The Perfect Beginning Ch. 02

He just wanted to die, but he stood there...and cried. He was not sobbing, but tears began running down his cheeks and his look of total despair delighted Michele and filled her heart with joy and gratitude.

Michele thought this too good to be true and did what came so naturally to her, "Oh my god, are you really crying? Oh my god! You are totally crying! What a sissykins! Tell me, are you a man or a crybaby?" When he hesitated, she startled him with a ringing slap across the face and she yelled, "Tell me, say it! Are you a man or a crybaby?"

"A...a...um a cru..cru..crybaby?" he asked weakly seeking the right answer.

"Yes!" she erupted in triumph. "You are a cru...cru...crybaby!" she mimicked and mocked his weepy tone.

His crying and everything it represented turned her on even more and though she continued giggling at the boy, she found him adorable. Eventually she calmed down and her demeanor changed abruptly. "Ahhhh, come here," she said as she opened her arms for him to hug her. Although she still used that baby voice, it was somehow warmer and reflected affection and concern.

Tim had to drop to his knees to hug his seated girlfriend. She held and rocked him whispering endearments and assurances. "It's okay, you're still my little boy. Are you my little sissykins?"

"Please, Ms. Michele," he wept, "I want to be so badly!"

"Say it."

"Ms. Michele," he continued to weep, "I just want to be your sissykins. Please keep me. Let me be with you."

She smiled warmly at him.

The relief Tim experienced was transformative. He was so relieved to have Michele's affection and approval once more. On his knees, he hugged her and let her rock him in her arms and he never lost his erection.

Thank god for Michele.

"Okay now," she began sweetly, "who needs his spanking?"

"I do, Miss Michele, I do. I'm sorry I lied about it. I need them...but only from you. I need spankings. I need your spankings so bad. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He did not now if he was apologizing for denying the truth or for being a pervert who got off on being spanked by someone so inappropriately young. He then knew he was apologizing for both. By indulging in his perversion, she was giving him a lot.

"I love you."

"Of course you do. And don't worry, if I ask her, Tanya probably won't tell anybody." She smiled down at him as he buried his face in her stomach. After rocking him for several minutes, she unbuttoned her blouse and allowed her little boy to suckle her. As he sucked hungrily, but gently, she wiped a tear from his cheek.

'SpankyPants', that was funny...

It planted the seed of an idea.

Her boy nursing with gentle but urgent need on her hard nipples, felt really good. She loved the feel of his warm, wet mouth on her body. As she looked down at him, she loved the look of mindless need on his face and the urgency of his whimpers.

We are together.

How comforting to them both.

The last few months had been wonderful, she thought as he continued to suckle. They'd lost a little of the excitement that they had when they first came together. Today, they had rediscovered some of that magic, some of that excitement.

She'd never felt closer to anybody than she did to Tim. Michele realized it was the cycle of breaking down Tim's ego, really ripping him to pieces, crushing his confidence ... and then building him back up that was so exciting and brought them so close together.

It's what brought them together in the first place and what she was doing to him when he told her that he loved her. It was the first time either of them had used the L-word. It was wonderfully exciting and bonding for them both.

And it was not just 'building him back up', it was reforming him into something better, someone she could love. He became more dependent upon her and therefore more subject to her will.

And suddenly it dawned on Michele just how important it was that she'd made Tim cry. Aside from how much it turned her on, it had great significance and represented incredible power. She wondered if she'd made him cry before

Have I?

They were so used to displays of intense emotion, she was not sure. Was this the first time? She cut herself a little slack as she understood for the last few months she'd been riding a tidal wave of change in an emotional storm. And there had been so much evident emotion throughout their relationship that tears might have been overlooked.

The simple truth was that boys didn't cry. Actually boys did cry, young ones at least, but men didn't and Tim was supposed to be a man. She'd actually never seen a man cry until she'd made Tim cry.

She'd spoken of it once with her mother. Although neither really related to it, her mother accepted it as a fact of life and therefore, it became an unquestioned fact for Michele as well: Men don't cry. Further, girls cried all the time as it was simply a normal way for girls and women to regulate their emotions. It was a healthy way to process very real and very strong feelings.

Yet she had the power to make Tim cry! She had the power to make a grown man cry! She loved that. She greatly valued his weakness and treasured his vulnerability, especially as she saw it as a response to her power and authority over him.

He wouldn't be crying if it weren't for me!

Women and girls cried to keep themselves in a healthy mind set. It was different with Tim because she forced it on him. She realized she was a little lucky to have caught Tim before he'd fully processed into manhood and totally hardened himself against tears. And then like lightening:

No, I don't care how old he is, if I played him right, I could make a man cry at any age. You just have to know how to work him...and I think I do!

She knew she was going to walk Tim backward and fully reacquaint him with the emotional vulnerability of boyhood such that tears would became common or if not common, at least something she could have when she wanted them.

And he was hard the whole time!

She thought then that she might be able to use association to confuse poor, little Timmy by linking crying with arousal. Crying, shame, fear, contrition, humiliation as well as spanking would all be things that would make his big cock throb and dribble with excited need.

Sit up and beg, little cocky. Beg me.

Michele thought she could and that today was just another step toward making this happen. She laughed to herself as she knew she'd have tears on tap; she'd condition him to nearly cry on command...and get turned on by it!

Imagine if I could train him to only ever orgasm when crying! Oh my!

Donna, Michele's mom had once told her daughter that it was shared experiences that were meaningful that brought people together. She was right and Michele knew these were the kind of experiences they'd need to share over and over again.

We will do this again many, many times.

She was giddy with his expression of love. She liked that what they were doing was so wholesome.

Suckle, little boy. Need me. Yes, need me, need me, need me!

She smiled down at him. His warm, wet mouth felt nice as his tongue swirled lightly over her hard nipple.

Feed your need.

Yes, 'spankypants' sparked a neat idea indeed...

****

Dearest of all Diaries!

OH MY GOD, what a day! Where do I start. Actually, that's not so hard.

Tim told me he loved me today. Sweet! It was so adorable. I really like that he said it but also, like no duh!

I'm going to expect that a lot...oh and that is one bit of public display I can get with. He'll be repeating that one at school in front of all the girls. Smiles! Big SMILES!

So there I was, spanking away, just working my boy, loving him in my special way and when I was done, I just happen to point out to him how much he loved to be spanked by me. To be fair, I was framing him as the pervo. Win! I was helping him understand that he was a perv because of how much he liked to be spanked and then what does he go and do?

Why he cums in he boxers, that's what!

Part of it was hilarious, especially because of how embarrassed he was by it. Like, his shame was super intense. Loved it! And let me say, when I was helping him understand his shame by laughing and using my little girl voice, it makes me feel so incredibly pretty and cute! OMG, thinking about that makes me want to enjoy a big, giant O right now! LOVE that feeling! Cute little me! Ha-Ha! Smug!

And another part of it was really neat because I'd never seen a boy do that before. Actually, he had his underwear on so I only sort of saw it, but cool anyway.

A huge part of what made it so totally amazing was that I was not even touching him when it happened. He had a premature ejaculation without even being touched!

And what, pray tell, got him so excited? Well, me of course. Win! But what was I doing? Here is the kicker, I was really pouring on the humiliation-therapy. It was beautiful and fun and I was getting really super special...but not nearly as horny as him! Ha-ha! So laughing! To be fair, I actually came when I was spanking him...but he'll never know. Shhhh, that's just our little secret.

Another confession, I cum like all the time when I give him a spanky. Like, getting it now, how could I not feel super sexy-cute when I can make him cum like that?

So there he is standing in front of me with cum all over himself and me just laughing at him and what does he do?

He began to cry. Really. So not kidding. He cried. Like that was just so beyond!

Writing this again: he began to cry. Amazing.

OK, it's not like I think crying men are like my ideal boyfriends or anything. I did not grow up thinking I want to marry a man who cries. What makes this so wonderful is that it was me who made him cry. I have the power to make him totally lose himself.

So yeah, I might just start to really enjoy the sight of my boy crying. I've already decided that this will not be the last of his tears and I'm going to make crying something connected to love, sex and hard-ons. Maybe not all the time, but sometimes.

Got to keep things spicy! Already, under certain circumstances, I know his crying can arouse me.

After all that, you'd think I had a totally wonderful and complete day. But that was not all. After spanking him, humiliating him, making him cry and then comforting him...he told me he loved me. Am I doing things right or what!

This is who we really are.

LOVE my life!

****

Although six decades older than Michele, Tim was much less capable of objectively viewing what was happening to his life. It was becoming more difficult for him to avoid certain realities though. Was he a pervert? The quiet, painful answer was yes.

His perversion whispered at him at every quiet moment. He could never admit to anybody what he allowed Michele to do to him...what he wanted Michele to do to him. He felt he betrayed the very idea of what it meant to be a man. And he felt profound and nearly overwhelming shame as he knew there was something wrong with himself that he allowed it to happen. He was certain that he could have stopped it, but didn't.

One thing was clear to him, however. He was not a pervert because he lusted for one so young. He lusted for Michele in spite of her age, not because of it. Yet while he was clear on this point, he was ashamed to be with a one hundred twenty three year old and constantly judged himself when viewing their relationship through the eyes of others.

In contrast, Michele felt as though she'd far exceeded the most ambitious and progressive ideals of womanhood. When one is in control, one totally dominates one's partner, what's to be ashamed of?

She was 123 years old and was mastering an 180 something year old man, what did she have to be embarrassed about? Society looked up to the victor, it rewarded and admired the strong.

What girl wouldn't want to be her? Michele was the envy of every girl at school and a hero to many. She felt no need to announce to the world her mastery of Tim, yet neither did she shy from it. She knew in time that all those close to her would basically know what was going on between them, which of them wore the pants and which one wore the apron. She was proud of herself.

It was at this point that two traversed completely divergent inner paths.

Tim was out of control and awash in shame. He was in love with Michele but freaked out about who he was becoming.

Or have I just always been this way?

He considered the possibility that Michele was just showing him who he had always been.

Is Michele making me into this? Can she really do this to me?

He could not think about it.

Michele loved Tim and loved who she was becoming, who they were becoming. Consequently, she explored everything. She researched and read all about relationships, sex and love. She did not get the least squeamish about kinky sex and wanted to know more. She wanted to know more about psychology and the male psyche. She continued journaling and wanted to become as self realized as possible. She loved examining all the things that made them who they were as individuals and who they were as a couple. She happily put herself on the fast track to womanhood.

Michele had to start thinking about her future. Soon she'd be telling Tim that he was not going to college. Perhaps at some point, she might have him take some practical courses at the jr. college, but his designs on a ten year university were over. She'd let him know of her decision soon enough.

Michele was bright and saw herself going far. She knew she'd make a lot of money, plenty for both of them. She felt it was important to keep Tim in a controlled environment, keep him as the stereotypical "kept woman."

He'll be the kept Kimberly!

She laughed.

When Tim finished over-school, she'd have him enroll at a local culinary school, or at least someplace that taught cooking.

She knew that soon enough, Tim would be living with Michele and her mother and the more Tim benefitted the home, the easier it would be for her mom to accept and eventually embrace his presence.

After he became proficient, she'd have him go work for Monica Maid or some other house keeping company for a few months so that he learned how to keep their home cleaner than Michele and her mother then kept it.

Then she'd have him enroll in a massage school. There was no need for a license but she wanted him to be an expert.

She'd make him the perfect "wife."

He'll be my trophy bride!

She realized the idea of slowly revealing her plan to Tim, knowing there would be a lot of drama, made her pleasantly anxious, horny and eager.

Telling him will be so neat!

Michele was feeling very smug and smiled to herself more and more.

****

Dear Me,

OK, so I'm really trying here to get totally real with myself. I want all of this to really mean something. I want to learn, grow and be more. Totally want to be like, my best self. Life can be so exciting and it just gets more exciting the more I grow and just, I don't know...become who I am. I'm becoming.

I really love bossing around and humiliating Tim. I do and I don't care, it's what I like. I more than like it though, it turns me on. But it turns me on on like different levels...if that makes sense. OK, so like sometimes I'll be with him and I just so want to put him in his place and I'll say something to him and about him and I can get just like crazy special from it.

Other times, I'm just kind of bossing him around and I might get special but I might not...but I'm still turned on. It's weird. It's like I'm not exactly horny...but I could get there really easily, but it's more like everything is better. It's hard to explain. I feel more aware, happier and relaxed...but with lots of great energy! That's a pretty good description.

When I boss Tim and even more, when I say something to him or about him that hurts his little feelings, it's energizing and just feels wonderful, mind and body! I guess I get spiritually special. That's a funny idea: spiritually horny. Oh my god! It's true though.

So why am I this way? I've really been trying to pay attention to it all and have noticed some important things...and from what I've read, this is not uncommon...even if what we are doing is! Happy! So part of what is happening to me is because of me. I like bossing someone around. It feels good and right for me to do this. I feel like I know how things should be and how they should be done.

One psychologist wrote something like, "Be an expert in your own happiness." So that's what I'm doing. I know how I like things around me and I like making someone else do it...like Tim.

I'm a leader. Pretty obvious. She called it being alpha. I'm an alpha. Smiles.

This brings me what she calls "wellbeing." Tim is good for me. Getting to do this to Tim is good for me. So really it's a double happiness.

First, let's just say I like having a clean kitchen. When I make Tim do it, it's clean and I'm satisfied. But that's just half of it. The other part is the joy, pleasure and peace of mind I get from controlling another person. Happy! Having real power over another person just feels so much better than anything I've ever experienced in my life. Thank you God.

So where does the sex thing come in? I think it comes in with Tim...but I'm not totally sure. I think sex is a little bit contagious. So when I am this way with Tim and his big dick gets all hard, it turns me on too.

I try to imagine doing this to a boy and he not get all excited like Tim and wonder if I'd get all totally special and I kinda don't think I would...but maybe. Maybe now that this is part of who I am. So not sure. Tim's my first boy.

I might like having a slave cause it would be so convenient. Yet don't think it would excite me the way Tim does. And it would not be nearly as satisfying if it was a robot obeying me. It's about controlling a man.

Sleepy head. Night-night

*

Dear Diary

Woke up with some thoughts about last night's entry.

It's kind of an old fashioned word, but what we do is wholesome. It really is. Smiles. It is good for us...healthy. When I think of that word, wholesome, I think of healthy and beautiful. There is a certain perfection in what we have. And I have a better idea of what really turns me on.

OK, so Tim likes being told what to do and I like telling him what to do. He gets turned on by being spoken down to and humiliated by me and I get turned on humiliating him...Oh and I have so much more to give him! SO much! Happy!

Spanking him and all other love-touches are super important too because they bring us so much closer together. It like aligns our souls or something. This is what he needs and it is what I enjoy giving him.

Knowing this makes me an expert in my own happiness.

What became clear to me as I woke up and lay in bed is that it comes down to power. I get turned on by power. I get off on having power over a man. Having power and control brings something to life inside of me that is wonderful and double-extra pretty. It is my happiness. This all brings my happiness to life.

I know at this point it's sort of like: no duh, Michele. Of course you like power. I just want all of it looked at and examined. I want all of it clearly understood.

And yes, I have a little mean streak and whipping Tim with words, forcing that pain onto him, making him take it is about power. God, that makes my pussy purr like a kitty. I feel wicked and that feels good.

It's going to be a beautiful day! Oh, and Halloween is going to be here soon and I cannot wait!

One last thing though: What we do is wholesome. It really is. When I browbeat Tim, when I humiliate him, it is beautiful and healthy and pretty and wholesome. I don't like the word humiliation because that is abuse. Yet when it is used by me with Tim, that word has a very different and extremely beautiful meaning.