The Voice in the Dark Ch. 04

"I hope so," I say, with real hope in my voice. "She deserves someone who can make her happy long-term. She has spent far too long looking after everyone else, and she should take that time to let things progress."

I remember her heavy fuck session with Serena, and wonder just how she will explain that to Ricardo, but I haven't asked Lucy as it seems unfair to bring it up. What has happened in the past shouldn't affect the future. And I can't help but feel a little unsettled at that thought.

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if Lucy's occasional glances in my direction from across the dinner table are a sign that she is thinking of it too. She'd put down her fork and her dazzling green eyes would look straight into mine before slipping slowly down my body and then back up again before turning back to her phone or a book. I would sit there trying not to shake with remembered pleasure.

So many unknown things. So many things that are unclear. But I know I must accept that I can't know everything, and I mustn't force it.

My mum squeezes my hand, as if sensing my unease. "She will be okay. No matter what happens. You both will."

"I hope so, Mum. I want things to be good for her... and for me."

Mum smiles a tight smile and she drops her eyes to the floor before taking another sip of her wine. I know that she has her own opinions on what is going on with Neil, and with Jack, but she hasn't probed too much into it. She and I are learning to be careful of that boundary because there are some things she simply doesn't need to know.

I have learned the hard way not to make any man your priority until you know that there is a future for the relationship. I can tell that she wants me to at least consider making one of them my boyfriend, but I just don't feel the urge to. It's early days for us all and I want to really take my time before getting into another relationship. I feel extra secure knowing that my therapist is also encouraging me to take things slow and just allow whatever happens to progress naturally.

Now that Neil is no longer my boss, I don't feel bad about dating him at all. I do sometimes wonder just how much I could have gotten away with had we decided to take things further in the office though. He is the definition of caring and gentle but after our third date, he was so excited to get me into bed he could barely restrain himself. However, his patient, caring hands were simply wonderful as they slipped into my panties or played with my breasts from behind. It felt so wonderful to be treated like a lady. Our relationship is based on trust as we started out as friends, and I am really enjoying learning who he is as a person.

At first, I was worried that sex would be unfulfilling with Neil, as he doesn't yet know about what I like, but boy was I glad that he proved me wrong. His penis also isn't enormous, but he has technique down pat and he knows all the right places to touch me. I can only hope that he will listen and take me seriously when I am finally ready to tell him.

Jack, on the other hand, is a little more complicated. Knowing he is my boss, what we are doing isn't exactly a safe thing to do, despite how much it turns me on. He can fuck me into the middle of next week with all the brute force that I need on those days when I just want to feel like a naughty little slut. While I still maintain that extreme pain is a no-go for me, he takes me to the edge of it in his unique way and I can't help but get wet at the thought. I sometimes wonder if this may be going back on all my progress, and my therapist thankfully hasn't judged me one way or the other. However, I am enjoying the feelings I am getting from being a little reckless.

I want to weigh up the pros and cons of each man before I make a decision about who I want to take things further with. I want them to prove to me that they are worth my while, rather than me having to constantly chase their time and attention. Those days are done for me.

I know that there are many old-fashioned standards against women dating multiple men, even when the men are doing the exact same thing without complaint from anyone, but I don't give a shit. I love being the one in control of my destiny, and if either man left tomorrow, I know I would be okay. Plain and simple.

I still think about those moments where I first kissed Neil, or when I exposed myself on the subway. Heck, even when I put on my sexiest underwear without remembering later. Almost like I knew I would be getting up to something naughty. Like there was a pleasure seeking nympho in me dying to get out.

Sometimes I picture them together. With me sandwiched between them on the bed. Jack stroking my breasts from behind with the occasional whisper in my ear about how I should relax and listen to his voice before Neil starts kissing his way down my body and slipping his hand into my panties. I can feel Jack's lips on the back of my neck as he kisses and suckles his way around the sensitive areas. I shiver in pleasure as Neil's hands then find my most sensitive spot between my legs and my panties are pulled off roughly. I close my eyes to take in the exquisite feeling of Neil's mouth kissing all the way up my right thigh and his tongue circling my aching clit as Jack holds my arms down so I can't squirm around too much. I moan in ecstasy and Neil bites the inside of my thigh as if in warning not to misbehave.

In terms of penis size, Neil and Jack are about the same. And it doesn't matter to me one bit. I find that they are both very knowledgeable about women and they have their own unique ways to please me. To make my orgasm their priority.

They are both also aware that I can't give them complete exclusivity yet, and neither seem to mind. I may not give them details, but if they gave it a bit of thought, then they would come to the conclusion on their own. Part of me is worried about their reaction if they found out who the other is, but I haven't lied to either of them, and I don't feel the need to explain myself when it's very clearly not the time for me to be giving my all to a new relationship.

I don't know what the future holds, but I am very content with not knowing for once. The Jess of Old would have been trying so hard to control every eventuality, and the sick feeling of dread and emptiness would make itself known to me every time I would even try to think about picking one man or the other.

Beyond all of that, I am learning to try and be content in myself outside of being desired by both of these complex, beautiful and very interesting men. I want to know that no matter the outcome, I will be okay. That I will be happy.

I have noticed something very peculiar as well. I haven't heard Jack use those words on me for a long time. And the last time he did, it's like they were unnecessary. I have no idea what this means. I hope we can move toward a more equal balance in our relationship, but I can't deny that I enjoy him taking charge in the bedroom. Maybe his powers were only meant to last once we had sex. Like a spell that has been broken. Or maybe I have just moved past the need for it. I am almost tempted to ask him to do it again the next time I see him, but I don't miss it enough to do that.

As I take my mother's hand and we stare down at the city, we sit in solidarity for only the second time in many years and I feel contentment that my life is becoming firmly within my control again. I am learning to simply take life one day at a time, and that simply breathing and closing your eyes can level you, even for just that moment to gain clarity once more.

Thank you once again, my beautiful readers.

From the bottom of my heart.