Tomorrow is Promised Pt. 03

Both girls had been starters on their swim teams this past school year. They both loved swimming and cut through the water as gracefully as dolphins. The girls were competitive, so Emily strove to beat any record time Amy set and vice versa. Emily has bettered all of Amy's time at Manhattan Beach Middle School except for the butterfly. She was training even harder in the butterfly this coming season because she would have to try harder to beat Amy's records in high school. Amy said she didn't care because Emily would never top her times in high school. Now that they were on the same team, going head-to-head, they would push each other to do their best. I had high hopes for the swim team to win championships before they both graduated.

By the time the waitress brought out our food, we were hungry and dug into our meals. We laughed as we shared our food, spearing bits off each other's plates. When we were finished with our entrees and waiting to order dessert, the girls pulled out their presents for me, and Emily and I pulled out our gifts for Amy.

I received a beautiful necklace from Amy and a lovely bangle bracelet from Emily. Amy got a Movado watch from me and a beautiful beaded cuff bracelet from Emily. I recognized the jewelry as having been made by Becky, who, along with Becky's partner Cindy, had a booth on the Manhattan Beach pier. It has been our favorite place to buy jewelry ever since we came across them one Saturday morning while strolling along the pier.

When our desserts were brought to us, we had to taste each other's pie. I didn't think I'd ever been disappointed by any pies I've eaten here. Once we were done with dessert, I paid the bill. We left, returned to the beach, and strolled along the Strand to work off our meals. We really enjoyed ourselves and didn't once have a sad moment thinking about Jon and his absence today.

September 1993

Bob finally got the performance award I had put him in for when he stepped in and covered for me while I was on grievance leave. Steve had a little ceremony at the start of the staff meeting and presented Bob with the check for $10K and a plaque. Bob was so happy to get the recognition. I hugged him and thanked him for doing such a great job.

The requirements definition phase for the e-PUT upgrade was done, all thanks to Bob's hard efforts. The upgrade was going to be in three builds. The first build would update the backbone to put in the hooks to incorporate views into the tool. This build would not add any new functionality, just put the hooks in for the new feature. That way, we could do extensive testing to ensure none of the existing functionality was affected before introducing any new functionality. If Bob kept this up, I would have to write him up for another performance bonus. Not that I would mind doing it. If this upgrade goes off without any issues, I could get a performance bonus, too.

November 1993

I couldn't believe I said yes to this, although I had no one to blame except myself. If I hadn't kept myself so busy with work, I'd have set up my own dates. Mary, my friend from church, had set me up on a date with her friend, Tim. He, too, was a member of our church. I had seen him around at some of the social events at the church. I knew she meant well and was only trying to help me. I hadn't seen a lot of Tim at social events lately, not since he had lost his wife to breast cancer last year. At least we would have something in common: losing a spouse.

The girls were so excited when they found out that I was going to go out with Tim. They spent a lot of time advising me on dressing and acting, acting like I had never been on a date before. I had, but it had been over seventeen years since my last date. Before Tim picked me up, the girls fussed over my outfit, ensuring I looked cool. I wore a lovely blue sleeveless flounce dress that emphasized my figure. I wore matching heels because they made my legs and ass look good. Jon had always encouraged me to wear heels because he loved watching my ass when I walked in front of him. I was planning to take a pair of walking shoes in the event we went somewhere after dinner.

Tim was a good-looking guy, fit but not muscular. He was three years older than me but didn't appear his age. Tim obviously worked out and spent time in the sun. He had blond hair, blue eyes, and a firm chin with a cute little dimple.

When Tim came to pick me up, I met him at the door, accompanied by my two daughters. I introduced him to them, and they exchanged pleasantries before we left. I know both girls were going gaga over his beach boy looks. Tim opened the car door and helped me in like a perfect gentleman.

We chatted while heading for dinner at Tony Roma's in Redondo Beach. He was a great conversationalist, and we discussed all sorts of things, including current events. Tim told me that he had enjoyed meeting the girls. He told me about his son, George, a Mira Costa High School senior. He was obviously proud of his son in the same way I was about my daughters.

I really enjoyed dinner with Tim. We chatted as if we had been friends for a long time. Afterward, we drove over to the Hermosa Beach pier and strolled along The Strand. It was a beautiful evening. We walked along the path, enjoying the view as bicyclists, skaters, and runners dodged around us.

As nice a person as Tim was, I didn't feel a spark. I'm pretty sure Tim didn't feel it, either. When he pulled up in front of my house, I turned to say that I didn't think I'd want to see him again, but he beat me to it.

"Judy," he said, "I don't want this to sound like you're a bad person because you're not, but I don't think we," he motioned to himself and then to me with his hand, "clicked. I enjoyed your company and think we'd be great friends, but I didn't feel a spark."

I touched his hand and said, "Tim, I didn't feel it either. I enjoyed the evening. You're easy to talk to, but you're right; I don't think we work. I'd be glad to be your friend, but it would never be more than that."

With that, I got out of the car and watched Tim drive away. With a sigh of relief/frustration, I headed into the house, steeling myself for the interrogation about the date I was sure to get from the girls.

I lay in bed that night, thinking about Jon and how much I missed him. I didn't like sleeping alone. I wanted someone with me to hold me and cherish me. I was sexually frustrated too. Yes, I have masturbated while thinking about Jon, but it was a poor substitute for an orgasm given to you by someone you loved and loved you in return.

***

Amy, Emily, and I went to my parent's home for Thanksgiving. While my place has more room, having Thanksgiving dinner at my parent's house was a tradition. My sister Joan, her husband Tom, and their two boys, Andrew and James, also visited, staying at our parent's place. My brothers and their families would be missing this year, so it wasn't the usual madhouse at dinnertime.

I was so glad to see Joan and her family. Andrew and James were wonderful boys who got along fabulously with the girls. Tom was a really nice guy. I appreciated how he loved my sister and doted on her. Joan and I had been so close growing up. We were only fifteen months apart in age and had shared a bedroom until I went off to Tech. Joan had been there for me in the days right after Jon's death. I had spent a lot of time in her arms, crying my eyes out.

As though we hadn't kept in constant touch by phone since the last time we saw each other after the funeral, we spent hours catching up, talking late into the night. Whenever I started to tear up, she would lean in and hug me, reassuring me I would be okay. She promised me that I would find someone else to love. She would accept whoever it turned out to be. I really felt better by the time she and her family left to go back home.

Since my mother had no concept of cooking only enough food for everyone to stuff themselves silly, we had a thirty-pound turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. Along with all of the other dishes she had made, we had enough food for twenty people. So, of course, we still tried to eat it all with just the nine of us. Dad carved the turkey before leading us in prayer. We then attempted to put a dent in all of the food.

Despite our best efforts, a lot of food was still left over from our meal. I knew a lot of it would be coming home with me, and we'd be eating leftovers for a week. I didn't mind since Mom's leftovers were better than many people's freshly cooked food.

December 1993

We had started decorating the house for Christmas. As long as I've lived here, I still think it was weird to be decorating for Christmas when it was sunny and 72 degrees outside. I was so used to snow on the ground before Christmas growing up. The girls don't think anything of it since they'd never lived in a cold-weather area, born and raised in the Atlanta, GA area before we moved out here when they were still young. We spent the morning pulling out the Christmas decorations to start decorating. By lunchtime, we had them all out and had even started putting some up. I decided a reward for our hard work was deserved. Amy, Emily, and I went to eat lunch at a restaurant that Megan had pointed me to three years ago and really liked. It was Jack's Salad Bar and Grill, and they had a wide selection of salads on their menu.

The girls were excited about going. They both loved salads as I did and enjoyed coming here. A nice-looking girl only a few years older than my daughters led us to our table. Once seated, our waitress approached our table, handed us our menus, and asked what we wanted to drink. The girls asked for unsweetened iced tea, and I asked for an iced coffee. We spent the next ten minutes pouring over the menu, oohing over the vast selection of salads. I ended up ordering a Steakhouse Wedge salad with bleu cheese dressing. Amy got the Strawberry Pecan Salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing, and Emily ordered a Chef salad with ranch dressing. Amy and I both looked at Emily and said, "Boring," simultaneously, causing her to laugh.

While waiting for our salads, we planned our afternoon. We decided to go to the movies to see "Wayne's World 2," which came out last week. We loved the original "Wayne's World" with Mike Myers and Dana Carvey. The new movie had Christopher Walken in it, one of my favorite actors. Like Leslie Nielsen, he was as comfortable playing the role of a heavy as he was a comedy role. After seeing the movie, we would visit with my parents for a while and then head home and decorate some more.

Just as we got our salads, my eyes were drawn to a party being seated next to the window. There was a woman about my age with honey-blonde hair in a low ponytail and two boys that I assumed were her sons. When they sat down at their table, the woman was facing me. I couldn't help but notice that she had the most beautiful sapphire blue eyes.

I forgot about her as we dug into our salads. Of course, we each had to sample each other's salad, eliciting giggles from the girls and laughs from me as we each tried distracting the other to snag a sample bite. Our waitress stopped by several times to make sure everything was okay and to recharge our drinks. We had a fun time, and I was glad the girls could laugh instead of thinking about how much they missed their father.

Just as we were finishing up, I looked up and over to the table with the woman and two boys just as she looked up towards my table. Our gazes locked, and at that moment, my heart clenched as I stared into those sapphire-blue pools. I instinctively broke away from that gaze, feeling like I was falling into an abyss. I kept my eyes away from her the rest of the time we were there, wondering why I had felt the way I did. My guts were churning, and the feelings I experienced suddenly made me think about Megan and my fantasies about her. After paying our check and leaving a generous tip, we left the restaurant and headed to the theater.

We got to the theater in time to catch the matinee. We sat near the middle of the middle row of seats and thoroughly enjoyed the movie. Amy laughed so hard that she started snorting, making Emily and I laugh even harder. By the time the movie ended, we were all complaining about how we had laughed so hard our ribs ached.

The girls and I were in a state by the time we got to my parent's house. As I looked at the happy looks on their faces, I was glad that they were not letting their father's death spoil their enjoyment. I raised a quick prayer to God, thanking Him for my beautiful girls.

We had a great time at my parent's place. The girls described what had happened in the movie while Mom and Dad looked on with bemused looks. I was sure they didn't really understand the humor as much as the girls, being from different generations. Sometimes I jumped in and explained it in terms of my generation, which made it easier for them to relate.

We returned home and ate a light dinner before resuming our decorating efforts. We spent hours decorating the house for Christmas. Sometimes, something would remind us of their father, and we would hug each other while the tears flowed. I would just hold them and tell them how much I loved them and that their father also loved them. They would eventually cheer up and then would carry on as though nothing had happened. God, I wished I could get over it as quickly as they did.

That night, while I lay in bed, I thought back to the moment my gaze had locked with the woman in Jack's and the sudden flurry of emotions I had experienced. As I fell asleep, all I could think about were those sapphire-blue eyes.

***

My first Christmas without Jon was something I had been dreading for weeks. Thank God for my family. The girls went all out, trying to bring Christmas cheer into our home. They involved me in various activities at the church, at their schools, and at home. They were both involved in the Christmas play that their school put on, so I got to see their play. The girls also volunteered all of us to help decorate the church. We spent the Saturday before Christmas helping Father Peterson arrange the flowers that were placed all over the vestibule, nave, and sanctuary. We always had tons of flowers since Father Peterson remarked that he loved them and how they symbolized Christianity and the Church. This caused parishioners to compete in how many flowers they could supply for Christmas Mass. Some years, there were so many flowers that it was difficult to maneuver around the sanctuary during the Mass.

We would have Christmas Eve dinner at my place before we all went off for Midnight mass at American Martyrs Catholic Church. We had a traditional Italian meal consisting of several kinds of seafood. This year we would have Insalata di polpo (octopus salad), stuffed calamari in tomato sauce, deep-fried scallops, and linguine with anchovies. Preparing dinner would be an all-day job, even though I had already prepared the Insalata di polpo yesterday with the girls' help. While we worked side-by-side in the kitchen, and thinking back to my failed dating attempt last month, I asked, "Mom, if something were to happen to Dad, would you even consider finding someone new to love?"

Mom stopped, looked at me, and said, "To be honest, sweetie, I don't think so. We've been together for over forty years. I couldn't possibly conceive of finding someone else to take his place. Why do you ask?"

"Well," I said, "everyone seems to assume I need to find someone else right away to take Jon's place. My friends are always trying to hook me up with someone. I didn't know right away that Jon was the one for me. We dated for almost a year before I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. With my two daughters in the mix, it will only make it even harder to find someone who wants me and accept my daughters as part of the package."

"I know, dear," Mom said. "If I had lost Joe when I was your age, I'd want to wait to find someone who'd accept you kids and me."

"I don't want to go the rest of my life alone," I said, tearing up, "but how am I going to find someone to replace Jon?"

Mom stopped chopping, put an arm around me, and pulled me in for a side hug. "There, there, angel. You'll find somebody eventually. You're too good of a catch to go too long without finding someone."

Once I got back under control, I said, "I know I would eventually like to find someone to love. I just can't get over feeling like I'd be cheating on Jon if I do manage to find someone."

Mom returned to chopping before replying, "I know it'll feel like that now, but you only promised 'until death do you part,' not forever. Nobody expects you to continue remaining faithful to Jon."

"I know," I said, "I just don't think I need to find someone else to love right away. I have my daughters to raise, and I wouldn't want to bring in someone new who may not fit and upset our dynamic."

My mom looked me in the eye and said, "Just know that your father and I will accept anyone you choose to fall in love with, as long as the girls aren't hurt."

"Thanks, Mom," I said as I side-hugged her. "If I do make a mistake, I expect you to say something. The girls must come first and foremost."

Finally, dinner preparation was complete, and we sat down for dinner. Dad led the prayer, "Bless us, O Lord! and these Thy gifts, which we are about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord. Amen."

We all crossed ourselves before digging in. We all enjoyed dinner since we didn't typically eat these dishes during the year. My favorite was the stuffed calamari in tomato sauce. My mom had made that and had tried to teach me how to make it, but I could never get it to taste as good as she did. I secretly think she was holding out on the combination of spices she used for the dish.

When we got to the church, I lit a candle for Jon, sending up a prayer to God to look over him and reassure him that Amy, Emily, and I still loved him. We found seats in the nave, and as I waited for Mass to begin, I crossed myself and prayed to God for guidance. I prayed for someone who would love my daughters and me. As I finished praying, thanking Him for everything in my life, I felt a peace come over me, as though God was telling me that He was on the job and would provide in time.

Once Mass was over, I was ready to go home and then to bed. As we left, I hugged Mom and Dad and wished them a Merry Christmas before we separated and headed to our respective homes. The girls were dozing off when I got home, so convincing them to go to bed wasn't hard. Once they were tucked in, I pulled out the presents and put them under the tree. With that done, I got ready for bed, hoping I'd sleep well. The bed just felt so empty, sleeping alone. I vowed to find someone, not to replace Jon, because I didn't think it would be possible, but to love and cherish until Jon and I were reunited in death. As I fell asleep, I wondered how I would explain to that person that I planned to be buried next to Jon when I died, even if I spent the next fifty years with that person.

Christmas morning dawned, and presents were unwrapped. Amy only got one gift from me, and she already knew what it was. On her 16th birthday, I promised to get her a car once she got her license. So when I handed Amy the small box, she grinned so broadly that I thought her face would split in half. Amy tore it open and pulled out the keys. She squealed and jumped on me, giving me a big hug.