The Voice in the Dark Ch. 04

He really is quite something. <i Maybe there could at least be a chance? i>

I break off the kiss and look him straight in the eyes, knowing full well that I can't say for sure what he wants to hear.

"Neil. You know I find you very attractive too. But please understand that I am still figuring things out in my life and if you're looking for a more serious thing, I..."

He looks confused and his eyes drop to my mouth but he pauses to gather himself before speaking.

"I can't deny that you have been a big temptation for me for a long time, still are in fact. Give me your hand."

I do as he says and he places my hand on his chest to feel his rapidly beating heart. Then he allows me to slip my hand further down his stomach and to the big bulge between his legs. I want so badly to feel how hard he is for me and my breathing almost goes out of control but I reign in my urges and stop at his belt.

"No, I can't. You're a very attractive man, Neil. And I want you badly, but we need to be smart about this. Let's just take our time, and see if this can happen. You're going to be leaving soon, and I will be here. So we need to create a new dynamic between us.That may take some time. All I ask is that we don't rush. Okay?"

Neil breathes deeply as he absorbs my words. I feel awful for saying it but I know that it's all I can give right now. His body deflates but he still keeps his arms locked around my waist, where I am more than happy to be.

"I take it you're not saying, No? Right?" He chuckles, pulling me even closer and tickling me playfully.

I laugh and reply with, "No, it's not a <i No i>. But it's not a <i Yes i>, either" I offer up token resistance, but I am so excited by the way he is looking at me.

I feel ready to begin my life anew, and I am excited at the possibility. I place my hands on his face to pull his mouth to mine again. My pussy is aching for him, and my nipples tighten under my shirt as his hands move up and down my back. My hands move under his blazer to feel his beautiful masculine frame and I break off the kiss momentarily as my lips travel up his neck and nibble his earlobe.

"Oh, Jess. You're not making this easy for me. If you keep going, I will take you right here on my desk until you scream my name and I won't give a damn about who hears us."

I feel a shiver run through my body at his words, and I know that I wouldn't put up any resistance to that.

"Believe me, I want to desperately. But I don't want us to rush head first into anything. We should just let things happen naturally. Ya know."

Neil closes his eyes and reluctantly lets me go. We stand a good distance apart, but the pull to him is still so strong.

"Okay. If you say so, Jess. I can't say I know what to do next, but I know I want to see where things go with you. And god damn, I want you so bad. But you're right, it isn't appropriate while I am still here. Let's just agree to keep our hands off each other until I leave at the end of this week. Okay?"

I want to ask who is taking over his position, but then I remember that the new owner will decide that. I wonder how our department will be without Neil. I will miss seeing him around the office, but I also know that he is doing what is best for himself. And knowing that he was attracted to one of his employees without knowing for sure if she would reciprocate can't have been easy.

I liked to admire his fine body in a well-pressed suit, his warm, easy-going smile and his way of talking to you that never made you feel inferior. And I feel sad that I won't see him in the office anymore. But then I remind myself that this is just the beginning of a new chapter. The thought of it alone makes me want to grab him and snog his face off.

But I hold myself back, and breathe deeply. Even I am surprised by how much I want this man.

"Sure, that's not a problem. I just wanted to say thank you for always being good to me. You're a good boss, and you will certainly be missed around here. And I will admit, it's really hard to keep my hands off you right now."

We stare at each other with hunger in our eyes, but we maintain an appropriate amount of distance between us. We need to figure out where we go from here. Maybe it will work out and we will enjoy a newer, more intimate relationship than before, or perhaps we'll realise we're better as friends. But I am glad we are finally in a place where it's okay to be honest about what we want.

"How about we start with: Would you like to have coffee with me sometime, Jessica Ashton?"

<i Oh my. I like a man who takes initiative i>. I feel a small rush of feminine pride and smile a broad smile as I say:

"Yes. I'd love to. You can give me a call after Friday and we'll take it from there."

We stand staring at each other with a broad grin for a few more minutes before Neil then speaks again.

"Jess, can I ask a favour of you this week? Just a parting gesture? I need someone I can trust from this department, and Mr. Johnson Senior is coming to the office today to help me get the new owner settled. I know you finish in half an hour, but can you stay just a little longer to help me with something?"

I am more than happy to help him, given this is our last full week together and I nod enthusiastically.

"Of course. What do you need me to do, Boss?"

He chuckles, and then takes a deep breath as if preparing himself for what needs to be done.

"Let's go talk to the other head editors before the big meeting at 5:30."

I pick up my bag and move towards the door to hold it open for him, but he has beaten me to it and I walk in front of him with a stupid grin on my face. I hope he is using this as an excuse to check out my ass. I check over my shoulder and he can't help but smile wickedly as I do my best attempt at a sexy walk.

"Let's go, Boss. Duty calls."

<HR ***>

We sit in the conference room sometime later looking over documents, or at least, I am pretending to do so. What I'm really doing is trying to contain my nerves and find out what the source of my anxiety is.

The last hour or so has been good. Neil talked a lot about his resignation with the rest of the editors and managers from other departments to a mixed bag of reactions. Some even talked about the speech he gave yesterday to the Fiction Department, and I felt a pang of guilt that I was absent yesterday. I know that I just couldn't have handled that yesterday with my head being all over the place, but it is still sad to learn that I was the last person to know.

I wonder idly if that was why Gloria didn't say anything about it to me. Was it because she didn't know? Or maybe she was just wanting to know if I was okay before dropping such a big bombshell. I look at her on the other side of the table and flash her a smile to show her that I don't blame her, but the exact details of it will no doubt be dissected fully over the next week.

The managers and other heads of department are meeting at 5:30 every day this week to get the new owner up to speed. From the hard work that has already been done to start the transition process, it's clear that the new owner has a lot of expectations placed on him.

When the door finally opens to reveal Big Dick Johnson himself, I want to shrink into the background, or put all the attention onto Neil as I remember the last encounter I had with Mr Johnson Senior all too well. He comes into the room followed by his assistant and they all stand to attention as his son comes into the room after them both. I suddenly begin to feel the same butterflies in my stomach as Junior enters the room.

Their expressions are schooled into impassivity as everyone scampers to make sure they have everything they need to get started and they go around reintroducing themselves to everyone and it's not long until Neil and I are approached by Mr Johnson Senior.

"Neil. Nice to see you again. You'll be a great loss around here," says Mr Johnson Senior in that commanding voice of his.

"Thank you, Sir. I don't know if you remember Jessica Ashton here. She's one of the team members in the Fiction department."

"Ah yes, I remember. I hope you're feeling okay now, Miss Ashton."

I cringe inwardly but I shake his hand firmly and maintain eye contact with him.

"Much better, thank you Mr. Johnson. I am hopeful that I can help Neil leave the company in good hands."

"I am sure you'll be very beneficial in that process, Miss Ashton. I don't believe you have met my son, the new owner. Jack, come here, please."

Within moments, Junior joins his father, looking very handsome in his chinos and freshly pressed shirt. You wouldn't think he was in the breakroom not long ago looking like he had been dragged through a hedge backwards.

"You remember Neil, the head of the Fiction department. This is Jessica Ashton, one of his team members."

He frowns at me a little but his mouth then stretches into a genuine smile and he holds out his hand.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Ashton."

The sound of his voice gives me butterflies, and I feel a blush creep up my chest at how handsome he is but I hold my own as best I can.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Johnson."

"I am sure it will be very difficult to see your boss go, but I am looking forward to seeing what good things we can all do to help make this publishing house an even greater success than before."

I find that I am struggling to let go of his hand, or break away from his gaze. His deep brown eyes and easy way of talking, the relaxing sound of his voice. It all seems so familiar somehow, and as he lets go of my hand gently and moves on to talk to someone, I find myself rooted to the spot. Not quite sure what is going on.

<i What was that about? i> Neil puts his hand on my shoulder and we sit back down as Mr Johnson Senior begins talking.

For the next thirty minutes or so, I can barely concentrate as my mind is whirling. I make careful notes as an excuse to not look at the new owner. Instead, I focus my attention on Neil, Mr Johnson's speech and Gloria's discreet but amused face pulling.

I just don't know what is going on with me. It's like there's an itch that needs to be scratched. A memory just on the edge of my consciousness. And I can't for the life of me remember just when this has happened before.

"Miss Ashton. Are you okay? The heat isn't getting to you, is it?" asks Junior, in a concerned voice.

I am grounded by his question and Neil's reassuring hand on my shoulder as I sit upright in my chair.

"I, I'm okay, Mr Johnson. Really," I then look at Neil and smile at him brightly as the meeting begins to wrap up.

I collect Neil's documents and my handbag, hoping I can just escape the conference room without anyone seeing me, and I am successful. I am really perplexed at this very strange feeling in my gut and I can't quite shake the feeling that something isn't right here.

I breathe through my nose and out through my mouth to calm myself and wait for Neil to return some moments later, but my stomach swoops to the floor again as Junior follows behind him.

"Jess. Thanks for dropping off the files for me, I wondered if I left them there. And thanks for staying late. I was just having a nice talk with Mr.Johnson here. He has a lot of ideas for this department."

The two men together are like a sucker punch to my senses. They are dressed impeccably and look cool as a cucumber while I am shaking with nerves. I grip the handle of my handbag and smile as Neil talks with Mr Johnson.

I make conversation with them as best I can before I make my excuses and leave the building, finally being able to breathe again. And the niggling feeling just doesn't leave me, no matter how much I try to put it out of my mind.

< HR *** >

It is 5:30 on Friday afternoon and I have had enough. I've been trying to keep the roof on my anxiety all week.

I notice the way that Junior walks the halls of the office, trying to involve himself in all aspects of the job. This is something that any good business owner should do but I can't deny that it's annoying me. I want more than anything to march up to him and just start grilling him. < i But what about? i> I've never seen him before.

< i Have I? i> I have racked my brains for what feels like an eternity over this past week and no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to understand why his presence doesn't sit comfortably with me.

I see him walking around in his white shirt with the rolled-up sleeves and smart trousers. How they cling to his muscular arms and trim body. How his hands move through his dark hair in moments of stress and muss up his gorgeous tresses even more. His eyes scan the room with a look of intense concentration and I feel that unsettling feeling all over me when they are directed at me.

Then I begin to piece together why. It hits me like a wrecking ball and I almost fall to my knees at the shocking realisation.

I know that voice. I know that face. I have seen it every night in my dreams. Heard it when I touched myself. Heard it when I made love to Lucy, or seduced Neil. It's all just too much to take in.

< i It's Smith. My Smith. i>

<i What on Earth is he doing here? i>

That explains why I didn't manage to get more than the bare minimum of information out of him. And it also explains why he couldn't explain why he was so stressed out.

But then I remember him looking so tired and worn out in the bar. All those stolen moments we had where I could see him as a vulnerable, overwhelmed human being, rather than the all-knowing and powerful Master who could control my memories, my pleasure and ability to think rationally. His voice, combined with the heat of the day, are really testing my ability to concentrate on anything.

The thought makes me feel snappish. I want more than anything for his eyes to look into mine with recognition. To see me and desire me. < i Like I desire him. i>

Yes. Yes, I can't help it. I want my new boss to notice me. I want to finally be able to see him in the real world, and actually remember our time together. If only to prove to myself that he wasn't just a figment of my own imagination.

Funny how quickly he is now 'Mr.Johnson', rather than plain old 'Smith.' I am still reeling from the injustice of it all.

This was supposed to be a man I see once or twice on a night out, have a nice time in bed with then forget about. He wasn't supposed to turn out to be my boss. We couldn't be more different if we tried and I am glad that Neil is here so I don't start running my mouth to this man asking a million and one stupid questions.

< i Does he even recognise me? Like I do him? i> Even if he does, he gives no outward signs of recognition and that really pisses me off. I have dreamed about him, touched myself to the memory of his voice for weeks, and yet he barely recognises me.

< i Stop it! I tell myself. i> I have absolutely no right to get annoyed about this. For all I know, he may not even be < i Smith i>. I mean, I have no real proof, and even if I did, it wouldn't do me any good to bring it up with him.

We met a few times and had a wild, crazy night. So what? It happens to everyone at some point. I'm not even sure if we did have sex. Everything is so blurred that I can't even realistically ask what happened. <i Maybe it was all made up in my head? i>

< i What on Earth did he do to me? And why haven't I thought to question any of this until now? i>

I wrestle my wayward thoughts back to Neil as much as I can. If I can make things easier for both him and the company, then I will be doing my job, but I know that my heart isn't in it right now. Seeing Smith, or rather Mr.Johnson Junior, for the first time when I am not drunk or out of my mind horny, is sobering.

Wanting control over your own destiny isn't a bad thing. In fact, it's human to want that. I have wanted to feel like I am finally in control of my life after the upheaval in my teens following my father's death. To be my own person after finally freeing myself from my mother's control. And even after Justin caused me unbelievable amounts of pain after breaking up with me, the main thing I wanted was to feel normal again. I wanted to breathe easy without feeling like there was a tight steel band around my chest.

I realise now that I have clung to people who have given me security, and I have depended on that when I should have been finding ways to bring comfort and security for myself. Including latching onto this mysterious stranger I met in a bar a few times. In my dreams, he was strong, powerful, dominant and very sure of what he wanted. He could make me aroused by looking into my eyes for long enough, or control the pleasure I could feel with just the snap of a finger. I would have done anything to please him.

Yet, when I really look at him, I see a man who is all too human. Although he looks very put together and every inch like the son of one of the biggest names in the Media business, he doesn't seem quite so sure of his place in the world. It seems wrong to want him to fuck me like I am his property when he doesn't seem entirely sure of who and what he has dominion over.

<i What is wrong with me? Keep it together, Jess i>

I catch him in the break room staring into his coffee cup again. No doubt trying to remember all the things his father has told him, or what the managers or higher powers would like him to do. It's amazing how little people listen to him, considering this is the man who is supposed to be taking the reins soon.

I make my way slowly out, so as he won't notice me, when he suddenly says:

"Jess. I know it's you. You needn't run from me any longer. I am not here to make your life difficult."

I know I can't blame him for that, and I want so desperately to walk away with my head held high and a forgiving smile, but my nerves are shot to ribbons and I simply can't live with the uncertainty any longer. Checking to make sure no one else is there, I march over to him and begin to berate him.

"You don't get to tell me anything, Smith. If that's even your real name. You lied to me. And now I see the man who I have been wondering about for weeks in my office, who turned out to be my boss, and you think I don't have any right to be annoyed?"

He looks at me incredulously, but not with anger. It's like all the stress and upheaval going on in his life has sapped his strength and any witty reply Smith would have come up with just doesn't come from this guy.

"Okay. Just so you know, Smith is my Mom's last name, and I use it when I just want to be anonymous. It's a lot to live up to. Being a Johnson. Sometimes, you want to take a break from it all. Don't you have things you would like to escape from sometimes?"

My words catch in my throat at this very reasonable response. There's nothing I can say that won't make me sound like a complete arsehole but nonetheless, I have to get out what is bothering me.

"You're a stranger to me, and yet you got into my head and made me so desperate to... to... to get to know you, that I... I almost lost my job because of you. You have turned my life upside down. What do you have to say for yourself?!"

He pisses me off by chuckling under his breath, and I want to slap him so hard, but I know that I must restrain my temper. I am already in enough trouble, and I am not about to let this stranger dictate my life any more than he already has.

"Jess, I don't have anything to say, as I don't believe that there's anything to apologise for. I didn't really know you back then, and I still don't know you now. There is no sense in disregarding hard earned privacy for someone I barely know. I didn't know that our games were getting you into trouble, and if I did, I would have stopped. But really, what is done is done. What can either of us do about it?"