The Wrong Choice

He took her hand and helped her up the trail. "Nate! They're amazing. Thank you for helping me get up here. When it's less muddy, I'm going to have to come and sit here and just listen. So, tell me, why are you on this muddy trail so early in the morning? Do you live around here?"

"Yes. I, uh, work at the lodge. And I check things out for the guests. This was last on the list."

"Must be wonderful. All I had was Central Park, which was nice, but nothing like this. And we worked so much...."

"We being you and Brad?"

"Yea. Brad and all the glitz and glamor. Everything I thought I wanted."

"You got your pictures in the news a lot. At all kinds of events. Lots of charity stuff."

"You saw those?"

"Yea. We kinda kept track." We?

"They wanted me to be the 'face' of the firm. So gave me a dead end job and pulled me off the shelf to talk to the right people and be out front for all the photos. Hated it. I was the dumb, but articulate, good looking blonde for the company and eye candy for Brad. I was great for the corporation. Not a very rewarding career or life for me. So I made a change.

"What about you, Nate?"

He started to speak, but then stopped. "We should probably head back. Watch your step going down or we'll slide again." What the heck is that all about?

"Nate, I'm all muddy. I can't go into the resort like this. I'll get mud every where. And the place looks so nice. What should I do?"

"We can head to the spa, take off our shoes then change into scrubs or something." He guided her around to the spa, pulled out a card and entered a side door."

They heard a laugh. "So who won?"

Ashe looked up. "Won?"

"Yea, the mud wrestling contest? You can't get that muddy very easily." Ashe laughed too.

"Well, I guess you could say I came out on top?"

Skeptically, with a questioning look at Nate. "Really? With this brute."

"She failed to mention, Olivia, that she pushed me down and jumped on top."

"How interesting...." He blushed. Ashe laughed.

"Any way. Olivia, this is Ashe, Ashley. Can we get some scrubs and a quick shower and some bags for the clothes. We'll ditch our shoes here."

"Sure, lumpy. What, are you trying to be a unicorn or something?"

"What?" She pointed at his forehead and he ran a hand across it and winced.

"You know what they say about hard headed women?"

"Yea...Sure. Separate showers I assume." Nate colored again. "Just kidding, Boss. Ashe, why don't you follow me and we'll let the mud wrestling loser fend for himself."

"Olivia. That was wonderful. I feel clean again. Thank you."

"My pleasure. Why don't you let me take all your muddy stuff to the laundry and then we'll get it back to your room."

"No. That wouldn't be right. Just give me some kind of garbage bag. I can just..."

"No, no. Just part of what we do. Folks get dirty here. We want them to get dirty. It's part of 'the experience.' So, we're set up to help out. And besides, you gave that guy the biggest lump on his head....Maybe pounded some sense into that thick skull of his. I'll bet he gets a shiner out of it. That would be so cool."

"Olivia? You called Nate your Boss?"

"Well, yes, I guess. I mean I run the spa and he's not allowed to mess with it. But he is the owner of the whole thing, so I guess he's my boss. I used to report to....well it doesn't matter." Ashe noted the look of loss on her face.

"So where is that boss of yours?"

"Probably in his hell hole."

"What?"

"Hell hole, office. Same thing in his case. Flat out scary in there. Chaos. I can't stand it. I put up a sign, 'Enter at Your Own Risk. Cannot be responsible for items lost, etc.'" They both laughed. "Here, I'll take you."

"Holy crap, Nate! Olivia was right. This is a hell hole! And you kind of left out that you were the owner. This was your mom's place. The one you left school to manage?"

He nodded. "Cara told me at graduation. I..." she stopped dead. A wedding picture. "Cara! You married Cara!" He nodded. "And now she's dead? Cara's dead?" He nodded. "Oh, Nate. I am so, so sorry for you. She was such a great person. I know she must have made you so happy. Maybe fixed some of that hurt I caused?

"Wait! Those two little girls! With that long, straight red hair. I saw two little girls on their way to school that looked so familiar. Their yours! Yours and Cara's!" He nodded.

"And I didn't know. I didn't know about you. Didn't know about Cara. God, I've been so out of it. What the hell kind of person have I been? I'm sorry. I...I have to go!" She ran, crying back to her room. Curled into a ball for a while, sobbing. Maybe another shower and washing my hair.

She took off the scrubs and as she walked towards the bathroom she noted her reflection in the mirror on the closet door. She was once again pulled towards the image of the girl in the mirror. Their eyes locked. They had to meet. Again. Had to unify. Become one again. All her practice had helped. Helped a lot, peeled some layers, but...She needed answers.

Breaking eye contact, she grabbed a chair, put it in front of the mirror on the closet door and started staring at the person in the mirror as she'd done before. Who was she? When did I lose touch with the young girl who was so confident, sure of herself, loving, caring, giving...Where is she? I have to find her. I've been getting closer. Finding pieces of her. But...

She cried as she continued to search those eyes. Focusing. Looking inside through the lens of those eyes. One hour. Two. Finally, eight hours later a key was turned, a lock removed and a door opened. She started to sob. Groans of pain from deep within her chest escaped.

I feel like I'm at a funeral or something. How many emotions can a person feel at once? Grief, anger, hate, fear, uncertainty. Wave upon wave of emotion and feeling...and memories. Good ones, bad ones. Man alive!

Talking to the girl in the mirror, "I am so sorry for what I've done to you. For the choices I've made. I will do better. Promise. Just help me out some, OK. Guide me."

She completed her quest for self acceptance. Self forgiveness. She started to cry harder. Tears of release. Tears of regret. But with each tear that rolled off her cheek, she felt lighter. The final heaviness that had plagued her was dripping away with her tears.

Grieving for Cara, the loss of a good friend and prayers that she would forgive her as she forgave herself. Experiencing the pain she caused Nate and the 'might have beens.' And letting thm go. Praying for forgiveness and guidance to help set things right and help him if he needed it.

Forgiveness for her parents who were cold and emotionally unavailable. She realized that her parents were just people and couldn't be the people she'd wanted them to be. She missed them. Despite all that.

I need to put that on my to do list. Maybe we can build a relationship. They'll crap when I tell them I left Brad and all that life behind. And even more if I step forward and hug them. Can't wait.

She released the pain and regretfulness for the years she'd wasted, and made a vow to make up for them. To live a life worthwhile and help others with their struggles. And finally she overcame the fear. The fear of having no plan, no job, nothing but uncertainty.

It will happen as it is supposed to happen. I'll do fine no matter what. I know I will. I'll remain focused on the Buddhist saying, how's it go? 'It is enough.' Focus on what I have, not what I don't have.

The walls around her heart crumbled and she felt ready to love again. But I'm really still in love, aren't I? In love with Nate since our first date. Our first kiss. But there's no way I can expect him to love me at all, is there?

Every day is a new beginning. My new mantra. I can't change the past. So have to make the most out of today and make that girl in the mirror proud of me each day.

Waves of relief and a new freedom of spirit engulfed her and covered her like a warm blanket. The calm she'd been searching for filled her. Regret was replaced with hope. Chaos with clarity. She felt...joy. She stumbled to the bed and fell asleep.

"Olivia. Hi. Here're the scrubs back. Thanks so much. Uh, can I ask you, and you don't have to answer. I was Cara's roommate in college. I, well, I lost touch with her after graduation. How did she end up here?"

"So you're 'that' girl. Thought so. Nate hired her. I guess she had trouble finding a job. She was incredible. His mother really didn't know how to run a business. And neither did Nate. The business was drowning in red ink. The place was a wreck. Not enough guests. Nothing for them to do.

"Cara worked with Nate and started all these activities, created an online presence. All the different sites. Put up things around town. Worked with local farmers, bakeries, flower shops. Plugged it as a wedding destination, team building for business. All sorts of stuff. She got rid of the dead wood and replaced them with bright eyed, enthusiastic guest oriented workers. Like me!

"But mainly, she fixed Nate. He was kinda empty and overwhelmed."

Tearing up. "I did that to him, Olivia. It was the biggest mistake of my life. All he wanted to do was love me. And I was so locked up. So closed. So analytical. I couldn't do it. I was just so screwed up. They must have hated me."

"No. Actually, the few times I heard your name it was always positive. Never heard anything ugly.

"But in any event, Cara fixed him. Made him smile, laugh. Within a year they were married. Baby one. Baby two right on her heels. A pause and then started working on baby number three."

"What happened to her, Olivia?"

"She had one of those things in her head. An aneurysm. Turns out her mom and uncles did too. But they never told her. She could have been checked, but didn't know. It ruptured. She died almost immediately. He found her on the kitchen floor."

"Oh, God. Just like they found his mom!"

"Yup. Almost the same spot.

"So, he's back to not smiling or laughing much and the business is sinking again. As i said, Cara worked with all the folks in town and we fed each other business. There're things for folks to do here, but it's the same old things, nothing new, and all the celebrations have disappeared.

"So, Ashe, if I may, tell me, why are you here? Why after, what eight years or so, why do you suddenly show up out of the blue?"

"Olivia, I didn't know he was here. Honest. I picked the place out from an online search. I guess it was Cara's web page that sold me. My husband and I just decided to divorce, I quit my job....And, I just needed to go to the woods and find some peace. And figure out what was what and make some plans.

"Instead I found Nate. I spent most of yesterday soul searching and working on a lot of baggage. I think the mirror and I have come to an agreement."

"Ah, the dreaded mirror. Been there before. You can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to the person in the mirror. So, as my dad used to ask all of my suitors, what are your intentions towards my favorite boss?

Ashely smiled, "At least yours cared. Mine never gave a crap. So, my intentions, now that I know he's here and what's happened are two fold. First, I would trade every ounce of happiness I could ever have if I could make HIM happy and take away HIS pain." Olivia nodded. "Second, I have to do something with that office!" They both laughed.

"No, really. I have a business, Human Resources background. His books have to be a mess. How does he even know whether he's making money or not?

"I'll need a few weeks, but I could get this business organized. Of course, he may want me to get the hell out of Dodge. And that's OK. Whatever he wants."

"But not what you would want." She shook her head. "I kinda doubt that he'll kick you out. He seemed a lot happier after that hike even if you did give him a set of black eyes."

"No! No I didn't, did I?" But they both laughed as Olivia nodded her head.

"He looks like that Uncle Festus or whatever his name was on the Adams Family." They laughed. "He's in his den right now. You should go now and present your second proposal. Let the first happen as it may."

"I agree." She stepped forward and hugged Olivia. "Thank you, Olivia. Thank you for for filling me in and...thank you for being a friend."

"Go get 'im, Ashe."

Ashe walked into Nate's office and he looked up. She burst into laughter. "Oh, damn, Nate! I am so sorry." Taking a deep breath and then losing it again. "But...oh, heck, I can't even talk. Wait a minute. Just give me a minute. Nope not working. I'll be right back. I feel like it's one of those movie out takes."

She turned and left. Eased her laughter. Re-entered the room and started laughing again. He just stared at her. "OK, Nate. I think I have my stuff together. It's just...all the bruising around your eyes. Like in a cartoon or movie or something."

He smiled. "Shoulda seen the other guy."

She started laughing again. "I am the other guy. And I don't even have a lump. I'm sorry, Nate. Are you alright? You don't have like a concussion or anything, do you?"

"No, Ashe. I'm fine. Remind me not to tangle with that hard head of yours."

"What'd the girls think?"

"They loved it. We had to take a selfie. They reminded me that Halloween was over. In fact the girls think they have a cool zombie dad and I had to walk like Frankenstein and chase them all over. I had to chase them to the car this morning.

"That's so cute." And it could have been mine. Oh, well. Past is past. She laughed again. "I've got an idea. I'll talk to Olivia and we'll build one of those inversion tables. Hang you head down. And all the color will go back up to your scalp. Can you do your work upside down?

"Great idea, Ashe. I'll take a pass.

She reached out and gently ran her finger tips along the bruises. "Does it hurt? Can I get you some ice or something?"

"Nope. It's fine. So what's up, Ashe?"

"Nate...OK. So first, I had no idea you were here. I needed to get away and saw the add for the resort. Second, it is great to see you again. I...well, another time. And third, could we get coffee or lunch or something and talk for a bit?"

"Sure. Why don't we meet for lunch and get a sandwich."

"Great. See you then. Off to morning yoga." And to plan my strategy. God, I'm so nervous. What if he says no. He won't Ashe. Just relax. I need more mirror time. More clarity. But all in all, hell, 'I feel grrrreat.' As Tony says.

She got there early. As Nate approached she stood up. Formal? Yes. Business like. But that's what she wanted, for now. One thing at a time. "Nate! Thanks for meeting with me. I've been talking with Emily. She seems great at her job by the way, and recommended the cheeseburger deluxe with fries. Sorry I didn't wait, but..."

"That's fine, Ashe. My schedule's so nutty... Hi, Emily. Can I get what she's having?"

"Sure, Nate. Be back in a jiff. Thought you might, so chef's already working on it."

"I thought you'd be having something exotic and off the specialty menu. After all, living on Central Park. Not many burger places around."

She took the hit. "True. And most of my lunches were business lunches. Dinners with Brad and clients. Formal get togethers on the weekends. Wining and dining. All with plenty of the finest food. But, whenever I got a chance, I'd sneak out to a food truck or to some hole in the wall diner to get the food I really like. I....

"And that's part of what I want to talk to you about. There's so much I want to talk to you about. But not today. I'd like this to be a business meeting. I want to ask you some questions, get a feel for where the resort is at and then give you my proposal. It'll be, well, I hope it will be, painless."

"So you'll be like a business consultant."

"Maybe. First and foremost, do you like being here and running the inn?"

"Yes."

"What part of it do you like the best?"

"Dealing with guests, taking them on nature hikes, horseback, bird watching and then tubing, cross country skiing and all those kinds of things in the winter."

"Do you do that? Do you have time?"

"Nope. Too bogged down. I never get time off. No vacations with the girls. Seems I'm always working and I feel badly about it."

"OK. So the business side has you too tied up. Are you making money?"

"I think so. I don't really find out until the end of the year. When taxes are done. You know, each month I pay all the employees and cover all the overhead and if there's still some money I take a salary."

"Shit, Josh. Let me guess. You don't know how many employees you have. No health insurance or retirement. You just give your accountants piles of receipts and pay them a fortune and drive them nuts. You don't know your occupancy rate. You don't know which seasons or activities the guests like best.

"The business is run the way your office looks and you're so bogged down you can't do the things you like best. Like spend time with your daughters who you'll find will grow up faster than you can believe. And, who, especially now, really need their dad. Right?"

"Yea, I guess. You're saying I'm a loser?"

She touched his hand. "No! No, Nate. I'm just sort of showing you that you're not a business person. That's all.

"But I am. And a damn good one. I have a proposal."

"Is this going to hurt?"

"Nope. Or at. Least I hope it won't. All you have to do is give me access to your office and your financials. What software program do you use?"

"Not sure."

"Alrighty then...We start at the beginning. I can do this, Nate!"

"Why would you do it, Ashe?"

"I want to. I need to. For me. For you. For....Cara. For the girls. Please, Nate?"

"I don't think I could pay you, Ashe."

"I have plenty of money. But room and board? Not a guest room. You need those. Or will if my plans work. An employee overnight place would be fine. I have the time. I have the desire. Please, Nate. No strings. No commitments," quietly, "unless you want."

Quietly and looking down, "And, Nate? I know I hurt you and made you life miserable. So...if it is easier for you...I'll just leave."

"Nope. Not necessary. Let's give it a try. When do you want to start?"

"As soon as I finish this burger. It's terrific by the way. I'm going to have to meet the chef."

"Ashe! What are you doing? This is the third night in a row. It's after midnight."

"Really? I guess the time just got away from me. This is fun. I love it. And I'm making great progress. Software in. A bunch of info in. There are a number of bills I found that need to be paid, but I wanted to see where we stood financially before I worked on them. I....Nate why are you looking at me like that? Did I do something..."

"What was wrong? What was wrong with me, Ashe? Why couldn't I make you love me?"

She stood. "Wrong with you! Nothing! Nothing at all, Nate. You were wonderful. Perfect. Everything I could have wanted." Tears started rolling down her cheeks. She mopped them with her finger tips. "I knew on our first date that you were the one, but I was scared. So scared, Nate!

"My dad said he loved me, but left when I was little. My grandfather loved me, but then he died. The guy I dated in high school for three years said he loved me and left. The same for the guy sophomore and junior year. I got so locked down. So protective of letting myself love again.

"And I really didn't know how to open up anyway. My mom was emotionless. She just kinda shriveled up when my dad left. No touching, hugging, I love you's.

"I knew if I ever let you even touch my breast, and I knew how hard you were trying, believe me. I knew if I ever let you do it I would let out a big groan and be yours forever. I was cruel, mean. It was awful what I did to you.

"I'm sorry, Nate. I know I hurt you. I made list after list of the things I wanted. You vs. Brad. And he won every time, but despite that, despite my list, I made the decision to go all in for you. Unlock everything and let you in fully and completely.