The Wrong Choice

She sighed. Her tongue continued to play with his as they kissed. Pulling back, she broke the kiss. "I do love the way you kiss, Nate. It's so wonderful. Perfect." And I want to rip your clothes off more than anything in the world. But I know if I do, I'll be head over heels in love with you. Gone. And then you'll leave. I can't. I just can't go through that again. And my plan! You just don't match my plan.

Every time I unlock my heart I get hurt. I have to be careful. And what kind of future could we have? I mean, he wants to be some kind of forest ranger or environmentalist or something. I...I just don't know if that is going to be enough for me.

They continued to kiss. His hand slowly crept across the side of her chest and eased slowly onto her breast. She felt it ease forward and suppressed a moan of anticipation. But...She gently pushed his hand away. The feeling lingered. Nate, if you only knew how much I want that. But...

He slowly started sliding a finger between the buttons of her blouse. Frontal assault. She tried hard not to moan and gently pushed his hand away again. Damn! It's getting harder and harder to say no to him.

He slid her hair aside and gently kissed her neck, and then the hollow at the base. She did moan then. Her phone alarm went off. Thank God! I was about to crack.

"Nate. I'm sorry, but I have to go. I have a paper due and a test coming up. But I had the best time tonight. The meal and then the dance. Thank you."

"It's only ten, Ashe. It's Friday."

"I know, but I really have to get going."

"Where are we headed, Ashe? We've been dating quite a while and, well, I sort of feel like we're in neutral. You won't let me touch you. You limit the amount of time you spend with me? Is there something I'm doing wrong? Is there someone else? Are you afraid I'm going to hurt you or something?"

"No, Nate, no. I know you wouldn't hurt me." Although I'm scared to death you will. "I can't explain it all. I can't. I'm sorry. Give me time. Just give me some time. Please!"

"OK, Ashe. No pressure. I...well, this is just kind of strange. Here. Let me walk you back to the dorm."

After a final good night kiss. "Thanks again, Nate. Will you call me tomorrow?"

"Sure, Ashe."

As soon as he got into his car and drove off to his apartment. God! I am so fucking horny. I think my ovaries are about to explode. He drives me crazy. But I know damn well that if I ever went to bed with him I would be his hook, line, and sinker. No escape. Too scary. But shit! I have to do something.

"Brad? Are you doing anything right now? Could I come over for a visit?"

"Sure, Ashe. Always a pleasure to see you."

She ran to her car and drove to Brad's apartment. Tapped on the door. As soon as he opened it she grabbed and kissed him. "Come on, Brad. No time to waste." She dragged him to the bedroom and shed her clothes. Damn! My underwear and pants are wet. Oh, Nate.

She lay on the bed and spread her legs. Brad approached, put on a condom and entered her. No kissing, no preliminaries. He knew the drill. Hard and fast. His cock slid in and out easily from all the lubrication. In just a few moments she started to tense and squeeze his arm. She shoved upward with her pelvis and groaned.

"Oh, Brad. Thank you." He kept pounding hard and fast until he tensed and then relaxed. He pulled out and took the condom off. Why does he always wear a condom? I guess just being careful.

She kissed him and ran her arms over his chest, back, arms. God, nothing like football to get a guy in shape. But Nate is in pretty good shape too. Brad played with her breasts and lowered his head to suck on her nipples. She groaned.

She started stroking his cock and pushed his hand towards her crease, but he put it back on her breast. Within a few moments he flipped her onto all fours, put on a new condom, and slid back in. Hard. Fast. Just the way she always wanted it. She tensed and relaxed a couple more times, but he never changed his pace. He ignored it. He just wanted his own.

Finally he came a second time. Pulled out. Got up and walked to the kitchen to get something to drink. She got dressed, went out and kissed him. Long and hard. "Thank you, Brad. Just what I needed. You're so great!" Actually, you're not.

"I'm free tomorrow night. How'd you like to show a girl a good time?"

"I can't, Ashe. Football stuff. What about Sunday? Why don't I pick you up at six and we'll go get something to eat and then see what pops up."

"Sounds great. See you then." Another kiss, back to the car, and back to the dorm. All by 11:30.

"One semester to go 'til we graduate, Cara!"

"I know. Pretty exciting. I have to admit, I'm getting nervous. The job market's pretty tight for someone like me with a Parks and Rec. major. All the cities are cutting back since the economy sucks so badly. I've sent out dozens of letters and so far, not even a nibble.

" 'We need someone with experience.' Maybe, but maybe you need someone who is bright eyed and bushy tailed and can't wait to dive in and create new opportunities for people of all ages."

"Well, I'm sold. Tell you what. I've had advertising and a lot of Human Resources stuff as part of my business degree. Why don't we sit down and go over your resume and your responses to any questions they have on the application. Especially when it comes to selling yourself as a potential valuable member of the team.

"And with my creative writing minor, I can make up a bunch of lies about you...."

Laughing. "Jerk! Why, oh why, am I willing to be your roommate year after year? But that'd be great. What about you? Have you started looking for a job?"

"Nope. But I have been working on my five year plan. And a little on my ten. Job that I love in location I love. Married within a year of graduation. Baby within two and then another on the way as quickly as I can so they have each other to play with. Then maybe a third? I don't know."

"So who's the lucky guy? Or is that TBD?"

"To keep on schedule it needs to be either Nate or Brad."

"Wholly crap, Ashe. Those guys couldn't be more different and....I mean, Brad is loaded with money. Fancy car, wardrobe to die for, big shot on the football field and sports, and he's moving right into his dad's investment company when he graduates, right?" She nodded.

"Nate is into environmental stuff and ecology and is headed towards Master's and PhD. He'll be a poor student for at least another four years and instead of ending up in NYC like Brad, he could be....well, he could end up anywhere BUT NYC."

"Yup. A real dilemma. I put together all these pro/con lists and Brad wins every one. But, Nate is just so nice, will do anything for me, and, I don't know. He just kinda feels so comfortable. Like I belong or something. No doubt, Nate would really fuck up my career, but his babies would be so cute...And I'm more than eye candy to him."

"So you've been dating both of them for what? Nate since second semester last year? And Brad since the beginning of Fall semester, right? So four months of Brad and nine or so of Nate?" She nodded.

"Soooo, the million dollar question....How are they in bed?"

"Well, Brad is quick, efficient. A little too much all about himself. And won't come anywhere near me down there once he's dumped. Even if he wore a condom. A little weird. But, oh, that body of his...."

"You mean, no oral and he'll only come once?"

"No. He'll do it again. He just doesn't want to touch it. I don't know. We'll have to work on that."

"So what about Nate?"

"I don't let him do anything but kiss me."

"WHAT! WHY? You're with him a few times a week?"

"I don't know. I'm just afraid that if I do....I'll be sucked down the rabbit hole again. I guess I've been scared of getting hurt again. It was so awful before."

"Ashely. You need to get over that douche bag from sophomore year. Shit, girl. But you're not coming back to the room early. What do you do?"

Looking down. "I make Nate take me home early 'because I have to study.' Then meet Brad."

"What the fuck, Ashe! That's sick!"

"Well, I have to do something. Just kissing him gets me so fired up...."

"Do they know about each other?"

"Nope? At least neither one has ever said anything."

"Shit! And I thought my love life was screwed up. So...the bazillion dollar question. Who will be the lucky winner of the fair maiden's, well, not a maiden any more. Of the fair damsel's affections?"

"Nate."

"How do you know he'll even want to be the winner?"

"Because he looks at me with those beautiful little puppy dog eyes..."

"He does like you. A lot."

"How do you know?"

"We talk sometimes. In fact. I think he has it bad. All I know is I would pick Nate in a heart beat. He's...he's just so much more than Brad."

"Glad you agree. So tomorrow, I meet Brad. Give him the bad news and then hunt down my little puppy dog and screw his brains out. That should do it."

"Hi, Brad. Thanks for meeting me between classes. Let's step over there out of the traffic.

"Brad. I have really enjoyed our time together, but I think we need some time apart. I need to focus on school, find a job.,,,you know. All those things."

"Sure, Ashe. I get it." He moved forward and kissed her. Probing deeply with his tongue and grabbing her breast. She groaned. "I'm going to miss these perky little girls and..." taking her hand and putting it on his cock, "I know you're going to miss this guy. So if you change your mind...just text. Bye, Ashe."

He turned and walked off. Damn! He took that a little too well. I was hoping there'd be a few words of regret or sorrow. Thanks for all the good times. Or....something. Guess I'm making the right choice. So now to find Nate. She turned around and Nate was standing there. His face was all tightened down. A combination of pain, hurt, and anger masked his usually calm features. His fists were balled.

"Nate! I....It's not what....I was...." Oh no, oh no! I fucked up! I did to him what douche bag did to me. "Nate, I..."

"Had me drop you off early, night after night, not letting me touch you at all, after all these months. And then you went and fucked Brad, didn't you?"

"No, I..."

"Don't lie, Ashe. He grabbed your breast and you felt his cock, IN PUBLIC! Not the kind of thing nonfuckers do. In fact, not the kind of thing any decent person does. Bye, Ashe. We're done. We'll just end it here, now! Have a great life, Ashe. You're off to a good start. You and Brad'll make the perfect couple.

"Both of you are all about 'me' and screw everyone else. How they feel just doesn't matter. Does it?"

He turned and started walking away. "But, Nate! Nate! I want to be with you. You're the one I picked. Please? I'm not like that!" He looked back, shook his head sadly, but kept walking. The students who had paused to watch the drama, resumed their walking.

God! What have I done? She cried all the way back to her room, pulled the curtains, curled up in a ball and continued to weep. "Ashe? What's wrong? What's going on?"

"I fucked it all up, Cara. Nate caught me with Brad and broke up with me. He was, was...God, Cara. He looked so hurt. It just ripped my heart out. And I... and I. I hurt almost as much now as when the douche dumped me. How can that be?"

"So the cute little puppy has some teeth and bit you? Guess you loved him. And he loved you."

"Maybe I can win him back. Maybe...."

"Sure. It's worth a shot, but I suspect Nate is not a glass half full kind of guy. I suspect that he is either all in or all out. Full or empty cup. And expects the same. Worth trying to open that door and fill that glass again. But I don't think it'll help. Sorry mixing metaphors. But for now, give me a hug and cry for a while. That always helps."

"Cara, it's been two weeks! He won't answer my texts, or calls. I went over to his dorm a dozen times and he's never there. I...I sat outside all night in my car and waited. Three times! Nothing! I just don't know what to do."

"I guess he's gone, Ashe. The door is shut."

"But it still hurts. I don't know what...Yes. Yes I do know what I'm going to do. I'm going to call Brad, get loaded, and then have sex all night."

"Are you sure that's a good idea, Ashley? Rebound sex? Why don't you just start over?"

"No. I have a plan. Brad'll take me back, I'll move to New York, get married, get a great job, have kids. Life'll be great."

"Ashe. This doesn't sound like a good idea. Please. Think about it. That's not how life works.Or at least not how it should work."

"Well, Cara, that's how mine is going to work. I need a plan."

Hugging Cara, "It's graduation day, Cara! Never thought we'd get here. I haven't seen Nate anywhere. I at least wanted to wish him good luck....you know. And apologize again."

Looking down. "He's not here, Ashley. He finished on line."

"What? Why?"

"The day he broke up with you, in fact just a few minutes later, he got a call that his mom had died. Heart attack, stroke...I don't know. They found her in the kitchen. His dad left when the kids were little, his brother and sister are younger. Both in high school. So he left that day to take over. To care for them and run the family business."

"Oh, my God. That's awful. What business?"

"It's like a mountain resort up north. Tucked away in the woods. I've never been there or seen it."

"Cara? Why didn't you tell me all this?"

"Well, you were back with Brad and...he asked me not to tell you." Touching her arm, "I'm sorry, Ashe. He just didn't want you to know."

"So how do you know, Cara?"

"Uh, I told you we talked some. Before. I saw him between classes and stuff. But...but we talked more after you two broke up. I'm sorry, Ashe. I should have told you."

"Yes! You should have told me. What? Did you have the hots for him? Is that why we broke up?"

"No, yes! Yes, I had the hots for him, but no, I never did anything to interfere with you and Nate."

"I'm having a hard time believing that, Cara. I think you were working behind my back."

"No, Ashe, I would never." Getting her back up, "But you treated him like shit, cheated on him the whole time. You fucked it up all on your own! So don't, don't you dare try to blame me for it."

"Sure. Whatever you say, Cara. Have a great life, or whatever. Thanks for, well, whatever." Where's Brad? At least that part of the plan is working.

EIGHT YEARS LATER

The phone buzzed and he got up, closed the door, and went to the kitchen.

Dammit, Brad! It's Friday. Another friggin' Friday. You wouldn't take me out 'because you had to work.' You come in at midnight, wake me up by banging around in the kitchen and finally crawl into bed smelling of alcohol and perfume.

Now, less than two hours later your phone goes off and you're out there yucking it up with some woman. And the sad part....the sad part is I don't even care who the hell it is or what you've been up to. But I just wish you'd at least be quiet and not rub it in my face.

How did my life get like this? I had a plan.

But it's like we're two strangers. Yes, we still sleep in the same bed, although he has suggested I move to one of the guest rooms, 'so I'll be more comfortable and so he wouldn't wake me.' But he sleeps as far away from me as he can. Like I have scabies or something.

And he hasn't touched me, or cuddled, said he loved me or anything....hell, for years. And sex? We haven't done anything for...it was our anniversary...and he was so loaded....

We don't yell. We don't fight. But we don't ever talk at all either. No 'how was your day.' 'Are you doing OK?' Nothing except all the W's. Weather, 'where's my...,' what we have to do for work, who we have to do it with, and why we're getting together with them.

I'M ALMOST FUCKING 30! I was supposed to be married, happily. Have two or more kids. A great job that I loved. Lots of friends and sunshine, lollipops, and roses. I have none of that. What the hell, Ashe?

I don't want to lose him. Do I? Shit, I feel like half of me is desperate to make it work and the other half just wants to admit defeat and get the hell out of this mess. I have to figure this out. Something has to give. And sooner rather than later.

Yes, we live in a condo on Central Park. Yes, I have clothes, jewelry, a maid, cook, and everything else. And, yes, I work at Stone and Stone and get a great salary. But its a meaningless HR job. I have no responsibility for anything. I never get promoted. Basically, my job seems to be a pretty face with great people skills to show off to clients and at get togethers.

I get shoved forward to talk with the clients and their wives and get them to pick Stone and Stone. Smooth ruffled feathers. Make introductions. Impress Brad's colleagues, clients, and family. Deal with the media. It's bullshit and I hate it. I want a challenge. Meaningful work where I use my degrees.

So, something has to change. I need a new plan. But it's like in college. Who the hell am I? What do I really want? I feel like such a phony. A fraud. A fake.

I want kids, but Brad won't even talk about it. I like to cook, but Brad insists the cook do it, or we eat out somewhere, hell it feels like all the time. And always with clients or potential clients. Never the two of us.

But most of all, I want to be in love. In love with someone who loves me. Like Nate did. Someone I can't stand to be away from and who misses me every moment we're apart. Someone I can talk to. Who's there for me when I'm having a bad day. Someone to share my life with and be the father of my kids.

So how do begin this voyage of personal discovery? How do I go about it?

I started reading and watching videos on self discovery and meditation. It didn't go well. Five minutes, ten minutes. Then, holy shit, I give up. Try it inside, in the park, in the closet, with music, with nature sounds. Guided, unguided. Nothing.

Too much noise. My brain is just too screwed up. It will not slow down. Images and 'to do's' flooded my mind. Where is the quiet they talk about. The calm sea...I just can't figure out how to get to the quiet and calm all the instructors described.

But then one day I walked by my full length mirror and locked eyes with the girl looking back at me. I don't recognize her any more. I don't know who she is. I need to find out. This! This may work.

I started the routine. Up early. Exercise. Shower. Mirror gazing for, well as long as felt right. Sometimes a few minutes. Sometimes an hour. It started getting quieter while I sat. I felt like I was getting closer. Peeling back some layers, but she was still locked away from me.

But I found I couldn't hide from the girl looking in there. Couldn't bury my emotions, my mistakes, my lack of identity, my self-doubts. My lack of value. Lack of value to myself, to others, to the world. The girl was disappointed. She didn't like herself. Didn't like who she was, how she lived, and how she treated the people of the city all around her.

The pain of self discovery and the tears that ended many sessions, was followed by the beginning of self acceptance. Like so many others I realized that I had managed to make mistakes. Lots of them. And big ones. And took many wrong turns, but I started to like, then love the girl in the mirror.

There was a lot to like. A lot to offer to the world around her. From a pessimistic, negative view of life, I started shifting to a lighter, brighter more optimistic and hopeful approach towards life.

The noise in my head started to dampen off. And the quiet and calm started lasting further into my schedule driven, frantic, whirlwind days at work and entertaining. I started to be able to visualize the girl and see her rise above the chaos on a sea of calm.

I actually started enjoying work and was more successful with the clients. I related to them more as people and took their needs into consideration. Instead of selling, I was guiding, assisting. And it worked! They responded. A win for me and the company, but also a win for them.