All Comments on 'Troglodyte'

Good and close to great - a classic LW story. It didn't need the tie back to amyyum's story as it took a direction all on it's own. Thanks for posting!

The reference to the 70s songs raised the score from a zero to a one.

An effort at parody still requires some attempt at humor. This just slapped together every horrific trope ever used to afflict LW readers. Five pages of them smashed together doesn't magically turn them into humor. It's a nightmare.

Out of respect for the quality you've shown in your other stories I slogged through the whole damn thing waiting for something worthwhile. Never happened. Not funny.

The sleep number disparity discovery was worthy. I liked it. Good one. Using it in this pile of crap was a sad waste.

I loved it!

4.52 stars... naw it was 5. Five pages never went so fast. Bonus for getting your firearms right and glad I didn't have to read about how anybody took the safety off on their Glock for a change.

The premise of the story is age old, but had a couple of interesting ideas. The writing, grammar and punctuation, was horrible. I found myself going back an rereading sentences trying to figure out what you were saying. I have followed you for a long time, but find this story not to even be close to your standard of writing.

There is a story buried in there, but you have to work to stay with it.

I was very disappointed as I have read many of your stories and this one had so many spelling, grammatical and tense errors. An editor would have cleaned it up. Once you referred to Justin as Jack. Another time(or maybe it was twice) you misspelled Justin's name. The story was fine, been done before but there was a couple of new twists. Could have done without the Literotica authorship within the story.

Confusing at best. Jack for Justine in more places than I can count, and then Justine? WTH is Justine?.

I know you're a better writer than this confusing bit of prose. 3⭐⭐⭐at most.

Good story but man you need an editor. POVs changing, wrong names and spelling errors are distracting.

Great story. Would have been 5stars but. The grammar and spelling kept distracting me.

In your efforts to go 'trogladyte' for the BTB crown you wrote a sloppy story. It was all over the place. The dialog and story line was hard to follow. Trying to insert his writing into your story line, could have been funny, but you missed there too. Not up to your usual standard. I think you wrote this on the fly, without either planning your plot or editing, just like your character Jack wrote his stories while on the road.

The one novel thing you had you almost buried. That was the adjustable mattress that reveal somebody else was sleeping in his bed.

The crap giving a half sentence description of each weapon was equally tiring. Everything but the actual model number. I suppose that was in response to some stories that instead of just saying the type of car has to describe the engine and transmission as well.

Like others have mentioned, it takes away from the tale when you have to do a “Wait! What? … Oh … name change.” For what I read, a good tale and a solid four.

Thanks

A few too many mistakes to earn a 5, all in all- a good effort.

Over the top fun.

Good overall story but could use a could editor. Lots of errors and could have been shorter.

The only question I have is why you thought it would take people 45 minutes to read the story

IUDs (Inter Uterine Devices) can not be self installed (or removed).

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Loved the story!

The writers rambling’s were so bad that I ended up having a headache! Should have taken ur initial advise to do something better!

All over the place like the proverbial! Not a story but a disconnected monologue whose sequencing is forever locked within the mind of the would be author that the real would be author was trying to present. Absolute drivel.

"I believe there are only two reasons a man should ever hit a woman, one in self-dense and the other is she gets pregnant by another man and turns him to a cuckold and have him raise it as his own without his knowledge. To me, that is the same as raping a woman"

Ohh yes. Totally the same.

Would you please not switch between first and third person singular all the time?

It is so difficult to follow your story this way.

Why LW authors think ending up with the wife of the man who cuckolded you is a happy ending always baffles me. This is the woman who spent years loving and fucking your mortal enemy. Every day is a reminder of him. Makes no sense.

Thanks for sharing...

I liked the original story that's why I read this, however this was a bit too cavalier for me & I'm not sure what page two was all about? Probably never understand

5 pages of nearly unreadable drivel. The POV jumped from 1st to 3rd person many times even within the same sentence, names of characters were mixed-up, and the whole plot defied logic. I skimmed the last 3 pages just to find redeeming facts for the story, but there were none. 20 minutes of my lifetime wasted...

⭐⭐

Good, but the unintentional perspective switching was terrible, especially mid sentence.

I really liked the humour in your story and the way you took a crack at the perverts and numbskulls. Pity you made a few timeline slips but I understand why you wouldnt want to spend a lot of time going back over it again.

Great story, I sort of remember the Amyyum version. You need an editor to keep your Jack and Justin's straight. That knocks you down to a 4

Really wanted to like this, as I’m a fan of Amyyum’s work, but this story is absolutely not ready for prime time. It is very difficult to read not just because of all the grammatical errors but the writing itself is unclear. Jumping from 1st person to 3rd person in the same paragraph is just plain careless. But a greater problem is there are too many strands, too many characters, creating an overly complex stew. This may sound like a cliche but you really do need a very good human editor and some beta readers - Grammerly is definitely not up to a task this monumental.

Couldn’t go past the first page. Wrong words, tech gun bullshit of the highest order and the first time I’ve seen a jump from first to third person in the same sentence.

A jumbled up load of bollocks with name changes throughout and terrible punctuation. 1 star is being generous.

I couldn’t continue reading it, the writer needs an editor. There were too many errors, the final straw, for me, switching from third person to first person and back again. I have not provided a rating, since I was unable to assess the merits of the tale, having left the tale early as a frustrated reader.

Very hard to follow.

Fun collection of tropes ;-)

The story itself was good. However, I did find the writing to be a little mixed up. For example going from first person to third in a matter of a few words "I laid his weapon against the house" is one example, there are others. If you read it out loud, you would discover key words missing from several areas of the text .

Sorry, story sucked.

This had too much seasoning in the mix. I’m assuming the author is trying to hit as many tropes as possible, but t’s like a sharknado b-movie marathon with over the top silliness.

Am I reading the same story as the rest of the people who commented? The story was confusing and unlike “Jack,” needs an editor. A 3 because of its content.

THAT just HAS TO BE the most cliche filled, trope stuffed, tale ever posted in these fora!

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It bored the hell out of me, though. Sorry.

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You do deserve a ⭐️ for having a new discovery gimmick. That brought it up to…

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3 ***

You genuinely need an editor. 4

Sloppy mess.

There’s definitely a story in there, but… yeah, I know you went off about editing in this story, but you need it. The badly placed quotation marks, the run-ons, the spots where you obviously didn’t roll back what you’d written enough before rewriting, he losses of tense, the consistent ‘his/my’ errors, etc,…

So, yeah, I’m that guy… get an editor. The story suffered for it, and would have been easier to absorb if one had worked on this.

As I said, there’s a story here, but it just needs polish.

"In the military, my reports were so exact..."

I wish your writing was as exact as your reports. There were too many simple mistakes that would have easily been caught with a readthrough.

I’m sure I’ve read worse stories but can’t imagine when.

Really enjoyed your story. This is one of your best. Dont let the naysayers disturb you, they normally look only their own mistakes and as you said in the intro , you asked and received permission from thr original author so any problems were committed by the original.

The bones of the story are solid...perhaps a little over-the-top at times, but solid nonetheless. You need an editor to catch mistakes like switching from 1st person to 3rd person, and lots of grammatical errors that make sentences awkward. One other minor beef...if you're using a foreign language idiom, "Oh contrar" to wit, take the time to research it. It's "au contraire". Just an FYI.

Please get an editor! There are so many mistakes that it hurt to read what might have been a decent story.

There is a story here but it's just too much hard work trying to decipher . Honestly , it's all over the place .

From the opening sentences I was thinking " this looks like it could be good " .

Before the end of the first page I gave up . Wasn't even going to try and skim .

Thanks for allowing comments and I hope you get yourself an editor and resubmit .

"He smiled inwardly, imagining himself as Ceasar returning triumphantly through the streets of Rome, dragging his conquest behind them in their cages before being fed to the lions."

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For the record, grammatically speaking, you said Ceasar was fed to the lions...

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Sadly, that was far from the only grammatical error this story contained.

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For example, don't put "NAME:" in front of dialogue. This isn't a script where the actors need to be able to find their lines to learn them. I can somewhat understand doing it to indicate a text messaging exchange, but not for phone calls.

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Here's another example: "You're right. I'm not." I was taking Flomax." Call me crazy, but I think that paragraph should have an even number of quotation marks. Sadly, that wasn't even the first time you did that and it's far from the only failure with quotation marks.

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But, enough about the grammatical disaster this story is or my comment will end up being as long as the story itself...

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Okay, so moving on to a question. Since Cindy was talking to Jack, I found these lines to be troublesome: "Jack helps me with the utilities" and "Cindy noticed he asked Jack to ask her but couldn't bring himself to do it." Who was she actually talking about instead of Jack?

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Finally, I struggle a bit with how to rate a story like this. If I view it as a stand alone story, it's really bad and is probably in the 1.5 range. If I view it as an attempt to improve upon another bad story, well, it's kind of meh and probably worth a weak 3.

Swapping constantly between Jack and I was rough to read. Enough so that I couldn't finish page one.

This is incredibly poor writing. I know a six year old kid who wrote his own little comic book that is more literate and grammatically correct. I am shocked and very disillusined in her, to think that amyyum would allow her name to be published in connection with this travesty of a story.

Please, please get someone to check through before you post.

First person, Third person... mistakes all over the show and a giant case of who cares as far as the characters are concerned. I guess it missed me

I remember those songs! I give it a 5 just for that.

By far, one of the WORST stories I've ever come across on Lit.

You cannot be that inept at spelling and grammar. It has to be intentional.

Nice Job!! Thank you for an enjoyable read!

A fine tale - thank you!

I stayed with the story out of curiosity. The idea and its execution were fine as a whole. But, it was a painful experience for the reasons other commentators have listed. Very difficult to stop your brain reacting to the switches between Jack and I and Justin...

I liked the story overall. I have one suggestion, don't use the same first letter for your main characters. It can cause some confusion while reading the story.

Enjoyed the story. Word placement in the sentence make them an adventure to read. Thanks for your writing.

Sorry, but I don’t get the high marks this trash has been getting. I did manage to wade through to the end, ok I did skip some of the “Literotica story” filler, but the whole thing felt like a very weak attempt to copy every other ‘Family Destroyed Me”story ever written, and it wasn’t done well enough to even be a ridicule. The grammar, the syntax, the jumping from name to name, Poorly written and never edited.

Interesting story!

4

A great - and different - discovery idea.

The story idea - both yours and the original author's - was also good. But both stories were lacking in presentation.

Both needed proofing and editing. Despite you talking about your MC using Grammarly as an editing tool for his Literotica submissions, you show no evidence of having done so with your own submission (which you may have mentioned in your intro).

I've given it a pass mark, but I hope to see better from you in the future. ...and please remember that a constant Point Of View is critical.

Good lord, this was almost unintelligible. I almost want to give it five stars for containing the most misspellings, dropped words, changed tenses, and ridiculous plot baloney I've ever seen. But I simply can't, as that would be recommending it to someone else.

Could have been a good tale. With all the mistakes it really was hard to read. Forget the misspellings. It's more like dropped words or not deleting ones. E.G. "......she slapped the shit both out of both of them"........WTH?? A simple proofread could have caught that. There were so many had to give up.

Liked the story premise. Would have been a much better read with cleanup editing. Just guessing you wrote this in one sitting while getting hammered on something. LOL.

Found myself chuckling in places with the over the top tropes you inserted. I’m way too smart to give it 4.52*, but I will give it a passable 3.52 - LOL! 3.5*

At the beginning of the story you know for certain that he was single. There's no fucking way in hell an attached guy could get away with buying a Cheytac and that telescope.

Would have liked to see his dad get whats coming to him.

LOL, my folks had the Jimmy Castor album when I was a kid...loved the 'artwork' that came with the album! I enjoyed the story, quite a few of typo's and grammar mistakes that I had to read over again to make sure I was understanding the story, but not so bad that it detracted from the story.

Great Idea, not so great execution the lack of editing made this extremely had to read. A real shame about that. [FYI did not score it, never see the point in being nasty to a writer.]

2.5* So many errors including obvious ones you should have caught if you had proofread your own work. For example, you keep switching from 1st person to 3rd person. Do you mean sight or SITE? You should pull this story, make corrections, and resubmit.

Great story, but please, for all that's good in the world, HIRE AN EDITOR.

This was quite a chaotic piece.

Justun and Jack got interchanged in several instances and the first person and third person switching gets me a bit dizzy. @Onegaman56 pribably had uploaded the unpolished draft by mistake because this one truly needs ckeaning up

Loved it great story

Great story. Well used trope but did well with it

5/5

I’m speechless. You need half a dozen editors. I love BTB stories but this was trash. 2*

I'm not sure how I managed to read the whole thing.

Terrible plot, deus ex machina solutions galore, slobbering details over not one, but two, different sniper rifles in the first couple of paragraphs, combined with multiple switches between first and third person in the same sentence made this impossible.

one star

I really liked the story. I did get a little confused there at the end with all the different names. I have seen where some authors list all the people/names and who they are like husband and etc at the beginning of story so it is easy to ID them and keep them straight. I am sure that is what Bertha, Bertha Butt one of the Butt sisters would do.

Average at best although I did like how it seemed to be written in code at times.

Oh dear.

There are a few major issues with this story.

The most glaring are the dozens of typos, grammar mistakes, first to third person switches, and punctuation errors that almost made it unreadable.

The discovery method was unique, but all the references to literotica were pure cringe. There was also no payoff to the husband's amateur writing, which made it all pointless.

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I normally love a good BtB story, but the ending with him marrying Cindy was terrible. Why the hell would he start dating his brother's ex-wife? She picked the ahole over him two decades earlier, then had been screwing the guy he hates most in the world for the past 20 years. Talk about baggage.

On top of that, she was older than him, and 36 when they started dating. Cindy was long past her prime. The guy was good looking and wealthy; he would have had no problem at all dating women ten years younger than Cindy.

You forgot to note the model and serial numbers, and the NDC code for the Select-o-matic mattress.

I liked the story but what happened with the brother?

Perfect english and perfectly logical story. Original plot and highly readable.

Grammatically inferior. Name changes and chronological issues throughout.

I liked it and gave it 4.5 stars, rounded up to 5 since you can't split the numbers. I too found it funny, the LW stories within the story were funny, and all the cliches that are found in the stories of the LW forum. The Mexican Whorehouse one is one that I don't see too often, but shooting the cheaters sure. It was pretty convenient that he ran into the electronics experts with government clearance, and CIA equipment. It sure could have used an editor at times. I always thought someone could write a LW story by using just the common lines of a "cheating wife/husband", but I didn't know if you could do an entire 750 word story like the MC tried to do. Some parts of the story, I thought I was reading parts of another story, with the brother doing the MC's wife. I know I've read a couple of them before, with one case the husband hooking up with the younger sister who is a CEO of a women's clothing company, after the divorce (one of my favorites). I enjoyed it, thank you for sharing it with us.

It is not the worst plot, and you did indicate in your preface that you would hit every trope available, but the grammar and the spelling is just awful. Swapping tense between past and present, or the point of view (i.e who is telling the tale) mid sentence is bad, and you managed it several times. Most people can keep it together for at least a paragraph.

Spell and grammar checkers are not a patch on a real person, who is a native English speaker, just doing a read through. I'm afraid your story is going to be heavily marked down because of the standard of your prose.

He tried to read it but I got confused with the constant switching between first and third person. I wanted to read more but he gave up because it was so unintelligible.

OMG, please get an editor to proof read your stories.

I really enjoyed this 'over the top" story until page 4. Then the wheels came off with all the errors. Seems like the author rushed to the ending.

Even worse than Amy's. And you elitist asshole writer wannabes when us lowly anonymous scum give you 1's.

Oh god great story horrendous spelling errors, switching between 1st and 3rd views in the same sentence was a massive issue with this as a writer. Would gave been 5 but so many errors dropped it a star

I liked the story but damn do you need help proof reading your material bad! May I suggest writing your material with Text Aloud and using it to listen to your story catching all the typo's. As your typing it will prompt you to correct your miss spells. I wished it had been around 30 years ago.. Any way you need to clean it up but I'm still going to give you 5 stars without deducting for your bad grammar. Thanks. 5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐'s.

Well, the good parts were beaten back by the bad. Atrocious grammar, punctuation and ...

Thanks for the effort though.

A very fun read, love the interaction of the characters and the fun jabs at loving wives stories! Great job 5*

Not a bad story but god do you need an editor., numerous mistakes and it seems you can’t remember your characters names.

I’ve never read a story with worse editing on Lit. If I can’t rate a story as a five I don’t rate it, so I’m not going to rate this one. The story itself would rate a five, but the misuse of words, failure to have complete or comprehensible sentences, misspelled or incomplete words and punctuation errors would have caused me to lower the rating. I appreciate your making the effort to submit this story, and I encourage you to keep on trying. But for the next one get an editor.

Keep track of your characters. This was just a mess.

Oh dear god, get an editor. Just a mess. Would've been a 5.

If bad grammar and punctuation were indictable offenses, you would deserving multiple consecutive life terms. To make it worse, you switched your narration back and forth between 1st and 3rd person. It made the story painful to read. Are all your stories like this?

I gave you a five for the story but you need an editor. I was able to figure out what you meant but will mistakes get you flamed and down rated. You can catch a lot of the mistakes you made by reading the story aloud, but a reader/editor will catch more.

I'm with Karn9 here. Had no problem reading this and am grateful to get a good yarn for free. Five stars all the way.