All Comments on 'The Unveil'

Intriguing storyline with potential, but several distractions: some typos (easily corrected), chose of words/phrases to describe scene and/or feelings comes across erudite in overdone way and for me lacks erotica/emotion; that and lack of dialogue where you could capture/convey feelings. Good dialogue is hard to achieve, but helps set scene and reveal feelings. The last paragraph comes close to conveying the emotion of the moment for your protagonist — shorter sentences, sense of feeling, etc, though still could be improved. Silly example: why overcome with a feeling of excitement; why not simply overcome with excitement (or another descriptor). Hope you continue to share your imagination.

Well enough written although there were occasional jarring errors (example: you "laid her on her back", not "lied her on her back"). The main problem was that the category was wrong. As soon as you get a male involved in the erotic action, it ceases to be a lesbian story: Erotic Couplings would have been a more appropriate category. That said, your writing shows promise so keep at it.

Good first story. A few things to correct. Message me if you'd like me to help you.

Good first story, and I'm excited that several people have already added tips for next time. Looking forward to more from you. Thank you!

Well done! I hope you keep writing.