The Wrong Choice

I started understanding what I wanted. And what I didn't want. And I didn't want my current life. There had to be more.

But along the way, the dreams started. Night after night. The door slamsopen, Nate walks in. A cloud of Nate, his spirit or something, fills the room and surrounds me. It feels good. Safe. Warm. Like home. I lock eyes and I see love, longing, lust, but also loneliness.

I reach out my hands, can feel his skin, say, 'I'm sorry. I love you' and prepare to kiss him.....And he starts to fade away. I scream for him not to go, but he slowly disappears and the door closes. The fog remains for a while and then it, too, fades. I feel cold again and awaken.

What does it mean? After all these years? Why would he look so lonely? Why does it always stop at the same place? Why don't we ever kiss? Once I get squared away, I need to look him up and find out what's going on in his life. Surely he's happy....right?

Six months later: If he's true to form, Brad'll sleep for most of the morning after his night out with who knows who. I'm going to grab some coffee and go across the street to Central Park. My only piece of nature. It's Spring and all the folks with binoculars will be looking for birds cruising on their way north. I think I would like that. Maybe if I sit on a bench and watch the ducks and stuff....

Sitting on the bench: God, my head has been such a mess. I've been so confused. But I am so, so much better. The noise is starting to disappear more and more. But I still need the plan. Or at least a plan. The next steps. A month, a year, five years. I need plans.

Maybe a therapist or a shrink could help me figure out next steps. No, I don't want to take the meds. Back to basics. Two columns. Pros and cons. Stay, change, leave.

I need someone to talk to. Not just me and the mirror. But who? Not my folks. Certainly not his. No one at work. Cara! Damn, but I got my panties all in a bunch when she told me about Nate. I was such an ass. And it's been so long. Not since graduation. Wait. I still have her number.

>Cara. If you still have this number please, please call me?

>Not Cara.

Let me try her email. What? Not deliverable? Maybe her folks? Wait. I don't know anything about her folks, where she grew up or anything. Did I ever know and just forgot? She was my best friend and roommate for three years and I don't know her home town? I never found out anything about her, did I? I swear she knew me inside out. I was such a miserable excuse for a friend. I've been so self-centered. But I'm going to do better.

Time for an internet search. Graduation. High school. Damn. She was a big deal in high school. I never knew. Or did I just forget? What kind of person was I? But no current work, address, nothing. Weird.

Maybe I should check me out. Strange that I never did that before. Shit! It's all Brad's work stuff. My marriage to most eligible bachelor. His fundraisers, balls, meetings, ribbon cuttings. Well, there's some of my charity stuff, but it refers to me as Brad's wife. Shit, shit, shit. Not much at all to show for being 30.

I think the time has come. Time to change some things in my life. Step off the cliff and free fall for a while until I land somewhere. Anywhere will be better than this.

But first, I think I'll sit for a bit longer and listen to the kids having a good time and watch the ducks, or maybe they're geese, swimming around. I'm going to have to start learning about birds. Get a pair of binoculars. Maybe one of those birders would show me how to start.

Later: "Brad, Honey. Can I get you some coffee?"

"Sure."

"Can we sit and talk for a few minutes. I...I need to clarify some things."

"Uh, sure, but I have golf later on."

"No problem. OK. Brad? I feel like we've drifted apart. We don't talk, only eat together for business, we don't touch, ask how the other's doing? And we haven't had sex in...quite a while."

"So you're saying, it's all my fault?"

"No, Brad. No! Not at all. I'm just describing what I have noted. Do you love me?"

"Uh, sure, I guess."

"No, I mean like LOVE. Love me? You can't wait to get home to see me. You think about me during the day. You can't wait to touch me...Did you ever love me like that? Please, Brad. I need honesty. I'm not going to scream, yell, pull out a gun or cry like crazy. Please. Just tell me."

"No."

"Then why did you marry me?"

"My dad said that if I wanted to be a senior exec. In the firm, I had to be married. You were beautiful, could talk to anyone about anything. And you've been a tremendous asset. An asset, to me and the company. The other senior execs and their wives love you.

"You manage to calm down the angriest employee, investor, whatever. God and you look great in all the pictures of the functions. Why do you think they all bring you out to talk to the press and others?

"And besides. You wanted get married. You know, that crazy five year plan of yours? After you dumped Nate, you practically begged me to marry you. It just seemed like the best thing to do."

I nodded. "Thank you for your honesty, Brad. I really appreciate it." And you're absolutely right.

"I know that you are having affairs. No! Wait! It's OK. I'm not judging or anything. I just need to know why? What's wrong? Wrong with with me?"

"I guess nothing's wrong with you, but after we've done it like a million times, I..."

"Just want something new." He nodded.

"But I figured it was alright. Just like when we were dating. You were screwing Nate all the time and I, well, I had a girl here and there."

"I never did anything with Nate, Brad. Only you."

"Get out of here. I thought we were dealing with honesty here."

"All we ever did was kiss. That's it." He started to laugh.

"You're shittin' me! What, was he gay or something?"

"No, he tried. I wouldn't let him."

"For what, nine months or something? What kind of guy would put up with that?"

"I guess a guy who loved me." He started laughing so hard he couldn't catch his breath.

"What, Brad? What is so stinkin' funny?"

"Oh, my sides hurt. You'd call me at ten or eleven, hornier than a dog in heat and practically tear my clothes off. I figured he just really sucked in bed so you came to me for some of the good stuff."

"Some of the 'good stuff,' Brad? If you do say so yourself. No, Brad. Actually, I got really excited kissing him. And needed something to relieve my tension. You were willing and available." I did really love those kisses and get excited, didn't I? Why the fuck didn't I do it with him?

"I always figured I was getting sloppy seconds, which was alright, but didn't you wonder why I never touched you down there and always wore a condom on those nights? I didn't want any of his shit on me. Sloppy seconds.! No way. Oh, God, Ashe. I haven't laughed this hard...." And I can't believe that I was so damn stupid.

"Brad? Is there any hope for us? I don't know how to fix things. Will it always be like this. We're like roommates."

"Fix what? We're great partners. We don't fuss or fight. We make a great team at work. You're still in great shape and take good care of yourself. You can do your thing. I do mine. Why change?"

"I think I need more, Brad."

"What kind of more, Ashe? What the hell does that even mean?"

"I want love. Passion. Meaning."

"All that stuff is a pipe dream, Ashe. Doesn't exist except in movies. It's not the real world. Look at all the stuff that you have. Where we live. The money we have. The people we mix with. Hell, it's everyone's dream. Look at our condo!

"Hell, you have a house keeper. A cook to make dinner. We have a driver to take us places.

"I know. It's been great, Brad. But I don't think this is what I want. It's not you. I'm the one changing. I would love it if you could, would change along with me, but you love everything about your life. I would be wrong to try to force you into something you're not. Something you don't want to be.

"What about kids, Brad? Do you ever think of having kids?"

"To be honest, no. Unless we had a nanny and shipped them off somewhere as soon as possible."

"Shipped them off?"

"Sure. Like my folks did. Made me the man I am now. Man about town. Captain of industry." You left out narcissistic, self centered, adulterer. "Being tied down and having to do stuff with little kids? God, that would be like some kind of hell for me? Can you imagine a couple of rug rats running around this place?

"We'd have to set it up like the ancient Greeks or Romans or some place, where the wives and kids lived in a separate household. How'd you like that, Ashe? Heck, you'd probably like it.

"So, Ashe, you're saying you want out? To end it?"

"I'm asking whether or not we can grow into something wonderful. Or is this it for the next forty years or so? Please. Just be honest."

"I can't see it changing. We've been married like seven years or so. I don't really want it to change. I like it just the way it is. Everyone knows about the seven year itch and what not.

"We could divorce, 'we just grew apart,' and no harm no foul with my folks and other partners. So if you want out..." All about you of course. And you're taking it just about as hard as when I broke up with you. Oh, Ashe.

"You would need to leave the company. I couldn't have one of our HR execs be my ex-" I nodded.

"I understand." My job is worthless and I only exist to make you more successful.

"And with the prenups we both signed...should be quick and simple. You do understand that this apartment and everything in it is mine, or rather, supplied by the corporation?" I nodded.

"So, Brad. Let's do it. Let's get the divorce. But I'd like to ask for a couple of things."

"Remember the penalty clauses if you fight it, Ashe?"

"No. Nothing like that. Could I have some of our wedding pictures?"

"You can have them all." So, now I know what I really meant to him. I have wasted all these years. More, when I think about the year I wasted with Nate. I am such a fuckup.

"The other thing is I'd like to quit immediately. I have some PTO time which would cover a two week's notice. I don't want, you know, to go to the office while we're in the middle of the divorce. It'd give me a chance to find a place and get situated. Find a new job. All those kind of things." He nodded.

"And your company will give me a good letter of recommendation and not blackball me or anything."

"Agreed."

"And the company attorneys will handle it or do I have to get my own?"

"If we stick to the prenups, mine is mine. Yours is yours. It should be an easy, amicable split."

I moved forward, he flinched, I hugged him then gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "Thank you, Brad. Thank you for your honesty and understanding. You've provided me with a life like I could hardly imagine and so many other things." And damn both of us to hell for fucking up each other's lives. "I'm going to pack a few things and stay at a hotel.

"I'll come in Monday after you go to work and pack up the rest of my things. I'll probably have to put them in storage. Have a good golf game." And I'm taking my coffee cup and that frickin' frying pan I gave you. I love it. Just dare tell me I'm being petty.

Sitting in the hotel. Time to make some phone calls. And start making plans. But only for the transition. I'm leaving the future open. I think I need to be open to possibilities. For a change. No plan. Yet. But i have to remember. 'Every day is a new beginning.' Who said that? T.S. Elliot or someone. How the heck did I think of that?

Phew! What a week. All packed up and stored. Well, really not much to store. Just a few of my clothes, books, mementoes. Not much to show for seven years. Our finances are already separate. I have a huge savings account since I never have to buy anything. Now what?

I need to take a couple of weeks to recoup and figure out where, what and when. But where? Something keeps nagging at me. Small town, mountains, trees, nature. A different pace. Peace and quiet. Calm. And a sauna. Yes. There has to be a sauna. And mirrors. Let's see.....

Heck. Too many places. Wait, here's one. A resort in Vermont. It's nestled in the trees. Mountains all around. Nice little town that celebrates each season. It looks like a movie set. So cute! And I could be there for the Spring Festival. Done. Five and a half, six hours away. I need to rent a car. Heck, I probably need to buy one some time. I don't think I'm going to stay in NYC.

This town is wonderful. It IS just like a movie set. Even better than the pictures. Look at all the cute little stores. Lots to explore and putz around in. Now to find the resort...Through town, up the hill. My, my. This place looks incredible. Look at all the wood. And stone. It looks right at home here in the woods. Let me get registered. "Hello. Checking in?" I nodded. "Name?"

"Ashley Stone." I may need to change my last name back, but not now.

"All set, Miss Stone. Here's a map to the grounds. Pool, the indoor one is heated, sauna and wellness center, restaurant, coffee. We have many planned activities, hikes, mountain biking, horse back, a shuttle into town. Any way, here's a schedule for tonight and tomorrow. And, of course, you can sit and listen to the birds. It's spring time so it's time for the spring chorus.

"Spring chorus?"

"Yup. Starting just before sunrise, the birds all go crazy. Finding mates. Staking out their territories. Strutting their stuff. You know? Those kinda things. Dozens of different songs. Goes for a few hours and then fades as they go for breakfast and the like."

"Not sure I'll be up at dawn to hear it."

"Try leaving your window open. You'll hear it. In any event, we are here to make your stay great. Any questions?"

Holy shit. I'm going to love this place. Just what I needed. I love the room. Not what I'm used to, by any stretch of the imagination. But the kind I think I love. Maybe? Homey. Comfortable.

And I have a whole week. Or longer if I want. Let's see. First, some dinner, then a walk around the grounds, and a glass of wine in front of the fire. Sunrise yoga in the morning. And maybe I could hear the birds during yoga!

Well. Maybe. Or I could just sleep in....

I slept like a rock. Except for my Nate dream. Still no progress there. Why does it always stop when I say I love him? Yoga was great. And the birds. So many voices. Now some breakfast. And then what?

Oh, look at those two little girls with their backpacks. Must be off to school. I guess they live here. Weird, they look, I don't know, 'familiar' somehow. And look at all that red hair.

That hair needs a good combing though. They need it brushed out before they head to school. Mom needs to spend a few minutes with them. But it's probably chaos in the morning. No way I can judge. No way I could have met them before now, right?

So what now? Not sure horse back riding is ready for me. I pity the poor horse. I''d be so nervous I'd probably yank that bit right out of his mouth. But some day soon. And I want some nature. Think I'll hike to the falls. Only a half mile to the first set, but then I can hike up along the 'lovely cascading falls' to the top.

Four miles total round trip. I can do that. It does say demanding on the second part and cautions that the rain has made it slippery. Oh, what the heck. I have these fancy new boots and, well, I think I'm in pretty good shape.

Spring. Listen to all the birds. He was right. I used to know a bunch of them. And trilliums. They're beautiful. But the falls. Holy crap. They're wonderful and listen to all the noise it's making. I shut my eyes and opened my still city trained senses. So many different components to the water. It's chaos, lots of minor variations, but organized and calming at the same time.

Could I figure out how to really embrace that feeling? Calm amid the chaos? Well, I guess I'm starting. I'm so much better than I used to be. Have to see the rest of these falls.

Yup, they were right. This upper part is 'demanding.' And muddy. My lugs are getting full and losing their grip. Better hang on to some bushes as I go up. Come on, Ashe. You can do it.

If Brad and my co-workers could see me now they wouldn't believe it. Crawling up the hill on all fours, covered in mud. Heck, even my face has mud on it. I hear more falls just ahead, but I need to stand up a minute.

Shit! I'm sliding backwards on my hands and feet. Nothing to grab. Maybe if I stand up, turn around and sit....

She stood, turned, and slammed face to face into an immovable object. The object then toppled backwards and she slid with it for another twenty feet. Then stopped with her on top. Looking straight into his face. The object started laughing causing her to bounce up and down.

"Whoa! Now that was fun. I think I'm going to get quite a lump on my forehead. Miss, are you alright?"

"Oh! I am so sorry. I....Nate! What?"

"Ashe?" She scrambled to get up and her knee hit him where it hurts. He groaned and clutched feeling the pain creep up and increase.

"Oh, shit. I am sorry. I..."

"Still a ball buster I see." Tears sprang to her eyes.

"Nate. I am so sorry for the way I treated you. For what I did to you. It was wrong, so wrong. I've screwed up so many things. Hurt so many people. You. Cara." He winced. "I wish I could go back and erase the last decade. Declare a do over, but I can't. All I can say is I am sorry."

"Apology accepted. Pardon me while I readjust things a little." He turned his back. "Life never follows our plans. Too many surprises. But you had a plan..."

"Yup. The wrong plan. A plan that led me down the wrong path. Heck. Many wrong paths. You know, as I look back, I've kind of been living in a corn maze or something. Every time I think I'm headed in the right direction, have things figured out, I hit another dead end. I back up and try another, only to hit another dead end. Now, here I am. Hoping to find a new path. A path that might not get me to the exit, but one that doesn't head right into another dead end.

"So, since my plans all took me down the wrong paths...to dead ends. I am officially planless now. Not sure what I'm going to do next."

"Holy crap. Ashely Stone, planless? But," glancing at her ring, "you're still married, right?"

She looked down. "I'm in the process of divorcing. One of my many mistakes. Should have never happened." She took the ring off along with her engagement ring and threw them in the stream. "Don't want those any more.

"What about you? I see a ring on your hand."

He looked down, pain on his face and eyes glistened, "Widowed. I...I...should take it off, but..."

She reached a hand out, but then stepped forward and hugged him. "I am so sorry, Nate. It's not fair. Not right. All the things that happened to you. Me, your mom, your PhD, and now this?"

She started crying onto his shoulder. "You're such a wonderful person who gives so much to the world around you. Oh, Nate. What you must be going through. If I can help..."

She realized what she was doing and jumped back. "I'm sorry, Nate. I have no right. I...I'm probably making things worse. I...I'll just head back. And look. If I am going to make it harder for you or make things worse...in any way...please just tell me. I'll go. I'll check out. Maybe I should just leave anyway."

She stepped around him and started to slide again. He put an arm out and easily stopped her. "Don't you want to see the rest of the falls? I have to check out the trail, so why don't you join me?"

She gave him a quizzical look. Why is he doing this? "Sure. That'd be great unless you plan to throw me over a cliff or something." He chuckled.

"No. But there was a time..."

She touched his arm. "I'm sorry, Nate. I was so messed up. Heck, I'm still messed up. No husband, no kids, no job, no prospects and here I am playing in the mud trying not to fall apart."