The Voice in the Dark Ch. 04

"What is it, Luce? Why do you not like her? And don't say it's because you're just very different people. I think we both know there's more to it than that."

Lucy pauses, before it all comes out like she is speaking the words out loud for the first time ever.

"Mom never really accepted that my dad left us for another woman. She pretended for years that he went into the military or joined a cult, anything but the truth. But Sandra and I would hear rumours about it, and then we finally saw Dad in person some years later with some random girl. Well, I suppose I could no longer deny it, but it never stopped my Mom. It's like she's incapable of facing reality. And Sandra just slips into her own denial about it too."

"Is that why you left? Why you..?" I ask tentatively, thinking about the one and only time she has ever mentioned her first love, and high-school sweetheart- Adam.

"Yeah. I guess I never could fully trust the men in my life after that, and I wanted to just get away from it all. Ya know? I never really confronted it because I thought it didn't matter. What's done is done, right?"

I think back to my own childhood where the most important man in my life was suddenly no longer there, and I feel her pain acutely.

"Yeah, I get it. But you're never quite the same afterwards," I say, trying hard to fight back tears.

"You're lucky, Jess. I know your mom drives you crazy, and you have a lot of things to work through, but she loves you. In a way, that's probably her biggest fault: Loving you too much."

I hold Lucy tightly, and we cry softly.

"I hurt Adam back then in a terrible way. I told him this bunch of crap about how he wasn't satisfying me. How we're going in different directions, and that I thought he was cheating. Anything to hurt him enough so he would never speak to me again. And I got what I wanted, I guess. But now I realise the same could be happening with Ricardo, and I don't want to push him away. He's sweet, kind and patient. He and I could be really good together. Ya know."

"Yeah, you could. He was really worried about you when he came to the apartment, Luce. He came over during the day, on a Monday afternoon, to see if you were alright. Why would he do that if he wasn't crazy about you? He is one hundred percent there, and ready to fight for you. I guess the ball is in your court now."

Lucy pauses for a few minutes, her mouth open slightly and her eyes have that far away look to them when she is in deep thought but I can tell she needs more time to let that sink in, so instead she says:

"What will you do, Jess? Are you sure you're okay after...everything? I know I didn't react well to what happened with Justin the first time, but..."

"No, it's okay. It's understandable, Luce."

"Yeah, but my reaction had nothing to do with you, Jess. It was my own issues talking. You don't need me deciding what is best for you."

"You have always put me first, Luce. Now you need to decide what's best for your life. I will be okay. I know it. We could talk about what he did to death, but what Justin did is over now. I have said my goodbyes and made peace with it. Now you need to find peace."

She smiles, her eyes brimming with tears. I then pull her close and kiss both her cheeks before we sit and hold each other for a long time. We don't feel the need to do or say anything and we just let the past be. I don't know where we go from here but I know that we will both be okay. And that is all I can ask for right now.

<HR *** >

<i Good luck today. Let me know what happens X i>

I stare at Mum's text, and remember Lucy's encouraging words from this morning ring in my head as I walk into the office.

My stomach is doing somersaults, and I feel myself shaking but I breathe in deeply through my nose and out through my mouth. I know that I have to face this once and for all. I can't hide away forever with my mum, or Lucy, and expect all my problems to go away.

If I am going to be sacked, Neil has to at least look me in the eye and tell me. If Gloria has somehow found out about my crazy stunt, then I will face her and explain my reasons. She never bullshits me, and I am happy to have someone else in my life who won't sugar coat things if I screw up. I have to make things right, whatever that means.

<i I'll be okay i> I keep telling myself throughout the day. And for the most part it comforts me. I think about the things I could do with my free time. I could look for another job, or go self-employed. I could even travel for a bit with Lucy, or spend some time with my mum and Steve. It's not the end of the world, surely?

But then I think of all the fun talks I have with Gloria on our breaks. How awesome it would be to receive a new manuscript and spend my day dissecting it. How amazing my other colleagues are. I will even miss seeing Neil in the morning, despite how much I screwed that up. I wouldn't blame him for sacking me, given how inappropriate it was to do that with my boss. And the thought makes me sad.

What was I thinking? <i God, What was I thinking? i>

Of course, I wasn't thinking, and I hate that I took my mental turmoil out on a man who has done nothing but be kind to me. Neil has never crossed the line with me. I was the one who did that, and I must take responsibility for it.

Gloria and Neil have been strangely absent though, and I can only assume that they have been caught up trying to get the boss's son ready to take over. I remember seeing her face scrunched up with annoyance and her hair lacking its usual artfulness as she just crawled through the last days of work this past week. It must take an awful lot of effort to get an entire department up to Big Dick Johnson's standards so he can put his son in a well-functioning machine that even he can't screw up. I laugh at the blatant nepotism that surrounds the Johnson Empire, but I suppose I would be the same if my children had forced me to change the focus of years of investment, time and energy from the prodigal son, to the spare. <i Poor Guy. i>

Yet, the relative quiet of my department is just what I need as I continue my work and try to get myself in the right headspace to apologise to Neil. I notice that everyone else around me seems oblivious to my mood, almost as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened. I cringe at the memory of my behaviour last time I was here and really make an effort to do the best job I can.

Suddenly, Gloria comes bounding into the office with her heels clacking on the floor and with hair that you can tell hasn't seen a hairbrush today. Something so unlike her. She tugs on her canary yellow blazer and pulls the sleeves up to her elbows as she walks up to me, with a look of pure confusion.

"I'd appreciate a word with you, Jess. If you don't mind?" She says in her best attempt at a calm voice but I can tell she's not happy with me.

"Sure."

We calmly make our way to the breakroom and I thank my lucky stars that nobody else is there.

"What's this all a...?"

"Cut the shit, Jess. Where were you yesterday? It's not like you to miss work."

I texted her yesterday after calling the absence line but when I didn't get a reply, I assumed she was too busy.

"I wasn't feeling well, that's why I needed the time off. People need to stay home when they are sick," I say, knowing full well how insane that sounds coming from me.

"Really? Is that why you left early on Friday without telling anyone? We were worried about you."

"Well... yes and no. I didn't mean to worry you. I guess, I just needed time and space to get my head together, that's all."

Gloria is not my supervisor or in the same department as me, but she is someone who cares and I can tell that maybe she thinks that the months of stress and heartbreak are finally catching up to me.

"Justin was an asshole, I get that. But you don't just walk out of work because you can't take it anymore. What really happened, Jess?"

"Well, I.... I just...."

Gloria looks worried and so perplexed that it is even making me nervous. Gloria is the no-nonsense, calm authority I need in my life and when she doesn't know what to do... Oh God.

"You have to tell me right now. What's going on?"

I hesitate for a moment, but then it all comes out in the wash. I tell her everything that happened with Neil and my momentary freakout. I try to hold back tears but it's just too much, so much so that she puts her arm around me and holds me while I let it all out. When I am finally calm enough to speak, I hear Gloria say:

"Well, this is a...shitstorm of a mess, you have got yourself into, Jessica Ashton."

"I know. I know. I know. It was stupid of me. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm going to get myself fired."

We pause, trying to think of some way to get me out of this.

"Explains why Neil was so distracted yesterday. Poor Guy. I thought it was because of the new owner coming in this week, but I suppose it makes more sense now..."

I feel the flush of shame go over my face and neck and I want to curl up into a ball and die here on the floor.

"So what are you gonna do about it, Sweetie?" She asks

"Honestly. I think the best thing to do is to confront it head on and apologise. It was really inappropriate and I know I shouldn't have done it, but..."

"But what's done is done, right?"

I nod, feeling like the world's biggest screw up.

"Jess. What came over you? That wasn't you. I know it wasn't."

Bless Gloria for trying to see the best in me, but I am not prepared to let this go.

"I appreciate all your kind words, Gloria but the fact is: I did do that. I put my job at risk unnecessarily and I put Neil in an awkward position." I laugh inwardly at the irony of my words.

"But Jess. One mistake doesn't define you. You are a great person who had a not so great moment. You don't deserve to lose your job over this. You know that I will back you all the way, right?"

I smile at my friend and hug her tight. She's a wonderful friend who I will miss seeing every week day.

"I've still got to make things right, Glo."

She sighs in resignation. She knows that there's nothing she can do to change my mind. We hug for a long time and it takes everything I have not to collapse into further sobs.

"I don't think this is fair on you but you're right, you've got to fix things. I'll miss seeing you around here, Jess."

I hug her once again and really try not to mess up my makeup anymore than it already is.

"I will miss you too, my friend. But you know you're not getting rid of me that easily, right?"

She laughs and we get up from the table with an arm around each other's shoulder. I have an hour to go before I finish, so I know I have to use that time to set things right. But I go to the bathroom first and fix my appearance so that my red eyes are lessened somewhat and my hair doesn't look so limp.

I take another deep breath and I am about to head towards Neil's office when I notice a strange man in profile as I pass by the open door to the breakroom.

He's typing on his smartphone and his head is almost to the desk with the amount of strain he is putting on his neck. His hair is glossy and dark and he has full sensual lips as well as strong, capable hands. His fingers move through his hair and then adjust his reading glasses ever so slightly on the end of his nose. He's not immediately noticeable but once you clap eyes on him, it's hard to look away. My fists clench and my feet seem to be moving ever so slightly toward him.

I bite my lip and my eyes narrow on him as my centre point. I can just picture myself leaning in the frame of the doorway and talking to him in my most seductive voice. I almost hope that he senses my presence. I don't think I am dressed too badly. I am wearing a yellow wrap dress as the weather is just too hot and humid here. I want more than anything to just forget my problems for five minutes and be in this man's presence.

I wonder how it would feel to run my fingers through his lustrous hair, stare at his gorgeous face and feel his hands at my waist as he whispered such dirty things in my ear. I then grab the wall and move myself away as quickly as possible before he sees me. My heart pounds in my chest as I walk away and I can't help but feel a strange sense of deja vu. <i But how can that be? i> <i I don't even know the man. i>

<i Is he new? i> If he is, I can't imagine that he wouldn't cause a bit of a stir around the office. He's a good looking man. Even when wearing a simple shirt and white chinos, he's still just as striking as any of the other men in suits around the office. But above all, I think what struck me as strange is how tired and overwhelmed he seemed.

Judging from his outward appearance, I would say he has money, and lots of it. But none of that cannot prepare you for how difficult life can be, and he seemed like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. It's true that no one wants to feel sorry for the poor tortured rich boy, but you have to wonder just how much responsibility that all comes with. He was sinking into his chair as if wanting to make himself as small as possible and keeping his eyes trained on his phone.

I am still mulling that over in my head when I find myself facing the door to Neil's office. It's like my feet have taken on a life of their own and they have directed me to the one place I know I have to go. I take a deep shaky breath, and knock gently but loud enough to announce my presence.

At first, there's no reply and I wonder if Neil has suddenly decided to go home and I am too late to catch him, but after I knock again, I hear his voice bidding me to come in.

I feel my stomach swoop to the floor sickeningly but I hold back the nausea as I enter Neil's office for what I hope will not be the last time. He looks up and his face falls when he sees me. I die a little inside but I keep my expression neutral as I say:

"Neil. I am sorry to bother you but do you have a moment?"

He pauses and takes a deep breath before he answers: "Sure. Come on in, Jess. I was hoping I would be able to catch you today."

I sit down at the chair opposite his desk, where I was this time last Friday, and I remember the feel of his lips on mine, the sweet scent of his hair and skin and his masculine, firm grip on my boobs and butt. He looks as impeccable as ever today with his navy blazer and white shirt with a silver tie. His blond tresses are nicely shaped over his face but he is looking far more stressed out this week than he did last week. No doubt I am the cause of the extra stress on top of an overwhelming workload. I smile sheepishly at him and I attempt to start but Neil suddenly says.

"I wanted to talk to you about something I was going to tell you last Friday, and..."

I interrupt him quickly, before I allow him to feel any more unnecessary guilt. And I barely take a breath the whole time.

"Neil. I... I wanted to apologise. Both for my inappropriate behaviour and for leaving you high and dry without any explanation. I totally understand if that made you uncomfortable. You are my boss, and I am your employee. There's a line that comes with that. I don't blame you if you want to fire me right here and now, it was wrong of me. If you can't work with me anymore, please at the very least accept my apology."

I stop in a painful silence as I see that he has a totally perplexed look on his face. < i Did I imagine last Friday? Am I going crazy? i>

"Jess. What do you mean? You have nothing to..."

"The kiss, Neil. And... everything else that happened. I wasn't myself on Friday and I was taking my issues out on you without realising it. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it, but the last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable given how kind you have been to me. You don't deserve..."

Now it's Neil's turn to interrupt me: "I'm not going to fire you, Jess. True it wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I was a willing participant. It just came as a shock to me too."

I stare at the floor, hoping that my inner turmoil doesn't show on my face.

"Jess. Look at me. Please."

I look up and hold his gaze as best I can.

"You're not in any trouble. I wanted to ask you about our kiss. And most importantly, why did you leave? I get that it was a bit crazy to do it in the office, but I had a good time, and I didn't want it to stop. You also seemed pretty into it. What changed? If you'd wanted to stop halfway through, that would have been okay. I just wish you'd told me. I've been worried about you."

Part of me sighs in relief that I have built this up in my head to be the worst thing ever and it has worked out rather splendidly. Another bigger part of me feels shame that my recklessness is being excused. I know Neil has a lot of faith in me as an employee, but I was sure I had done something even he couldn't forgive.

"But Neil. What I did isn't something you should have to excuse. I left because I was too scared to face the consequences of what I did, but I won't deny that I wanted to. You're not the problem here...I," he then cuts me off before I can say anything more.

"Jess. I wanted to talk to you today, but not just because of what happened on Friday. It was because I need to say that I have made an important decision that has been a long time coming, and I wanted to let you and the other members of the team know that...I am going to be leaving the company for another job."

Now, this is not what I was expecting. I take a moment to think about that, and wonder if that's the reason why Neil isn't more upset about the kiss on Friday.

"Wow. I... am not sure what to make of that, Neil. Have you...?"

"Yeah. I gave the boss a month's notice and he asked me to complete the new owner's induction to the business before I left as part of the process."

I nod and I smile a tight smile trying to put aside the disappointment I feel at not seeing my friend and boss again. That explains why he has been so tired and stressed out lately. I suppose he's trying to tie up loose ends before he leaves the company, but even he isn't superman.

"I leave on Friday, for a month's vacation before I start my new job. I told everyone yesterday, but I was also hoping that I could speak to you before then."

I open my mouth, not quite sure how to phrase my next question.

"How has it been a long time coming, Neil?"

He pauses, as if choosing his next words carefully.

"Well. I initially came to get the experience I needed, I didn't think it would be longer than a year or two. But then, I got friendly with everyone here, including you, and I just couldn't think about leaving. But eventually...I realised that I would be crossing a line by staying here."

I frown momentarily, and Neil explains.

"Jess. You know I have a huge amount of respect for you, as your boss, but I began to realise that I was having...other such feelings for you. Feelings that a good boss shouldn't be having, but I did. And I felt guilty about it. Especially when you were with Justin, and then going through the pain of the breakup, I, I just couldn't put you in that position. I wanted to approach you as an equal. You understand?"

I nod again, feeling myself blush bright red, and I feel a tingling between my thighs as I remember the feel of his mouth on mine. I wonder idly how good he is in bed, how it would feel to have that gorgeous body on top of me...

"Neil. I don't know what to say. I...I also feel that way about you. But you're right, there is a boundary between us that mustn't be crossed. It wouldn't be right, I..."

He then stands up from behind his desk and walks over to me, pulling me up gently by my shoulders and kissing me passionately.

This time, he is taking the initiative and I open my mouth to accept him. His mouth is talented, his kiss knowing and it feels good to have his hands in my hair again. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and I return the kiss. His hands are at my waist and the small of my back, a very pleasurable spot for me, and I moan into his mouth as our tongues merge together.