The Sunshine Project Pt. 11

"Thank you, Missy. I really--"

"Don't mention it. Just go rest. And if you need someone to talk to, you know we're here. And we have a great medical plan. They cover therapy, you know."

I collect my things and head to my car. I need more than a therapist can do for me. I need to go back to that night before Allie and I screwed the first time and control myself. I'd have never thought twice about her dating Beck before that. There would be no shrinking or insanity. Dolls wouldn't trigger me, and I'd have my best friend. The toughest part of life would be mourning GG and dealing with Glenda and Dean, who by the way have been the furthest thing from my mind. I can't even think about getting a lawyer to fight them. I have no money, and besides, if a lawyer came to my house he'd see me with illegal weapons and a shrunken woman.

Holy shit, I need a drink.

I drive home with bouts of crying and anger. When I get home, I sit in my car for a while. I don't want to go in there and face Cora yet. If she hasn't snuck out--which is a whole other panic attack waiting to happen--she will want to talk. She'll probably ask me what's wrong, and I can't talk about it. Or maybe I can, and I just don't want to hear what she'll say. She'll tell me I'm stupid and that Allie is way too good for me or something, or that Allie is a bitch and I should cut her loose. Cora only cares about herself.

After about twenty minutes, I sulk into the house. It's quiet except Shep's whine. I haven't spent much time with him lately because I've been dealing with so many other things. I drop my phone, wallet, and keys on the table and head straight to his kennel. He's happy to see me, licking my face furiously when I pick him up.

"Poor boy, you miss your mommy, huh?" I let him lick my face the whole way to the back door where I put him out to pee. I stand there watching him frolic, wondering if I should just resize him before someone reports him being so odd, but he's easier to deal with at this size, and God knows I need easy right now. I don't have the emotional energy to walk around the backyard picking up piles of shit and making sure his food bowl is topped off ten times a day. GG was right, Shep is the perfect dog for me. I just need him small right now.

"Hey, you're home already?" Cora's voice behind me is another weight. I'd rather be alone, where I can think only of myself and just zone out. I never take time to process what I'm going through. I just keep moving on as if it will sort itself out, and it's catching up with me.

"Yeah... Panic attack." That's about as much information as she's going to get out of me. Cora isn't the sort of person you talk to about personal matters. In high school, she may have been a few years behind me, but she was the school gossip. If you wanted to know something you went to Cora Knapke, and if you had something to spread around she made it happen.

"Panic attack? Is everything okay?" I hear a chair move, and when I turn around she's climbing onto it. Shep paws at the glass, and I open the back door. He comes racing in, and Cora shudders visibly. She's probably happy to be off the ground where he can't pounce on her. To her, he's normal size, but normal size for a German Shepherd is still large to a shrunken girl.

"Don't want to talk about it." I walk over to Shep's bowls and fill them. Caring for someone or something else is my modus operandi. I can't fix what's wrong with me, so I want to fix what's wrong with others--be for them what I need for me. It's sick and it leaves me constantly rundown and tired, but I can't stop. "Want lunch?" I ask her, though it's not even ten a.m. yet.

"Just ate.... Jess, what's wrong?" Cora leans on the slats of the back of the chair and watches me walk around the kitchen picking things up. Allie's coffee mug goes in the sink, the spoon she used to stir in her creamer too. I toss the used K-cup without thinking then pull it back out, peel the lid back, dump the grounds in the bin, and set it to the side.

"Don't want to talk about it, Cora."

"Is this about the other night?" she asks, her face drawn in concern. She's acting different again. This isn't the sullen, self-focused girl who treats me like trash. Cora acts like she cares. Is it an act? I'll tell her what I'm thinking and she'll blab it to Allie?

"What?" I play dumb because I honestly don't know what she's talking about. Allie and I had... well, hair and nails. But that was just a really weird thing. I was drunk; I barely remember anything anyway, and then I got sick. Besides that there is no "other night" she could be talking about. Unless she's referring to the night Beck was here and I freaked out.

"When you and Allie... you know." She leaves her words floating in the air and my attention snaps to her. "When you had sex? Is that the first time that happened?"

"You know we had sex?" I walk over to the kitchen table and sit down and she climbs up onto the table and sits facing me only a few inches from the edge. Fuck, now I feel mortified. I was so wasted I remember initiating sex, but if we were so loud Cora heard, the neighbors probably heard too.

"Yeah... I sort of came downstairs in the middle of it." Her cheeks flush pink and she bites her lip. "You don't remember that?"

I shake my head. I really must have blacked out good. I don't remember her at all. In fact, I don't even remember falling asleep with Allie. I just remember being jarred awake by her leaving me cold on the couch, naked and barely covered by the couch throw. I remember her tires squealing down my driveway, and I remember being ghosted by her all day yesterday.

"Jess?"

"What?" I look into Cora's eyes and feel sadness filling me. Maybe I've ruined it already and that's why Allie is being aloof.

"You don't remember talking to her? What you said to her?" She fiddles with the fake button on the waistband of her jumpsuit and shakes her head. "Anything?"

"I remember asking her to do it. Then I remember being very cold and then waking up to her rushing out." Was there something I should remember? "Do you want to tell me something?" I feel suddenly afraid, the way you do when you're watching a horror movie and there's about to be a jump scare, and you're screaming at the character not to open the door, but they open the fucking door anyway. I don't know if I want to know what Cora is going to say at all, or if whatever is behind door number one is going to jump out and bite me.

"She fucking froze you, Jess."

I stare at Cora blankly. She has to be lying to me. Allie wouldn't freeze me. I mean, I know the guns are there on the table, have been since the other night. But she wouldn't use them on me, would she? I remember just feeling cold, and such an intense arousal--but we had already played. She made me come at least once already, so why was I so horny?

"No, she wouldn't--"

"She did. Jess, I was there." Cora's head sinks and she huffs out a sigh. "I saw you. I touched you. You were ice cold."

I wonder if she's just lying to me to make me upset with Allie, but why would she do that? She has no reason to manipulate or hurt me. I've been kind to her and helped her a lot. Even when she called me a liar and Allie locked her up, I went and got her out and took care of her. I don't want to believe that Allie would freeze me though, because if she did then she doesn't really care about me. How could she do something like that to me?

"You're not lying?"

Cora looks up at me. "I only knew about a shrink ray. You guys told me nothing about a freeze ray. How would I know? I have no reason to lie to you about this." She sighs "But I did lie to you about something else. Well, not lying exactly but hiding things." She stands and walks to the edge of the table and climbs onto the chair, the onto the floor. I watch her walk to the couch and try to climb up but she can't quite make it. "A little help?" she says and I rise to meet her.

"What is it?"

"In the cushion, there is a letter from Gus and a key. They're for you. I read your mail, and I feel bad now." She frowns, and her shoulders sag.

"Cora, that's not okay." I feel anger rising up as I dig into the couch cushion and find the letter and key she spoke of. "What else haven't you told me?"

"One thing at a time."

"What else?" I ask, not bothering to open the letter yet. This day just keeps getting worse. I want Allie here to comfort me, and she won't even answer my calls right now.

"Okay, well sit down." Cora gestures at the couch, and I sit, then lift her to the cushion next to me. When I'm glowering at her she takes a tiny deep breath and starts. "The cops showed up today. I was upstairs watching Oprah, and I heard the doorbell. I pushed the crate to the window and stood on it. They had a cruiser, and it was two uniforms. Not sure what they wanted, but cops don't normally just show up at your house for no reason."

"Goddammit, Dean." I let the letter and key lie on my lap while I lean forward and cover my face again. Something has to give, like now. I'm so stressed to the max I feel like I'm going to vomit. It's just getting worse every second now. The property thing, shrinking people, now the cops are coming knocking, and I know exactly why. They're looking for Cora. They want my help. Fuck, we need these guns out of here.

I feel my pulse racing again and tears welling up, but I also feel a tiny hand on my leg. "Jess, I'm here. I don't know how, but it will be okay. Alright?"

"How, Cora!" I snap, and I feel bad. She's trying to help but even full-size Allie couldn't dig me out of this mess. "How will it be okay?"

She pats my knee. "Read the letter. Okay? You'll feel better." Cora turns over and lets her legs dangle, then drops to the floor. I watch her walk across the room and start climbing the stairs. When she is halfway up, I turn my attention to the letter and fold it open. It's penned in GG's handwriting which already has me weepy.

My precious Jess,

If you're reading this letter it's because I'm gone. You must know how much I loved you. Your life is such a treasure to me, even still as I watch down on you from above. You are beautiful and smart and kind, and no one on Earth will ever see the treasure you are until you find the one whom your heart was made for.

And just like the treasure of your heart, I have left you a treasure. This key will open the way for you. You'll find that Jackson has kept it guarded safely for years. He will hopefully continue to guard it for you for years to come. You'll find that I've prepared something very special for you because something very sacred was stolen from you.

You will never know how I blame myself for that. Which is why I take personal responsibility for your heart.

I love you, sweet girl. Forever and a day, to the moon and back, until you find the end of the piece of string you've tied around my heart.

~Gus

All I can do is sit here and bawl. Whispers from the grave may not be a real thing, but this letter--written by his hand, held by his fingertips--it's the closest thing I will get to hearing from him again.

I cry for GG. I cry for what I've lost. I cry because I'm so overcome by anger and pain with this whole situation with Allie. I cry because Glenda and Dean should know better--they do know better; they just don't care. And I cry because I'm tired but I keep going.

Oh God, GG, I need you so bad. Please come back...