The Right One

The conversation swings to an erratic beat. I perform my part and bring up silly stories involving my boss. He listens attentively. Almost detached. It isn't until he asks questions about my current position that I feel like things are getting back to normal. He mentions Sheila and Mel and then the other employees that were at the retreat.

I learn about his career in the hospitality industry and how he ended up working in headquarters. How he has poured his life and soul into his current position and wants nothing more than this program he helped create to become a success. He has a real connection to it and all the good it can bring future employees. The passionate side of him shines through his hazel eyes. It is mesmerizing.

"May I join you for another drink?" He motions to my empty glass.

I nod and watch as he orders us another round.

We become more comfortable. Talking about our past jobs and how we ended up where we are. I don't get into the specifics. He doesn't push. As time passes and the last of the sun's reflection bleeds through the restaurant windows, we laugh a little more. He begins to open up about his friendship with Rupert and then it is his turn to feed me some funny stories.

I cut myself off after the second drink and so does he. He pays the bill, not even letting me think for a second that I have a choice. He pulls my chair out and walks with me to wait for an elevator. He does not say anything inappropriate or give me any looks that could be blamed on the alcohol. He keeps his distance and keeps his hands behind himself.

"Thank you for tonight, Leila." He ushers me into the elevator but stays behind.

"You're not going to your room?" I wait to press on the silver number three.

"Not yet," He bows his head and then paces back out to the lobby.

Maybe he does have a girlfriend.

<<<>>>

My life picks up right where it left off.

Wearing my uniform, clocking into work, and sharing my experience with Rupert and the rest of my team. Going home after work to cook and clean and prepare for the next day. Sitting next to Hank and giving him a hand job or a blow job to get him off my back. Pretend to enjoy watching his T.V. shows and pretend even harder like there is nothing else going on in the back of my mind.

I watch him as he stares down at his phone while we eat. I listen to the silence between us because he doesn't ask how my day went and he can't be bothered to share what he does at work. There are no funny stories about coworkers or any noteworthy tasks he's handling. He uses me for sex in the middle of the night and considers that enough intimacy to last us at least two or three weeks.

I meet with Maggie and Travis at least once a week. Sometimes with Hank, sometimes without him. It doesn't really make a difference. They tolerate him and his need to be glued to his phone. He complains about my boring friends and speculates how long they will continue to be together. The weeks that turn into months make it harder and harder to find reasons for keeping up the arrangement between us.

Because the word relationship doesn't seem to apply to us anymore.

It all becomes glaringly apparent when Rupert calls me to his office after work one evening.

I knock three times before being invited in and stop dead in my tracks. Ethan stands from his chair and gives me the warm and friendly smile he always has in his back pocket.

"Leila, it is such a pleasure to see you again." He extends his hand.

Rupert stands as well and motions for me to sit.

My face burns bright at the contact with Ethan. His eyes take in my blush with the same candor as they did before.

I stay standing, keeping my hand on the door handle for support. The feelings rush into my stomach, drooping down my legs. Ethan is here. I would be lying if I said that I haven't thought about him a few times since being back. But I mostly just wondered if my reactions to being around him were as weird as I remember. The fluttering in my stomach reassures me that they indeed were. They were as odd as they were real.

I manage to mumble a greeting before looking at Rupert once my hand is no longer in Ethan's. "You needed me, boss?"

His face falls slightly but he quickly recovers. "I thought you would like to say hi to Ethan since he's only visiting for a few days."

I wish I could ignore the giant man standing in front of Rupert's desk but I can't. "Are you here on business?"

"Pleasure, actually." He points out his casual wear. "Just wanted to pay my old friend a visit."

I'm sure my smile isn't quite as natural as he has seen in the past but is it normal to feel as if I am suffocating by being in his presence?

"Well, I hope you have a lovely time." I take a step back. "I should be heading out now."

"Wait," Rupert walks over to stand between us. "I was going to ask if you could do me a big favor."

I hang on to the door with more force.

"Since Ethan's visit was such short notice, I, unfortunately, cannot join him for dinner tonight. I figured since you two already know each other, maybe you could keep him company." He pats his old friend on the back. "I promise he won't bite."

My chuckle feels forced. "I would see if that is okay with my boyfriend, of course." My cheeks may be differing shades of red by now. I don't remember if Ethan was aware there was a boyfriend.

"Of course," Ethan nods. "He is more than welcome to join us. The more the merrier." He digs into his pockets and pulls out his wallet. He hands me a card with his information on it. "Just shoot me a text and I can give you the details if you are available."

I nod and then excuse myself as fast as humanly possible.

>>>

Hank pauses his video game to look up at me.

It must be very serious if he is willing to stop his game for even a second. "I just think it's weird. Why should you have to be the one to go to dinner with him?"

I throw on my black pumps and check my hair once more in the mirror.

"I told you that you could come too." I brush my hair behind my ear. The dress is tighter than the usual ones I wear. It also shows off my neck in an elegant manner. Should I tone it down? Why are my nerves eating me up? It is just dinner. It would be much easier to get through it if Hank would have accepted the invitation.

"You knew I had a game night with the boys tonight. Why can't we do it tomorrow?" He unpauses his game, practically done with our conversation.

"It is a favor to my boss. He doesn't need my help tomorrow. Just tonight." I lean over and kiss him on the head.

"Bring me back some leftovers." His eyes don't stray from his screen.

>>>

Ethan waits for me outside of the restaurant.

I walk up to him and give him a small wave. He's wearing a casual button-down with slacks. I think it is meant to be more casual than not but he can wear whatever he likes and it will still look like the most expensive thing in the room. He is careful not to touch me as he guides me to our table. I feel his hand near the bottom of my spine but it just hovers.

"I ordered us a drink if that is okay with you." He sits across from me.

"That is very thoughtful." I take a sip of the old fashion and hum in appreciation.

His eyes fall to my neck and for the first time, they don't jump immediately back to my eyes as they have done so in the past. The blush starts at my chest this time and I clear my throat. I almost shiver in response to his gaze.

"So, what brings you into town?" I take another sip, remembering how much better I was at conversing with him when I had alcohol in my system.

"I have an aunt that lives here. And I thought it would be nice to see Rupert again. Our conversation really made me miss him." He sips his drink thoughtfully.

"And yet, he pushed your quality time onto me."

He chuckles slightly. "That is a pretty good alternative if you ask me."

Our waitress comes to take our order and I notice her eyes falling on Ethan a lot more times. He does do more of the talking so I don't think anything of it. But then she leans over a little too close to point out something on the menu and I finish my drink in one gulp.

"Would you like another?" There is a ghost of a smile on his lips.

I nod.

The waitress continues to talk to him, enjoying his attention.

Been there, sister.

"I was married once." Ethan interrupts my train of thought when she leaves.

I feel my eyes widen.

"She absolutely loathed when I talked the waitress' ear off." He explains.

More like, she hated the thought of you flirting with the waitstaff.

"Is that why you two are no longer together?" I really wish I had more of my drink.

"Among other things." He is vague this time. Something I'm not used to with him.

Ever since I met him, he has been the same honest and open person that doesn't like to lead with ambiguity. He's like an open book that will share anything if only asked. I guess exes are a sore topic for us both.

"Did your boyfriend have plans tonight?"

"Yes." I look around, avoiding his stare.

"How long have you two been together?"

"One year." I try to sit more comfortably.

"You live together?" He cocks his head.

"Yes."

The waitress returns with a drink for me and more giggles for him. I try to slow down my drinking until the food arrives.

"Are you seeing anyone?" I blurt out. Because there is nothing in my stomach to soak up the last drink I practically chugged. One more of those and I won't have a filter.

"I am not." He leans back, comfortably.

"Why not?"

"Haven't found the right one." He shrugs.

As if that is a normal response for someone like him. Someone who can talk panties off a nun. Someone who has women over the age of 18 turn into putty in his hands. All he has to do is walk outside and throw a rock somewhere to find the first available woman to take to bed. Finding someone isn't the hard part.

"You believe in finding 'the one'?" I want to laugh.

"You don't?" He is surprised.

"No."

"How jaded of you." He teases. His smile doesn't make my heart flutter. It actually makes me upset.

"There is no such thing." I turn away, trying not to raise my chin in defiance.

We're interrupted by our food. I dig into my pasta, hoping the carbs can help offset the liquor in my system. I'm getting bold and that isn't good for either of us. I eat more garlic bread, beating myself up for drinking. Thankfully, he doesn't ask me any more questions while we eat.

Instead, he waits until I'm completely done to make a statement.

"That must mean you haven't found the right one for you." He's not shy about his words. He says them with resolve and watches my reaction.

"I did." I correct him. He doesn't say anything. "Turns out he didn't feel the same."

"Hmm." He sits back and then motions for the waitress to bring the check.

We don't say another word. The waitress is disillusioned by Ethan's change of mood and I hate myself for enjoying it a bit. He's no longer putting on a show or trying to charm her. He pulls my chair back and follows me out the door after paying the bill. We walk to the end of the block and then we face each other.

"Thank you for spending the evening with me." He puts his hands in his pockets.

The alcohol in my veins makes my lips go numb for a moment. I wonder what it would be like to rub my numb lips against Ethan's. Would I be able to feel that?

"Get home safe. Text me when you arrive." He turns and begins to walk away.

"What are you doing?" I frown at his retreating figure.

He stops but doesn't turn around.

"Kiss me!" I demand in anger.

He turns back, confused at my outburst. "What?"

"Isn't that why I came out to dine with you? To figure out if there is something here?" I motion between us.

"Is it?" He stays in place.

"Oh, fuck off." I turn away and march back the way I came.

There are real tears in my eyes on the drive back home.

>>>

My tears only continue to get worse the closer I get to my place.

Hank doesn't look up from his game when I slam the door behind me. I kick off my shoes and listen to him talk tactics with whoever else he's playing with online. My insides are trembling with anxiety as the gravity of my situation falls at my feet. I cry harder when I go to bed alone because I failed to bring up my issues to Hank and he is still playing video games with his friends.

If only I hadn't gone out tonight. Did I really need Ethan to comment on my life? Why does he feel so confident in saying I haven't found the right one yet? What a prick. What right does he have to give me his two cents when I don't even want one? Just because he can afford to give them, doesn't mean he should.

The worst part is that I can't stop thinking about our conversation. I'm second-guessing sleeping in my bed tonight. The guilt of asking someone other than Hank to kiss me eats me up inside. He doesn't deserve that. No matter where we are in our relationship it is extremely disrespectful to behave the way I did tonight. Even if Ethan was right about my current relationship, there is no excuse for the way I acted.

The changes that I want in my life have to start with me. I have to speak up. Get all of the bad thoughts and negative feelings out. I need to sit down with Hank and we need to work through this together. I shouldn't have needed to come to the conclusion by way of someone else, but it is better to think about where I want to be and not where I currently am.

Complaining about the lack of love in my life isn't going to get me anywhere.

<<<>>>

There wasn't a chance to talk to Hank before I left for work.

He was sleeping in bed, after playing video games until 3 in the morning and I'm not sure if he will even go to work today. I opt to send him a short text asking to have a conversation this afternoon. Knowing him, he's not sweating it much. I often ask to have conversations but they're usually about minor things that I shouldn't have to ask for. He probably thinks we'll talk about chores or something else I've nagged him about in the past.

I gnaw at my lip throughout the day, dreading the moment when I have to go home and face him. My mind is elsewhere as I check guests in and train a new employee on our system. I do an okay job, but my coworkers notice I'm not on top of things like usual. How can I pretend that everything is normal when I feel anything but?

My thoughts are still far away when Ethan pops up at the side entrance of the building. What are the chances that he catches me right as I'm about to head out? He's wearing jeans and a plain T-shirt today. His hair is pushed back, wet. His smile is wide, no traces of our conversation from last night anywhere on his person.

"Hi Leila, heading home already?"

"Hi Ethan. Yes." I dig my keys out of my bag and point back to the door behind me. "Rupert is in his office."

"Actually, I'm here to see you." He follows me to the parking garage.

"Me?" I stop walking and face him.

"Yes," He nods, his eyes assessing my own. "You never texted when you got home. Just wanted to make sure you are in one piece."

I notice hints of yellow specks around his irises. The setting sunlight causes them to look brighter than usual.

I frown up at him.

"I also wanted to apologize for speaking out of turn yesterday." He raises his hand up slightly. "I didn't mean to intrude."

I nod and cross my arms. "My boyfriend and I are perfectly fine together."

He opens his mouth to speak and then thinks twice about it.

"What?" I start breathing hard. My stomach starts to knot the longer he stares.

"That is why I couldn't kiss you last night." He shrugs. "I don't make a habit of kissing women in relationships."

It is like a punch to the gut. All the thoughts and feelings I had when I caught my ex with his lover rush front and center. There are unshed tears behind my eyes and I blink them back. I would never want Hank to feel the way I did. I would never wish that upon my worst enemy. How was Ethan able to see that so clearly and I needed it spelled out?

"Thank you. And goodbye." I keep walking toward the garage, glad that he doesn't follow.

>>>

Maggie greets me on her front porch.

She has on some overalls with dried paint. She was probably working on some painting before I rudely interrupted.

We sit back on her cushioned seats, waiting for Travis to get home. She is talking my ear off about her future mother-in-law and I pretend to have opinions. We both know this isn't a social call. Our hang-out days are on the weekend. Not a Wednesday afternoon. I don't just pop in without announcing something. She is kind enough to give me a moment to get comfortable though.

"I don't think I can wait for Travis to get home." I turn to look at her. My voice gets thick. "I think I need to break up with Hank."

"Oh, sweetie." She gets up from her seat and rushes in to hug me. "I'm sorry to hear that."

I laugh through my tears. "You're not that sad."

She laughs as well. "It is the polite thing to say when a friend announces something like that."

I continue to hug her and talk about how I've been feeling since the trip. It's getting harder and harder to ignore my needs and wants. Hank and I are on totally different pages and I'm no longer okay with that. I thought it was what I wanted, but maybe I want more now. Or maybe I need to be alone again and figure out what I truly want for myself. It is also extremely wrong to have almost cheated on him just because I was unhappy.

She stops me there.

"You did what?" She pulls back from her hug and sits back in her seat.

"I know!" I cover my face with my arms. "I almost cheated on him. How could I be so heartless?"

She shakes her head. "You're human, mistakes are bound to happen. It sounds like you didn't actually follow through though."

"Not by choice." My ears burn. It hurts to admit that out loud but I have to hold myself accountable.

She raises an eyebrow. "Someone shot you down?"

I roll my eyes. "Someone was the voice of reason when I acted without thinking."

"Who is this someone?" The excitement in her eyes only makes me feel worse.

I shake my head. "No one important. What matters now is how am I going to tell Hank about it."

"You're going to tell him about a kiss that never happened?" She frowns.

"I wanted to kiss someone else. He deserves to know." I can't believe I have to say it out loud.

"Why? So that your conscience can be cleared?" She crosses her arms.

"He has a right to know the truth."

"What is the point in telling him that you almost cheated on him right before you break up with him?" Her foot begins to tap against the wooden boards. "All I'm saying is hurting him even more just to get over your guilt seems unreasonable. You are a grown woman who may have had a moment of weakness but you didn't cheat. Not officially. And that fact that you're breaking things off with him shows you're emotionally mature enough to hold yourself responsible."

I shake my head but don't bother arguing anymore.

There will be enough of that this afternoon.

>>>

The conversation goes about as smoothly as I could have imagined.

There is a lot of arguing. Pointing fingers. Even cursing. All of that before I even have a chance to bring up the almost kiss. After I do, there is silence. Where at first, we argued about the chores and the lack of quality time we spend together, the almost kiss opens up a whole other floodgate I was unaware of.

"How could you cheat on me?" He starts pacing across our living room. There is no hurt in his words, just anger.

"I didn't cheat," I say, lamely.

"But you wanted to!" He points a finger at me. "I was here at home, waiting around for you like an idiot while you fucked off with some other guy."