The Party

I don't. And at this point even if I did know I wouldn't tell you. That's a really fucked up thing to do.

(Kendall notices his friend Dennis)

                    Kendall
Oh, thank God!

                    Dennis
What's goin' on man?

                    Kendall
Not much. How long You been here?

                    Dennis
Only about 5 minutes. So, how's this party going?

                    Kendall
Well, so far one guy has gotten drunk and started hitting on this girl from work. Who this other guy from work is probably in the process of hooking up with now. So, presently said drunk guy is currently looking for said girl and the lucky guy. In an attempt to kick the ass of the lucky guy who might not be so lucky if said drunk guy finds him after he gets lucky.

                    Dennis
You seem to be holding up well.

                    Kendall
Oh yeah, so far it's been a fuckin' blast.

                    Dennis
You're pissed. What, did you want to also hook up with said girl?

                    Kendall
No. She's a coworker and you know how I feel about work relationships.

                    Dennis
So, you feel responsible? Dude it's not even your party who cares if it isn't going well.

                    Kendall
It's not that. There are minor pangs of guilt happening but only cause I told Tim he should go for the hot girl. Who at the time I didn't know was Laura, so in that respect I feel exonerated. Who would have known that underage guys, alcohol and women could cause such a volatile situation.

                    Dennis
Are you really pissed that Tim is drunk?

                    Kendall
No, not really.
                    Dennis
So?

                    Kendall
Stacey is here.

                    Dennis
And which one is Stacey?

                    Kendall
The psycho bitch goddess from school.

                    Dennis
Oh, as opposed to all those other psycho bitch goddesses at school.

                    Kendall
Well this one's the queen.

                    Dennis
What did this one do?

                    Kendall
She stood me up.

                    Dennis
And that makes her psycho?

                    Kendall
Yeah.

                    Dennis
With the number of times you've been stood up, you'd think that would just make her average.

                    Kendall
Oh, fuck you.

                    Dennis
No c'mon man. So that's it she stood you up?

                    Kendall
I told you this.

                    Dennis
Refresh me.

                    Kendall
About a year ago I ask this Stacey girl out. She cordially agrees and plans are made by me which were not easy to do. But the thought on my part was that the effort could win me some affection at the end of the evening. So about two days before the event is to take place I call her to convey the plan. She's not home and I leave a message on her machine, no big. Well, that call was never returned and neither were the other two I placed to her house, on the day of the event.

                    Dennis
So?

                    Kendall
So.
                    
                    Dennis
So?

                    Kendall
So. We goto school together and more to the point we have the same major. I mean when I asked her out we were taking English Lit 1 leading the reasonable person to believe that English Lit 2 would immediately follow. She stands me up knowing that she's going to see me every day in class for the next semester. And we start school again and she never comes up to me and says anything. No apology, no explanation. Not even a made up story about her sick Aunt in her broken down car aboard the alien mother ship who needed to wash her hair, but couldn't because she was being probed. Nothing to even acknowledge the fact that she stood me up. It's like it never happened. It's like I never happened.

                    Dennis
Guys, get stood up. It happens. You know what? It might happen to you again. And if you fly off the handle like this every time it happens you're not going to make it past 35 without losing all you hair and having a couple of heart attacks. She's not interested, forget her, fuck her. Her loss.

                    Kendall
It's not that easy.

                    Dennis
Yeah?

                    Kendall
We had a class together last semester. She started passing notes to me in class and saying 'hi' in the halls. Just random weird stuff like that. And a couple of minutes ago she smiled at me.

                    Dennis
What did the note say?

                    Kendall
It was about some book she thought I should read called Ishmail or something. She said it was about how to protest or something like that. I read about the first 20 pages and it turns out there's this talking gorilla who's about as confusing as she is, and that's when I threw the book down. I can't believe this. She pulls the cunt move of the decade and acts like she's a fucking saint. But she does have those cute little freckles around her eyes that you can only see when you're standing really close to her.

                    Dennis
OK. So I don't get why her just being here is pissing you off.

                    Kendall
She stood me up. And now she wants to be all buddy buddy with me without ever giving me an explanation as to why. No. It doesn't work that way.

                    Dennis
You need to talk to her.

                    Kendall
Fuck that!

                    Dennis
Why not?

                    Kendall
Why should I have to talk to her?

                    Dennis
Because she obviously wants you to.

                    Kendall
Well than she can come talk to me. I asked the girl out, I already showed interest. She rejected me. I pay her the ultimate compliment and what does she do? She shows me she doesn't want me around. Well, fine. I'm not around. If she wants to talk to me she can walk her ass right on over here and apologize to me.

                    Dennis
She's trying to but you won't let her.

                    Kendall
Why are you taking her fuckin side.

                    Dennis
I'm not. Fuck her. I don't give a rat's ass about her. I do however care about you. I don't care if she gets hit by a truck. I've never said a word to her and I probably never will and it's no skin off my ass. I'm not trying to stand here and tell you that what she did was ok. But, when I see my friend all pissed off and flustered at the mere sight of this girl I think I can safely come to the conclusion that he needs to talk to her.

                    Kendall
Why?

                    Dennis
Why? Besides the fact that you still like her. I mean look at you, you carry the note around in your wallet that she wrote you, what? How many months ago? So besides from that you're at a party and you can't have a good time cause you're afraid to talk to a girl. And there are all these other girls here you'll never talk to because you're pissed off. I'll bet you don't talk to any girls at school either and why not? Cause you're pissed off at this one girl cause you can't bring yourself to ask her what happened.

                    Kendall
Jaimee just walked in.

                    Dennis
What?

                    Kendall
Jaimee. She's here. Why does my life fucking suck so much?

                    Dennis
The Jaimee you were talking to last summer? The chosen one Jaimee?

                    Kendall
Yeah, that one. The one who wants to be a model.

                    Dennis
Which one is she?

                    Kendall
Over there the surgically enhanced blonde.

                    Dennis
She's cute.

                    Kendall
Yeah, she's definitely a stiffener.

                    Dennis
But, let me guess she's now achieved psycho bitch status.

                    Kendall
It's well deserved.

                    Dennis
What's your problem?

                    Kendall
No, see I'm not the one with the problem it's them. They have the problem.

                    Dennis
Women?

                    Kendall
Yes, women.

                    Dennis
And you're basing that on your bad experience with two girls.

                    Kendall
No, from all of them.

                    Dennis
Oh yeah cause you're such an experienced guy.
               
                    Kendall
Well it happens with every one of them. It's the biggest hypocrisy scam going. They can act any way that want around me, tell me whatever they want. But god forbid I actually act like myself. God forbid I actually pay them a compliment and express some feeling. All they want to do is call me and bitch about how they can never find a nice guy. That's all they say they want. But they don't mean it. What they really want is to find an asshole and turn him into a nice guy. Which they can of course never do. So in the meantime they bitch to me about how much they would love it if I was their boyfriend. "Oh, Kendall why can't I meet a guy like you...." What they don't realize is that I am the nice guy they are looking for. Well, actually they do realize it. And than what starts to happen is they want to fuck the asshole and then come talk to me.

                    Dennis
You know. I bet right now there's some girl at this party who's saying to one of her girlfriends "Why does Kendall always go for girls who fall for assholes. When I'm really the girl he wants"

                    Kendall
Oh, don't give me that advice through irony shit.

                    Dennis
Seriously man. Is there any girl in your past you're not mad at.

                    Kendall
No.

                    Dennis
You've got to talk to these girls man. And it's gotta be soon. Cause otherwise you're going to go around hating women for the rest of your life. And you'll never meet the right one cause you're living in that fucked up head of yours and you'll never open your eyes and see the good ones. The ones who will treat you right. You will essentially become the girls you hate. Always bitching about trying to convert someone into something they aren't. I'm not saying go up to these girls and try to pick them up. I'm saying go try and figure out what's going on with them. Go ask Stacey why she stood you up. Ask her why. And the why is the important part. Maybe it's not your fault. Find out what went wrong with you and Jaimee and again make sure you get the why. You know what it might just be your fault. You need to move on man. Cause when you get a little older and the girls get more mature and grow up and start liking nice guys you're going to be so angry and cynical no girl would go near you. You will isolate yourself. And I don't want to see that happen. Mostly because I don't want to keep hearing you bitch about these girls. You connect with women man. You can get women to talk to you and that's what they really want. Wake up and see that. These girls fuck these assholes and than you're the guy they talk long and hard into the night with. You need to understand that means something. And accept that, if a girl is only willing to offer you friendship take it, and cherish it. And one day she'll realize what a great guy you are. So go fucking talk to one of these girls. And have some fun it's a party for god's sake.

(Dennis goes off and blends with the other party guests.)

                    Tim
LAURA!!!!!!

                    Kendall
Tim c'mere.

                    Tim
Hey have you seen Ian, cause if you have I'm going to kick his ass

                    Kendall
Tim, relax. You can't go around kicking people's asses. Is that what Batman would do?