?

                    Ian
I know that you're a total geek. What do you think is going to happen you're going to meet some girl who wants to hear you talk about Batman?

                    Tim
No man I'm just going to go out there and get my swerve on, and watch the ladies catching my vibe.

                    Ian
Oh yeah that's going to happen. I'm sure there's some girl here tonight who can't wait to hook up with the guy with the Back To The Future T-shirt on.

                    Kendall
Dude, relax.

                    Ian
I am relaxed. I just don't need to hear Tim talking about how he's going to get his swerve on. What the fuck does that mean anyway? Is it Clingon or what?

                    Kendall
Tim why don't you go get something to drink. Why are you so harsh on him?

                    Ian
He's a total ass man. He spends his days reading comics and does nothing at work. His section is a mess and I'm always the one straightening it. It's bad enough I have to clean up his shit let alone hear him talking about it when we're not at work. I can't believe I showed up to the party with a guy wearing a Back To The Future shirt.

                    Kendall
He's not that bad. A little geeky allright, but it's kinda like hanging out with the lovable character Screech from Saved By The Bell.

                    Ian
Yeah. Work in Mimi's department and tell me how lovable he is. What a fucking bitch.

                    Kendall
I will give you props there man. I can't stand the way she treats everybody like they're a twelve year old. "Hey Ken wouldn't it be great if someone set up this month's display?"

                    Ian
So don't tell me about how he's lovable. Tim has two options for his future, living in his parents garage watching sci-fi or snapping from sexual frustration and taking out a campus full of coeds from a clock tower.

                    Kendall
Drop it. But y'know now that you mention it why is it always a clock tower?

                    Ian
You're higher up.

                    Kendall
Maybe it's a phallic symbol.

                    Ian
It's got nothing to do with phallic symbols. It's just that you're above everyone and can see them easier.

                    Kendall
Well thank you Lee Harvey, but couldn't you be just as high in a hot air balloon. And plus you wouldn't be stuck with cops all around you, and when you're done shooting you could just float to the safety of international waters.

(Patty & Laura arrive at the party and find Ian & Kendall.)

                    Patty
Hey sweeties, we got lost. What's going on?

                    Ian
Nothing. Kendall was just telling me about his penis envy.

                    Kendall
I said phallic symbol not penis envy.

                    Ian
Whatever.

                    Patty
Ian, let's go get something to drink, OK? We'll be back.

                    Laura
So did you ask him yet?

                    Kendall
Not yet Laura. Jesus.

                    Laura
Well I just want to know is all.

                    Kendall
I think we're at the age when we shouldn't have to ask around to find if people like you.

                    Laura
Oh c'mon.

                    Kendall
No, I haven't asked him yet. But I will.

                    Laura
Does Ian know that I like him?

                    Kendall
I think it's pretty obvious.

                    Laura
It's obvious to you, you're not involved.

                    Kendall
Why don't you just tell him?

                    Laura
Cause what if he says no and I have to see him.....

                    Kendall
Laura he is not going to say no to you. It is so obvious he likes you. Stop playing games and go and talk to him.

                    Laura
Why do you think he likes me? Did he say something?

                    Kendall
No he hasn't said anything yet. But I'm telling you just my own opinion here. I watch you two guys and it's obvious, you like each other.

                    Laura
But he can be such a dick sometimes, and then he's really nice. So I can't figure him out.

                    Kendall
There ya go.

                    Laura
What?

                    Kendall
That proves he likes you.

                    Laura
Because he's a dick

                    Kendall
Not just because he's a dick. But the lengths he goes to be a dick. See if a guy likes a girl in this situation he can't just come right out and say he likes you. Cause then the girl has the upper hand. She knows that he likes her and he thinks in no time at all I'll be taking her shopping telling her what she does and doesn't look fat in. Now if the guy doesn't let the girl know that he likes her the girl will work harder to show she likes the guy. You with me?

                    Laura
So he thinks if I know he likes me it's a sign of weakness.

                    Kendall
OK, but it doesn't stop there. If the guy keeps on hiding his feelings the girl will work harder and harder to get the guy interested. So eventually the guy has a girl throwing herself at him without the guy doing any work. He's never bought her dinner, he's never met her parents and he doesn't have to run to the mall with her at Clinique bonus time.

                    Laura
Have you given this speech before?

                    Kendall
A couple of times. But the important thing is that he knows you like him on some level. Maybe it's an unconscious thing at this point. Maybe it's just a thought in his mind that he's considering. But there are feelings there.

                    Laura
So what should I do?

                    Kendall
Take the offensive. The longer he acts the a dick, the more he thinks you're going to like it. If you take the initiative and be somewhat assertive it will work. I'm not saying go Fatal Attraction on him. Just make your intentions clear. Then he'll think he's being rewarded and continue the good behavior.

                    Laura
OK, OK.

                    Kendall
So go find him and talk to him.

                    Laura
OK. Thanks

                    Kendall
Go. Find him. Go.

(Patty & Ian are now off in a separate area.)

                    Patty
So, what do you want to drink?

                    Ian
I don't know. Whatever.

                    Patty
I like that. Not picky at all are you. Just so long as it's wet.

                    Ian
Nah. Beer is pretty much the same. Especially party beer.

                    Patty
That cold beer must taste really good on a hot night like this.

                    Ian
Yeah.

                    Patty
Do you like it when it gets hot?

                    Ian
Whatever.

                    Patty
I love it when everything gets all hot. It just makes me feel so free. Y'know makes me feel really limber. So why haven't you called. I mean I've been trying to call you. But the number you gave me turns out to be the number for the 7-11 on Sand Lake Road. And I keep calling thinking maybe you used to work there and I keep trying. And at first Achmed was cool about it. But I called today and he started cursing me out in whatever language he speaks. Than he starts yelling at me to "buy something or get out". So I spent twenty minutes trying to explain that I wasn't actually in the store.
                    Ian
Well ever think that's why I didn't give you my real number. You'd be calling me 37 times a day. Besides we see each other plenty at work.

                    Patty
Well, you could give me your real number. I think it's the least you could do. We never talk anymore.

                    Ian
We're talking now. What's the problem?

                    Patty
We had sexual intercourse Ian. There is no denying that. And this behaviour is very counteractive to our relationship.

                    Ian
Relationship?

                    Patty
Yes relationship. As in what we have been in for the past week.

                    Ian
All we did was hook up.

                    Patty
Yes. We had intercourse. Now I think we should explore the part of our relationship where we express each other verbally. That's what couples do. They have sex and than they discuss things.

                    Ian
Will you stop saying relationship.

                    Patty
I think you're just afraid to have someone love you.

                    Ian
You love me? How can you love me? Look. We hooked up, that's it. It's not a big deal.

                    Patty
Well, can we do it again?

                    Ian
What the...... What is it with you. First you want to talk, than you don't want to talk and you want to hook up? We're not going to do it again ever.

                    Patty
Why not?

                    Ian
Because you're awful in bed.

                    Patty
No I'm not.

                    Ian

You just lie there. And you're frigid. I was doing everything I could and it had no effect on you.

                    Patty
Well maybe you weren't that good. Ever think of that?

                    Ian
Oh please. You were telling me to look for the man in the canoe. I mean if you thought me and another guy was in there. A guy with a canoe I might add. I must have been good.

                    Patty
Well maybe it was pretty good.......

                    
(Tim is back with Kendall. The conversations between Patty & Ian happen at the same time but separate from Kendall & Tim.)

                    Tim (to Kendall)
Dude I just saw the hottest girl pull up.

                    Kendall
Yeah? Go for it man.

                    Tim
I don't know man.

                    Kendall
What's not to know? You just go up to her and start talking.

                    Tim
Really? Is it that easy?

                    Kendall
You haven't talked to many girls have you Tim. Man just go talk to her.

                    Tim
You think I should.

                    Kendall