All Comments on 'Thoroughbred'

This could have been ended on 1 or 2 pages.

Well, that was odd. What was with the bizarre switch from first to third person narration and the strange POV segments where the narrator knew what was happening with the other main character?

And unless the female lead was a congenital idiot, she knew going in what she was doing and what the consequences might be. Her shock and remorse made no sense.

Well written but is terribly depressing

That went all past the somewhat believable stage into paranormal areas…why not put it in sci fi?

Pretty good story until the weirdness with the drone and the hands. That was a downer. I think I get it. I just didn't like it.

Wow! That was one heck of a story.

Very good. Not sure if Kurt was faking it or not. One mistake - normally people in a hotel have very little to do with their neighbors - that part just didn't make sense. Kurt deserves a good girlfriend/wife. Audra deserves many years of unhappiness & loneliness. Maybe after 10 - 20 years (maybe after she is too old to have kids) she finds someone, and they are willing to take a chance on her. Also, I'm very surprised that there wasn't more fallout at her job considering the head of HR did this. Also, I wonder what will happen to the company now that Chet is bound to a wheelchair.

A very well written story But the beginning of it is just silly. And it has Rather silly LW cliche.

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We begin with a I'm going to fuck my boss premise .... You don't own me and everything you fine tomorrow...

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And the next day the wife says after the husband What have I done.? Yawn.

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I realize that these kind of LW stories don't REALLY happen. BUT Having the wife wake up from The Martian slur ray After openly humiliating him simply doesn't work as a story device .

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The rest of the story is OK But I wish somebody could come up with a different kind of solution or conversation when the wife drcides to fuck the boss for one night or 1 weekend.....besides "what have I done?

Fantasy?

A good funny story I wish I could forget my cheating whore (jaybee186)

Unintelligible

It made no sense why she would cheat on her husband like that and in front of everyone as well.

It was so unbelievable, you didn’t even try to explain it, just some vague excuse of Chet being charming.

Then the bizarre selective amnesia, there is no way he would have gotten any kind of clearance to work in govt contracts. And then you threw in supernatural excuses?

You really had zero idea what you were doing.

Nice one.

5 stars

you kinda bailed on it a little early.

A most unusual story!

5

5☆ but still left with a desire for more flames.

The nonsense with the circle on Chets hand made no sense.

Switching from 1st to 3rd person after page 1 was just confusing.

OK story I guess.

The idea of him forgetting is just poor writing.

Well, started off good but slowly crashed and burned. Hubby was a wimp in the end thought he would react like a man after his ability with the horse but instead wimped away.

5* Weird but absolutely fascinating - this is such a gripping story. It doesn't need a "final resolution" or an "explanation", it is fine as it is. Thank you for posting it.

Well he only forgot Audra, Chet's journey has only just begun.

The changes between first person and third person, once in mid-sentence, were disconcerting. An editor would be helpful.

The extension of the selective amnesia extending to Kurt not being able to hear or see Audra, the lesions and Kurt's mood improvement at the end (presumably connected to Chet's accident or Kurt's divorce, neither of which he was cognizant of) were all science fiction. A warning in the tags would have been appropriate.

Commonly known as unmitigated crap.

Lost me on the first page when you began switching from first to third person as well as his first reaction being, "You're the HR Director. You know how wrong that is!" and his second, "You do this and you can forget our marriage!!"? He is more concerned about her job than their marriage? No rating; get an editor to help.

Writing is good bit the quasi-supernatural elements just don't work.

It wasn’t believable

I liked that Kurt totally blanked his obnoxious bitch of a wife, and crippling Chet withe the drone was a nice touch.

Unfortunately, with no actual confrontation between the spouses, the second half of the story dragged.

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You could've spiced it up a bit with Kurt already dating when Audra came looking for him, and her being devastated to see her husband take home a younger, prettier woman. Then some kind of trigger brings his memory back, Audra's overjoyed that he finally remembers her, only for Kurt to immediately dump her slutty ass anyway.

Different quite unique but kind of creepy, dark weird story.

I did like it though but really it gets me the ending wasn't clear.

But I guess that was the wedding ring where the indentation was, so was it Audra's wedding ring or was it Kurt?

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Thanks ragnarok1 for sheng this.

I’m confused. If he forgot her, wouldn’t he wonder who the woman in the picture with him was rather than seeing no one?

Too weird

needs an ending

now that is one well crafted STRANGE story

Well done.

Started out as "same old" stuff done dozen of times, turned on a dime and just kept going. Then bonus full circle payback.

5 stars.

:)

I’m a fan of this author, so I was looking forward to the story. Unfortunately, it was too strange for me to suspend disbelief. At first, I thought that one of them had died, so the story had supernatural elements. When that approach didn’t work, I was just confused. So, the psychological explanation emerged eventually, but I couldn’t accept it. The writing was okay, though first person/third person shifts were unsettling. (Minor points: The past tense of lead is led and the possessive of it is its.)

Total bullshit

Great ending.

Huh?

Weird

Ohh my goodness that was a most interesting story. Not the most healthy way to deal with heartache and trauma, but a most entertaining read.

The was a unique tale. I was not sure I was going to enjoy it after the first page. However, it grew into a different point of view than I had ever seen in a tale such as this. All I can say is COOL read and ending. Different is not always bad.

Keep Writing

JH4Fun

I liked all the detail on the horses. Growing up, we had a small farm, and both boarded horses, and had three of our own - a pair of Arab greys, half brothers, and a Morgan horse named Ernie. Without a doubt Ernie was my favorite, and a teenage boy couldn't ask for a better wingman.

What an abrupt ending. It was a good story till then.

I truly don't get what the circle was about or the story ending like it did.

This theme is getting lot of play with stories about MC destroying the Btidge, infidelity with boss at barbecue, "Onr time if you don't mind", wife abandoning husband for football player or actor. Andersen's story has a lot of traction. But I think this one supercedes them all. The bit of mysticism helped. Well written. The idea she became invisible to MC more than clever. Most importantly, the MC never compromised his principles. He refused to acknowledge being a cuckold. He emerges whole at the story's end, and his tormentors lay in destroyed in filth, not by his violence, but by their own evil minds.

Interesting concept. I wish you'd developed the closure a bit more to include some interaction between Kurt, wife and Chet. thanks for sharing.

Switched from first to third person without reason. Why is Chet in a guest room at the end? The twilight zone style ending didn’t work. 3 stars.

Is this story finished, seems not to me

I liked it right up to the end. The story just stops......

Chet, Kurt and Audra still have unfinished story lines.

3* - you where working towards 4 or more...

UGH.

This story starts in the first person, then abruptly switches to third.

Different. Pretty far fetched.

I stayed with it right until Chet and the horse both had sores the size and shape of the wedding ring. That was a bit too much.

Very confusing. And tedious. The gimmick of Kurt mentally erasing Audra from HIS world was OK….but Audra’s flailing around trying to get him to acknowledge her for months before he departed was almost clownish in the ineptitude of it all — e.g., that she at no time tried to touch him…grab him…push him. For months. Or to seek help. For months.

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And how in the world did his parents not have a clue? In talking to him, surely they shed about her? And when he started his “ignorant of her” act with them…they didn’t get a clue? Huge plot hole.

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Another weakness in the story was the lack of any real motivation for her to cheat with her boss. Made no sense on any level. Not even Martian Slut Ray worthy it was so illogical!

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And then it was weird that Kurt…when presented with evidence of Audra and his marriage to her….didn’t react at all. No anger…no curiosity…no fear…no nothing! Very odd. Nonsensical.

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And finally….the bit about what happened to Chet…and the mark on the hand. Unneeded….especially given that there was no explanation.

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The story did intrigue at a certain level, wondering how it would go. But it really didn’t go anywhere.

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3 ***

Sorry. Tag line should have been. She cheated, he left. Stupid autocorrect.

Loved it, now FTDS!

Interesting. Something new. Thanks.

Further to my comment just made where I gave this confusing story just 3 ***s…..

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I went back and re-read the beginning TWICE more to try to discern some motivation for Audra fucking Chet while she and her husband were staying at his estate — and I could not find even a hint for why she pulled that stunt…including taking her rings off for the night. This plot deficiency really affected a reader’s ability to process the rest of the tale. Yeah…in theory it doesn’t matter WHY she did what she did — Kurt excised Audra from his existence BECAME AUSE of her behavior, and not because her REASON was acceptable or not. But even in the several pages of reading about Audra trying to find and reconcile with Kurt, the reader never got a hint for WHY she pulled that marriage destroying stunt. This hole in the plot really dragged the tale down.

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And while I’m doing a follow up rant 😎 — the whole “circle in the hand…rubbing the hand” gimmick was lame. Really.

Piece of advise, if you’re not going to get a editor, then go back over what you’ve written a few times. Name spelling switches and first/third perspective jumps within lines of each other just comes off as sloppy.

The story needed a proper ending. Love that Kurt beautifully laid a savage smackdown on an ungrateful, cheating slut a d made it as painful as possible.

It would have beennice to know the significance of the nickel sized ring on his palm. I get that the ultra long range test produced the strange sore on Chet and the horse but how the fuck did Kurt know Chet would be out riding at that particular time from several states away?

I would still like to see a sequel to this one

Kind of dumb makes no sense

Started brightly then went down the toilet with all that supernatural claptrap. Other commenters have already listed a number of different, better ways this could have gone, so I won't add to that. I could see why it was necessary to switch from first person to third but it still grated as it always does. Maybe it would have been a better idea to have narrated in the third person from the outset but that's now a moot point as the story was just so ridiculous anyway. 2 stars.

Very bad Sci-fi ! Neither erotic nor credible.

Fair

Kurt's narrating in 1st person, then after he slams his ring down, suddenly we're in 3rd person?

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"Kurt being an ass?" - I think it was Chet who was an ass, and she was a bitch!

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Her regret sounds hollow after "Kurt, you rode his Thoroughbred all day. It is only fair he gets to ride yours tonight." It sounds like she considers herself a piece of property, sounds funny considering all the cheating wives who say, "You don't own me," just as she did!

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"Now where was that remote?" - C'mon, we know he's just playing her, or are we supposed to believe that he's REALLY blocked her out of his perception?

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"the fact that Kurt had not listened to her, but rather had to go riding so he could show up Chet, had really annoyed her" - I think that it was Chet trying to show up Kurt.

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Very weak ending. Would have liked to see Kurt's memory "return" with Chet's accident.

A whole lot of fiction here. I gave it 4-stars but it really was more in line with a 3. At least he wasn't really a James Bond kind of guy that hide his real life from everyone, including his wife.

I guess the jest of the story is that you never want to underestimate a quiet guy. Who knows what hides beneath the surface.

All going well until the end (?the end?), too many unfinished lines.

Interesting, needs a bit more to wrap it up. Very happy cheating slut wife and evil boss are suffering. Hope there is more of that in the works!

Ooooooh . Now that's what I call a story. Love the Twilight Zone vibe that you wrote into it. Perfect place to end that one. And I'm usually part of the crowd the says you shouldn't have ended it there, give us more. It gave me a chill. Nice

I like it. Well told, well crafted story. Thank you.

That was different.

Great story with a twisted ending which I really enjoyed. Better to forget than BTB or RAAC. Kurt now has a better life ahead of him. No need for any follow-up or a different ending. THANKS

I get that this is supposed to be a feel good story about a cheating wife getting what she deserved, but there were a couple of huge plot holes that bothered me. First, as is so often the case in LW, a successful career woman, something which would indicate that she's at least reasonably intelligent, is also depicted as just boneheadedly stupid. No one with an IQ above room temperature -- room temperature in Celsius -- could not have realized that her husband's statement as she was preparing to leave the room to go screw her boss was a real problem, and that she was about to take an irrecoverable step, with things possibly spiraling out of her control.

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But the bigger problem was Kurt working for a major company with significant defense contracts. That means he would have needed a security clearance, and 'selective amnesia,' along with his completely delusional inability to even see Audra, would have gotten his clearance pulled and, at the very least, gotten him suspended, and more probably fired. This wasn't a minor thing, but something which was a very heavy situation over the majority of the story. Suspension of disbelief is one thing, when it comes to the minor points, but this was a major pall over his entire career.

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More, he was breaking the law: if he was convinced that he was single, when he was legally married, and the divorce took over a year, he would have filed his income taxes fraudulently, claiming that he was single rather than married filing separately. And since he lived in two different states, he was filing partial year returns for both Wyoming and California.

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That last part could have been overlooked were it not for the security clearance issue.

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If the story went along with the notion that he really did know what he was doing all along, and indicated that to the head shrinkers, maybe he could have gotten away with it. But if he did his taxes as married filing separately, it would have been a big tell legally.

Great story! Reminds me of the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Nickel not nickle

Are we to assume that Kurt sent the drone to mess with Chet? Unconsciously? Because, if he did it with malice, then he recalls his marriage and her betrayal. Or else some sort of sub-conscious evil guy is lurking inside Kurt. Huh.... D

An unusual blend of categories for a LW story. Not sure if it could have been in Sci-if or mind control. A bit unclear ending connecting the laser, ring indentations on the table and hand. Did Kurt laser the horse? Not quite up to ragnarok’s usual. Came off as slightly odd.

A good, well crafted take on a similar theme. Like "The Bridge" or "A Promise Made, A Vow Broken". Similar situations, different perspectives. Might be a little dark compared to the others but overall a great story. Really like reading different authors take on a basic premise. Why I find the "February Sucks" sequels interesting. Enjoy many of your stories, so keep them coming! Thanks.

Check off all the Writers' Workshop criteria in terms of writing qualitatively as being more than adequately covered.

Check off one of the more imaginative plotlines (which isn't some "magic ring/necklace/stone/whatever...).

Quibbles: Audra's decision to fuck her boss was insufficiently justified: No way Kurt's riding her boss's horse would trigger "revenge" adultery on her part, nor was any inherent character flaw of Audra as a "closet slut" indicated, nor was any heavy-handed pressure from her boss to either fuck him or be fired ever established. The "whoooo" science fiction connection between Kurt's wedding ring, the round sore on the horse which wouldn't heal, the precision infliction of a life-crippling injury by the horse (a horse which precipitated the boss to pursue the wife--which served as the basis for the entire story), and Audra's total abandonment of seeking reconciliation after ONE attempt, especially when informed that the problem lay in "selective amnesia" (an abandonment which was totally contrary to the impression given throughout the story that Audra was "desperately in love with Kurt)---all detracted from the impact/potential believability of the events of the story.

So...a quite well-written creative story which essentially fell apart from too many unbelievable aspects.

4 for the writing, 2 for the logical inconsistencies, so...2 out of 5. (But I read it all the way through in anticipation of a good ending--which unfortunately did not come.) But thanks for the entertainment, and "more please".

MLJ

@Aardie His mind was blocking her like your mind tunes out millions of unimportant bits of data you recieve every day. Almost like a smoker, when I smoked I didn't really notice the smell, it was just normal so my brain kinda muted it. I could notice it if I tried but it went unnoticed most of the time.... Now when I quit smoking.... I noticed it all the time after an adjustment period. Kurt is experiencing a more severe trauma version of that I would guess.

Also we'll done story! I too wish for "more". It just seems to just trail off. But 5* as a excellent well written tale. Thank you for sharing.

I like the way you write.

Keep up the good work.

:-)

I think your story would have been better off in SiFi. I know your plot from another story.

That was one of the most amazing stories on here. Not too far out there but just odd enough to give you goosebumps as you read it. Well done.

I won't comment on the decidedly different storyline, because anything different in LW is a pleasant diversion. I did wonder how Kurt got a new driver's license and bank account in Wyoming, without first finding a place to live so he could fill in the address part of the forms.

Thank you for another great one. So far, this one is underrated. A little more to this story would be welcome, but I am ok where it is.

I don't get it?

a god story with a mighty "twist"

Very few readers (only one of the commentators) managed to put together the clues

of Kevin's ability with the drones and the sudden frightening of the

thoroughbred...and the appearance of the "circle"

Science fiction with a "do-it-yourself" answer to the mystery

five star

Fantasy, science fiction, paranormal events—whatever—have to make some sense to be believable. This didn’t to me. And why did the horse have a sore?

Great story!

Sorry. He’s a good writer, but this story makes no sense whatsoever.

Did your typewriter break?

Just a p.o.s. Suspending disbelief is one thing, this is just over the top. Might fit in sci fi or even erotic horror but hear it is just plain awful.

A little tweaking here and there and it would have been a good Halloween story

Very good right up to the very end . Needs just a little work.

Very different and odd. Kinda strange even. I liked it. Well written.

This is a dumb story. There’s suspension of disbelief and then there’s taking a known concept and distorting it well beyond any relation to the concept. Selective amnesia would not cause him to not perceive his wife, you fool

I have to give points for a unique situation. I wish there was a more complete resolution.

Different that's for sure. Liked the first couple of pages, not sure what to make of the rest. If he forgot her, who was getting in his way and speaking at him. Felt incomplete 4 stars

This read like an episode of "The Twilight Zone". The switch in POV from 1st person to 3rd person was a bit disconcerting until I realized what had occurred. The shift as the MC exited his reality into a new one. Are all questions answered in this story? No, of course not. Are all questions answered in "The Twilight Zone"? No, it's the Twilight Zone, a separation of lives into separate realities. Nicely constructed and paced. I refused to be a grammarian but....Thank you for a quirky, enjoyable, read.

Well, someone mentioned that it was the drone which hit Chet's horse with a laser shot, which made it dump him and trample him. A hidden plot twist? so obscure that I had no idea? Perhaps, but then it would mean that he remembered Chet and what he had done, which would also mean he remembered Astra's infidelity. Which supposedly, he didn't. I'm confused....

"Then something happened. It was like a fuse blew in Kurt's brain."

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What happened was the sudden change from 1st to 3rd person. Of course, later it took a left turn into stupidity. Selective amnesia? Really?