Three Broken Lives the Adventure

"Yeah, well it certainly didn't look like it last night. You ditched me to be with him." The anger just exploded, and I screamed. "You fucking betrayed me, Saffy. You want that fucking slimy shit head, then fucking have him. Our marriage is officially over. This fucking band, it's over. Everything is over."

"Isaac, you're over reacting, it was just a stupid kiss. Everything got confused, lines blurred. Living so close together like this and the connection we all have. We have talked about it, you feel it as well. Last night was just a combination of lots of things."

With a deep sigh, she added. "You feel it, I know you do, and it's more than the music, much more. There is something spiritual, something magical between the three of us. When we play together, there is that amazing vibe; it's like we all know what the other is thinking. Even when we are talking, we finish each other's sentences. We do it, because we can, somehow, we are all connected. Last night, all the pot and booze just knocked down my resistance."

"Isaac, we messed up dude. It's my fault. I have developed a real emotional connection with Saffy, and with you. Last night was a culmination of lots of little things. I stepped over the line. I'm sorry, bro. It won't happen again." Noah added loudly.

"Bullshit, don't give me that load of horseshit."

"We did a shitty thing. Nobody expects you to just like that. We're sorry, Isaac, but we have to find a way to get past this. We have a tour to finish."

"Fuck the tour," I hissed. "Who cares?"

"You care, babe, and we care. There's a lot riding on this. We have obligations, contracts, we made guarantees. If we don't meet them, we will get sued. Like the show tonight, I have already had like five messages, saying, "Where are you?"

"I don't care, Saffron. I'm not being played for a fool any longer. This band is now dead. Got it, as dead as our marriage. You do what you want. I'm through."

They stared at each other, their faces full of confusion, and fear. "You can't do this, bro. We, including you have obligations, we've signed contracts. There's lots of money at stake here, dude. I mean fucking lots. You walk away now, and we'll be paying for this for the rest of our fucking lives." Noah barked anxiously.

I didn't reply, I just glared the seven daggers of death at them...

"Isaac, babe. Please. Think about what you're doing. We've been doing so well. We are really making progress here. Everything's coming together; everything we ever dreamed about is now within our grasp."

"Dreams, don't throw that shit in my face. All I ever dreamed about was you. Don't you understand, the music is great, but it is you, Saffron, that's all I ever cared about. All I wanted was to make you happy, and you treat me like this? No, fuck that. You can suck shit and die."

"Settle down dude, you don't mean that," Noah threw at me, as he tried to grab my arm.

"You can fuck right off arsehole. Think yourself lucky, I don't knock your fucking block off."

Saffy started crying and tried to grab my hand. Noah walked off, his phone in his hand. "Isaac, please babe. You can't just abandon us here like this. Where are we supposed to go?"

"I don't care, Saffron. The bus is mine. Apart from my music gear, it's the only thing I actually own. Everything else, you can keep."

"Isaac, please, you're not thinking clearly."

"You're wrong, Saffron. I think I might be thinking clearly for the first time in my life. I always knew it was to good to last. I always wondered why you were interested in me. I think this is best. A clean break."

"No, please babe, think about this. The tour, if we don't finish this tour we are screwed. Not just for a year or so. I'm talking our whole lives. We will owe so much money we may never clear it. Christ, Isaac. I worked my arse off getting all these gigs, and now they're locked in. We have contracts, they're all signed."

Noah came striding manfully back. "I've just talked to a lawyer and he's drawing up an injunction. He's going to be here in an hour."

He glared at me. "Isaac, you might not like it, but this tour, it's our job, bro; it's how we make money. We are obligated, by law to finish it. See it through. Oh, and by the way, I have a share in that fucking bus, as does Saffy. I invested money in it to get it ready for this tour. Saffy owns half of it through the marital properties act."

Saffy, just stared, her mouth hanging open. Noah walked over and gave her a hug. "Don't worry, he can't do this. We have a financial share in that bus." He aimed his next shot fair and squarely at me. "Bro, if you walk away from this tour, you are the one who's gonna get burned. Saffy and me, we're gonna be clear, dude. It's you who will get hammered."

I felt the weight of the world bearing down on me. I was no expert, when it came to the law. I understood none of this.

With my mind spinning at a gazillion miles an hour, I thought, "Fuck it, I need to get away."

I walked to the bus, but as I climbed up the steps. Noah jumped me. He grabbed me from behind, and pulled me down on the ground.

"No you don't, bro." He growled. "You're staying until the cops get here."

Saffy ran over, as we wrestled on the ground. "Stop it, you two. Please, for gods sake, stop." She started dragging Noah off me.

It was then that the cops did arrive. They separated us, and we stood around as they interrogated us all separately.

That's when Noah's shyster lawyer turned up. He had the paperwork for the injunction filled out, but not filed.

It was a lady cop who took me over to the police car and shoved me in. She climbed in beside me and pulled the door shut. "Isaac, this is none of my business, and maybe I should keep my mouth shut, but here it is. I came to the show last night. I watched you guys, and you are good, I mean really good. That lawyer out there is going to screw you, mate. Do you understand?"

She saw the confusion, the anxiety on my face.

"Isaac, he is going to make this all about you. Do you understand? He is in the right legally. Morally, this is wrong, but he is right. You're going to get lumbered with all the costs. Maybe all the venues won't sue, but the ones who do, they're going to come after you."

I nodded. Even in my befuddled state, I knew she was right.

She reached over and dragged me into a hug. "I'm going to give you some advice. Finish the damn tour. You're going to have to share this bus with them; there's no way out of that. You don't have to like them, Christ, you don't even have to talk to them, just be professional. Work with them. Draw up a contract. Make sure you don't get screwed. Find a way to keep your finances separate. Once the tour's over, then you're free to do what you want."

As we hugged, I nodded. "Thanks, I appreciate it." I chuckled softly. "You're good at this."

"Years of being a mum." She sighed.

"For what it's worth, Isaac, what they did was wrong, but I see real love in that girls eyes. She messed up, but I sense you love her a whole lot more than you're letting on. Take some time, the tour might be a chance to catch your breath, reassess things."

"Yeah, it's going to be hard, though. There's no space in that damn bus. I'm not sitting by while they get it on right in front of me."

She shook her head knowingly. "I wouldn't expect you to. Surely some of the venues can offer accommodation?"

"I suppose."

When we walked back out, it was the lady cop who addressed everybody.

"Isaac has decided to finish the tour."

There was a collective sigh of relief. Saffy tried to give me a hug. "I'm finishing the tour, Saffron. It doesn't change how I feel about you." I tried to stay calm, but when I stared at Noah, I added, "And that goes for you as well, arsehole. Stay, out of my way. This is now nothing more than a business decision."

The crowd dissipated, and I climbed into the bus while Saffron and Noah loaded all their stuff back in.

As I got behind the wheel, and fired up Gerty, I snapped. "Get on the net and start looking at which shows we can cancel. Anything not contracted, cut. I want out of this as soon as possible" Gerty coughed and spluttered as she came to life, the gearbox graunching as I slipped it into first.

With an air of defeat, Noah said "I'm going to have a kip. I'm shattered."

Saffy sat on her little seat beside me as I manoeuvred the 30-year-old bus out into traffic. She wasn't fleet footed or fast, but she was reliable. We trundled through the heavily built up suburban areas, looking for state highway two. It's only seventeen kilometres, but we were way behind schedule.

I found the on ramp, and we were soon hitting the high speed of ninety kilometres an hour.

As we trundled noisily along, Saffy finally spoke. "I don't want to cancel anything, Isaac. We have been getting amazing feedback, we are getting recognised and doors are beginning to open. I have an interview this afternoon with a reporter for the Herald. He wants to do an article on us."

Peeling my eyes away from the road, I stared at her. "Don't expect me to just carry on as if nothing happened, Saffron. I'm here because of the legal repercussions, nothing more."

"Isaac, give me a chance, you'll see, we can put it behind us, we can move on. It was a mistake; can't we just try and put it in the past?"

She sounded sad and tired as she added, "I am sorry, Isaac, but I have never ever lied to you, and I don't want to start now. I tried to explain the connection with Noah many times over recently. I think you felt that as well, I saw it in your eyes. It started with the music, but it goes much deeper than that now, and I don't care what you say, you feel it, as well."

"What are you trying to say, Saffron."

"I'm trying to say last night has been coming for a while. I have been pushing back on my attraction to Noah. The problem is, we live together, we're jammed in this bloody bus, and it's impossible to hide from."

"So what you said earlier about nothing more happening was a lie?"

"What? No. I'm just tying to be honest, explain why I let it happen. God, it was just the booze. Last night it took away the barriers I had up. Last night they got knocked down. Isaac, I'm attracted to Noah, I can't explain it, I can't defend it. I'm attracted to him, and I was hoping that we could talk about that. See if there was some way we could, well, without putting to finer point on it, include him."

"Include him... What the hell does that mean?"

"I don't know, Isaac, I have practised this speech a hundred times, and I'm still no closer to understanding it myself. I wanted to talk about opening our relationship to include him."

"How the fuck do you think that could possibly work, Saffron?"

"Isaac, there are lots of couples from all over the world that have opened their arms to include other people."

"No, Saffron, no more babbling; tell me in black and white what you were expecting, or wanting."

"We could let Noah into our bed." She said, her voice stumbling, hesitant.

"You mean, like a threesome?"

"Yes, I suppose so, although I was thinking it would be more loving than just a sexual thing. I know you love him, you're closer than brothers, already closer than most families, and I feel it as well."

"I can't believe this, Saffron. I've never expressed any desires for anything like that."

"I know that, babe. I understand, but you have felt it, you know what I'm talking about, our connection, it's deep babe, real deep. All of us, not just Noah and me, we have something special. You have to realise, though, I would never do anything, not without you being okay with it. Last night, it was just the booze, and the pot."

"So, as long as I stop you from drinking, nothing will happen? You will still have all these unrequited feelings of love for him, you just won't act on them, so long as I make sure you don't drink."

"No, shit no. This is all coming out wrong. Isaac, you are the most important thing in my life. I love our life, I love the music, I love being together, I'm sorry I just got things confused. You know I would give all this up if it was going to ruin what we have. I'd do it in a flash, babe."

We drove on in silence, my mouth dry, my head thumping again like a resounding kick drum. Luckily, the venue wasn't hard to find, although there was some remodelling going on and parking was difficult. The loading bay was blocked. We would have to pack in through the front.

We unpacked and set up. The stage manager was angry, but Saffy quietened him down with some bullshit about the bus breaking down and no cell coverage. Not sure he bought it, but it at least pushed aside the animosity. When Saffy gave him a big hug and kiss, it was forgotten in an instant.

With the stage set, it was time for sound check. The stage was filled with tension, nobody spoke, we all fussed around tuning and getting ready. Saffy walked up to her mic and did a few, one, two, testing vocals. Noah plonked away on his keys, testing his mic. I felt the tremendous weight of expectation bearing down on me, like Sisyphus, left to try and support the crumbing ruins of what had been the most incredible experience of my short life.

I walked up to my mic, and with trepidation, I started singing. We usually started sound check with something easy. That day, I started with Loyal, an old Dave Dobbyn number. We had never sung it before, not as a group. It had come up as a request the previous night. I loved it growing up, a timeless piece of Kiwianna, and I thought the lyrics were apt. Loyal starts with a clever little guitar riff, which is unmistakable.

As I started plucking, I saw Saffy and Noah staring back and forth. I kept the intro riff going, building and building, the tension growing with every note, I kept the momentum building, and building, dragging inexorably towards the first verse. I hit the big juicy D major and started singing.

Noah, being the genius he was, picked it up immediately, and his heavy synth laden keys came in fat and vibrant.

Saffy wiped away a tear and stepped back from the mic. She just walked around staring at Noah, who was doing his best to ignore her and me, focusing directly on his keys.

I'm not sure I have ever sung with such ferocity or bravery. I'm not a natural singer, and usually have to build into it. That day, the lyrics flowed from my tremulous lips like toffee. Thick and rich.

Noah was onto it, smart prick. He came in on the chorus, his vocals a perfect harmony. With the chorus, Saffy finally found her voice and she started to sing. Suddenly, all the tension was gone. With her voice in the mix, the world was a perfect place again, all was right with the world. All of the anger, all of the bitterness ebbed away, and we played, the music carrying us to a better place.

There was something ringing true about the healing qualities of music. We finished the song with a flourish and the applause rang loud from the sound engineer and a barman standing on the bar, clapping like crazy yelling, "Yoh, choice, Bro." The fire in his eyes showed how much that song meant to him.

Saffy walked over to give me a hug, quickly followed by Noah, but as they approached, I raised up my hand to stop them. "This is a business deal, got it? I don't like you, I don't want to talk to you. Let's just do our jobs, and get this thing over and done with."

They shared a sad look, and Noah shook his head. "You're fucking this up, dude. I mean, you are really screwing up. We shared one lousy fucking kiss. Jesus, dude. We have done nothing wrong."

"Nothing wrong!" I was furious, but the sound guys were staring at us, so I hissed softly. "You lying bastard. If I hadn't turned up when I did last night, you would have been fucking her. She's my wife, dude. Don't tell me you haven't done anything wrong."

I stormed off the stage, leaving them staring at my back.

I couldn't settle, my heart pounded like mad. I needed a walk. Hastings is a quaint little place, full of old art deco buildings and plenty of parks. I walked off my anger. I spent the rest of the afternoon just walking. Let's face it, I couldn't go back to the bus. My home was their home.

It was late when I got back to the bus. Saffy and Noah were already inside by the look of it. I was good with that. I had just enough time for a quick shower, and change of clothes before dinner, at the hotel.

Saffron, and Noah left me to myself. I saw them sitting at a table, leaning close together. I found a table by myself.

Saffron kept staring over at me, apparently wanting to talk. I could see it in her eyes, she wanted to fix what was obviously pulling us all down into the mire that sucked like quicksand bog.

Dinner was provided as part of our payment. Usually, this was one of our happy times, nice food and drinks, a chance to sit together and plan the show. Tonight, they left me to myself.

On stage, Noah handed me a set list. "We chose these songs. You didn't want to help, so suck it up buttercup."

It was a slow start, we were all feeling the tension, all hurting. Once we started, though, all of the anger vanished, the tension was still there, but we slipped into performance mode, and the music became a tonic, an elixir that allowed us to burst free of the anger and let it all out in our performance.

The show was amazing, the tension surrounding our off-stage relationship somehow fuelled our on-stage one. The crowd were amazing, and we had another stellar night. The pile of CD's we brought with us dwindled rapidly.

After the show, Noah got lucky and picked up some chick, or at least he convinced her she picked him up. At least it gave Saffy and me the bus to ourselves.

Although, once we were back in the bus, Saffron asked. "Am I allowed in our bed?"

With a shake of my head, I replied hastily. "No, you can take Noah's bunk. I don't think you've grasped it yet, have you? We are finished, Saffron. Our marriage is over."

"Jesus, Isaac, it was just a kiss. Nothing more, just a fucking kiss."

"Just a kiss aye, then answer me this. If I hadn't turned up when I did. Would you have had sex with him?"

I saw the blood drain out of her face, the fire that was there moments earlier was gone, replaced by a guilty embarrassed ashen grimace. "Well." I snarled viciously.

"Maybe, I don't know. I'm sorry, Isaac, but everything has been so confused. I might have. I don't know."

"Bullshit. Christ. At least be honest, we both know what the answer is. Yes, you would have."

"Fuck you, Isaac, you think you know everything. I said I don't know, and I meant it. I don't know, I really don't." She ran her fingers through her hair, her grim expression softening. "It was just a kiss, a silly stupid kiss."

We slept in separate beds for the first time since we met. I heard her crying, her fitful sobs, serenading my own descent into darkness.

Noah turned up in the morning, just before we were due to head away, looking a bit drained. Saffy snorted. "Rough night, aye?"

He chuckled softly. "Not so much rough, as long; hardly got any sleep at all. Bloody chick was a nympho."

Saffy didn't look that impressed with his response. We checked the bus and trailer and hit the road south. Palmerston North, here we come. The drive was a bit tense. Saffy seemed lost; she spent most of the trip on her iPad, adding comments, putting up advertising and responding to the hundreds of messages about how much people enjoyed the show.

She checked our webpage, that's when she screamed, "Fuck me dead! We have an order for five hundred CDs, some record shop in Palmy wants them."

I did some rough calculations. We were getting low; if we delivered those, we would be down to less than four hundred. "You realise, over the last month we have sold nearly the entire two thousand CDs?" I replied incredulously. It was a milestone, it crept up on us so surreptitiously, we had all missed it.