Three Broken Lives the Adventure

We were doing it. Saffy organised the start of the tour. The first bit was easy; she already had a list of pubs, clubs and venues who were interested in hosting us. I'll give Saffy her dues. She was no expert, but she threw herself into it with a gusto I had never seen before.

She was so passionate about us, our band and what we were doing. She spent hours emailing, phoning, messaging and just plain schmoozing.

I had to do a bit of work on old Gerty, though. Initially we set it up with four bunks and one double. This time, we were going to be on the road for a couple of months. I pulled out the spare bunks, and put in a couple of cupboards, and a wardrobe. I left just the one bunk, with its own cupboards, although it was only walled off by a curtain for privacy.

Saffy and I had some good PA gear, but once we added Noah's into the mix, we had a great setup. We had a covered in trailer, which we towed behind the bus for all the gear. We had a great day painting our name all over it, including some rainbows, and splashes of colour.

Saffy had one problem: which clothes to leave behind. When I laughed, she slapped me.

*****

So, that was it. We were on the road: first stop, just down the road at Pukekohe. The Working Men's club, didn't sound like a great gig, but we actually got three hundred people in through the doors, and at five bucks a head. It was good money. The place really rocked. We were expecting an older crowd, but surprisingly, they were middle aged and into it. The dance floor was full and when Saffy wandered down amongst them to sing, she managed to win them over completely. At one point, she had ten girls singing the chorus to April Sun in Cuba with her. All in all it was a great night. Plus, we sold twenty CD's at ten bucks a pop.

Next it was east, all the way to Thames. Talk about rocking the place. The Junction, which we had played at before, was jam packed. Awesome crowd, and they were so into our original songs. We sold another twenty CD's and got great feedback. The publican was so stoked with us, he threw in accommodation, at no cost.

Saffy added an email register, which linked to our web page. As fans added their email addresses they received notifications when we were playing nearby.

Visitors to our webpage could register, as well. By the time we drove out of Thames, we had over two thousand emails.

We wound our way east to Tauranga, Whakatane, and then back west to Rotorua. All the way, we talked to music shops. Okay, it was a time of transition. Music stores were becoming a thing of the past, but there were a few, and we managed to sell some to other stores, as well. It was all about spread the word.

We were going great, the shows were good, Saffy had done a great job organising and advertising the gigs. The one real concern was the bus. It had no privacy. The double bed at the back for Saffy and me was small, and the only privacy was provided by curtains. There were no doors. Noah, who was in the single bunk only a few metres away, could hear everything we said and did. Saffy didn't seem to care; after a show she is so wound up, sex is an absolute must.

She seemed to get pissed off with me constantly complaining about her squeals and loud moaning. She wasn't embarrassed, at all, whereas I found the lack of privacy very embarrassing. I didn't like the idea of him hearing what we were doing. Call me old fashioned, but I wanted some privacy. At least the way the bus used to be, we had walls. With the remodel, which included a decent shower, and toilet, there was no way to fit in walls and doors.

When we made it to Hamilton, Saffy asked me to go into town shopping with her. As we walked through the town centre, looking on all the different shops, she said. "I wanted to talk to you, babes."

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Sex, that's what. You have to stop worrying about the noise. You're making a big deal out of nothing. Noah doesn't care, he is just joking when he teases us about it."

"I'm sorry but I'm not like you. It embarrasses me, all I want is for us to do it quietly. Sometimes, you practically scream."

She giggled, her hand squeezing mine. "That's because it is good, babe, I mean really good. I love it."

"So do I, but Bloody Noah's only a few metres away. He can hear everything we do."

"So what? he's our friend. Who cares; he doesn't, he already told me, it's all okay, babe."

"Saffy, it embarrasses me."

"Why? What's the big deal. We're married, we're allowed to have sex."

"Yes, I know, but can't we just try to keep it quiet?"

With a shake of her head she sighed. "I suppose so, but I can't make any promises. Lately sex has been so wonderful. You should be happy, not embarrassed."

That was difficult for me. When we got back to the bus, Noah was making us lunch and we sat down to eat. The atmosphere between Saffy and me was a bit low, Noah picked up on it and started cracking jokes as he always did, and it soon picked up.

Touring on a bus, with only one small shower toilet, brings people together. It is impossible to live that closely without seeing each other at their best and worst. There were no separate rooms for changing, or getting dressed. There was no escaping seeing each other naked.

The first time we saw Noah naked was early morning. He got up to have a shower and walked out wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around him.

Saffy gave him a wolf whistle, which he laughed at. "Nice bod, dude. Watcha hiding under the towel?" she laughed.

"Ask nicely and I'll give ya a look." He threw back. After he finished his shower and was walking back across the aisle, Saffy reached out and whipped off the towel. It came away easily, which left him completely exposed.

Saffy laughed out loudly, and said jokingly, "Nice package, dude." He didn't even try to cover himself, he just grabbed his towel and walked into his room.

It was impossible. As hard as I tried, there was no escaping it. He caught us getting dressed or showering at different times, and that intimacy, lack of personal space, you either embrace it, or it makes life impossible. We decided embracing it. There was lots of banter, but I did notice Noah paid a lot closer attention when Saffy was getting dressed. He always managed to be hanging around when she was only partially dressed. She accused him of being a perv. He always had a smart comeback. It was that sort of relationship. Saffy was much more comfortable with it than I was. Growing up in an orphanage meant I treasured my space and privacy, because there wasn't much of it living like that.

She had no qualms about asking Noah to zip up her dress, or she would come out dressed in something more resembling lingerie than clothing for our opinions. I was sure she did it purposely to tease the poor bastard.

The relationship was certainly tightening, I could see it. Saffy and Noah enjoyed hugs and kisses. After gigs, we always managed to con a few beers out of the bar staff to take back to the bus. We didn't exactly party, but we had fun. We listened to music and joked about the shows, or fans we met afterwards. It was great fun. What worried me was the growing intimacy between Saffy and Noah. It scared me, but I felt powerless to stop it.

Every day the relationship morphed a little; I sensed things changing. It was the little, almost imperceptible, things. Their little embraces grew longer, he often slipped his arm around her waist while they were talking, and she leaned against him, not fighting his intent. He massaged her shoulders after we finished lugging gear in or out of venues. She asked his advice about outfits.

Small things, nothing big, it wasn't that she cut me out; our relationship was as strong as ever. The sex was amazing and our levels of intimacy were just as intense. What changed was Saffy, opening the door; she wasn't pushing me away, she was inviting Noah in.

I also sensed that she wanted to talk about it, but couldn't find the words, or was scared of my reaction. So many times, she opened the conversation without finishing it. Maybe it was in my head, but I felt the fear. I should have been brave enough to tackle it myself. Maybe things would have been different.

It was my insecurities which stopped me. I thought, if I leave it, things will pass, and it will just go away. Yep, the ostrich plan I called it.

It was always going to come to a head, I suppose it was inevitable, preordained even.

It was as we headed down the East coast. We played a gig in Napier, and it was a ripper. The crowd was huge, the dance floor was like one massive mosh pit as the crowd ground, mashed and bounced to our beat. We had them in the palm of our hands. Saffy danced like a wild out of control wind-up doll. She swirled and twirled, bouncing and swaying, clapping her hands as she urged the crowd to sing along. We always finished with a huge endless medley of classic Iconic Kiwi songs that everybody knew.

The crowd loved it, and so did Saffy; she got to play the rock chick, leaning out into the crowd, waving the mic, and getting the crowd to sing back at us. It was getting out of control, and the manager came and shut us down.

Afterwards, we talked to the fans as we sold CD's. We got invited to a party, and it was wild, down on the beach, A huge driftwood bonfire lit the night, flames stretching wickedly into the darkness. Booze flowed like water, there was pot everywhere.

I got stuck playing guitar. Yeah, that was my thing. I learned at a young age, if you could play guitar at parties, you never had to pay for drinks. By the time I was eighteen, I was like a jukebox: I knew all the old classics. The three of us sat side by side, me playing, assisted by Saffy and Noah.

Saffy though, wanted to dance, and dragged Noah into the pulsing throng as they danced around the fire, like crazed warriors.

I watched them for a while, but as somebody kept feeding me beers, I was soon beyond caring. The joints that kept coming round didn't help, either. Somewhere during the night, I lost contact with them.

God knows what time it was when I freed myself from the guitar, saying, "Sorry, I gotta pee." Putting the guitar down, I wandered off down the beach to find somewhere quiet to pee. I found my way in behind some sand dunes and was watering some shrubs, when I heard the sounds. It was a couple making out. The noises were passionate and loud. With a quiet snigger, I walked over to have a cheeky drunken perv. As I got over the little mound of sand, there they were, Saffy, and Noah, pashing up a storm. He had her crushed up against a tree, and their mouths were locked together in a fiery indecent kiss. Her arms were wrapped around his head, as she held on for dear life, totally engrossed in the kiss. I couldn't see his hands, but I could only imagine what they were doing.

I was stunned, unable to move. Like a punch in the guts stole all my air. All I could say was "Fuck."

Their heads turned, Saffy's eyes met mine and she gasped. "Isaac, babe, no..."

Noah sighed in resignation. "Shit."

I turned and stumbled away back over the dunes, tripping and falling as I scrambled to get away. With the bonfire lighting the sky, I stumbled and ran towards the distant orange glow.

As I approached the still singing and dancing crowd, I realised I couldn't face them. I saw a small grassed area in among some scrub and crawled up the rocks to flop down on the grass.

Lying on my back, panting heavily, I stared up at the stars. It wasn't a perfect night, thin sparse clouds wafted across the darkened sky, stars twinkling as they appeared filtered through the clouds.

I had seen it building, but I let it go, never saying anything. Scared of the consequences. Was she in love with him? Was he in love with her? Were they having sex, was I that fucking clueless?

All these questions swirled frantically around the murky depths of my addled head. I heard Noah's voice. "He must be here somewhere."

"Shit, what have we done, did you see the look on his face, he was horrified. We have to find him." Saffy gasped, breathlessly.

I could hear them walking around among the trees, I heard Saffy calling my name. "Isaac, babe, where are you? Let me explain, babes."

Noah, yelled out in unison. "Come on, dude, don't fuck around, we need to talk."

I closed my eyes and lay there, let my breathing slow down, my heart rate somewhere back near normal. "Lets go back to the bonfire, somebody must have seen him," Saffy sobbed. They were that close I could hear her sniffling. "Fuck, Noah, I have ruined everything. Jesus, the look in his eyes."

"He'll be okay, he bloody loves you. God, any fool can see how much he adores you. I don't think he could hate anybody. He's not that kinda guy."

"He had such a rough childhood; I know he has never said anything to you, but he grew up in an orphanage, he's never known a family, or normal friends, or experienced love, apart from me, that is. Now I fucked it all up."

"Stop beating yourself up, Saffy, it was just a kiss. We haven't done anything. Once we talk to him, he will understand."

"No, you don't know him the way I do. I hate myself. God, why did I do that? I bloody love him, Noah. He's my world."

"Saffy, it'll be all right. Chill, babe. Once we talk to him, we can sort it out."

"No, you didn't see the look in his eyes. He hates me, I know it."

I heard them scrambling and sliding down the rocks as they made their way back to the fire. I lay there, listening to my heart slowly beating, I relaxed, and it slowed again. What if I just stopped breathing, what if I just let go? I felt my heart getting slower and slower, I could almost count the beats.

Of course you can't just stop. I felt like it; she had ripped my heart out, spread it on the sand and stomped it into the coarse grains. I couldn't imagine my life without her. She was everything to me.

The pain, though, was overwhelming. Then, just like that, the darkness took me.

I woke, cold, damp and with a pounding head. The sun was bright in the morning sky; it must have been eight or nine o'clock.

I slowly got to my feet, swept the damp sand and dew from my clothes and wandered out onto the beach. The fire was nothing more than a pile of ash, trash spread everywhere.

I staggered up onto the car park area and then walked to the road. I reached into my jacket pocket for my phone. No power. Fuck, I was going to have to leg it. We had hitched a ride down there with some of the party goers, so now I was going to have to walk back to the pub car park.

At least it gave me a chance to think, memories of the previous night filled my head. Yeah, it hurt, and I was still no closer to a resolution. I did have one chuckle. While searching for my phone, I found the keys to the bus. I wasn't the only one who slept rough last night.

As I turned into the main road, I smelt the heavenly aroma. Bacon and eggs, toast. I walked into the little cafe and ordered the full breakfast. I found a table on the footpath and they brought out the coffee. Nirvana, damn that was good. The sweet acrid taste of the espresso brought me back to life.

The bacon and eggs settled my stomach. Checking my watch, I was surprised to see the time. We were supposed to be on our way to Hastings. Shit, we hadn't even packed down from the night before. All our gear was still on stage.

Walking back to the bus, I realised, this was bigger than just the kiss, things had been moving towards this for a while, and I let it. I can't explain the anger; I felt completely betrayed, let down. My best friend, and my wife, the woman who promised herself to me for life.

If she bloody wanted him, then she could have him, they could have each other, I wasn't going to hang around and watch.

I know, you shouldn't make decisions when you're angry, but I made one then. Right there and then, my plan was clear.

Arriving at the bus, I found no signs of Noah or Saffy. I knocked on the pub door and the manager let me in. He hadn't seen Noah or Saffy, so I started to pack down. Fuck knows where they were. Did I care? No, not really.

I stowed my gear in the trailer, and piled their stuff in a pile in the car park, all his keyboards, amps, mics. Grabbing all his stuff from inside the bus, I piled besides the music gear. Next was Saffy's stuff, all her personal belongings, her clothes, anything that I didn't want, I added to the pile.

With the bus now clear of any of their stuff. I plugged in my phone, and charged it.

Walking back to the trailer, I was just sliding the padlock through the lock when I was assaulted, fists raining down on my back. I turned to see Saffy whaling on me, tears streaming down her face. "You bastard, you fucking bastard. We've been worried sick. We couldn't find you. Why didn't you answer your fucking phone?" she screeched as I grabbed her flailing hands.

As I held her hands, she stopped fighting. "Where the hell were you?" she snarled. "Would it have hurt to send me a message to say you were all right?"

Shocked by her ferocity, I muttered stoically. "My phone battery was flat." I threw away her hands, with a flourish, as I finished snapping the lock. When I turned, Noah and Saffy stood side by side.

"Where were you, Saffy? You obviously didn't stay in the bus." I snarled poisonously.

She stared down at the pavement, her weight changing from foot to foot. "When we couldn't find you, we got one of the guy's at the bonfire to drive us back here."

Her face tightened into a grimace. "We waited here for a while, but when you didn't turn up, David offered us a bed at his place."

The mention of a bed, aroused anger I didn't even know I was capable of. "Very generous," I spat out sarcastically. "I hope he was able to put up with the noise."

It was Noah, who answered, in a flat monotone. "Bro, I slept on the couch," He said softly. "Nothing happened, dude."

Saffy tried to grab my hand, but I pushed her away. "Leave it out Saffy, after last night, you have no right."

"Isaac, let me explain."

"Oh yeah, and what are you going to say? You accidentality fell into his arms, his tongue accidentality slipped into your mouth."

"It wasn't like that, Isaac."

"Bloody looked like it to me."

Noah intervened. "Guys, can we talk about this on the bus? If we don't hit the road, we're going to be late."

"The show!" I barked loudly. "You think I give two fucks about the show?"

"He's right, Isaac, we need to get going." Saffy pleaded.

"Fuck you both, and fuck the show. You think I give a rats arse about the fucking show?"

"You don't mean that, babe, I know you must be angry, but..."

"No buts, no bullshit. I think this: whatever it was, is over. You two want to be together, then go and be together. Enjoy your shitty lives."

That's when Noah groaned. "What the fuck is all our stuff doing out here? What the fuck dude, did you go through my shit?" His eyes sparkled his face red with anger.

"Isaac, what's going on?" Saffy spluttered as she spotted all her personal belongings piled on the footpath.

Staring at them angrily, I snarled. "When I said this is over, I meant it. I mean, you two can fucking have each other. I'm going home to pack up and move. You can do whatever the fuck you want."

"Bro, come on, man. You can't just leave our shit here; what the fuck are we supposed to do?" Noah gasped.

"I don't fucking care. You are no longer my friend, Noah. You gave up that right. I don't know what you've been doing, or how long it's been going on. But hear me well. My part in this charade finishes here."

"Isaac, we have never slept together, never had sex, last night is all we have ever done. It's not like that, it's just things have got all mixed up. Living in the bus, the three of us together..."

She stopped talking and moved quickly up against me, her arms trying to slip around my waist, her head pressing up under my chin. "I love you, Isaac, that hasn't changed. I want to be with you forever. That is still my life goal."