Christmas Vacation

Everyone was so tired, they decided to postpone the birthday until tomorrow, Christmas Eve. They celebrated her birthday at noon. Had burgers at her favorite place. Presents. Cake. Jamie hated that her birthday was this close to Christmas and always made an effort to separate the two for her. Make sure they weren’t blended together. Wouldn’t be fair or right.

Christmas Eve itself, was filled with even more excitement for the girls. Frozen pizza, putting out cookies and milk for Santa, reindeer food on the front walk. Although the girls really didn’t believe any more, ‘it was tradition.’ And, of course, the opening of a present, and a story for the kids. John was tired so took it easy and Jen worked to get the presents out, do the final assembly and cleanup, and make sure they had everything for the big get together tomorrow.

Both adults were shot so went right to bed. John didn’t feel good ‘after all the junk’ so Jamie ate most of a cookie and drank half the milk, then swept the reindeer food off the walk. Tomorrow was the big day.

The kids were up at dawn and tore into their stockings, started on the candy in there ‘just so they had energy’ and then the presents. Wrapping paper and ribbons everywhere. The place looked like a tornado had gone through. John went in the study and flipped on the TV. Jamie started cleaning up while starting breakfast. The girls took a break for some ‘real’ food.

Jamie’s parents arrived. They shamed her for not listening to John, getting hurt and shoving all the work onto John. He was likewise praised for being such a patient husband and wonderful father. Presents were passed out. She got a gift card.

His sister arrived. Presents. Jamie’s sister, Kelly, showed up with her kids. Presents everywhere. The women all worked on the meal. The men dragged the kids outside to play for a while. A terrific family feast, lots of stories and reminiscing. Love, joy, chaos, confusion. It was great.

From time to time Jamie was overwhelmed by guilt and a feeling of impending doom. But there was a more anger and a growing resentment as well. They all thought John was so wonderful. The best husband, best father. And she was reminded that she was so lucky to have a man like John. If they only knew.

Her sister pulled her aside and dragged her into the bedroom. “Jamie? What the hell is going on? You look like you’re on your way to the gallows and John is acting like he’s Father Christmas and just won the lottery. Please. Please talk to me.”

“I…I can’t Kell.” Tears started forming. “I’ve done something awful, something unforgivable. I don’t know how or why I did it, but I did. And I’m so ashamed. Mom’s right. I’m a failure. As a person, wife, woman…I’m a failure to myself! I…”

“Jamie! Stop! For God’s sake. Mom’s full of shit. I don’t know why she has it out for you. Why she always beat on you so much. She’s always been so cruel. So demeaning, belittling. It never made any sense. You were really the ‘good’ kid. Mel and I were the fuckups. I’ve asked her. She won’t ever say. Maybe because you were the oldest. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.

“She’s wrong! You are the kindest, smartest, most giving and beautiful woman I know. You are a wonderful person, wonderful friend, and wonderful mother to two amazing daughters. Two daughters that you raised single handedly.”

Kelly hugged her and started crying as well.. “You never say anything, but I know John’s an ass. He’s a chameleon. I’ve seen him pull into school yelling at the kids, see a teacher, flip a switch and he’s telling them how much he loves them and will miss them. I’ve seen him do it to you, pulling in the drive at Mom and Dad’s. And there is no damn way you will ever convince me that you keep falling down and hurting yourself. Unless you have some kind of crazy neuromuscular thing I don’t know about.

“You’ve never asked anyone for help. Even as a kid. Always done everything for yourself. You don’t need to be like that. I don’t care what you’ve done. You don’t need to be alone in this. I love you. Mel loves you. Let us carry some of your burden. Please, please Jamie, let me in. Let me help you if I can. We can work through whatever is going to happen. Together.”

“Thank you, Kelly.” She cried and hugged her. “Thank you. You and Mel have always been the only ones who supported me, had my back. And I love you for it. You can’t imagine what it has meant to me. But I have to work it out myself. I think big changes are about to happen. I just don’t know what those are going to be like yet and it scares me. But I may need your help and support, alright?”

“Always! Remember. I’m here for you. And for heaven’s sake, be careful. Say whatever you want and maybe I’m way off base, but I think he’s one sick SOB. Call me! Any time!”

By seven everyone was gone. The girls were exhausted, in for a shower, then pj’s and bed. She wanted to leave everything, but John wanted her to clean and straighten up while he had another drink. ‘So there was nothing to do tomorrow.’ Jamie finally said, “Come on, John. The rest can wait. Let’s go upstairs and you can give me a special Christmas present.”

“No, I need to sit for a few minutes and gather my thoughts.”

“Let me get some tea and I’ll join you.”

“John, thank you. This has been the best Christmas and despite my broken arm, it was the best vacation we’ve ever had. Except for our honeymoon, of course.”

“Well, if you remember, you fucked that up too. You had morning sickness.”

She looked down. Shame filled her again. “It was even more special. And because of my arm a lot of it got pushed onto you. I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to you the first day. But I’ll make it up to you, Sailor.”

What was that look on his face? She saw a strange combination of emotions. Disgust, anger, but also delight, glee. She knew that look. Suddenly fear filled her. He was going to beat her. And this was going to be a bad one.

“Yes it was great, Jamie. The kids had a terrific time. A time they’ll always remember. Today went well. All the family around. I hate that it will likely be our last.”

“What?”

“I have an appointment with an attorney next week.”

“Attorney. Why? What kind of attorney?”

“A divorce attorney, Jamie.”

“A divorce attorney? Why? I don’t want a divorce. We’ve been so happy. We have everything together. I love you, John. Why?” But she already knew. He knew about Nate. The threads holding her life together were unraveling.

“Please stop the bullshit, Jamie. I was going to leave Sunday night, but thought that wouldn’t be fair to the kids.”

“Sunday? Why Sunday?” He threw her panties on the table. Her mind went blank. How could she have been so stupid?

“What are those, John?”

“Come on. Jamie. That’s your cum filled underwear from your get together with Nate. You can smell the sperm from here!” The last thread came apart, she felt her head roll onto the floor, her life fall apart. She saw her lifeless eyes, staring at what she’d lost. What she’d traded away. Lost in thought, the first punch caught her by surprise. He hit her in the face and next thing she knew she was sprawled on her back on the floor.

“John! I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did it. I never did anything like that before. And never will again! You can trust me. Please, John. I’ll go to counseling. I’ll be the best wife and mother… I’ll do anything. If there is even a little bit of love left for me, can’t we work through this? I love you so much, John. I will be so empty without you.”

He grabbed her by the front of her shirt and slapped her across the face and threw her back down.

“Empty…that’s how I’ve felt all week, Jamie. I walk out the door and you go fuck Nate. Who the hell do you think you are doing that to me? After all I’ve done for you? All I’ve given you? All the shit I have to put up with because of you? You make my life miserable. And now this! HOW DARE YOU!”

“John, I’m sorry. But please stop yelling. You’ll scare the kids…”

“Fuck the kids! I’ve had to mess with them all week. I don’t know why you had to get pregnant in the first place and make me marry you. And then talk me into a second one…”

“John. Please. You’ll scare them. I don’t know how I got pregnant. I was on the pill. And you wanted the second one. Right? I’m sorry!”

“And hell, even my sister noticed you were distracted. Thinking of something else? What, are you day dreaming about him?” He kicked her in the ribs. “You let some other man put his hands all over you? You are mine! Now all I can think about is him pawing all over you. I can’t live with that. How dare you cheat on me! Betray our sacred vows!” Slap! Slap!

“No, Jamie. I knew I shouldn’t have married you. I should have left you alone with the fucking kid. But I felt sorry for you. Hell, she’s probably not even mine.” He pulled her to standing and slapped her again. For some reason the thought of grizzly bears flashed through her mind. They say that if a grizzly is approaching you should curl up and play dead. She almost laughed. This time the bear was going to eat her. Position didn’t matter.

He punched her in the belly and threw her against her couch. She rolled over the back and onto the floor. He came around and punched her again. “Dammit, bitch. You hurt my hand.” He picked her up and slapped her again.

“So give me a few minutes. I’m moving your stuff to Hailey’s bedroom. I don’t want to look at you or touch you any more. It makes me sick just seeing you. We’ll explain it to the kids tomorrow. Tell them what a worthless piece of shit their mom is. I’ll stay in the house until I meet with the attorney then likely move out.

“Yup, Jamie. It was the best Christmas vacation ever. And the last. Thanks for that. I’m finally free of my burden. Time to move on to greener pastures. You’ve fucked up my life for the last time.”

Maybe it was the worst vacation ever!

But what was she going to do now? Her head was still spinning and blood oozed from her lip. She didn’t know what he had planned, but was sure it was going to be a major Hollywood production. Everyone in town would know that she cheated on him on their Christmas vacation. Was that laughter she heard upstairs? Shit! She could hear John talking on the phone with someone and the way he sounded, it was obviously a woman.

As she examined her injuries in the mirror she figured it was time to curl into a ball and cry. Tears.. Plenty of tears. And an ice pack.

They say clarity comes with the first rays of the sun. Actually, it came in the middle of the night for Jamie. How the hell had she allowed herself to be stuck in this cesspool? She didn’t deserve it. She wasn’t a failure except that she had failed herself by allowing John to abuse her and treat her the way he’d done for twelve years. Why had she been so weak, spineless, passive? He was right. They never should have married.

Enough! It ends now! She was going to take control. Control of events. Control of her life. Control of it all!

She went to work. A new online account with half of their savings. Application for her own credit card….check. A review of his computer including making a copy of HIS phone calls and texts. A lot of calls to this one certain number. For quite a while it seemed. Over a year. Even during our vacation. Need to call that number before I talk to John. And then she found it. The secret account where he was spending just about as much as he told her he was making.

Oh, yes, and she scheduled an appointment with the divorce attorney that Greta had used and just loved. She figured things must be slow right after Christmas. Maybe people waited until the new year to start divorce since there was a slot available to be seen later this morning.

“Good morning, girls. I made you some waffles and bacon for your day after Christmas breakfast. How’s that sound? And then it’s time to play with all those new toys, right?” The girls looked at her face and knew better than to say anything about it. But they knew this had been a bad one.

“Good morning, John. Here, I made some coffee. Help yourself to waffles and stuff. I have to run out for a couple of hours, then we can sit down and talk about a few things. Alright?”

“Uh, sure?” What the hell? He figured she’d be wailing and gnashing her teeth. Begging for forgiveness. She was supposed to be grabbing his ankles and pleading. She looked like nothing had happened. Well, except for her puffy, swollen face. He planned to track her phone. This was too weird. He had to see what she was up to.

“Well, I’m off. Won’t be long. Then your Dad and I will talk and then we play, play, play. Deal? You still have plenty of vacation left. And remember. New Year’s Eve is coming up. We have to get ready to celebrate and because you two are so, so old now, we have to make it to midnight. Can you do it?”

“‘Yeaaa.”

That look of surprise on John’s face almost made her burst out laughing. Not at all what he had expected. She walked out the door head held high and popped the SIMM card out of her phone. That’ll piss him off, she thought. First stop was the phone store. “Hi. I need a new phone. Someone is tracking me through my phone.”

“Well, we could just make sure the Find It and the GPS are turned off.”

“But if I turn off the GPS, I can’t use the driving, weather, or all the other apps that depend on it, right? And this may be some kind of stealth app or something.”

“Uh, yup! So new phone time. Here’re your choices if you want the same plan.”

“No. I need a new plan, too. In my name. And can we transfer all my photos and contacts, but nothing else? Just in case.”

So, new phone. Check. Her first call was to the number he’d been calling. “Hello. Is John Logan there?”

“No. No he’s not. He’s on a business trip. May I ask who’s calling?”

“Actually, he’s been on a ski trip with his wife and kids. This is wife…Jamie.”

“WHAT? But he’s not married. I would never date a married man. You’re lying.”

“No. Not lying. We’ve been married, well, over twelve years and have an 10 and 12 year old. But it’s OK. I’m on my way to the divorce attorney. Let me text you a few photos and call you back. Who are you, by the way? I just have the number. He calls you a lot.”

“Emily. Emily James.” Emily looked at the photos including the Christmas photos.

“Oh, God, Jamie. The photos….I am so sorry. I never wanted to be ‘that’ woman. If I’d known he was married….I guess that’s why his schedule is so nutty. Why I never met any of his family. Did I cause the divorce? I’ll feel awful if I did. I can’t believe….All this time…A year and a half or so…And we look like sisters or something. Here let me send some photos to you.”

“Holy crap! We do look a lot alike. Spooky. No. You didn’t cause it. We just kinda fell out of love. But maybe we never were really in love. Maybe it was just the next ‘right’ step in our relationship.

“In any event, it’s clear that he’s not happy. Not happy with me. Not happy having the kids. But I guess with someone else occupying some of his time…Maybe there always was ‘the other woman’ and that was the issue.”

“Jaime? I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Emily. Anyway. I’ll let you two figure it out. We’re getting divorced so he’s all yours if you want him. He told me yesterday he was divorcing me.”

“He told you on Christmas?”

“Yup. But there’re reasons for that. Emily? I’m going to talk to him in a couple of hours. To figure out our next steps. So, could you not call him or anything until after that?”

“Sure. But damn! I’m so much in love with him….I don’t know…I don’t know what to do?” She was clearly crying on the phone.

“Emily. Maybe he loves you to death, too. He hasn’t loved me for quite as I look back at it. Maybe never. I don’t know.”

“Jaime, I am so sorry. If I had known, even suspected….I would never….”

She laughed. “It’s OK, Emily. Really. Not your fault. He never seemed excited about me or something. In retrospect…well, never mind. Actually, in retrospect he never had…lust. Fire. Need. Except his own. So… Well, in any event. Seems like you two have a few things to discuss also. Good luck.”

“You, too, Jaime. God, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Well, Em. If I can help at all, call me. I’ve known him a long time.”

“So, Amber, I’d like the house and kids. I don’t care so much about the child support or alimony. I think I’ll be able to get a good enough job. A couple of friends from the PTA and sports have an accounting firm and keep asking me to help them. But I think he’s going to go for blood to punish me for having an affair. You know. OK for the gander, but not the goose. Thoughts?”

“Well, this is a no fault, 50:50 state, so at worst you’ll split the kids’ time and have to buy out his part of the house or sell it. He will have to pay alimony, likely for at least a year. And child support until the kids are 18. But looking at your face and I want to take a bunch of photos, I’m guessing you want primary custody with visitation?”

“Right?”

“Why didn’t you ever call the cops on him?”

“He’s a charmer. He’d just turn on the charm and they would be convinced I was the one at fault, cuff me and drag me downtown.” She laughed. “And…well, I’ve had issues.”

“Oh, he’s one of those.” Jamie nodded. “Well, especially since he was having an affair as well, maybe you can use the alimony and child support, and your silence, as some bargaining chips to get what you want. If he’s stubborn, we go for the moon in court, show the photos and then leave it up to the judge. Usually the judge will send it to arbitration first. And you’ll have to go to counseling sessions. But with the way your face looks. Do you have other bruises?”

“Plenty of them.”

“Great! Well, not really, but if he squeaks we’ll show them in court and they become part of the public record. Doubt he’ll want that. So here’re some ideas….”

“Hi, kids! I’m home. Hey, I talked to Mrs. Freedman. Why don’t you two go upstairs and gather some stuff then dash to her house and check out what those kids got for Christmas? I heard they got some really cool stuff. Grab your coats. She said she has some special cookies left over she wanted you to try….Now get going and have a good time.

“John. First of all I want to apologize for doing what I did on our vacation. It should never have…”

“Just stop, Jamie. Save all your platitudes and cliches. You cheated on me! I’m getting a divorce. I…”

“No, John. You misunderstand. I’m sorry for what I did. I will always regret it. But I want the divorce. I don’t love you any more, and I’m pretty sure you don’t love me. So the main discussion points are the kids and the house.”

“Well, since you’re such a cheating, fucking, skanky whore, you’re obviously an unfit mother so I’ll get the house and kids. You’ll get nothing! Just what you deserve.”

“I sense that you’re angry, John.” She smiled inwardly. He started turning red. “Again, I’m sorry for what I did. We should have separated and started the divorce proceedings first. But it happened. This is a no fault, fifty fifty state, John. So at worst we split the kids, sell the house and split the proceeds, you pay me alimony and child support.”

“What! No fucking way…”

“Way. Now please stop yelling. The kids and neighbors shouldn’t hear all this. You’re meeting with your attorney next week. I’ve already met with mine and she’s starting the paperwork.”

“What? You can’t…”

“Can and did. She’s going to file it in a couple of days and you’ll be served. But I have a proposition for you. Let me have the house and kids. Heck, I do almost 100% of the kid care anyway. You can have them every other weekend and we split holidays…”

“NO! FUCKING! WAY! You cheated on me. Betrayed our vows. I’m taking the kids…”

“To punish me…I get it. And they are part of your property. But in return for giving me the girls, and the house…I won’t ask for any alimony or child support.”