All Comments on 'The Time Device Ch. 02 - Taking Carmel'

Dang, that went dark real fast!

I don't think the issue is that it was non-con. I think the way that you handled the non-con made it feel worse. If you have the power to control her anyway, then you could have made the non-con work better by making her enjoy it despite her hesitation. Instead, you threatened to kill her family. It makes it uncomfortable for your reader. That can detract from the story because you do it to the point where we actually sympathize with the victim instead of enjoying the power that the main character has. Does that help?

Chapter three nearly ready for submission. I wasn't happy with summer aspects of chapter two, so I think people will find this one more fun.

Yes, thanks for your considered opinion, anon. (I wish commenters would use a name so people know who I'm talking to). I think you've put into words what I (and evidently others) are feeling about the chapter.

I'm going to do a rewrite, but in the meantime , Ch 3 is pending publication. I think it will pull the story back in the right direction.

Dark is good. Though he should have kept with that line throughout the chapter. Her not batting an eye when his "brother" showed up, should have been more like "No! I didn't agree to this!" And then both of them taking her roughly. However this kind of worked. I hope further chapters explore the darker side. If not though, I will keep reading. 5 stars for enjoyability.