All Comments on 'The Wild Affair'

...how many times are you going to use "Couple #1"'s first names? You must've used "Jenni" and "Johnny" close to 40 times each in this brief tale!

And, in the 4th paragraph, you briefly slip into the first-person narrative...oops!

In all seriousness, this had a helluva lot of potential as a scorching bisexual foursome story, but it gets lost in the never-ending references to Jenni and Johnny...

No use going into specifics but I found the errors too distracting to read past the second paragraph.

The sex is exciting. But poor English distracts from yhe story.

This was no exception.

Present tense, in case you just don't know, means that you're sharing the details in "real time". "Jim leans over to Janet and wipes mustard from her chin." as opposed to "Jim leaned over and wiped the mustard from Janet's chin." The second sentence is "past tense, and it's the natural way to share a story.

Most of the time, when a person is telling a story, they're relating events, etc., that have already occurred. When you write in the present tense (events occurring while you describe them), it can be difficult, if not impossible, for your readers to relate to the story. Also, in a story written in the present tense, it's just as difficult to include dialog, for reasons that are self-evident.

When you add in the fact that you're apparently not a "polished" writer, along with the myriad typos, errors in grammar and punctuation, poorly chosen words, and so on, you really stacked the deck against yourself.

We're not looking for the next Dickens, Shelley or Keates here on Literotica, but when a person submits a story, it's going to be received in the manner it was presented. Submit a simple stroke story, and people are going to have a certain expectation. Submit it as a grand love story, with pretensions of sophistication, and people are going to have higher expectations. And you failed to meet those expectations with this one.

On the off-chance you decided to write more, how about lowering your sights?

Beside the comments of others, Grammer can be corrected.

Please keep writing.

Best wishes,

WZ

There's not enough build-up. You have a married couple who are touching each other's "forbidden places"??? Sorry, that falls flat. It's also not credible that some other couple would just "suddenly sneak up on them" so far out in the wilderness without a car being heard, or something. I, too, got distracted with the first person narrative, and only skimmed through the rest of the story after the first couple of paragraphs. No one here is making comments to be rude; I'm sure it's discouraging for you to read these criticisms but if you really want to write GOOD erotica, read more stories here that are written in an excellent way, and take notes as to what makes them so good. Learn the difference between first person and third person narrative. Learn how to include the details instead of rushing through every moment and every act. Good luck.

- but take heart. You've received honest, helpful comments, and you've popped your writing cherry on Literotica. Ignore the score, and learn from the experience.

I think you have the potential for a nice little scene here. Nothing too complex. If you want to improve as a writer, listen to the comments before mine. You might even try rewriting this story, and consider some of the following:

1) Pick one character, and write from their point of view (first person POV). Much hotter in a short story like this one. I would suggest Jenni, especially in light of the line in the fourth paragraph "The man kneels at my head placing his hard cock at my lips for me to suck." where you switched POV. Also, go for first person past tense. Recounting something that has already happened.

2) Add dialog. It helps. It helps a lot.

3) Tell us what the character is feeling as all this happens. Concerns? Excitement? Nervousness? Fear? Lust?

4) Bring in the other senses. Smell, taste, feel. Luxuriate in the details.

5) Use a grammar checker. Most of the spelling is fine, but there are tons of grammar errors. You could use some more commas as well.

An example of rewriting the line I mentioned: "The man kneels at my head placing his hard cock at my lips for me to suck."

---

The stranger, without so much as an introduction, knelt beside me and pressed the swollen head of his cock against my lips. "No..." I tried to tell him, but the moment I parted my lips, he shoved it in.

"Suck it," the mysterious man growled, holding my head as he leaned forward.

I opened my mouth wide, accepting him. I was ashamed to be so excited at the prospect of sucking another man, while my husband stared at me in wonder and dismay. Not ashamed enough to stop sucking.

OR ALTERNATIVELY

The handsome stranger knelt beside my head, his throbbing cock just beyond my lips. I looked up into his eyes, seeing his desire. I trembled to feel such raw lust inspired by me.

"Please."

His soft plea swayed me. I gazed into my husband's eyes, and smiled. I opened my mouth, Johnny's eyes widening in amazement, and allowed another man's thick shaft where none but my Johnny's had ever been.

---

Please don't take this wrong. Write. Write often. Reread, and rewrite. Read other's works and emulate their style until you find your own. But write. It takes work, and a thick skin, but we can always use another good writer on the site. The only way to get better is to keep writing.

Good luck, and congratulations on your first posting - TTT

As Tx Tall Tales writes, do not lose heart after receiving what is mainly constructive and positive criticism. It's your first submission, and people here would not waste time on feedback unless they genuinely wanted to see a second. That's a good sign.

My comment is a response to Annonymous. I understand everyone is not turned on by the same things but the fact you do not like sex between men is not a reason to leave negative comments. If you don't like the type of sex depicted, move on to another story. I would think anyone on this site would be a little more open minded.

If you're including bi material, particularly MM, it's a really good idea to signal that at the start.

Fast and furious, this one ... I love the outdoor setting and the bi-sexual nature of the sex. Very stimulating ... I also love the double-dong and strap-on ... These people came prepared (wink, wink) ... I've always wanted to be pegged by one of those ... Great quick read ... Enjoyed it!