Too Sweet Pt. 03

"She, um, she really resented me. Told me I tricked her. That I trapped her. That I used crazy sex to lure her in and then just cut it off.

"It wasn't the first time I heard that, but it was the first time I couldn't bounce back. Usually, I had my really low week or two and then I drank until I could reset and I'd be, you know, me again.

"I tried, but it wasn't enough. I was never good enough. I went cold turkey off the meds and I felt so awful that I followed it with, um, well it was a lot. And she left. I mean, she should have. I was, um, I was bad at the end. Really bad.

"I'm so scared, Teddy. I don't want to do that to you. Please, I just, um, go on and leave now. I can't hurt you like I hurt her."

I waited for Teddy to take the chance and leave.

"Jesus, Kit," Teddy muttered. "You weren't the bad guy in that situation."

"No, I was. I was so out of control at the end," I argued. He wasn't understanding.

"I wish you could see that story the way I do," Teddy said as he stroked my back. "You needed someone to put you first for once. You aren't what you give other people."

"No, you don't understand," I tried again. "I mean, um, she was kind of pushy about sex but I was on so much shit at the end. That's when I burned all my art. I was out of my mind."

"That doesn't have to happen this time," he told me. "I don't want you to force yourself to have sex you don't want. I don't want you to ever feel like you aren't enough for me. I love you. This isn't about me right now."

"You're half hard right now," I said doubtfully.

"That's just because we're close. Ignore it," Teddy said dismissively. "Friction."

"Just, um, you can leave any time you want. Don't feel like you have to put up with me," I said barely above a whisper.

"So could you. This isn't a hostage situation," Teddy chuckled a little. "I'm here because I want to be. Let me put you first for a little while."

"I, um, Teddy," I shuddered against him and bit down on my lip in irritation when it quivered. "Don't let me hurt you. Please?"

"You're only hurting yourself right now. You've given plenty of warnings and plenty of exit ramps," he reassured me. "Maybe just believe me when I say I want to be here?"

"Ok," I whispered. The timer on my oven went off and I nearly jumped out of Teddy's arms in surprise. He laughed and kissed the top of my head.

"You are so adorable. You have no idea," he said into my hair before he moved me off his lap and went to pull the lasagna out of the oven. "Oh, this looks good!"

I watched Teddy set out plates, the salad, and the bread I had to go with the lasagna without comment. He was smiling and sweet just like always. Maybe he really meant it? Could he?

"Kit?"

I blinked. Teddy was saying my name like he had been trying to get my attention for a while.

"Dinner?" he asked me, pointing at the table expectantly.

"Oh," I said stupidly.

"Come on, diosa. You made dinner, you have to eat it," he teased me.

"What does that mean? Diosa? You called me that before," I asked as I joined him.

"Goddess," he answered with a chuckle.

"You might be putting me up on a pedestal a bit there," I laughed.

"Really, it's my Mucha obsession. You look like Summer, from The Seasons?" Teddy told me as he served the lasagna. "I guess maybe she's a goddess? I always thought so. I don't know. It makes sense in my head."

I didn't know the painting, so I pulled it up on my phone.

"Oh, wow," I huffed in surprise. "That's flattering. She's gorgeous."

"Yeah, exactly," he agreed with a grin. "She's missing your freckles, though."

"You've never seen me in a dress, either," I mused. I studied the details of the painting as well as I could on my phone screen. The model did kind of look like a much more aesthetically pleasing me, with long, auburn hair and an elfin face. She was wearing a gauzy white gown with a crown of red flowers. I could see why Teddy thought of her as a goddess. I could imagine her as the goddess of summertime with her lazy smile and hooded, mischievous eyes.

"You had a dress on the first time I met you. Heels, too," Teddy reminded me. "Not a sexy white goddess dress, but it was a dress."

"I threw that dress out," I said when I remembered. I had purged all my office clothes. "Just jeans and tee shirts now."

Teddy looked at me appraisingly for a moment, but he apparently changed his mind before he said whatever he was contemplating. Instead, he took a bite of the noodles and exclaimed over how much he liked it.

"You want me to wear a dress like that?" I guessed.

"Ah, maybe one day," Teddy said and blushed. That almost sent a tingle to my stomach. Almost. Maybe it would if I relaxed. Maybe it could come back if I didn't push. "We don't have to talk about it now."

"Well, I don't wear white. But maybe one day," I agreed. We ate in companionable silence for a while, just enjoying the meal and the quiet time together.

...

Ben

"Why are we playing on this antique?" Ira asked. He was looking dubiously at the weird, three-legged N64 controller in his hands.

"Because I only have Goldeneye on N64, keep up," I scoffed.

"Oof, this looks rough on the big screen," he complained.

"Hold on." I flipped on my upscaler and rolled my eyes. "Acceptable?"

"Yeah, I guess," Ira huffed. "I've never played this."

"Really? Did you not play in highschool with the rest of us?" I asked. Teddy, Corrine, and I had logged hours on 007. I suddenly realized Ira was never there.

"You and Ted were dating then. I felt like a third wheel," he said with a shrug.

"Hm, Corrine was there. You could have played," I pointed out. "I'm sorry we left you out."

"It's fine. I was fucking around with Mike," he said and laughed. "I wasn't exactly sitting at home alone."

"Ugh, Mike," I said and exaggerated a shudder.

"Aw, don't be jealous. I was thinking about you," Ira said and blew me a kiss. I rolled my eyes.

We weren't hooking up, we were just friends. That was the decision. I loved having Ira as a friend again, but he was naturally flirty and it was hard not to encourage it. I reinforced my decision by sitting in the recliner instead of next to him on the couch. He glanced at me and snorted a derisive bit of laughter.

"Two bros, chillin' in a hot tub, five feet apart," he said pointedly.

"Yeah, because we're two bros now, right?"

Ira sighed and nodded. "Right."

"Come on, I'll kick your ass and get Most Dishonorable. You'll feel better after that," I told him and started the game.

"Oh, shit. I don't even know what that means," Ira chuckled nervously and chose to pay as Bond. I decided to be nice and choose Trevelyan instead of Oddjob.

"You'll find out," I promised.

He did find out. Ira groaned and put the controller down after he lost again.

"What else do you have for this thing?" he asked.

"As far as multiplayer, um, StarFox and Wave Race," I answered.

"Oh, shit! I will wipe the floor with you on StarFox!"

I grinned, switched out the cartridges, and sat beside him that time.

"Let's fucking go!"

...

Teddy

"So, your type is pretty much art nouveau models, then?" Kit asked me. She was on my bed flipping through a book of my favorite prints. They were all mostly just like the one I had compared her to days earlier.

"Ah, maybe?" I chuckled uncomfortably. I mean, definitely. My type was Kit whether she believed that or not. She was exactly that mix of relaxed beauty and untamed rebellion that I loved in the art nouveau prints she was looking through.

"Hmm," Kit squinted at one page thoughtfully. "I don't have a type for women."

"What about men?" I asked her with a grin. She smirked and looked up at me.

"Tall, dark curly hair, blue eyes, latinx, sweet, responsible," she said while running her eyes over me. "Takes me to punk shows and cooks me authentic Mexican food."

"Oh, sweet. Maybe you should date me? I'm a lot of those things," I joked.

"What about you? What's your dream man like?" she asked.

"My type is the same for everyone," I said and shrugged. "Rebellious and beautiful."

"So, like Harry Styles? He's pretty and he would look so hot in a white goddess dress," she suggested. I chuckled nervously. I hadn't meant to make that white dress into a whole thing, but Kit was grinning at me, looking pleased with herself, so I just agreed. She wasn't entirely wrong.

"Hey, Teddy?" She sounded nervous when she spoke again. I put down my pencil to give her my full attention. "If, um, if we try something and I can't, um, finish or I have to stop, would you be mad?"

"Never," I assured her. "It's only fun if we both enjoy it, right?"

"I'm scared," she whispered.

"Then we don't have to do anything," I said softly.

"I want to," she said, looking me up and down again. "But I'm afraid I'll disappoint you."

"Hey," I moved to the bed and took the book away to put it on the floor. She was sitting on her knees with her hands clasped nervously in her lap. I gently unfolded her hands to hold them in mine. "We can go slow. You say stop at any time, ok? I won't be upset. I promise."

"Ok," she whispered shakily. "Just maybe, um, maybe just kiss me?"

"Nervous teen first date special, coming up," I teased her and grinned. She smiled and relaxed a bit under my hands.

I lifted her chin with my fingers and took a moment to appreciate the green starbursts in her otherwise brown eyes. Her lips were slightly parted, just enough for her to catch the bottom one in her teeth until I stroked the tension away with my thumb.

"You're so beautiful," I whispered to her. "I'm lucky just to look at you."

She blushed at my attention and I felt a grin creep across my face. Fucking adorable. I leaned close, but I waited for her to close that last distance to show her that she had full control. She blinked at me dreamily and finally, finally pressed her lips to mine.

She was definitely nervous. Instead of the usual bold attack she would launch on my mouth, she was almost chaste. There was just the smallest pressure of her soft, pink lips on mine at first until she scooted forward a bit, reducing the space between our bodies as much as she could without climbing into my lap. I felt her lips part just slightly, so I followed her lead and let the kiss deepen. Her free hand snaked up to my shoulder and slowly drifted through my hair.

Kit let go and pulled back slightly, looking up into my eyes as though she was checking on me. I just grinned lazily at her and ran my fingers through her hair.

"So beautiful," I repeated. My own voice sounded distant to me beyond the blood pumping in my ears. I sternly told myself to calm down. We were going slow. I wasn't going to give Kit any reason to feel like that simple kiss wasn't enough.

...

Kit

Teddy looked dreamy. His little half smile tugged on my heart. His hands smoothed through my hair and traced the line of my jaw until he cupped my face with both palms.

"Mi diosa hermosa," he whispered. He said something else after that, but I didn't understand.

"What was that?" I asked him. He blinked at me and looked confused. "You're speaking Spanish, querido, and I didn't understand. What are you saying?"

"Oh," he chuckled and traced my lips with his thumb again. "Just praise for the goddess. Offering you my soul for another kiss."

"Blasphemous," I teased him, but I gave him his second kiss. I felt bolder that time now that Teddy had proven he was happy to go at my pace so far. I kissed him slowly, but deeply. I broke the kiss and pressed my forehead to his.

The feeling I expected in my guts was closer, but it wasn't quite right. Putting all my hopes in Teddy's sweet nature, I steeled myself to pump the brakes.

"Is it ok to stop there?" I whispered nervously. Teddy just smiled and stroked my cheeks again.

"Of course," he whispered back. "Thank you for stopping when you need to."

I settled into his arms. Teddy cradled me to his chest and shifted us on the bed so he was leaning against the wall with me resting in his lap.

"Thank you for being so patient," I whispered. There were tears in my voice that I was determined to keep off my cheeks. "I'm going to figure it out."

"None of this is about me right now," he reminded me gently. "We'll figure out us after you figure out you."

I buried my face in his tee shirt. I didn't have an answer for such kindness. He didn't push me to keep talking. I let him hold me and play with my hair until I was certain I wouldn't cry.

"Do I own your soul now?" I asked him.

"Sí. Te alabo. Llévame al Cielo, diosa," he murmured. I took a moment to translate that as best I could, but I was missing a word.

"¿Qué significa 'te alabo'?"

"I praise you. I worship you," he answered.

"Hm, I don't have keys to Heaven. Pretty sure I'm not allowed up there," I teased him.

"Entonces, te seguiré al Infierno, diablilla," he said with a shrug that shifted my weight easily in his arms.

"You'll follow me to Hell, um, some kind of devil?" I guessed.

"Imp," he translated. "You're getting better at this."

"Well, I'm trying," I said dismissively. "My vocabulary still sucks."

"Hey," Teddy suddenly sounded very serious. I shifted to sit up and make eye contact curiously. "It means so much to me that you're trying."

"Querido, um," I scrambled to construct the sentence I wanted. I couldn't quite get there, so I settled on something close, "Es una cosa pequeña."

"It isn't a small thing to me," he said. "Let me compliment you."

I giggled and cuddled back into his arms.

"Ok, we're both amazing, thoughtful partners who go out of our way to take care of each other," I relented. Teddy stiffened up slightly for a second and then relaxed with a trembling breath.

"That's the nicest thing I've ever heard you say about yourself," he murmured.

"Oh, I, um," I stammered and then stopped. "Huh. That's... that's true. That's, um, that's different."

"It's amazing," Teddy whispered and squeezed me close again.

9

Kit

"How are you doing with your medication? Do we need to adjust anything?"

My therapist had salt and pepper hair that she kept in a smooth bun, usually with a pair of glasses perched in front of it. I was looking into the empty lenses of the glasses, imagining them to be the eyes of a cozy hair monster snoozing on top of the doctor's head. I dragged my eyes off the image I was conjuring to try to formulate an answer.

I was trying to be honest. I was attempting to give therapy a real shot. I was still not entirely willing to answer off the cuff without carefully considering how my words would be used against me.

"It's fine. I stopped puking every day after a few weeks," I answered. That was true and it gave very little real information. A perfect answer.

"Are you finding that it helps with your mood?" she pressed.

"Some."

"Kit," she sighed not for the first time that session. "Why are you still coming here if you aren't willing to participate in therapy?"

"Because I'm an optimist," I said and plastered a big, fake smile on my face.

"And the promise you made to your partner? Are you willing to break that?" she asked me. That was low. That wasn't fair. This was the reason I wouldn't tell her about Teddy. I couldn't stand for her to use him against me.

But she wasn't wrong.

Ah fuck.

"The pills are helping. I'm not getting as low, but I still don't feel like myself," I answered tightly. "Sex is still hard. We're figuring it out."

"It's still early. You'll settle into the medication over the next few months if you are willing to give it some time. You may find those side effects lessen over time," she advised without commenting on my sudden change of heart.

"Right, well, I guess I don't have a choice," I snapped.

"You have a choice. No one is forcing you to do any of this," she reminded me.

"I know," I said and smoothed my hands over my face. "Sorry. I'll try to do better."

...

I was still a little off, but FD was playing at the Tavern again and I was determined to go. September was on us, the days were still scorching but the nights were getting tolerable even if they were still muggy as an old sponge. I wasn't sure if Teddy realized it, or if it was even an accomplishment for someone as sweet and loyal as him, but the show was falling on the six month anniversary of the day he coaxed me from the front of Steamed to dance with him at the Tavern.

So, kind of our anniversary. Enough for it to mean something to me.

I didn't usually mark occasions like that. I didn't celebrate the passage of time. My birthday, anniversaries, class reunions, none of that. This felt different. Teddy felt different.

The opening band was someone new to the scene. Teddy and I were happy to jump around and scream to the mediocre music. It was loud and the energy was high enough to be fun.

We pulled up to the bar between sets to get some drinks. Teddy handed me both beers and leaned in to tell me he would be back. I waved him off to the restrooms or wherever.

I saw a man dressed in a spiked denim jacket grab him as he passed. It wasn't hard to guess who that might be. Teddy had a type. This man was stunning with his delicate features and as tall as Teddy, but so willowy in the graceful drape of his limbs I would have believed it if he said he was a ballet dancer. The man pulled Teddy into a kiss before Teddy pushed him off and looked back at me with devastation in his eyes. I laughed and shook my head, Teddy relaxed and dragged the stranger over to me.

"Mike, this is Kit," he said pointedly.

"Oh, shit," Mike laughed. "Sorry!"

"Mike, keep Kit company for a minute?" Teddy asked. He took the extra beer from me and pushed it into Mike's hands. "Here. It's an IPA."

Teddy left us. Mike chuckled and drank the beer, arching an eyebrow at me.

"So, Teddy, huh?" he said.

"Um, yeah," I nodded uncomfortably. Mike looked me up and down thoughtfully.

"He has a type," Mike said with a nod.

"Pretty punks?" I asked.

Mike laughed and nodded again.

"Yeah, really pretty punks," he tapped his glass to mine. "Sorry I kissed your man. I didn't know he was attached to anyone."

"I can forgive it once," I told him. "He's hot. I get it."

"So fucking hot," Mike agreed. "Like, the hottest guy who ever fucked me."

I snorted in surprise at his phrasing. Luckily, Teddy returned about then and wrapped his arms around me from behind.

"I didn't know you were in town," Teddy said over my head to Mike.

"Just got back. I was kind of hoping you would be free, but looks like I missed the bus on that one," Mike said.

"Eh, there's always Grindr," Teddy said.

"Hmm," Mike looked unimpressed with that option. "Is Ira single?"

"Ira is Ira. You'll have to ask him," Teddy answered.

"Boo, you're no fun, Ted," Mike snickered. He drained the beer and grinned. "Your girl is hot. Glad to see you didn't downgrade."

"Don't be an asshole," Teddy warned.

"No worries. I like fighting guys in bars," I said, looking up at Teddy with a smirk. Mike laughed and nodded in appreciation.

"Fucking A," he chuckled. "Pretty punks are the fucking best. Catch you later, Kit? We should get to know each other."

"Why is that?" I asked him.

"Because you're fucking cool and I'm bored as hell in Monroe," Mike said as though it was obvious. "I won't kiss Ted again."

"Yeah, um, ok," I agreed after glancing up at Teddy. He seemed unsurprised by Mike's behavior. "I work mornings at Steamed. Come by sometime."

"Oh, shit, with Ben?" Mike's eyes widened. "Yeah, I'll be around." He flicked his fingers at us and disappeared back into the crowd.