The Student

After the little greeting session, they all fell into their respective projects. All wanted assistance, and I was busy for a large part of the class, just going from student to student.

Leah had started a new painting, this time, a portrait. I watched as she laid out the basics, her phone in one hand, brush in the other. "A friend of yours?" I asked.

Glancing back at me, she replied. "Sister."

'Golly, that I would never have suspected. You are very different people."

"Yeah, she's the good girl. I'm the black sheep."

"Really? I would never have guessed."

"Don't be peevish; it doesn't suit you. I'm sorry about the other night."

Looking around the class, I muttered, "Not here, Leah. This is not the time or place."

She screwed up her face and poked her tongue out at me. I walked away, her childish gesture making me snigger.

The class went well, my time spread pretty evenly around the group, and every time I walked past Leah, I watched in awe as her portrait came to life. The seascape had been nice, but this was a whole different level. For somebody who claimed they had no instruction, her technique was excellent.

At the end, we gathered around the kitchen facilities for a hot drink before sliding out into the howling Wellington southerly. They all started to trickle away, and I started my usual clearing up.

There was Leah, again staying behind to help. "Leah, you don't have to do this. I'm quite all right by myself."

"Many hands, Audrey."

As we finished up, she asked. "Would you like a drink?"

"I'm not sure that's wise. I'm feeling a little tired tonight."

"You are not. If you don't like me say so. We are adults, but don't pretend."

"Leah, it's not that simple, you are my student."

"Oh, for gods sake. It's not a proper class; there's nothing to be gained from me buying you a drink. It's not like there are marks at stake. No exams, and honestly, it's just a drink."

"Fine, I could use a drink. One of my students has been very hard to deal with."

She giggled mockingly. "Told you I was the black sheep."

At the same pub as last time, we found a quiet corner among the revellers. Leah went straight to the bar and returned with drinks.

"Why did you lie to me about your job?" she said in a light but accusing tone.

The immediate assault shook me. "I don't always tell people I am a Barrister, because it often makes them uncomfortable."

"Why?" she snorted disbelievingly.

"You might not be aware, but we are not viewed that well by the general public. Somebody once said to me, you're worse than bloody car salesmen."

"So you just lie about it?"

"Depends on the situation. Leah, you are my student. I know it may not be in a formal sense, but to me, the rules still apply. It's not important that you know what I do away from the class."

"It's important to me. I like you and was hoping we could become friends."

That stunned me; her presence again tonight made me nervous, she ignited thoughts in my head I should not be having. "I'm not sure that's possible, Leah. We are years apart in age, and I'm sure our interests are completely different."

"How do you know? You've never even asked me about what I like." She sipped her wine slowly, before saying softly. "Um, sorry about your partner. That must have been very sad."

"How the hell did you find out about that?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to dredge up old wounds. I was intrigued. I really like you."

"My life is none of your blasted business, Leah. I don't expect my students to be prying into my personal life."

Haughtily, she snapped, "I said I was sorry; I just wanted to know more about you."

We sat silently, sipping our wine. My mind spun wickedly. "What the hell was this girls problem, or motive?" I didn't know her from a bar of soap. She was pretty and intoxicating, but it seemed implausible that she was interested.

"I have seen some of your work," she stated proudly. "There are several works on display in the, New Zealand Portrait Gallery, on Lady Elizabeth Lane."

"What are you doing, Leah, what is this all about?" I spun my empty glass in my fingers as I stared at her.

"I'm trying to get to know you. I like you. They're very good by the way. I love them all."

"Thanks." I mumbled, trying in vain to figure out her motives.

The portrait you have in the McLeavey Gallery, on Cuba Street. My god, that is wonderful. I couldn't believe it. I was spellbound. Is that really your mother?"

"Yes, I painted that a long time ago."

"Doesn't take away it's beauty. I think it's stunning. Not half as stunning as the price, though."

I was still playing with my glass, so she grabbed it and stood to walk to the bar. Watching her walk, was a special treat. She moved easily, her steps light, her hips swaying seductively.

She chatted idly at the bar waiting to be served. She was that sort of creature, alluring and beguiling. When she returned, I watched in fascination at the looks of desire on the faces of the men at the bar. They were as deeply affected by her aura as was I.

She sat, passed me my wine and dived straight back into her interrogation. "Your partner, were you together long?"

"Ten years."

"Wow, you must have loved her dearly?"

The memories, the images. Even now they still manifested in my mind. "Yes, she was special."

"How did she die?"

"Cancer, and it was so sudden. It took us both by surprise."

"I'm sorry, it must have been terrible."

"Yes, but she's in a better place now."

"Have you always been a lesbian?"

The question stunned me. "What did you say?" I asked in amazement.

"Sorry, that sounded wrong. What I meant was. Did you always know, or was Rosalyn the one?"

"Leah, this is getting very personal."

"I know, but how else can I find out? I like you, and I'm interested."

"What do you mean interested?" I spluttered. Suspicious of where this was going.

"Audrey, you are an amazing woman, and I'm incredibly attracted to you. I want to know everything everything about you. I want to be more than a friend."

I gulped my wine in one huge swallow. I'm sure my face must have been bright red. I felt light headed and flushed. My pulse raced, her words arousing me, exciting me. She was so young, so beautiful.

"Leah, this is moving too quickly. I don't even know you."

"Audrey, I know this is weird, but I feel an attraction, a connection of some sort. You must feel it. You're all I have been able to think about since last week. That's why I dug into your personal details. I felt a connection, all I wanted was to find out a little about you."

"Well, you certainly managed that."

She finished her glass, and before I could say anything, she gushed, "Could we go back to your place?"

When I didn't respond, her words were still circulating around inside my head as I tried to process them. She said, with a teasing lilt, "You did say you would show me your studio."

"No, I didn't. You asked if you could see it."

"Same diff, babe. It would be nice to be able to talk privately."

"Yes, I suppose so. But it's late, and I have work in the morning."

"I won't keep you out of bed for long." Was that a giggle? God she infuriated me.

Outside, in the Wellington wind, I turned to walk towards home. She grabbed my arm. "I have to get my car from the church. We could drive?"

With a sigh of resignation, we walked into the biting wind. She snuck in close, her arm sliding through mine, my hands deep in my jacket pocket.

"It's the only thing I hate about Wellington. This awful wind."

"Yes, it can be annoying, specially this time of year." I was quite happy to climb into her car; at least it was out of the lazy wind.

I looked around her car, the tattered upholstery, the back seat littered with empty disposable coffee cups, what looked like a gym bag and her pile of canvases.

She caught me staring, and apologised with a titter. "Sorry, the car's my second home."

She turned into Glasgow street, and I realised, she knew where she was going. That frightened me, a little. Exactly how much of a stalker was this girl?"

She wound her way up to Central terrace and pulled up outside my little cottage. It never ceased to amaze me. Every time I arrived home, I marvelled that this was my home.

The little home was an old turn-of-the-century cottage. Ros and I spent years renovating the house. Surrounded by modern homes, it stood out like a beacon. We kept all of the original features. It was old and run down when we bought it. Now, finished, she looked beautiful.

Even Leah seemed impressed. "Wow, this is awesome. I found your address, but I wasn't expecting this."

"You certainly did your research. Scary really, I was wondering whether I should notify the police."

She giggled, that delightfully melodic tinkling laugh. "I'm not going to stalk you, well, not in a bad way."

Inside, Leah again gasped. It was a bit like stepping back in time. The foyer had the original ceramic tile floor, ten-foot ceilings, and the walls were full of Ros' paintings. Apart from the house, her art work was my last connection to her. Each piece had it's own lighting to highlight it, focus attention.

We walked through into the living room, and again, it was decorated to match the style of the house. I left Leah as she took in all the artwork: this room had a collection of my own creations on display.

I found a nice bottle of Church Road Merlot. As I poured us a glass, Leah wandered in with a big smile on her face. "Your home, it's beautiful. Are the paintings in the lounge Rosalyn?"

"Yes, I'm afraid there are many around the house."

"She was a beautiful woman; I can see why you loved her."

"I loved her for who she was, her beauty was more than skin deep. She was a truly remarkable caring, loving woman. She loved life, loved being part of humanity."

"It shows through, maybe because you loved her, but that painting in the lounge, that captures all of those qualities. You are an amazing artist, Audrey."

"Thank you." I sighed. "I appreciate the compliment."

She accepted the glass, taking a small sip. "Oh, heaven... That is delicious."

I escorted her into the living room, and we sat side by side on the chesterfield.

"Audrey, why don't you just paint? You're good enough."

"I like my job. Now I choose my clients. I'm trying to follow up on work that Ros started. All she wanted to do was help people."

"Commendable, she must have been quite a woman."

"Yes, she set the bar pretty high."

She dropped her eyes, staring intently at the floor before asking. "Has there been anyone else since?"

"No, She was my one true love. I'm scared that everything else will seem trite, uninteresting."

"You think there can be only one? Don't you think that's being unfair to the rest of the world?"

"You are young, Leah. When the right person comes along, you will see. Once your heart belongs to somebody who completes and fulfils you, moving on is not an option."

"And yet you invited me back here, knowing that I am interested in you." It was a statement, a challenge.

Scowling, I whispered. "Actually, you invited you. It wasn't me."

"You promised to show me your studio."

With a deep sigh of resignation, I stood. "Yes, I suppose I did." She stood beside me, her glass empty. "Could I have another?"

"Yes, the bottle is on the bench. Help yourself."

"What about you? Are you going to join me?" I finished the swirling liquid and handed it to her.

With full glasses, I led her to the back of the house.

"Oh my god... It's amazing," she gasped.

"It is my favourite place in the world."

"I can see why. How many paintings do you have here? There must be nearly a hundred, at least."

That's when her eyes fell on the painting on my easel. "Bugger." My mind screamed. I tried to intercept her, but she stood in front of the canvas, looking at her portrait.

Her hand came up covering her mouth in shock. "Wow, now that's bloody awesome."

"Glad you like it," I spluttered.

"Audrey, it's fabulous, how did you do that? Is it from a photo?"

"No, just memory."

"Golly, it's perfect, my eye colour, even my earrings."

Before I could stop her, she was in my arms, her lips on mine. The kiss was brief, just a caress, lips grazing. Her arms slid around my waist as she held tightly, trying not to spill the wine.

"Audrey, it's beyond wonderful."

"It's yours if you want it. Just something I was playing with."

"Really, no I couldn't."

She poked around my studio, flicked through some stacked canvases. Always stopping to evaluate and it was hard to escape her judgmental eye.

As she stood, her glass raised and it was gone. She moved slowly, seductively, damn, the sway of her hips, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. The distance closed, and we were only centimetres apart, her eyes staring into mine. "Audrey, I was serious earlier. I like you, I want more than friendship."

Her arms came up to settle on my upper arms, rubbing slowly, her eyes boring into me. "I know you've at least thought about me, the painting says a lot."

"Leah, you are a very beautiful young woman, and I won't pretend that I didn't notice. But you're young, you have your whole life ahead of you. I don't do the casual sex thing. Sex is part of love, and I don't separate them."

"But, how would we know there isn't love?"

"Because, love comes first. Sex is how we physically connect. Our minds must have already made that connection. That's how this works for me."

"Then why the painting?"

"You are a beautiful, vibrant, intoxicating young woman. You aroused something inside me. It's been dormant for a while, you let me know that parts of me are still alive."

She inched closer. "Can we at least kiss? At least let me experience that."

As if I could stop her. She dropped her empty glass on the rug, her arms circling my neck. Her face moved ever closer, her moist full lips closing in on mine. Her eyes, god, those beautiful eye.

Her head tilted, our breasts touched, her searing heat radiated through her dress. Her breath, the fruity aroma of the Merlot condensing, the weight of her arms drawing us ever closer.

A spell, I was under some sort of witch's sorcery. I was trapped, drawn in, my head tilted to accept the now inevitable kiss.

The moment our lips touched, I could taste the Merlot, I was cloaked in her scent. The feel of her lips on mine, moist, so very full smooth yet textured. Our breath mingled, her lips pushed, and my mouth opened to accept her tongue.

It slithered inquisitively, sliding deliciously over my teeth, circulating, searching out my own tongue.

The moment they touched, I felt the shock, little tingling jolts of electricity exploding, the tingles growing, our tongues playfully swirling and cavorting. I felt my arms slide around her waist, and we melded together, our bodies one.

I felt her heart pounding, wait, or was it mine? It didn't matter, we were as one. Her breasts rising and falling, we both stumbled, light headed and euphoric. Her legs moved to steady us, and I closed my leg to trap hers between mine.

We separated, gasping. Our eyes met, and the hunger devoured me. God, I wanted this more than I could express, but even as we stood in each others arms, the reality of what we were doing seeped in. As my eyes opened, there was Ros' portrait that I painted, staring down at me. In a cold rush, the euphoria was gone, replaced by guilt... and it weighed me down.

Stepping back, I pushed Leah away. "I'm sorry, Leah, that shouldn't have happened."

Stunned by my sudden change, she spluttered, "What, two seconds ago you were into it. I felt it. You can say what you like, but you enjoyed that as much as I did."

"Leah, that isn't who I am. I'm sorry, I know better. I think you should leave."

"But..."

"No, you have to leave. I can't do this. It's not who I am."

She sighed, knelt down to pick up the glass she dropped. Our hands touched as she handed it to me, and the tingling made me snatch my hand away.

As she pulled on her jacket and slung her handbag over her shoulder, she said, apologetically. "I don't know what happened, Audrey, but I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt or insult you. I just feel this enormous connection. I felt it the very first night. There is something there, and I want to explore that."

"There is nothing, it was alcohol, I'm sorry, also. If I gave you the wrong impression, I apologise."

I watched as she climbed into her little car and sped away. I closed the door quickly, the bitter evil wind biting at every part of my body. With the door closed, I slid down until my knees were touching my chin, my arms wrapped tightly.

"Bugger, what a fool. Why did I kiss her... let her kiss me?

When I opened my eyes, there was Rosalyn, her beautiful features, her piercing eyes staring down at me. The overwhelming sense of guilt drove me to bed and the darkness. At least I could hide in the darkness.

I suppose, in hindsight, I should have thanked Leah. She, if nothing else, stirred in me emotions I had long since suppressed. Desire, hunger, arousal... Since, Ros's death, I had tried to keep them buried, repressed. I couldn't stand the thought of being with somebody else, or of her seeing me with somebody else. It seemed incomprehensible, that I could share those feelings with somebody else.

I absolutely hated the thought that she would think I had replaced her... She was my one and only...

Now, Leah had dragged me into the present, I felt things and I had to be honest with myself. I wasn't dead... I had never really come to grips with her passing. The last months of her life were horrid. She wanted to die at home, and I supported that. It meant rearranging everything, but she became the centre of our home. I closed the practice and stayed with her every single waking hour. I nursed her, held her hand. Wiped her eyes, and other things. We cried, and we hugged.

Until you go through that heartache, it is impossible to explain. Every day, as a little more of her died, I also died a little inside. My heart, my soul slowly shredded, words alone can never explain, I died from the inside out. At the end, she was so heavily medicated that nothing she said made sense, but when she asked me to promise I was hers, and only hers, I made that pledge.

Then, the battle with her parents began, and all the fight was slowly sucked out of me...

Leah had roused me from my dormancy. Looking in the mirror, I saw a pale sad reflection of who I was. I still had much to offer, I was young, successful, financially stable. Okay, I needed a trip to the hair salon and I could use some pampering, but I was still attractive. I'm not vain, but clever enough to know I am attractive. My figure, giving my tummy a squeeze, hmmm. Yes, I should probably start a gym membership or go back to playing sports. All in all, though, I was still attractive.

Monday, I left work early, I wanted to walk down to the waterfront. It's where Ros and I went for lunch on days when we could both get away. Sitting on the concrete fence on Oriental parade, it was one of those magical Wellington days. Yes, infrequent, many would say. Today, however, was one, the waters shimmered in the afternoon sun.

I loved this place, and came because, with no grave, this was as close as I could get to Ros. It was a favourite for both of us, we first pledged our love right there on the sand. I inhaled deeply, hoping that some tiny essence of Ros would be there. "I'm sorry," I said softly. "The promise I made, it was too much. It wasn't fair, Ros. I can't go the rest of my life alone. I have needs, I think you will understand."

As the words floated out over the gently lapping waves, I added. "I still love you. I always will, but hopefully, there is a little left for somebody else."

With the words out, I felt better, lighter, freer. I sat for a long time, just staring out across the bay. As the temperature dropped, I walked home. It was a long walk, and I thanked the lucky stars I wore flats. It wouldn't do my waistline any harm, but I had to admit I was puffed.