The Voice in the Dark Ch. 04

She then grabs me by the throat and pushes me onto the table. She has an aggressive look in her eye and that terror once again comes back into my body. She looks like she could kill me if I don't stop her, but her other hand then moves to my dress and yanks it open to reveal my breasts. She sucks on my right nipple hard and I moan in her grip.

"Tell me this doesn't turn you on! Tell me that you don't crave my touch. That you're not dying to be my little fuck toy," she says this between moments of latching onto my nipples and breasts with her hungry mouth.

I moan and move my head violently as I try to remove her other hand from around my throat. She hangs onto me tightly and I begin to see stars from the lack of oxygen, but it makes my breasts swell with need and wetness drip from my pussy as she suddenly bites my nipple. Hard.

I cry out, begging her to let go as best I can. She doesn't, and instead her free hand touches my clit agonisingly slowly and then shoves her fingers once again inside me deeply. She does all she can to bring me to another explosive climax, which normally isn't difficult for her, but this time it is elusive. Even I am surprised just how much my talented lover is failing to make me cum.

I lie there for a little while and she moans in frustration as she gradually comes to the realisation that she isn't going to get it out of me. So she then pulls down her yoga pants, and raises one leg onto the chair, not caring if anyone sees. Her fingers rub her clit in quick movements so as to achieve orgasm in the quickest possible way, and it doesn't take her long. The moment she places fingers inside herself, she cums watching me. I must look so mussed up and so desperately confused, but her cries and moans are the loudest I have ever heard from her. Her nipples are tight through her thin top as she comes down from her intense high. But as she gradually catches her breath, my first feeling is that of pity for her.

"Think about what it is you're giving up by getting your space, Jess."

Those words cut me deep and I am about to ask her what she means when she marches back into the apartment and to her bedroom. I lie there confused and my stomach does a cartwheel when I suddenly hear the front door slam.

I lie there for a moment, not sure what to do or what to say. I can't think clearly.

I knew telling her that we can't sleep together anymore would be hard but I didn't think she would take it this badly. <i What did she mean by that? i>

I fight the tears that are desperately trying to come to the surface and slowly get up from the table. I am thankful that it's late Monday morning where our neighbours can't see us. We could have been caught. Someone could have been watching us... <i It amazes me just how thrilling outdoor sex can be i>

I move back inside and close the door tightly, and I have to fight the urge to close the curtains and hide under my bed for the rest of my life. The nerves are building to an anxiety attack, and I can't function just standing still. Instead, I tackle the vacuuming and all the other chores I need to do today.

She has to come home. Where else would she go? Maybe this is how Lucy felt when I disappeared. I can imagine it felt awful not knowing where I was, especially given this is out of character for us both. Our home is our sanctuary, there's no reason to avoid it.

When I finally allow myself to stop and take a breather, my mind is in overdrive. Nothing makes sense in my world without Lucy in it, and the idea of not having her there is terrible. But I know that this isn't the way to go about it. It's not wrong to have boundaries. She must know that.

I am about to reach for my phone and call her when I notice her phone is on the coffee table, and it makes me sick to think of her on the streets of New York on her own. Even during the day.

I sit on the sofa and I am wondering whether or not to check myself into a mental asylum when the doorbell rings. <i Lucy i>. Thank goodness.

I am about to rush to the door when I suddenly stop in my tracks. <i Lucy has a key, why would she knock? Unless she forgot them in her haste? i>

<i Is it mum? i> I move to the door, utterly perplexed. I then open it wide and to my astonishment, I see someone I was not expecting at all.

<i Ricardo. i>

Poor guy looks like he has barely slept. He is wearing blue jeans ripped strategically at the knees and thighs, and his black t-shirt is so nicely cut so that it shows the bulk of his muscled arms and shoulders. His Latino sensuality shows beautifully in his full lips and his dark brown eyes are hidden under a <i Yankees i> baseball cap.

He looks like he is bowing under the weight of his misery, especially for a man who normally looks like a million bucks. He clearly cares for my best friend, given he's at our apartment on a Monday afternoon.

He looks surprised to see me as he takes me in. "Jess, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at work?"

I pause momentarily to collect myself before I respond, "Took the day off. Are you looking for Lucy?"

He looks at me with worried eyes as he nods his head vigorously.

"Where is she? She hasn't called me in a few days and I am worried... I know this is her day off so I came to see if she's okay. This isn't like her."

I don't want to shatter the illusion of how unlike Lucy his words sound.

"I don't know. She went outside for a walk and I haven't seen her since. She only just left. About 30 minutes ago, I think."

He looks at me strangely, and I don't blame him. My voice is monotone, as though I am trying to keep my riotous emotions in check while he is around.

"You don't sound worried. She's by herself in a big city and she's going through something. I know it. Shall we go and look for her?"

Going out is the last thing I want to do, and I don't have the heart to tell him that I don't think Lucy wants to be around me right now.

"I don't think she'll be too long, Ricardo. Why not come in and wait?"

He looks at me with relief and he makes his way inside and sits at the table with his hands clasped together as if in deep thought.

"Can I get you a drink? You look like you need one."

He looks at me incredulously, but out of politeness he says:

"No thanks, Jess. I'm worried about her. She's normally texting or calling me every day, and now she has just stopped talking to me. What happened?"

Your girlfriend stops talking to you for a few days and then you come round to her house to talk to her best friend to see if she's okay? Wow, I wish my boyfriends had been that way with me. <i Some have all the luck, don't they? i>

"Jess. Can you send her a text, or call her?"

I just don't have the energy to keep up this facade anymore.

"She left her phone here, Ricardo. She needed to go out for some air."

He looks horrified and suddenly says "Why would she go out without her phone? That's so dangerous."

"We had a fight. Nothing to worry about, just a spat between friends. Ya know?"

Ricardo looks at me like I have grown two heads, and he's not wrong to do so. Lucy and I don't fight much as a rule. In fact we don't fight at all. Fair enough, we have our disagreements, but never full-on fights. And we always ended up in bed afterward.

"You and Lucy had a fight? She never says a bad word about you. What could you possibly have a fight about?" He laughs nervously and the smile doesn't quite match his eyes. <i How much does he know? i>

"Everyone fights, Ricardo. It's not possible to be friends with someone, and live together, without the occasional disagreement."

"But you and Lucy. I have never seen anyone closer than you two."

<i Poor guy i>. He's only looking out for her and he seems even more confused than I am right now. Someone has to put him out of this misery.

"Look, Ricardo. I don't know how much Lucy has told you, but we sleep together sometimes. And I used to think that it wouldn't complicate things given we both are looking for relationships with men, but it has unfortunately."

Ricardo smiles sheepishly, but there's not really any hint that this is news to him.

"But if you know that you don't want to be in a relationship with her, why do it?"

This is the first time anyone has asked that question. Maybe we have formed a symbiotic bond that meant we could please each other and not feel the need to involve anyone else, but that illusion is now well and truly destroyed.

"I wish I knew, Ricardo. I have asked myself that same question many times. I think it's because we came to rely on each other to the point where we could just fuck without any real strings attached. Lucy is very good at casual sex."

Ricardo's head bows as if under the weight of what I have said.

"I can't judge her for that. I have slept around in my time, but I have never felt attracted to my best friend before. Is Lucy the only woman you have...,?" He says almost without thinking, but then covers his mouth in embarrassment, "Sorry Jess, that's none of my business, I'm..."

"No, it's okay. I understand you're curious." I don't elaborate as I don't owe him any such explanation about my sex life, but I know Lucy has been with other women, and I can tell that he wants to grill me further but he holds his tongue.

"You should talk with Lucy when she comes back. I'll admit that I don't know everything about her, and just because we sleep together, doesn't mean we can make a relationship work."

Ricardo looks really worried and his mouth moves into a tight line.He looks absolutely wrecked and I put my hand on his shoulder.

"But, how will you two..."?

"I don't have all the answers, Ricardo. But I think, being platonic friends is the best thing for us both. I think we need to get our issues sorted out."

Ricardo opens his mouth as if to say something, but then closes it again. I want to know what he has to say.

"Go on. Please, tell me what's on your mind."

He pauses and takes a deep breath before he speaks, "Lucy told me that you would be in her life, and in her bed, as long as we're together. And I want to know what that means. Does she want to be polyamorous?"

I knew this question would come up, and I answer with: "I don't know, and that's not really my decision to make, Ricardo." I know it's not an answer, but it's all I've got.

Ricardo smiles tightly, almost as if disappointed. "Why? What were you expecting from it?" I ask, feeling a little rush of pleasure, despite my confusion.

He blushes bright red but I swear that I see his eyes briefly scan me from head to toe, and they sparkle with excitement. Then he goes silent on me. Clearly not sure how to move forward.

Ricardo is a very handsome man. With big strong hands, hard muscled body and dark sensual eyes with delightful looking lips. I momentarily imagine his hands moving over my breasts from behind while Lucy slips her hands into her panties watching us. She bites her lip, and they never break eye contact as his fingers pinch and twist my nipples. All the while, my butt moves back against his hard bulge.

I shake my head at these treacherous thoughts. I would be a total hypocrite to demand space to resolve my issues, only to then fantasise about my best friend's boyfriend. I need to get a grip on these thoughts as it will simply be too complicated in real life. But the thoughts are tantalising nonetheless and I feel the pleasure fizz through my body like champagne bubbles.

He keeps his eyes lowered and he opens his mouth as if to say something but suddenly the door opens and Lucy walks back in. Her footsteps are lighter and I can tell she is significantly calmer, but she stops dead in her tracks as she comes through the door. She is momentarily dumb struck by his presence but then straightens up again.

"Hey, Sweetie. What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at work? I'm sorry I haven't returned your calls lately. I have stuff on my mind. Do you want to..?"

She then sees me and does a double take. She looks like she is about to blow a gasket and I take that as my cue to go.

"Looks like you guys need some time to talk. I have to go do some shopping and take a breather. I'll be back later."

I give Ricardo a reassuring smile as I make my way into my bedroom for my bag and shopping list. I am happy that I have this excuse to get out of the house and tackle ordinary tasks as if nothing in my life is really different. It's true what they say that no crisis can ever interrupt the flow of routine.

I want Lucy to do what is best for herself and removing myself from the picture, although very difficult, is the best way for us both to get some mental clarity. We just can't go on thinking that us being together and fucking whenever we feel like it is enough to make us truly happy. We can be friends and bring the best to one another's lives but sex is just too complicated to mix in with that.

I think about what Ricardo was about to say to me as Lucy came home and it niggles at me as I walk along the busy streets. I want more than anything to go back and ask, but then again, <i what good will that do? i> They truly are a very sweet couple and they care a lot about each other. I am happy to put my lust for Lucy aside so their relationship has at least a fighting chance.

It feels odd to be out during the day as I am normally at work, but the change in atmosphere allows me to get clear on my goals and what I need to do to get there. I need to feel like I can stand on my own two feet finally. I text my mum as I finish my shopping and complete one or two errands that I have been meaning to get done and I smile at all I have managed to achieve today. I think having this time to myself has done me the world of good, and all the busy and stressful points in my life that seemed endless some months ago are no longer important.

I pass by men in suits and women talking on their phones holding paper coffee cups and I listen to the sounds of car tires screeching and horns honking in the fast paced traffic of New York. I am not even worried about coming home to Lucy and Ricardo anymore as I know it will all be okay in the end. Everything works out for the best eventually and I am definitely in a more forgiving and open mindset than before. I know that I have been through the ringer of emotions over the last few days and I try to keep that in mind so I can make the most of my therapy session this evening. It's true that admitting you don't have all the answers is okay to do, and I feel sad at the thought of so many people simply numbing their pain rather than confronting it.

I let myself back into the apartment after being gone for a while and I can tell that Ricardo is gone. I hope that doesn't mean forever but I remember that this isn't up to me. It's Lucy who needs to make that decision and I look around the flat for her, no longer with the same fear I did this morning. I know what I have to do. I spot her in my bedroom, and I give her a moment to process all she is feeling as I put the shopping away. I clear my mind of any anger or fear and instead focus on the clarity my walk gave me and how I can take it into my life from this point.

She looks up nervously as I come into the bedroom, something very unusual for Lucy. Last night, she was strong, powerful and in control, now she looks small and lost. It takes everything I have not to wrap my arms around her and kiss her tears away, but the boundaries have to be put firmly in place now.

"Jess. I'm sorry for the way I acted before. It was just a surprise that's all. I honestly thought we had resolved everything last night but obviously not. You didn't deserve any of that."

I am so happy that she is acknowledging that she did wrong, and that I didn't have to explain it to her.

"On my walk, I felt awful about what I said to you on the balcony and I wanted to come back and apologise, then Ricardo and I had a talk. It all makes sense now "

Judging by her flushed cheeks, slightly mussed up hair and the glimmer in her bright green eyes, they did more than just talk. I want to tease her about it but instead, I listen to her get it all out.

"You were right. I wasn't in the best place to make a relationship work between me and him, and this morning made me realise that what we have isn't healthy. I really want to make it work between me and Ricardo, so..."

Although I knew it was coming, it doesn't mean it's not disappointing. I can acknowledge that Lucy is a great lover but I also know she is an even greater friend and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

"Jess. You know you will always be important to me. Your friendship means a lot to me, and yes, I will always want you on some level, but I think we both need to figure out how to establish healthy boundaries between us before we can move forward. Are you angry with me?"

I pause momentarily, and breathe. My honest answer: <i No i>.

But I do need to make her aware of how last night made me feel and how I don't want a repeat of that ever again.

"Lucy. You crossed a line last night, but I think you already know that. I saw a very messed up part of you today, and last night, but this doesn't have to ruin our friendship. We just need to find a way to move forward."

Lucy lowers her head and I move closer to squeeze her hand gently.

I struggle to put into words exactly how I felt last night and it takes a while for me to finally say:

"Yes, my body was widely excited, but I didn't feel affection or love in the way you touched me. I felt that I was little more than a sex doll and I don't ever want to feel that way with someone I care about. I am okay with my masochistic side, but we both know that can quickly spiral out of control if we get a grip on ourselves. That's the first time in our friendship that I have ever been truly disappointed in you."

"Yes," she replies, in sad recognition of the reality we hoped we could avoid until now, "but that doesn't mean that my desire for you is gone."

"I know, Lucy. My attraction to you will always be there too, but we can't give the other what we really need. And we will grow to hate each other for that. Why don't we focus on what matters most? Our friendship"

We sit there awkwardly for the first time ever. Even in the beginning of our friendship, I never felt like Lucy would be against a hug or a funny joke. We have lost the fun, easy-going side of our friendship and I am momentarily saddened by that. But this also means we can start again and establish an even stronger friendship than before. One built on the right foundation and with the best of intentions.

"Can I hug you, Jess?"

"Sure," I say cautiously. She holds me softly, and I return it as best I can.

"You are my best friend, nothing can ever change that. You know that, right?"

I nod and we hold each other even tighter as the minutes pass by. It's only after some time has gone by that I remember what I have to tell her. I initially planned on not telling her, and allowing things to just be, now that I have my mum to confide in too, but it feels wrong not to include Lucy.

She listens intently, and although I can tell she is upset, she calmly responds with:

"Wow. That's quite a lot of things to deal with Jess. I guess that's why you chose to take today off. To process everything?"

"Yeah. You know what else? Something amazing happened the other day. My mum actually listened when I told her. She and I made a positive step forward in our relationship."

"That's awesome, Jess. I wish I had the same relationship with my mom. She and I will never be that close. "

She lowers her head sadly as she says this, and I turn her head back to look at me.