All Comments on 'To Hear You Moan'

Wow! Amazing! Great POV! But it is too short, we need the narrative to continue!

The imagery is masterful, as is the descriptiveness. I thoroughly enjoyed this excerpt.

Thank you!

I think this is a very good first effort, and I really like that while the story involves control and surrender, it does not involve humiliation. Speaking as a former English teacher, I don't think you begin too many sentences with "I" given that you are writing in the first person. While you do occasionally splice independent clauses together with commas (i.e. use "run on sentences"), you can easily fix that problem by using a semicolon or by simply starting a new sentence. I would also suggest that you include more detail about what the characters are feeling (e.g. her arousal by being in control; his vulnerability and arousal by surrendering control; their mutual and increasing arousal by what is arousing the other) to increase the emotional impact. I suggest using more dialog between the characters to achieve this impact, particularly as that's really the only way to reveal the feelings of the male character (e.g. by having him articulate his his vulnerability and how that vulnerability arouses him). Please continue!

I've posted the full story now, I hope you like it.