To Have a Sweetheart - David Ch. 06

I was stunned how easy Luke made driving for me. In just three-four weeks I felt confident enough to take the driving test and passed on the first try. Like, how had it seemed so hard all those years ago? Was I that ill prepared or was my instructor that bad? Enh, at least it was done and I was quite a bit ahead on all the courses and things I had to do for the restaurant opening.

With three concerts weekly, spending twenty hours a week in online lectures and classes and working another twenty-thirty hours on the restaurant set up, I was surprisingly not too overworked. Sure I was tired and saw Luke a little too less for my liking, but it was all going quite... okay?

I'd been seeing Luke mostly in bed asleep or at my concerts, which he seemed to take quite a lot interest in, but we hadn't had our time for almost months. I noticed him having used my toys quite a few times, not that I'd be judging him for masturbating or anything, but it did make me wonder if he missed me in that way. At least he'd been making some friends, working out with Vance and his friends from the police a few times a week, hanging out with a few of his colleagues a few nights a week and such.

Usually when I got home from the restaurant or late concerts, he was already dead asleep. Though, it was really cute how he always roused a little, kissed me and drifted back to sleep like he hadn't roused in the first place. It was the favourite part of my day. It just made me feel like I was never alone.

The week of his birthday, things got really interesting. One night when I got home from work, late as usual, I was surprised to see him still awake. But it wasn't a nice surprise. He'd been to the gym that day with Vance and the guys and it'd turned out that Vance had told everyone that Luke was dating Lisas niece. Yes, as in female.

At first Luke thought it'd been an honest mistake or some misunderstanding, but Vance looked him straight in the eye and confirmed it. Luke just snapped and hit him. The guys got between them, asking Luke what was wrong with him, to which, with a stern face, he replied "Him telling people my boyfriend's a girl!" Things had gotten really silent after that and he took that as cue to leave.

I really had no words. Vance himself invited him and, like, three times before Luke had agreed. It all really upset Luke. I could see why too, it was his first real homophobic moment. Until then everyone'd been really chill with him being gay. At least face to face.

Lisa found out quite quickly too and well... she was not pleased to say the least. She took a room at a hotel for a week, her gracious way of letting Vance pack his things and find a place of his own, and yeah... they didn't really break things off, but it wasn't far off. Lisa admitted that she still loved him, but the incident was just too strongly against her core values.

I got Luke a real nice sports watch for his birthday. It had every function from decathlon tracking to stress monitoring. It was probably one of the most rugged watches in the store. I mean I really went out of my way to get him a real tough looking and functioning watch. And you know what he did? Not even a week passed before I saw that he'd changed the strap for a pride one.

I wasn't really against him wearing pride or anything... it was just... rainbows on a grown man, really? Couldn't we have something more... I don't know... manly for men? No judgement against more feminine men here, but god hell, a rainbow... even the bi-pride was tons better.

Thank lord I noticed it when I crawled next to his sleeping body, I don't think I could have kept the judgement out of my eyes, but who was I to say what he should or shouldn't wear. And I did suspect a part of it had to do with his recent situation with Vance, so I didn't say a word about it.

Our schedules and friends schedules had made it so that we could get together and celebrate a week after his birthday. It was just Nancy, Charles and William at our place, just drinking champagne and catching up.

Interestingly enough, the chat bubbles formed as Nancy and Luke, and me, Charles and William. I could tell that I wasn't Charles's favourite person, but as William had grown to like me, then he tagged along dutifully. And well, Nancy and Luke were talking about plants. Easy to understand how my chat with William about music and cocktails must have been more interesting.

I've always loved topic jumps. As in when something reminds you of something, you start talking about something so completely different, but connected by that one detail that clues everything together so well. That was what happened when we started talking about blue blazers, a flaming drink Kath and I were intending to put on the menu.

It reminded them of a little out of hand party they had at their house a few years back. They'd tried to find every armed forces related drink they could and made it a theme party. Army men doing an army themed party, original huh? But they'd planned it all over the top. Everything was to be exaggerated, but strictly only for fun purposes.

With everything over the top, a guy who was assigned to be a... whoever, I wasn't really listening to details as much. Anyway, like the guy who goes and does room checks and such, like you see in movies. Apparently not a real thing, but happens on rare occasions when there is a belief that someone has something they shouldn't have in their rooms.

There was no doubt at all that it was meant as an honest joke. Even they didn't realise the most obvious problem at first, which was obviously that their bedroom was the only place where their relationship existed. Cute couples pictures on walls, the usual adult bedroom stuff and such. Hence why guests were never allowed upstairs.

As Charles was talking how they both together realised that the guy was actually going to check their bedroom, like their-their bedroom, panic hit. Charles started to describe very dramatically how he just most literally jumped up and ran after him, stopping behind me as he told that and continued to say how he catched him in the middle of the stairs. As he said he grabbed him by the neck and just as I realised that he was going to show the move on me, his arm was around my neck before I could say anything, taking me into a choke hold, I just blacked out.

I saw my worst nightmare as if it was real. I felt the pain and even worse, such pure helplessness to do anything about it. All the feelings I'd tried so hard to vanquish for years, were back right there and then. As real as ever.

When I came back to, I was on the balcony, tight in Luke's embrace. I wasn't even shivering from the cold, but just purely shaking out of fear as Luke murmured that he's got me into my ear over and over. I knew that choking me, or even pretending to, was the easiest way to make me black out, but damn...

I didn't even move for quite a while. I was just so shocked how real it had felt. Not once had I blacked out like that, not once. And now, in my own god damned home.

"Fucking hell..." I finally groaned as I calmed down a little.

"Oh god, you're back." Luke sighed in relief.

"Yeah, damn," I sighed and wrapped my arms around his body, my own body finally starting to register the freezing temperatures that were surrounding us.

Calming another few moments, I felt embarrassed. And annoyed. Mostly annoyed. Actually, I didn't even feel embarrassed, but rather just disturbed that it all happened in front of my friends.

"What happened?" I finally asked.

"I just heard William yell at Charles to let you go, looked to the kitchen, saw Charles holding you in a choke hold and you... you just looked so petrified. Got you away and brought you here."

"Okay... okay." I sighed. It could have been worse. A lot worse. I could have wept or wet my pants. This was actually quite fine. I still felt fairly shaky, but that made it a fair bit better. I mean, that could have been hell of a lot worse.

"How are you? Shall I ask them to leave? I should ask them to leave." Luke asked, sounding so unnerved, that it seemed the situation affected him even worse than me.

"No-no. I don't want to make a deal out of this." I said calmly. Most of all, I didn't want him making a deal out of it. Hugging him tighter in an attempt to try and calm him down, I said, "Thank you, you really helped me through it."

"You looked so scared." he admitted worriedly.

"I was. I'm better now. I'm good." I said, untangled myself from him and asked "Would you go back inside? I really need a smoke after this."

For a moment I saw that judging look for smoking, but I guess that even he realised that this was not the time to talk about smoking. "What do I tell them?" he asked worriedly.

"Childhood trauma." I said, using the lie I'd used so many times it started to sound like the truth to even myself. Though, one could argue that the late teen years were essentially childhood.

"Just that?" he asked as if it wasn't enough.

"Just that." I confirmed sternly. It wasn't like it was any of their business. It was my business, just mine.

"Okay." he said and made his way to the door, but stopped as he grabbed the handle and asked "You sure you don't want 'em to leave?"

I sighed at his defensiveness. It was sweet. It was. I was glad to have someone caring for me like that, but how I hated it when it started to lurk into the lines of questioning my free will. "Luke, please, don't make a deal out of this." I pleaded.

He nodded slowly, and sighed heavily before he stepped back in.

"Ah, fuck!" I whined as soon as I was alone. Dropping down into a squat, I buried my face in my hands and took the largest breath I could manage.

"Fuck..." I cursed again. Really, really, I wanted to cocoon myself into my duvet and not deal with not even Jemma, but I refused and I mean refused to let that one night have any more control over my life than it already had. It was over. It was done. It had already taken too many days and nights from me. I was better than that! But why did I still feel like breaking down sobbing?!

I eased back on my bottom and searched for a cigarette out of my stash box I had on the balcony. As I lit it up, I really started to feel the cold. Why didn't I have any blankets on the balcony? Fucking, snow and rain.

I rubbed my head uncomfortably and wondered how Luke'd react if I smoked a joint? Definitely disapprove, but at the same time... I'd probably have a free pass for that one time. And as much as I did love him, I really couldn't make myself care about his feelings in my misery. It was a joint. It wasn't like I was hurtingh someone or something.

I left my half smoked cigarette on the ashtray to wait for it's time and got myself a pre-rolled joint, feeling tremendously glad that I once went through the effort to roll myself a great bunch ahead. Just as I puffed it to start burning properly, I flinched at the sound of the balcony door. William. I sighed, not even knowing if I was glad that it was him, not Luke. He looked at me for a moment before asking "Mind if I join you?"

"Not if you don't mind a little second-hand weed fumes." I muttered as I stared into nothingness in front of me.

"I'll manage." he said and sat down next to me, "Brought you a blanket."

"Thanks." I muttered and snuggled into it, instantly shivering in an attempt to create some warmth around me.

"Annoying things, these traumas, eh?" he piqued curiously.

"I don't think annoying really covers it." I sighed.

He hummed in agreement and we fell into silence, the only sounds around us our puffing and the streets below. As I hadn't had weed for a fair while, I felt the soft buzz grow in my body in just a few puffs and it did exactly what I needed it to, brought such a pleasant calmness. It felt all okay, just perfectly okay.

"Luke knows you smoke weed?" William piqued curiously.

"I'm guessing not yet." I sighed, again wondering how he'd take it.

"Hmph," he snickered lightly and said "Well you might even get away with it this one time."

I groaned heavily, reading the message from his tone too well, and complained "He's absolutely amazing and all, but lord do I miss not having to justify my actions sometimes."

"Ah, just... he really loves you, you know?" he said just so matter of factly as if it answered all my complaints and worries.

"Thanks." I said, not really knowing what else to say to that. Love, the ultimate reason to be a sweet and caring pain in the ass.

We smoked in silence and I offered to share the joint with him. Even as I'd rolled them quite light, I hadn't smoked weed in a long enough time that it felt more than plenty for me at the moment.

As we headed back in, we all settled on the couch, me curling up over Luke's lap, William snuggling up with Charles and Nancy groaning that we were mocking her. Will really put an effort into keeping the conversation flowing. I guessed he could sympathise with how I was feeling. Or at least with what I didn't want to be feeling, so we chatted a little, but the conversation kept fading out. Though it was getting late as well. Soon enough we said our goodbyes to everyone and were by ourselves.

Luke made it real-real clear that if I was to get high ever again, I was to do it away from him, even as the situation at hand qualified as a clear exception, then I still should have told him that I was going to smoke a joint, not just a cigarette.

Just the way he said it made me just dorkily smile at him, not even because I was high. When he finally asked what I was smiling about, for a moment I wondered if I shouldn't tell him, but in the end I really wanted for us to end up where Kate and John were, just minus the kink. Have all the power in the world over your partner, but just be a gentleman enough not to use it against them.

I really hoped me and Luke could be there one day, so I told him it was that he didn't make me feel afraid, not like the time we had a fight over my smoking. That I didn't feel like I had to sneak around just to please him. That I was glad that he was willing to adjust to even the things he clearly disliked.

He smiled as dorkily as I did and walked around to hug me gently, murmuring how happy he was that we kept trying to get better at us. After staying in each other's embrace for a while, he asked "So... the boxes of brownies labeled do not touch and definitely do not touch, are they...?"

I chuckled lightly and admitted "Yep, space brownies."

"Can we?" he asked and I pulled away from him, not believing my ears.

"You want to? You?" I asked in ultimate confusion.

"David," he groaned in disapproval, "I was afraid and worried. I'm still worried, but you won't talk about it. Now I know it's how you process and handle it, but I... I'm worried and since you won't talk me down, I don't know how to stop being worried." he admitted stressfully.

"You've got nothing to be worried about-"

"Don't tell me I got nothing to be worried about!" he cut me off angeredly.

I was baffled by his reaction. I couldn't remember him raising his voice at me like that. Minus the smoking fight, but even then he didn't really raise his voice, he just got real firm. I couldn't understand him, this wasn't some fight material and I couldn't understand how this suddenly had changed just into that in his head.

"This is not something to get mad at me for." I told him as firmly as I could manage.

"I ain't mad, I'm fucking scared David!" he said with his eyes pooling up.

I was absolutely baffled by him. The fuck did he have to-- "The fuck to you have to be scared of?!" I snapped at him.

The words weren't even out of my mouth before he grabbed me by the neck, his hands half ready to choke me, half ready to fondle me. It was a kind of furious love that scared me and assured me at the same time. His eyes were just so full of emotion as he hissed "I've seen men kill themselves after saying there's nothing to be worried about, so don't fucking tell me there's nothing to be worried about!"

I looked at him in awe and shock. I'd selfishly thought that he was just so ridiculously sweet for worrying about me like that, but it had never dawned on me that there could have been an underlying reason for him. So I swallowed hard, my pride and stubbornness going down real hard in my suddenly dry throat.

Then, as if he'd just suddenly realised how he was holding me, his hand snapped off of me as if he'd burned himself against my skin and started to apologize frantically. How that was uncalled for, how he shouldn't have held me like that. Really he apologised for everything and anything like a desperate man.

I tried to tell him that it was okay. It wasn't like there'd been any bad intentions behind his actions, but he wasn't listening. It was a good few minutes of me saying it was alright and him saying that it wasn't, before he ended up saying "No. In no circumstance should I have raised my hands at you like that and I'm sorry for that. Okay?"

"Okay." I sighed. He did have a point there.

"And I shouldn't guilt trip you with my own traumas. I'm sorry. Can we pretend I just didn't say that? Please? I just want that I hadn't said that." he sniffled as he buried his face into his hands.

"I can tell you." I muttered uneasily, seeing the pain he lived with. Feeling ashamed over how my actions could have affected him and how I hadn't seen it before.

"I don't want you to tell me anything you don't want to." he muttered dejectedly, wiping away the tears that pooled in his eyes.

"I guess it's not just about me anymore, is it?" I muttered back.

He started to say something, but I cut him off, saying "I'll heat up a few brownies, it'll take half an hour or so until they work anyway, don't know about you, but I think I'll need it after."

"David," he whined, "I didn't and I don't want to push you into this."

"Let's just do it." I said decisively and went to defrost brownies for us.

The unease in the room was evident, but a conversation like that ought to bring out unease anyway.

In my sudden impatience, I was glad that I liked my brownies frosty, never having understood how or why people graved hot brownies. They're so sticky and pointlessly gooey when they're hot. Cold, or even barely defrosted, were heaps better.

Settling down on the couch, I handed him his brownie and he commented that it tasted just like a regular brownie. I just chuckled and said that's exactly why they were labeled.

We ate the brownies in silence full of anxiety and Luke still sniffing away his recent whirlwind of emotions while I felt surprisingly emotionless. Neither really wanting to be there for the next conversation, which I hoped to be a monologue, and neither willing to postpone any longer.

And I told him.

Told him of the night I went to my first boyfriend's apartment. Trent. He was a few years older than me, so he had his own place. I knew he wasn't sober as soon as I got there, but he had seemed far from messed up. I'd known he had a habit of doing some bit harder than weed sort of drugs every now and then, but as he'd sworn off of anything that had to do with needles, I didn't see much of a problem. For me, it was a time when everyone seemed to be doing something. Stupid ol'me.

Long story short, it started out consensually, but it quickly turned around when he didn't care that he hurt me and I started to struggle. He pinned me down and when I didn't stay down, he bound and gagged me. Kept telling me how good it felt as I lied there helplessly and wept. And this is rather the soft description of it all.

Til the current day, I didn't know if it was because whatever he was on or if he just couldn't understand that it wasn't alright to hurt someone like that. And in the same way, I don't know what I'd have done if he hadn't unbound me after, if I'd had had to lay there in misery for the night, if I couldn't have gotten out of there right after.