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Then it was Dion's turn, "Sean, how many times do you jack off a week?"
Sean grinned and bit his lip before answering, "Probably around a dozen. Less since we've been doing the pledge workouts, haven't had time for my morning sesh."
"Benefits of not having a roommate around, lucky fuck," Zach laughed.
"Chris," Sean said, "What's the wildest thing you did in Argentina?"
Chris sucked on his teeth, and then took a drink.
"Hahaha, dude now I need to know," Dion said, "Was it really that bad?"
"Use your imagination cause I'm not telling," Chris said, "But my turn. Zach, what's something you'd change about D?"
Zach pondered it for a minute as Dion looked at him expectantly, "Honestly...nothing's coming to mind."
"Boo, bad answer," Chris said as Dion grinned widely, "I mean for god's sake, he snores!"
"Only if his head rolls over the back of the pillow," Zach said, "So it's basically an excuse to touch him in the middle of the night."
"Ah, so is that what those 3 am wake ups are for, I just thought you couldn't get enough of me," Dion said, playing footsie with Zach next to him.
"I can't, the snores are just a wake up call to the sexy man in bed with me," Zach said, playing footsie back, "But back to you big bro, what's the second wildest thing you did in Argentina?"
"Having a belly shot on a prostitute at a dive bar in Buenos Aires," Chris said, "She may've had something to do with the wildest thing too, but I'm taking that to the grave."
Chris lit another cigarette and turned to Sean. "So, Lil D," Chris said, "Where would you say you are on the spectrum."
"I'm not autistic," Sean said and the rest of the guys laughed.
"You know what I meant, sexuality wise," Chris said as they quieted down again, "We got a gay a bi and a straight here. But it's like that Ron White bit right, nobody wants porn with tiny limp dicks, we want 'em big and hard, so we're all a little gay aren't we. So, how gay are you?"
Sean tapped his foot and his mouth pulled into half a grin half a grimace, till he raised his cup to Chris and took a drink.
"Oh come on," Zach said loudly, "Why wouldn't you answer that?"
"He doesn't have to, he took a drink," Dion said, "It's a personal question, we don't need to interrogate him."
"Bullshit," Zach said, surprised at how angry he suddenly felt but drunk enough he couldn't let it go. He turned to face Sean, "Honestly I think it's a fucking insult. What's there to hide? Here of all places? As if any of us would care or judge you one way or the other. And especially after how you reacted when I hadn't--"
"Zach, come on, please," Dion said, reaching a hand over to Zach's arm trying to calm him down but Zach shook it off.
"I'm just saying it's not like you have to worry bout anybody here calling you a fag," Zach said bitterly.
"Zach." Dion said sharply.
"~Bro you're drunk, take a breath,~" Chris added.
But Zach ignored them and continued staring accusingly at Sean. Even by the light of the fire he could see Sean had gone pale, and it was like his face had become a mask, stony and emotionless as he stared back.
"Come on guys, let's do something el--"
"No, he's right," Sean said and his mask cracked. He furrowed his brow and sucked in his lips as he looked at his feet, no longer able to meet Zach's gaze. The circle went quiet, the only sound the crackle of firewood and the steady thrum of crickets.
Eventually, quavering, Sean broke the silence, "I'm, uh, pretty sure I'm bi." He raised his eyes to Zach's over the fire, waiting for his reaction.
Zach's anger melted and immediately he felt terrible for pressing the point. He blushed and looked away, grabbing a pack of cigarettes and lighting one.
"Aw, dude--are we the first people you've told?" Dion asked. Sean rubbed the back of his head and nodded silently.
"Good for you, man," Chris said.
"Can I have one of those?" Sean asked Zach and Zach tossed him the pack, still avoiding his eyes.
"Have you messed around with any guys?" Chris asked.
"Ha," Sean barked out then lit a cigarette before he answered, "Well I shotgunned some weed with my best friend and got a raging erection in front of two upperclassmen, does that count?"
Chris and Dion laughed at that, and even Zach smiled. Zach finally looked back across the fire at Sean to find him still staring at him. When their eyes met Sean grinned at Zach's smile.
Sean took another drag on his cigarette before continuing, "Seriously though, I haven't really come close. If my dad found out I even had an interest he'd probably kick me out."
"Well fuck him dude," Dion said, "You ever, ever need a place you can crash with me long as you need."
"I appreciate it," Sean said, looking affectionately at his big.
"Look, Sean, I'm sorry I shouldn't--" Zach started but Sean cut him off.
"Don't be. Like seriously, please don't. You were right, stupid thing to be secretive about, specially with you guys."
"Still, I--," Zach buried his face in his hands and groaned, "I feel like a drunk asshole."
Sean laughed lightly, "You're not."
Zach looked back up, pushing his long hair out of his face and back across his head. It was a frequent habit, just something to do to get his hair out of his eyes. He didn't realize it always made him look more beautiful than ever.
"But I feel like one. Can we hug it out?"
"Sure buddy," Sean smiled, and the friends walked around the fire and pulled each other into an embrace, Zach burying his face against Sean's chest while Sean's chin rested on his head. It was a long and forceful but still tender hug, and it said a lot that went unsaid. Zach couldn't see Sean's eyes watering but Dion did.
When they pulled out of the hug Zach noticed Sean wiping his eyes. Zach put a hand on his shoulder and smiled up at him, "Wasn't so bad, was it?"
"Nah," Sean said smiling back, "Honestly feels good to have it off my chest."
"You don't realize how heavy a secret is till you let it go," Dion said.
Zach's stomach dropped at the words and he almost felt faint. He usually tried not to think of the fact that maybe the most consequential thing in his life was his and his alone. That even after his best friend had shared his deepest secret, or even after the boy he loved told him he loved him too, Zach couldn't even dream of sharing his own secret with them. He was too selfish and too afraid. His hand unconsciously went to his pocket, and the watch and chain that usually felt light as rain seemed more a lead weight, pulling him far away from the people he cared about into some still, eternal loneliness.
"Are you ok?" Sean asked concerned, "You just looked really sad all of a sudden."
"No, I'm fine," Zach said, forcing himself to smile again as he took his hand from his pocket, "And I'm really proud of you."
As he and Sean sat back down Chris asked quietly, "~Some secret weighing you down?~"
"No, it's just, I think that last beer may've been one too many. Felt a little nauseous for a second," Zach said, uncomfortable from the concerned looks all around.
"I'll grab you some water," Chris said, standing up.
"No, seriously man, I feel fine now, was just for a second," Zach said, half tempted to turn back time.
"Either way, water will help. And I wanted to grab my guitar anyway," Chris said, patting Zach on the chest as he walked back to the house.
Dion was giving Zach a weird look, part concerned part curious, but he didn't say anything. Instead he tapped Sean on the shoulder and gestured for him to lean in close. With a sneaky smile Dion whispered behind his hand, "So, little bro, considering you're a fellow bisexual and all, can we discuss how fucking sexy my boyfriend is?"
Sean laughed. He and Dion looked over at Zach, making Zach blush.
"He is pretty damn cute," Sean whispered back with a half embarrassed half excited grin.
"Are you guys trying to make a point or something?" Zach laughed, not able to hear a word they were saying.
"I mean that ass though, right? You see the way he was sticking it out when you guys were kneeling earlier?" Dion kept on whispering.
"Might as well ask if I've seen the moon before, how could I miss it," Sean answered.
"Yeah, yeah, fuck you too," Zach said as the guys burst into laughter after whatever Dion said last. Zach thought he heard something about Neil Armstrong but he had no idea what they could be talking about.
Chris came back pretty quickly, a cup of water in one hand, an acoustic guitar in the other, and a blunt behind his ear. He passed the water to Zach and the blunt to Sean.
"Spark us up, Lil D," Chris said as he sat down and strummed out a few chords, making some slight adjustments to the tuning pegs. Then he looked at Dion and grinned like an excited kid, "You gonna play with me, Dion?"
Dion grinned back, "I missed you so fucking much, Chrissy. Let's do it."
Chris tapped out a beat with his foot against the stone patio and started playing a soft, pleasant song. Zach knew he knew it, but he couldn't place it till Dion came in singing sweetly and clearly,
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise."
Zach and Sean occasionally passed the blunt between them as they sat back and enjoyed the voice that'd gotten Dion the lead in every musical he'd been in, and a guitar that sounded like it was made for Chris' fingers. When the duo finished Blackbird they jumped right into A Horse with No Name. Chris caught Zach's eye and gestured for the blunt, and Zach held it to his lips as he kept playing. When it got to the "la la la la la la" Dion hummed as he took his hits.
As the la's faded out and Chris stopped playing he asked the group, "Alright, taking requests."
"How bout Good Riddance, that's an acoustic one right?" Sean said.
"Who does that?" Dion asked, finishing off the blunt.
"You know it, it's the Green Day one, 'time of your life,'" Chris said, looking at the guitar like he was plotting out the chords, "But I'd do a better Billy Joe Armstrong then you anyway," Chris grinned and started playing and singing himself. He didn't have quite the range or clarity Dion had, but he was almost a voice doppelgänger for the Green Day singer. And when it got to the violin solo part Chris improvised a really cool guitar solo instead, almost like he was making it cry.
The guys clapped for Chris as he let the last few chords fade away. He plucked a few random strings and looked at Zach, "D says him and Peters have been doing some voice coaching with you."
"Yup," Zach said, "Needed to learn to project a bit better."
"Well, you're up. What do you want to sing?"
"Nah, I'm good," Zach said bashfully. He liked singing along to things and with people, but the idea of just singing on his own in front of people made his stomach turn. He'd been arguing with Dion and the musical director Peters for weeks that he wouldn't do the Spring musical.
"Come on Zach," Dion got up and stood behind Zach, then leaned over and wrapped his arms around his neck, his face against Zach's cheek and said, "You've got such a pretty voice, sing something for me."
Zach blushed and shook his head, but Chris said, "I'm playing the big card. Sing us a song or Jack'll have the paddle ready to go back at the house and we'll find out how high a note you can hit."
"Fucker," Zach grinned as Dion and Sean laughed, "Fine. Can I have the guitar? If I gotta do this I don't wanna have time to think about how awkward I feel."
"Guitar player too, huh?" Sean said.
"You learn one instrument easy enough to learn some more," Zach said.
"It's true," Chris said as he passed his guitar to Zach, who rolled up his sleeves, sat on the edge of his chair and tested out a few chords.
"I only got a couple songs memorized though," Zach said, and he started playing.
It took him awhile to get into the rhythm, and he repeated the opening riff several times before he was comfortable he had the timing down, but eventually he started singing. Reserved and quietly at first, almost more like he was speaking,
"I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music do ya"
But it didn't take long for the melody to take him, and he closed his eyes as he let his voice expand,
"Well it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah"
And Zach sang hallelujahs. He couldn't hope for the rich timbre of Jeff Buckley, his voice was too delicate for that, but he poured all of his hopes and fears and ecstasies into the word, and it trembled off his tongue.
"Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya"
Sean gripped the armrest of his chair. He'd thought his faith was strong. And more than in Jesus, though Jesus was there, in his self image, in his need to be a better man than his father, in his naive and sappy hopes for a girlfriend he always knew he wasn't really interested in, except to the extent she could bolster that self image. And he remembered seeing Zach nearly burst out of the shower that first week of school, frothy with soap and ridiculous, but fucking beautiful. And here tonight, while the moonlight kissed his hair in a silver halo.
"She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah"
*And what'd he just do? Tore me down, shoved my nose in it and made me say it,* Sean thought, covering his mouth with his hand through hallelujahs, *thank fucking Christ.*
"Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really goin on below
But now you never show that to me do ya"
Dion's stomach knotted. He thought of Katrina, of every secret and hope they ever shared, of every look that revealed their every thought, and he just knew it was slipping through his fingers. That already they were growing distant, that he knew he couldn't love her the way he did before, and he knew she knew it too, even if neither of them were prepared to admit it.
"But remember when I moved in you
And holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew is Hallelujah"
And in the hallelujahs Dion remembered. Remembered the fumbling and the giggling, the way she gasped as he broke through, and the way her legs drew him in while her nails scraped his back. Remembered being inside her as she held him and it was like they were one person and every word was yes. And staring at Zach he remembered him too, remembered their hot, desperate need, the taste of Zach's breath on his tongue as even through the pain they couldn't stop kissing, remembered every kiss they'd ever had. And he worried and wondered what secret had just made Zach look like he'd seen a ghost.
Zach plaintively plucked out the notes, taking his time before the final verse. He let the last note hang in the air then continued,
"Well maybe there is a God above
But all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya"
He strummed harder, increasing the volume as he pushed his voice to the breaking point, letting every word grip his throat,
"And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"
And as he sang the final hallelujahs Zach thought of that perfect twilight he'd paused for days, of that first kiss he had with Dion, of that golden sunset he'd watched with Sean, of every beautiful moment he'd ever had with his friends and lovers, and of how they had all passed and gone. On the last he held the "loo" as long as he could, his fingers dancing along the strings, till he'd spent every last breath and finally the "jah" was nearly silent and he let the sound of the guitar fade away.
Zach had been in his own world as he sang, and when he came back to reality he felt immensely exposed. Chris, Dion, and Sean's stares and open mouthed silence didn't help.
"Whelp," Zach said awkwardly as he passed the guitar back to Chris, "Hope that saved me from a paddling."
"Bro," Chris said taking the guitar and setting it down next to him, "You bitch and moan bout not wanting to sing, then it's like a fucking angel came down and possessed you."
Zach blushed fiercely and looked down at his feet as he took a swig of water, "I just love that song."
"No, I just love that song, you just made sweet, sweaty love to it for 5 minutes," Chris said.
"Seriously, Zach, you have a really beautiful voice," Sean said softly.
"Thanks, bud," Zach said, smiling bashfully across the dying fire at his friend. Then he turned to Dion who was still quiet and staring at him to his right. Zach extended his leg and gently kicked Dion's shin, "Stop starin' at me like that."
But he didn't. Dion stood up, walked in front of Zach, and pushed him against the back of his chair. Then Dion straddled Zach's waist, took his face in both of his hands, and kissed him. Gently at first, their lips dancing together in perfect sync, but soon Dion's tongue was in his mouth and they were making out.
This time Chris didn't interrupt, and Sean watched partly turned on partly jealous. Eventually Dion pulled back from the kiss to look deep into Zach's eyes and said "You are fucking incredible."
"I'm just fucking lucky," Zach grinned, pressing his boner against Dion's ass as he couldn't take his eyes off Dion's face. He was just too handsome.
Then suddenly Zach gave a full mouthed yawn. It'd been a long day and a longer night and it was starting to catch up with all of them. Dion caught his yawn and laughed as he gave Zach a final kiss and hopped off him.
"We're in the home stretch now," Chris said, "Little less than 3 hours till sunrise. Time for an energy boost."
They went back inside and stood around the kitchen island while Chris grabbed a small bag full of tiny blue pills.
"As discussed," Chris said as he started crushing the pills with the handle of a chefs knife, "There's no fucking coke to be found, so we're settling for adderall. Should be enough here to keep us going, but not too much to keep us from passing out once we're done for the night."
Chris lined the powdered pills in small lines along the countertop and rolled up a $20 bill.
"We're fucking snorting it? Seems a bit intense," Zach said, stifling another yawn.
"Now don't be a baby," Chris said, "this is like under a day's worth of a prescription for each of us." Then he put the bill to his nose and sniffed up a line in one go. He clapped his hands and bounced a little bit before handing the bill to Zach, "It just makes it come on faster, and it'll wear off faster too."
They took turns snorting the adderall and by the time it was finished nobody was yawning. Zach had never had it before and was amazed at the energy it gave him, he felt like he was ready for another 5 mile hike. Not that he'd actually be able to hike, he was still drunk and stoned enough that even with all the energy in the world he couldn't walk straight. And not that that stopped Zach from having another beer with the rest of the guys.
Dion and Chris started to have a long "remember when" conversation, and they slowly disengaged from their littles and sat at the kitchen table as they talked and reminisced. Zach and Sean made eye contact and Sean subtly picked up the pack of cigarettes from the counter and jerked his head towards the door and they quietly left the house together.
When they were back outside Sean handed Zach a cigarette then lit it for him.
"You know I really do fucking love that piercing," Zach said as Sean lit his own smoke, "I feel like it changes your whole look."
"My look needed changing huh?" Sean grinned at Zach as he took a puff.
