To Ourselves

I don't know how long I stood there. Buzzed, I figured I was taking it all as more lustful than it really was. Maybe she intended playfulness. Maybe she was being sweet. Hell, maybe she was just indulging me.

I staggered back to my room.

...

4.

The next day, we were nice to each other, not much was said at first, but we both kept our distance. She worked, and then went for a run, and so did I. She ran on the road, and I tried on the beach.

I loved being at the water and the salty air, but I was pretty clumsy with the sand and I didn't get as much distance in. It still gave me plenty of time to think about last night.

To me, last night had seemed jarringly different with us. I wondered if I was wrong. Was there some vibe? Or was the drinking and the isolation warping me?

Yeah, me even wondering felt really fucking weird, but that just juiced it up for me. First, there had been the time after the breakup with Wendy when I didn't see anyone. Then, all this started with distancing. The only other outlet with women I had was online, and that usually resulted in porn.

But I could swear it wasn't just me. In the past, she'd always been sort of aloof. And, she'd been, well, stuffy. These last couple of weeks she hadn't been anything like that.

She was different down here, so why couldn't I be different down here?

All I was sure of was that I liked us hanging out together.

Around five o'clock, she had a call with my dad. It was a habit they had made to check in each day. I wasn't trying to listen in, but the cottage wasn't big, and she was in the kitchen and I was in the living room.

Her words were clipped with him.

"Yeah, I know."

His end of it I couldn't hear but it lasted a while.

"Yeah, whatever."

Her saying that turned my head in the direction of the kitchen. I couldn't see her, but I pictured her stern and arms folded. My dad must've been struck by it, too. I couldn't remember her being quite that way with him.

He must've tried to rally, because she responded by knocking down whatever he'd tried to suggest.

"No. Really, it's okay. You take care of things up there. I'm perfectly fine."

When they hung up, I walked over to the kitchen.

She forced a smile. "I'm going for a walk."

She didn't wait for any response. She turned and walked outside.

I watched as she walked straight from the back porch to the walkway that connected to the beach. She glided there, in that certain way she had. But I knew that, despite whatever front she wanted to put on it, she was dealing with some strong emotion.

Heading onto the beach, I went for a walk myself. My mind seemed flooded with her and the way the days blurred together. The question of school and work was setting in when my dad called me. I took the call as I finished my walk.

Dad didn't waste time on small talk. "Hey, what's with your mom?"

I winced a bit. "I don't know. Just working and staying busy from what I can tell."

Dad grunted, not liking my answer. "Well, I'm working, too. Try to make sure she understands that."

I wanted to say, Fucking tell her yourself. Leave me out of it.

Instead I let my muffled, flat tone convey it. "Yeah. Alright."

"Talk to you later." And he was off the phone. Not a single thought or question about how I was doing. Okay.

I decided I was going to be there for her. Something about how she was so damn determined pulled me to her side, where I wanted to help. Strangely, this also triggered some instinct in me. A part of me wanted to take care of her. She'd always been there for me.

I got back first, and plopped down on the steps of the walkway. The breeze invigorated me. This place calmed me while still stirring my mood.

Before much longer, she ambled back, her loose white tee whipped with some wind. Brown shorts flapped about her long, tapered legs. My attention caught at the definition in her calves, and a guilty thought wondered how much muscle mass she probably had. Yeah, I was losing it, I realized.

The wind tossed her hair about, and it sunk in she had let it grow longer than I remembered it. Her face looked down, careful with her steps. A faint smile remained at her lips probably from me being at the walkway.

In a smooth, easy sway, her hand braced to a handrail, and she lowered herself onto the walkway next to me. Her face poised kind of close, and her attention stayed at me a second. When we had both stared a moment, she smiled a little more. She leaned my way and hugged me to her side.

Again she had mystified me, as the very cuteness of it made my pulse quicken. Breaking from our hug, her face went out to watch the waves roll in. Her lavender scent remained.

I spoke up. "Well, that must have been a good walk."

She nodded. "Yeah. It was. I love it down here."

Searching for what to say, for something to say that might help, I decided to open-up to her.

"I gotta tell you something."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"Um, I mean, I don't want to sound like I'm kissing-up or anything... ."

She laughed. "Kissing-up?"

I softly laughed, too.

Her voice lowered. "Tell me whatever you like."

Yeah?

I drew a deep breath. "I keep thinking about how much... well, how much I... admire you. I do."

She flinched a little, looking my way but not directly. Like at an angle to see water, too.

"Well, thanks, Jake. That's so sweet." She put a hand on my knee. The rock on her wedding ring sparkled. Her red nails contrasted to my pale leg.

"And," this was where I wasn't sure of how to put it, but I was determined to open-up, "you really, uh, it's like you're getting into a more assured way about yourself. Getting into being a more carefree side of you."

She was taken with this. "Yeah? Thank you. I appreciate that, Jake."

Her arms wrapped my arm closest to her and held it tight. Her words came softly.

"You are being so sweet."

When she eased from my arm, her gaze went to the ocean as well. In a wistful voice, it was her turn to open up.

"Glad I seem that way to you, at least. I've been doing some thinking while we're down here, and I don't think everybody else is going to see me that way soon."

I churned a bit inside at her sharing this. "Um, Dad called while you were on your walk. He was worried about how you sounded with him."

She shrugged. "Okay."

I tried to help. "Hey, you guys have been together a long time. I'm sure you can work this out."

She shot a quick glance to me, and then stared back out.

"Oh Jake," she sounded like she was trying to be gentle, "I shouldn't go into this with you. It's not fair to you. I'll deal with your Dad."

"You can go into it if you want." I had no qualms about that, I realized now. "If it'll help, then I want you to."

Her eyes came around to mine and seemed to gauge me. She continued slowly, and like she might stop at any moment.

"Well, I really shouldn't." Her hands opened and closed in front of her, as she grappled with where she was. "But the essence of it is that we love each other, but we've grown apart. We just have."

I tightened at the plainness of that. I guess I had expected her to minimize it or something. Part of me deflated while another part of me again saw her way differently than before being down here. She never struck me before as even being capable of being apart from Dad. Now, it was like her mind was made up.

My hand reached over and held to her shoulder, and drew her under my arm close.

My face was close to hers as I tried to strike the most soothing tone I could.

"Everything's going to be fine. You're smart. You work hard. You're beautiful. You deserve to be happy."

She cuddled to me, and I was still looking forward when her hand steadied my cheek to peck it softly. Her face nestled on my shoulder, and we sat there quietly a good while.

Eventually, we made our way back to the house.

She flashed a lovely smile up at me as we walked along.

That night, she read just down from me on the couch, as I looked at my phone and read here and there at my end of the couch.

We had some small talk at the end of the night without saying anything more about our conversation on the walkway. I sensed she didn't want to go back to it that night, so I didn't.

We hugged briefly goodnight and went our separate ways.

...

5.

The next morning, she set out coffee for us both, and she was quick with hers before darting away for work.

Our brief exchange was about her projects for work, and she was inquisitive about my coursework.

"You staying on track with everything?" She asked.

"Yeah, absolutely."

Before she headed on to the dining room, she paused. "What about your writing?"

I chuckled some. "Uh, that's coming slowly. Mostly notes here and there."

Her face tensed. "C'mon Jake, gotta keep trying, you know?"

I'm sure I must have gotten a goofy grin as I answered candidly.

"Well, you are helping. I'll say that."

This stopped her in her tracks. She shook her head. "I am?"

I smiled back.

Stepping just about out of the kitchen, she asked with a squinted look. "How am I helping?

I rolled my shoulders and went about clearing my plate away.

For lunch that day, I had finished wolfing down a sandwich when she came in to get something. As I left to get back to my work, she went back to her question from breakfast.

"How am I helping with your writing?"

"You just are," I said as I left.

Already out of the kitchen, but still able to hear, I got her uncertain reply.

"Glad I'm helping."

The rest of the afternoon shot past until I had gotten what I could done. Breaks to run and surf some porn greatly helped, but I was still restless. It seemed to get more intense each day down here.

This restless combined with this closeness I felt with her, and it made me lose some bearing. It was like we had kept to ourselves so long that I didn't have to worry. I think she liked how things were going.

Deep down, I toyed with the notion of pushing the boundaries between us. I wanted to badly.

Just as dusk set in, I made my way out to the walkway, knowing full well this was ridiculous. Something I had no business trying. But I'd thought about it all day. I might humiliate myself, still I was going to try.

The air was cool. Breezy. I absorbed the salt air, and eased down onto the top step.

She'd gone for her walk almost a half hour ago, and she seldom took longer than that for her walks. I was the same way.

On the one hand, it was a glorious evening, and I was at the beach. On the other, I must have been losing my mind because I was willing to come on to her. My head told me I was nuts, but my core said to charge ahead now.

As my mind swept over some of the moments we'd had, she came walking up. My eyes went straight to hers, and hers didn't move from mine. A sly smile started at her lips, and suddenly I felt like I could breathe.

I spoke up. "Gorgeous tonight, isn't it?"

"Yes. It certainly is."

She veered to my side, like she was going to squeeze in beside me. Helping, I actually stood, took her by the hand, and turned her to face the water. Then, I guided her down to sit on the step right below where I was sitting.

As she settled in, I brought my face close to hers at her side. I could see her mouth was open and her eyes were wide. Good.

Situated between my legs, her long frame was right in front of me. I let my hands drape at her sides. They traced the top of her legs, propped as they were onto the step.

"You have a good walk?"

Still looking out at the tide, her voice came back a little husky. "Yeah, I did."

My hands went from the tops of her legs to rest on her shoulders, and I thought I felt her sway slightly.

She piped up. "You getting your coursework taken care of?"

I don't know why, but that struck me as humorous and I chuckled. "Yeah, I am."

Her face lifted a bit, as if determined to be undaunted.

I turned the question back to her. "How's work going? Everything alright?"

There was a sigh at first. "Yeah. I'm kind of anxious about some of the orders. You know, with everything going on."

"I'm sure it'll be fine. You're working with some good people, right?"

There was a slight pause from her.

"You know, you're right. I am." She tilted in place to glance back at me. "Thank you for that."

"Hey, absolutely." I loved the feeling of having helped.

She turned back to the direction of the ocean and decompressed some.

My hands at her shoulders pressed to grip and rub about. It took several passes to get her muscles to loosen. I liked her relaxing.

The wind eased about us, and some of her thick hair flicked at my face. It had some rich smell I couldn't possibly name. For about the thousandth time I asked myself who this woman really was.

A low purr from her enlivened my interest.

"Am I really helping with your writing?"

My hands dug harder into her shoulders and also worked her back. Her body pushed back at me as I answered her in the same low pitch she gave.

"More and more."

This got a soft laugh from her. "You're going to have to tell me how."

"I will."

My hands still worked at her shoulders when another question came from her. One I didn't expect.

"Have you heard from Wendy?"

I ignored the pang at hearing my ex's name. "No. Not at all."

"Maybe you should call her."

"That's definitely over. I'm sure she's fine."

My tugs across her back went from just beneath her neck out to the points where her shoulders joined her arms. I wasn't sure, but it sure seemed her torso drifted closer into me.

Her tone lowered again. "I should make you stop that."

"Nah. Why do that?"

"You'll spoil me."

Part of me worried at how I was sounding, but I said it anyway. "Good. I want to."

It was her turn to laugh gently, and it was really soft.

A couple of moments passed. I squeezed at her shoulders, my thumbs putting some pressure into her back solidly. Her back arched, and when it did, her chest lifted and pointed up and out at the water. The pose sent blood hurtling into my cock. I loved the excitement of how wildly wrong this was, and also hated myself for loving it.

That husky tone came from her again. "Hey, maybe this all just doesn't seem real."

"You think?"

My hands lowered. Just under her shoulder blades, they grasped to the sides of her back. Another press once or twice, and then spreading my hands around, I kept them tight to her. I didn't stop at her sides, but ran my hands to her front. They were squarely under her chest, and her whole torso stretched up as she moaned.

"Oh Jake."

Her body settled back into my hands, but her own hands shot to seize at mine.

She blurted. "Careful."

She was right. My hands were high enough for my thumbs to feel the elastic at the bottom of her bra. Her breathing was heavy.

My hands began a circling of her stomach, but it didn't last. She moved them. Off her vulnerable stomach.

I embraced her back to me. Expecting her to stop me, she didn't. Her hair flew in my face, and that luxurious scent whipped again. Her hands held to my arms, and she settled back against me. Thank goodness my hips were planted back so she didn't feel my hardness.

She mumbled through a grin. "This feels good."

But as easily as she had relaxed to me, the next moment she leaned backed up and away from me. My hands fell to her arms again. I didn't have any idea what to say to her.

Her hair tossed wildly in some wind, and she didn't make any effort to contain it. Her face tilted straight up as she soaked up the early evening dusk.

When she faced straight to the sea again, there was another question. "I think you miss Wendy."

Instantly, I answered. "No. Not in the least."

She didn't look back at me, but I could tell she smiled. "No?"

"I'm not even thinking of her. You're thinking of her more than I am."

She peered to her hands in front of her, and they flexed open. Her palms faced away, and it gave a clear view of her red-nailed fingers and that rock on her left hand. Her look lingered a couple of seconds before it returned to the water.

I took my hands to her neck once more. Kneading and descending, I took advantage of the separation between us to really dig into her back and shoulders again. I expected her to stop me this time.

She leaned right back into me. Her pressure back at me emboldened me. My blood raced inside.

I worked the tops of her shoulders and then went over them. Keeping firmly against her, I drew circles over her upper chest. The motion moved her blouse about. Her breasts jostled in her bra. Her head bent lower to one side. Like she was ready to speak to me sitting behind her.

I couldn't resist. The top button of her blouse was open. My fingers found the second button and started to undo it. Her hands stopped me.

Her response was quick but muted. "Jake."

"C'mon. It's alright."

"You know better than that."

"No, I don't."

She got up and smirked at me.

Her hand went to help me up.

She shook her head and led me back to the house.

Back in the house, things were quiet.

I hung around in the kitchen, while she went on into the living room.

I opened the fridge. "Can I get you a drink?"

From the living room, her words were faint.

"I think I'm just going to go on to bed, and read."

I closed the fridge at once and got to the living room.

She was already at the hallway. I looked to her, concerned.

"Is everything alright?" I asked.

She gave a gentle smile and slowly nodded. "Yes."

Gradually, she turned from me to go to her room. Pensive.

"Goodnight." She said.

I followed into the hall as she reached the doorway to her bedroom. She stopped there and looked back at me. She said nothing. But clearly she waited on me to speak.

I didn't know what to say. It took a second for me to realize I was just standing there, staring at her with my mouth open.

Yet again came her kind smile.

I wanted to do something. I walked right up to her. My hands went to her arms. She looked up at me.

Suddenly I felt so foolish. She probably didn't know what to make of me. Of how I was being so forward with her. Was that it?

I went close and hugged her. Thankfully she hugged me back. And in the slightest of moves, she did something that rocked me.

Embraced together, her hand raised behind me and went to the back of my neck. It was a simple gesture. A light touch. But something about it charged me like I had never been before.

We were alone there in that small house. We'd been that way for so long now. I felt so damn close to her and drawn to her.

I moved my face to get it to hers. Her eyes met mine, and then they focused on my mouth as it eased towards hers.

I closed the distance, certain she would evade me. At the last moment, she closed her eyes. I did, too.

Our lips touching was probably the softest touch I'd ever felt and the only kiss that had ever made me lightheaded.

It was brief, certain, and when I tried to press, she stopped it.

"Goodnight, darling." Her smile was wider and sweeter this time.

She turned from me and stepped on into the bedroom, and when I moved like I might follow her. She stopped, looked to me, and shook her head.

Another quick smile, and she closed the door.

...

6.

The next morning, she was the first thing that popped into my mind. Well, her and the distinct smell of eggs and sausage from the kitchen. I couldn't remember the last time I had smelled that.

Quickly I pulled on a t-shirt and some shorts, and got in there. Sure enough, she was at the stove.