The Perfect Beginning

Michele felt truly alive. 

And her young mind and body was rocked by a tectonic shift. It was profound but unsettling so she did not want to consider it. Things would never be the same. She did not want to even look at the impossible. She moved on to lighter, happier thoughts:

Slapped him like soooooooo good!  Oh my god!  And he took it!  

The girl almost could not believe her good fortune. Emotionally, she was peaking.

He was desperate not to see it, but with these words, his crush became.  If what had come before was emotional foreplay, this was conception.  With these beautiful  and potent words, she inseminated him. She fed him a loving spoonful of her spiritual semen and he swallowed.

Like a newly pregnant girl, neither was yet aware that little Michele had just impregnated his mind with her very potent seed.  Eventually he'd see it as a crush unaware that it would become so much more.  Sometimes pregnancy took a little while to realize.

Eventually, Michele would see it sooner than him and like a good, caring and responsible partner, she would carefully and strategically nurture his pregnancy and bring him to term.

"Tell me again how you felt when you saw her with that cute guy."  Now Michele was clearly leading and she intended to inch her way into new territory.  This all felt so amazingly good to the girl.  As he took from her this mean little barb, she visualized Tim as a horse and she as his rider. 

Aside from the emotional thrill this image engendered, it brought back the shocking physical reaction.  As she rode, she sank her spurs deep into his sides and she thrilled at his panic and fear and most of all, his acceptance of it all. 

He accepts it!  He lets me!  He lets me mount and ride him.  Mount him, oh my god! 

She discovered that she loved riding! In her imagination, she savored his fear and pain as she knew he could not get her off of him...and she knew a part of him did not want to.  Riding Tim felt good!  There was pleasure in having him beneath her and between her legs.

*

After a bit, Michele saw that her favorite show was almost on so she made her way to the living room.  Standing in the threshold between kitchen and living room, she realized she'd left her glass of water on the counter.  "Bring me my water."  As she turned for the living room, a thrill of excitement shot up her spine.  A smile spread across the young girl's face as she wondered who she was becoming. 

She realized she issued a command and almost trailed it with a please, but caught herself.  She didn't feel like catering to his feelings.

And if he actually brings it...!  

Tim was half way across the kitchen with Michele's water when he realized that he was given a command.  He knew he should have told Michele to screw off, ignored her or at least laughed off her little jest, but he told himself that he did not have the energy and besides, he was already up so it would just be easier to bring it to her.    

She let him hold it while she fiddled with the remote and smiled but did not say thank you when she took it from him.  It was kind of weird actually as Michele was accustomed to responding automatically with excellent manners.  Yet feeling as she did, behaving this way with Tim, was really fun...and surprisingly, felt natural.

It was like in the movies: she was the Princess and Tim was her servant.  Looking him dead in the eyes:

That's right, serving boy. Serve your Princess and don't you dare displease me!

She felt it again and was almost scared.

As she watched the young women on her show Menrose Place, she fixated on the most dramatic story line, the most improbable story line.  Alex, a drop dead gorgeous villain, walked all over the male characters of the show. Though she always liked this, she always thought it silly. It wasn't how the real world worked.

Interesting.

****

Dear Diary,

Tonight was VERY, like extremely interesting!!!  Is it possible this whole babysitting thing is going to work out?  I still hate, hate, HATE that word babysitter.  God, that is so annoying!  But it might actually be good just because now we get to hang out.  I don't know, it will depend on how things go. 

Tonight Tim told me he and Tiff broke up.  Super neat!  Love it!  Oh my god, that's so incredibly, wonderfully great!  LOVE IT!  Even more neat though was what happened afterward. 

OK, so Tiffany was/is a total bitch.  Nothing new there.  But then I kind of got the impression that Tim liked that.  Is that so amazing or what?  Could this be real?  Still seems so like...I don't know. 

So here I am working overtime it seems like my whole life, to be careful about what I say and be gentle and be nice and not be mean and to always think about people's feelings (especially ESPECIALLY boys) and I'm WAY too often not saying what I want to say so I can be a good person or something, I guess, and all along, the guy I like has a thing for another girl who's a total bitch. 

And it's not like he liked her and she happened to be a bitch, but more like he was into her because she was a bitch.  Like maybe the bitch part was what he needed the most?  Like what's up with that?  I soooooooooo have that in me! 

I mean, what does it mean to be a bitch?  Usually a bitch is just a woman who says what she thinks.  Where is the crime in that?  I sure don't dislike Tiffany.  I even respect her. 

When a guy is outspoken, he's a leader.  When  a woman is, it's supposed to be a bad thing.  Way worse if she's a girl.  So not cool.  Girls rock! 

So here it is diary, tonight I was kind of a bitch to Tim...and it was fun!  And not a little fun, but a LOT fun!  Super fun!  Big-Girl fun! 

And I swear he was OK with it.  Win!  And then I was OK with it.  It was strange because I knew I was not supposed to be a bitch but I was and it was good.  Saying that again: it was good! And then it was OK...for both of us.  I mean, like, acceptable. 

Breathing deeply.  It was more than good.  It felt natural and it felt right.  It was like I got to really be myself around a guy I like and it made things good between us.  It made things better!  It's like it felt so good and so right, it's like how it is supposed to be. 

Sooooooo badly want to keep doing it.  Like it's addictive!  Oh my god, and I bossed him around!  That was incredible!  I totally made him do what I wanted and I loved it!  I think I want to keep doing that. 

And I was not nice about it either.  I think not being nice made it more fun.  I'm a pretty good boss, if I do say so myself.  Doers do and bosses boss!  I Win! 

Totally wondering what things will be like tomorrow.  Will I win again?  Sometimes people can have a perfect moment.  Like you get with a person and everything is perfect.  Everything on the outside is just right.  The sun is shining but it's not too hot and the music seems like its all your favorite songs and you are laughing and loving your time with your friend.  And there is something on the inside that just feels so perfect.  Everything is warm and light. 

And then you have to go home because it's getting late and tomorrow is Monday and you have to go to school early and then that perfect moment is gone or only in your memory.  When you and your friend go back to the same place...things are just different and you can't get it back. 

So how will things be tomorrow?  Does he come tomorrow?  Check with Moms.  Things are kind of interesting...

Okay, now for the strangest part. Something impossible happened tonight and I totally can't explain it. I am kinda uncomfortable with it too. Like, should I feel bad?

Tonight, for the first time in my life, I felt sexual. I know, completely impossible. It's not like I'm not still on my blockers cuz I am. Good girls take their blockers and I'm a good girl. NEVER heard of anything like it!

But I know what I felt and I've never felt like that before. And it was POWERFUL. And girl did it feel GOOD! Oh my god! It was like my whole mind and body shifted to this amazing place and girl, I wanted to stay there! Laughing.

But how? Obviously some boys and girls stop taking them at 160. Okay. And I know that with a some 180s, 170s and fewer 160s, the blockers slowly stop working. Okay. But I'm only 123! How?!?! I'll need to look into this. I KNOW what I'm feeling...still feeling it, but is this even possible?

*

Later, as she lay in bed, Michele thought more about her evening with Tim. 

She remembered looking at his sad face and thinking how cool it would be if he cried.  However fascinating, she knew it would be a hollow joy.  It was one thing to see him cry, it was another to be the cause of his anguish. 

Though Michele knew it was wrong, she did not want a mere vicarious thrill, she wanted to be the cause of his tears, not Tiffany.  Consciously she recognized this was not a "good girl" thought and smiled. 

Then she took heart reminding herself that she was a participant and not merely a voyeur.  Tim was telling her of his drama, confiding in her, yet Michele was becoming a part of an experience, not just a passive listener.  She did not just get to listen to this juicy gossip, she got to participate a little. 

She thought about how she responded to Tim's pain with broad smiles, little smirks and at last, that comment about him being a crybaby and realized it was like getting to slap him with words and gestures; what's more, she realized it was her first truly sexual experience. 

That's kind of different...and kind of neat!  Sex is fun! 

She conjured an image of her little self reaching up and slapping Tim hard across the face. 

She could not help but smile as she lay beneath her blankets.  Being with him like this felt so intimate and special.  It was really like riding a big strong horse and getting to spur him over and over again. 

No wonder girls like horses so much! 

She smiled.  

Michele visualized: Physically he is much stronger than her, but psychologically, she is far superior to her cute, little horsey.  Psychically, she rides in triumph and with total confidence.  He squirms in pain beneath her as she digs her cute, little spurs into him but he can not unseat her as emotionally and mentally she is too clever by far and just too powerful for him. 

At first he struggles furiously and his pain, fear and wild bucking send the most beautiful, electric sensations into Michele's, taut, young body.  She adores his struggles and views his resistance as encouragement. 

Then ever so  slowly he comes to accept her mastery and in time learns to take comfort from it.  She breaks his will.  She is his master. 

And little horsey falls in love with me. 

For the first time in her life, Michele's hands trailed down between her legs, playing lighting over her cotton little-girl panties...

*

A mile away, Tim lay in bed thinking about his evening. 

Babysitting went nothing like he'd expected.  It was so good to have someone he could speak to about his depression.  It was embarrassing to share some of this with Michele, but she did give him the empathy he so needed.  And she was a good listener, she completely indulged him, even encouraged the conversation he needed to have.  

It was a little weird being told to fetch her water for her, but he did not really mind and besides that was just a one time thing, he was sure.  

Just playin'.

And for the first time, he noticed how cute Michele was getting.  She was clearly not old enough to date so he'd not allowed himself to see it until now but she was hot.  Her breast were small, really like hard, swollen nipples and no larger than A cups, but her butt was a shocker! 

He was rock hard before even getting in bed.  Now he realized it was because of Michele.  He definitely felt guilty after he got himself off thinking of her.  More disturbing was that he climaxed while he heard her strong and unusually deep voice in his head, "Fetch my water, my little crybaby." 

This was the first outward sign of his pregnancy yet since he'd never been pregnant, he had no idea.

By his early 160s, his natural physiological development exceeded the potency of the blockers. For those who stopped responding to the compound, it was understood that they would, until they died, function daily with what some thought of as an affliction, so powerful were the sexual urges.

In order to tamp down the sexual need, he continued to take the blockers and realized he might be taking them for the rest of his life.

And so it went.  Tim began fantasizing about Michele and became disturbed by what would become his sexual obsession with her.  He never thought about fucking her or her blowing him or any of what had been normal, run of the mill sexual fantasy for the boy.  She was simply too young to visualize in that way.  Yet his feelings were profoundly sexual and perhaps more disturbing than mere intercourse with an under-girl. 

He did his best not to think about any of it.

*

While sitting in chemistry, Tim's mind wandered.  They sat across from one another at Michele's kitchen table.  He was staring at her.  She looked up and smiled at him and he felt his whole body shiver.  They liked being together and it was natural.  The visual, the tiny movie was so pleasant that he could imagine it all day long.

****

The next day, things were pretty much the same.  Tim could not wait to get to Michele's so he could rip his chest open and show her his beating heart.  Michele was no less thrilled with it all and was even more of a bitch than she was the day before.  Although very self conscious of her feelings and behavior, surprisingly it continued to feel totally natural.  She knew she was being extremely haughty with Tim and it didn't just feel good, it felt right.  

Here and now, I get to be me.  The pure me, without compromise. 

It was incredibly liberating and surprisingly intoxicating.  The girl had never considered that when socially engaged, on any level, just how much of herself she held back. 

Not now!

She made a conscious effort to stop judging herself.  She told herself that what was happening here was a little different.  In her house and with Tim here, normal rules did not apply and that it was alright, it was good.  

And there was some gamesmanship to it. 

Gameswomanship?  Funny. 

She was amazed and delighted that she could recapture that perfect moment she thought so elusive.  She thought of her house as the "Magic Playground."

And it has golden light. 

It was a playground because she still felt like a little girl, but she was having big girl fun.  She was in a place that was between childhood and adulthood and it was unique, wondrous and exhilarating.  She was getting to enjoy adult discovery in the most playful way.  She smiled a lot and she felt her life was getting back to a joyful place.

Soon it was so comfortable to her, she stopped thinking about being a bitch and just became the Bitch. She often laughed at Tim's little vignettes, his pain and embarrassment, which of course amplified all Tim's shame. 

Quickly she became aware of the rules. She threw in plenty of "Oh, you poor baby"s and "Oh my goodness, that's terrible!"s because intuitively, she knew she was walking a fine line and did not want to push too hard...too soon.  This was were the gameswomanship came in. 

She was riding an intellectual, emotional and physical high.  Just below conscious consideration, she felt like she might be on top of something big. 

She loved his shame. 

It drains his power! 

She wanted more and more but she had to temper herself.  She enjoyed all the play and discovery so much and did not want Tim to turn it off because she stopped putting on the pretense of helping him. And she did too want to help him. 

There was some sort of tacit negotiation happening here that required a measured balance of sorts, in order to keep it heading in the right direction. Her pacing needed to be right.  She wanted to will this into permanence or at least continuance if at all possible.

She laughed to herself when she thought of him as the girl she wanted to score with but knew she had to pace it all.

I'm the hunter! 

On some level, she knew she had to make it alright with him to let her share her cruelty with him. 

She quickly dismissed the notion of "cruelty" and told herself she was just having fun.  He needed to talk to her, but her reaction did sting him and his confusion was just adorable, and the drama, the rush of emotion was sooooo amazingly compelling to her.  

Michele began this next day valuing their interaction as, among other things, a sexual activity.  She wondered if what she'd experienced the other day was some sort of freak anomaly and that going forward, things would go back to normal. Yet just by thinking in this new way, considering how she wanted to interact with Tim, the sexual feelings rushed up on and through her mind and body.

Once more, she was riding him emotionally and it aroused her profoundly.  She smiled as she visualized herself mounting Tim. 

Saddle up, Girl!  Take mount. 

She felt so sensuous but also joyous.

She was a little uncomfortable with it because on the surface, it seemed wrong, but she loved toying with his emotions.  It was wondrous to her as she felt like she was exploring a whole new sort of playground.  She knew she was edging onto the adult playground. 

She felt currents of alternating warm and cool air rushing over the curves of her hard, young body.  Her mind was alight with pleasure every time she stoked his pain.

His cute, hurt little feelings are the prettiest! 

It was somehow multiplied or compounded when she watched him take in her pleasure from it all because it made it more of an intimate, shared experiencing. 

Michelle would say some delightfully cruel or amazingly bossy thing while looking him right in the eye and marveled at the cute, little hurt break all over his face, sometimes all over his body and he'd have to look down in shame.  She knew it stung, but she knew he was getting off on it all too.  To Michele the titillation was addictive. 

How much better would it be if I could make him cry? 

She visualized them quietly sharing the moment as they admired one another at nearly kissing distance.  She'd just done or said enough to cause a tear to stream down one of his cheeks.  He admired her as she smiled warmly and somehow gleefully at his pain, pain she'd caused him. 

She viewed this as real emotional bonding. And it brought with it a pleasure that took over her entire body.

Togetherness! Yes, yes! Cry for me! I'm making you cry. Me. And you see how happy your pain makes me, but you take it. You take it for me.

The idea made her feel pretty.

Michele seemed to want to help him understand his situation. "You totally remind me of Kimberly, this girl at my school who's always crying because of her boyfriend.  He treats her like poo and she can't get enough of him.  You're just like her.  If you were a girl, you'd be like sisters or something."  Michele laughed. 

"I mean, you are embarrassed... aren't you?" she asked him with a smile and bated breath.  

"Umm, yeah," Tim said quietly looking at the floor. 

"Speak up, I can't hear you," she said sharply.  

With irritation and quiet, defensive, anger, "I said, yes!  God, Michele!"

She knew it was time to push.  "Oh really?  You're going to get an attitude with me?" she said crossly.  "I'm trying to help you as a friend and your are going to get bitchy?  Then forget it!  Forget you!  You can just suffer by yourself for all I care."  

Bitchy?

Michele realized her unique position.  She was behaving in a very natural, but new way with someone who was becoming more and more important to her, if for no other reason than he presented an unexpected and thrilling growth opportunity to her.