Three Broken Lives the Adventure

She grinned widely, the anger for the moment gone. "I know, babe, and there's something else. The same place has asked about T-shirts, and other merch. Maybe we should be thinking about that stuff as well?"

Noah popped his head up front, whistling softly, before saying, "Oh yeah, it's happening, it's really happening. Don't you get it, bro. We are doing it." He patted my back, adding, "Do you think we can get some more CDs pressed, and get them sent down to Wellington? We could pick them up from there?"

"Oh my god," Saffy squealed. "The Herald has posted our interview, and it's friggin awesome. He went to the show, as well, and there's some awesome photos. Shit, you guys, we are opening more than doors, we're knocking the bastards down."

Saffy went back to the iPad, and Noah patted me on the shoulder again. "Bro, we are doing it, it's really happening, we are fucking flying, dude."

I had to admit he was right, the band, us, we were. In spite of the inner turmoil, were on the crest of a wave."Yeah, I would never have guessed it, but yeah, this is big. That Herald article is going to generate some serious interest."

It was a moment of joy, but, just like that, it was gone, and there was nothing to sustain the emotion. Like a deflating balloon, everything died. Noah went to the back of the bus, and played his little synth. Saffron sat like a stone idol beside me, unable to find words. After everything we shared, now there was a void between us that neither of us could cross.

Band wise. momentum was building. We were finding ways into mainstream media. By the time we got to Palmerston North, we had been contacted by a promoter who wanted to put on a couple of shows in Wellington. He guaranteed our fee up front. It meant rearranging some other shows, but it was too good to pass up.

When Saffy said she had ordered five hundred T-shirts, with our album cover photo emblazoned across the front. I have to say I was shocked, but Noah patted her on the back. "Well done, Saffy."

When she glanced at me for a reaction, I shrugged. The disappointment etched deeply in her features.

The shows in Palmy were awesome, as well. I wondered how we would go over, but it was unbelievable. Palmy is a university town, the population is young and we weren't really playing top-twenty shit.

How wrong could I be? The three shows were standing-room only, and we rocked the place. Yeah, okay, the personal side of things was still tense, awkward, but on stage, we were killing it. Thankfully, Saffy was able to swindle accommodation from the promoters. At least I didn't have to listen to them sharing a bed.

In Wellington, we had five gigs, the two that the promoter organised and the three at pubs around town. Saffy had been a bit cheeky and again coerced the promoter into supplying accommodation.

The tension, however, was growing, and I could see the interactions between Saffy and Noah were crawling back to the way things were. They giggled, flirted, and worked closely together on songs as I drove. She spent time in his hotel room, supposedly writing a new song.

The hard part was keeping some sort of separation while we weren't on stage. Prior to the bust up, we were so close. We used to sit in the bus, write and just fool around. We wandered around town as a group, laughing, fooling around like teenagers. Now, it was impossible to even be in the same room together.

I hadn't just lost my wife, I had lost my best friend, as well, and I missed them both.

Saffy tried, she wanted to talk, but couldn't find a way in. Every time we found time alone, she approached, but I walked away. I wanted to talk, as well, but the moment I tried, all the anger oozed back out. It stifled any chance for her. When we did talk, our conversations were shallow and focused on the band, the happiness we once shared was gone.

It was hard however watching them walk off after the shows to the hotel bedrooms. The first night it happened, Saffron saw my displeasure. She came back, as Noah walked off. "Isaac, I'm not sleeping with him. I have never touched him since that kiss. The rooms are twin shares; he has his own bed."

I wasn't sure I believed her, but it did ease the pain.

The shows were great, and our reputation was growing at an explosive rate. We couldn't keep up with the requests for interviews, both from print media, and now, radio.

Radio Windy, which was the biggest radio station in Wellington, wanted us. That was our biggest break. It was our first push into mainstream radio. Windy was a franchised station, had affiliate stations the length and breadth of the country, and they were playing our songs. Okay, they weren't on high rotation, mostly just on days when they were pushing our shows, but to get air time was huge.

Our last day in Wellington was a celebration day. The final show was such a blast. I mean the place went off. The crowd wasn't just big in numbers, they were so totally into our music. They danced right in front of the tiny stage, their sweat mingling with ours as they bounced, jumped, threw their arms in the air, hair swinging, voices joining ours.

It was the stuff you dream about as a musician: the crowd singing our songs, and shouting the words back at us.

Front and centre, right in front of me, was a girl, young and gorgeous, and she was dancing her arse off, spinning like a ballerina with her arms stretched high in the air. As she danced, our eyes met and she held the stare, her hands running up her taut firm body, cupping her boobs.

In a crazy impulsive moment of madness, I bent over, reached out my hand and pulled her up on stage. She looked shocked, but let me drag her on stage. She danced right up against me, her body rubbing against my crotch. She gyrated like a wild go-go dancer.

Saffy just stared angry bullets at me, although that quickly changed when the girl raced over to hug her, and they danced together. The crowd erupted in a furious crescendo.

Security appeared and dragged the girl away as we played on. It was wild, but created a couple of magic photos, which we could use.

As we walked off stage, we were swamped by the crowd, we were wrapped in tight embraces, kisses flowed from all directions. The security had to separate them and allow us out.

As we walked down the narrow aisle to the back bar, Saffy slipped under one arm, Noah under the other. Our bodies drenched in sweat, hearts pounding. "Holy shit, what a fucking night!" Noah yelled loudly. It was hard to breathe, my heart pounded so loud.

God damn, at moments like this, it was hard to separate the anger from the love. We were more than best friends, more than husband and wife, we were something much bigger. The music escalated us to far loftier heights. It was a spiritual mystical place, inhabited by so few.

"Fuck, bro, what a gig, Jesus I can't believe it, I'm flying bro." Noah cried, his voice echoing of the brick walls of the long corridor.

Saffy giggled insanely. "Isaac, you had to feel it, I'm flying, too."

I felt it, how could you not? Tears rolled down my cheeks, and when Saffy peered up into my face, I could see she was no better. Her face a black mask of flowing mascara. "I love you, Isaac."

"Yeah, me too, bro." Noah cheered at the top of his lungs.

We burst into the tiny bar. Noah flopped on the sofa, sprawling out like a soggy octopus.

We ordered a few drinks as we tried to get our breath back. Coming down from the gig, Saffy, as usual, was pumped beyond belief. She was so ecstatic. The bar area wasn't big, just a few chairs and a small sofa. Saffy and I sat in chairs while Noah took up the sofa. The drinks flowed as we chatted about the gig.

Saffron tried to make it light and fun, but it was to weird. Yeah, I questioned whether I made the right choice, but I couldn't think of any other way out. All I wanted was to take away the stinging biting pain.

I stood up, and said, "Goodnight, I'm off to bed."

"Isaac, we have rooms, you don't have to do that. Please, babe, my room is awesome, stay with me."

"Nah." I said with a shake of my head. Somebody has to make sure the gear's safe. See you in the morning."

Trudging out to Gerty, I was overcome by my crazy out of control emotions. Saffy was all I ever had, the one incredible highlight of a dark gloomy life. Without her, I was nothing. My fists were gripped tight as I flung open the door outside, the chilling night air grabbing me. "Fuck you, Saffy," I screamed into the dark. "You're my wife, fuck you, fuck you." The last nothing more than a breathless whimper.

It was a night of deep introspection, Noah was do deeply entwined in our lives. Yes, I did love the guy. Having never had a family or close friends, I didn't know how to express what I felt for him. I suppose it was love, we were more than best mates. How the hell could he do that to me? He knew how much she meant to me, he bloody knew.

I walked into the hotel dining room for breakfast, my head fuzzy from lack of sleep.

I got coffee and was sitting with my head in my hands contemplating how it all came to this when Noah flopped down in a seat beside me, looking haggard.

"Where's Saffron?" I asked

"She's up in the room. It was a long night."

"Yeah, I bet. Did it live up to expectations?" I barked.

"I slept on the couch, dude," Noah snarled right back at me, his face inches from mine. "What little sleep I got, that is. Man, I'm glad you're driving."

"You expect me to believe..."

"I don't have any fucking say in what you believe. That's obvious. All I can do is tell you what happened." He sighed.

When I didn't answer, he added. "Saffron talked last night. She told me the whole story, man. About your life, the orphanage, never knowing your parents and how alone you were. She told me how you met, and started doing music together. The whole deal. Until like five in the morning."

"As if you fucking care," I hissed.

Shaking his head in disbelief, he growled, "Man, I'm telling you. I had no clue, dude. You're fucking unbelievable, you know that? To be the musician you are, the man you are, after all that shit? I'm not sure I could have done it."

"Noah, shut the fuck up. Words have always come easy to you. They're nothing but empty shells."

"Dude, you're wrong. I know how bad it must have hurt to see Saffy and me that night. It must have hurt even more seeing us go off together last night."

"Hurt, I doubt whether you even know what the word means," I spluttered caustically.

"I'm sorry, dude. I'm sorry okay, I don't know what else to say, or do. You have my word, nothing has happened bro. I... I love Saffy. And I love you. And I know you love us both. I don't know how we're gonna work out all this weird shit, but it's gotta be the three of us together."

I just shook my head, my mind trying to sift through his bullshit.

He was on a roll, though, and wouldn't shut up. "We have to do it together, dude, Including you. If you isolate yourself again, you're gonna be back in that all alone place like you were before you met Saffy. You don't want that."

"Noah, for fucks sake. Shut up."

"No, no way, bro. Saffy and I want to sort this shit out. We need to sit down together, get drunk, write a song or something, I dunno. But I'm begging you, man. Don't cut us out, it won't help. We fucked up big time, yeah, and we're as sorry as we can be. But I couldn't bear to see you go back there. We'll do better. I promise on my life we will."

I couldn't listen to him any more, I needed to get away. Pushing back my chair, I snarled. "Thanks for fucking up my breakfast, arsehole. I marched angrily outside.

Taking my time, I strolled down towards the waterfront, found a bench seat and sat to think.

After giving my thoughts a little more consideration, I wandered back to the bus. Saffy and Noah were waiting; they milled around outside, our overnight bags at their feet.

As I approached, Saffy reached out her arms for a kiss, and hug. The kiss was warm, although I tasted Marmite, on her lips. Saffy doesn't like Marmite, so since breakfast, mine wasn't the only kiss she shared.

We climbed up in the bus, and as they stowed away the bags, I fired old Gerty up and pulled out into the morning traffic, heading for the ferry.

Saffy came and sat beside me in her little seat. "You should see social media this morning. It's going off, babe. People loved the show."

"Nice to know," I replied curtly. I saw her wince at my lack of interest.

"We have another interview, once we get to Picton. The local radio station 89.1 FM, the hits."

"Good," I muttered.

She again looked at me with a hint of fear sweeping her face. "Isaac, can we please at least be civil? I get it, I let you down. Can't we at least try?"

With a shrug, I muttered, "I am doing my best here, Saffy."

She replied with hope in her plea, "We have put too much work into this Isaac. God, we are on the cusp of becoming mainstream acceptable. We all need each other, and it would be so much easier if we could just talk without all the animosity."

That's when the silence descended. I didn't know what to say. I found myself continuously biting back scathing rejoinders to everything they said. Sometimes just the sound of them giggling was enough to make me shudder.

As we parked in the bowels of the inter-island ferry, I said, "I'm going to the bar. Please, just stay out of my way, okay? All I want is some peace and space."

I saw them at different times during the three hour crossing, walking around together. At times, she leaned against him, her arm around his waist. It made me angry, and plain frustrated the shit out if me.

We didn't talk again until we were shepherded down to the bus.

Pulling into Picton was nice; it's one of those beautiful parts of the world, spectacular, deep green waters. It's a cute little town, buried in the fiords. The native forest comes right down to the waterfront in the sounds. Truly a special place. We had one gig here, and then another in Blenheim the next day.

The Picton gig was at Seamus's Irish pub, and it turned out to be a cracker. The place was wall-to-wall people, and the dance floor thumped to the sounds of stamping feet. With a different tension now building in our little group, it flowed into the music. Noah was on fire, and really, I could see the expectation in his eyes.

The calls for encores went on and on. We were only shut down by the manager who was trying to appease a couple of cops who walked in. We packed up, and Saffy went off to pick up our check. "Fuck what a night dude, shit, they loved it."

Trying to deflect, I mumbled, "Yeah, you and Saffy were sure on fire tonight."

"Bullshit bro, it's not just her and me, or you and her for that matter. It's all of us, dude, we're meant to be together. all of us. It doesn't work without all of us. It's the sum of the parts, bro, the sum of the parts. There's magic happening here, Isaac, it's spiritual, mystical."

As I packed away some cables, he added. "You know, dude, I was nothing, just a fucking keyboard player for hire. Played in all sorts of shitty cover bands, yeah it was fun, but I was nothing. Then we had that bloody jam, and i knew right there and then. This was it, this is what my whole life had led me to."

I kept working, not looking at him. "I know you feel it as well, Isaac, This thing, the three of us, it's fucking huge, bro, so much bigger than just here and now. I'm telling you bro, the three of us, we have something that people want. Your songs are fucking awesome, dude. Tonight, the songs that they sang back at us, they're all yours, dude. You've got the touch, bro. We have got to make this pay, Isaac, we just have to."

*****

We had some drinks at the bar. In the past, it was a joyous moment, now, here, tonight, the mood slowly grew gloomy. As we were finishing up, Saffy whispered so the bar staff couldn't hear. "Babe, let me spend the night with you. We need to talk."

"No more talk, Saffy. I'm sleeping in the bus. They gave us two rooms, you guys do what you want with them, but don't tell me, because I don't want to know."

After a final drink, they walked off to their rooms and I headed out to the bus. Fuck, it was hard watching them go off together, seeing the tense expressions on their faces as they walked up the stairs. Fucking Noah and his bullshit. Did he really expect me to believe him? I mean, all that fucking crap. Fuck them both.

Another night of tossing and turning. My heart yearned to feel Saffy's body next to mine. Her heart beating against my chest, her mouth, wet, succulent, her breath warm and moist.

God i missed her, and every day got harder and harder. It was like being a prisoner on death row, just waiting for that final call. When were they going to put me out of my misery? All this bullshit talk about loving more than one person. Fucking bullshit. She just wanted him.

The morning, was difficult. Saffy called me to say breakfast was ready. The publican came in and booked us for another show on our return journey.

As we sat at the table, Saffy blurted out. "We slept in separate rooms, Isaac."

"Good for you," I snapped.

Driving Gerty took my mind off the situation. Saffy and Noah sat in the back, Saffy on her iPad as she always did: emails, social media stuff, replying to posts and media requests. Noah sat cross legged on the bed, his little keyboard on his lap. Always writing, always working on something.

Arriving at the pub, Saffy walked in to talk to the manager and Noah and I walked into the main bar to check out the stage. As we neared the door, he grabbed my hand. "Bro, can we talk before going in?"

"Yeah, what's up?"

"This, Bro, our circumstances. Look, dude, I'm not trying to get in the middle of your marriage, all right. Yes, I'm attracted to Saffy. I like her a lot, but we're bros, and that means a lot to me. I don't want to be in the middle."

"Noah, this is fucked, okay? You're already in the middle, and that's by choice. So don't fucking complain to me, dude. It was your choice, okay? You're the one who decided you wanted my wife. I didn't push you."

"Fuck, dude, C'mon, yeah, I do have feelings for her, but you and I, we're bros. It's the same as the music, man. We are on the same frequency, the same channel. When we play, you know where I'm going before I do, we are that fucking tight. I feel that way about our lives, as well. We share the same opinions, the same values, fuck, we even share the same tastes in food. I do love Saffy, but I'm not getting between you."

"It doesn't feel that way at the moment. At the moment, I feel like the third wheel."

"That's because you locked us out, dude. You created this crazy situation. Come on dude, I miss you. I hate the way things are. I hate seeing you sad. Nothing happened between us, not a damn thing."

"No, Noah, I saw the furtive glances, the little touches, the stolen conversations. I'm like a policeman, always watching for the crime wave to start. I'm not spending the rest of my life keeping you apart. If you're gonna do it, just fucking get it over with. Put me out of my misery."

I pushed past him, opened the big doors and started packing in all the gear. He sighed loudly and joined in. Saffy appeared to help, and said quietly, "The manager is going to swing for a couple of rooms." She gave me a nervous grin as she handed Noah one of the keys, keeping the other for herself. "I've had a look; they're nice rooms. Isaac, we could share the second one, so you didn't have to sleep in the bus."

I shook my head. "No, the rooms are yours." She sighed loudly, sadly. We finished the sound checks, and this time it was Noah who led us into a novel song. 'Paper Thin Hotel,' an old Leonard Cohen song. It's a song I must have heard a thousand times over the years, but never really listened to lyrics. That night, as Noah sang them loud and proud, I realised what it was about. Cheeky bastard. It was a simple song, so I just focused on the guitar work. Saffy was dumbstruck, she just listened, she didn't know the lyrics either.