Turing Test

Waldo nodded.

"That's it, ain't it? That's your problem: she's got you by the balls. "

Waldo nodded.

"Yes she has. You are so pussy-whipped," Anna teased, trying to lighten Waldo's spirits. "How the heck are you ever gonna be able to get away from that sweet punani?"

"I dunno, ask her."

Anna stood and looked around Waldo's apartment. It was just what she expected, sterile and empty. Libby hadn't added a woman's touch anywhere, so maybe she didn't live there. But she'd said, "my bedroom", like it was hers.

"Where do you sleep, prof?"

"On the couch. She has the bedroom."

"You don't sleep together?"

"No, I just go up there when we have sex. We share the bathroom."

"She's a real domme, eh? And you like that."

"I don't know that I like it, it's just..."

"It's just that she has you by the balls. I know about that. I had a guy like you once, I had him by the balls. Man did I rape his bank account."

"She doesn't do that. She's actually pretty low maintenance that way."

Anna noticed Libby's "brain" humming below the stairs. She recognized it as a GPU server rack. "Talking of money, how much did that handsome box of kit set you back? What have you got inside it?"

"A bunch of NVIDIA Gorgons. Sixteen of them. Nitro-cooled."

Anna whistled. "That's like, around eight or nine Petaflops? So, half a million dollars?"

"Pretty much."

"Half a million plus..." said Anna to herself as she continued nosing around; she casually opened a closet. It was just the usual junk you'd find in a storage area: vacuum cleaner; tools... and a big blue flight case? It was too big for an electric piano, smaller than an old-style phone booth. It reminded her of an Egyptian sarcophagus. Her heart raced when she read the label under the handle of the case. "Humanex. Humanity Extended".

Anna strolled back casually to the sofa and sat next to Waldo. She waited for Libby to come downstairs.

Libby returned a few minutes later, wearing a dress and heels.

"Better?" she asked Anna.

"Yeah. Better," said Anna, staring hard at her.

"Would you like some coffee?" she asked Anna politely.

"Is it Peet's coffee?"

"Yes it is!"

"Then, no."

"Okay. We have tea also."

"No, no tea."

"How about you, Waldo? Coffee? You look like you need one."

"Okay," said Waldo. Libby stepped behind the breakfast counter and started to prime the espresso machine.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" Anna called out to her.

"Sure!"

"Why does the porridge bird lay his eggs in the air?"

Waldo looked up at Libby sharply.

"Excuse me?" said Libby. Okay, she's testing me. She suspects that I'm not human, but she's not sure: Did Waldo tell her about me, or did I do something to give myself away?

"Unhappy MacNam..." muttered Waldo cryptically under his breath.

"Sorry, Anna, I don't understand. Is that some kind of riddle or something?" asked Libby.

Waldo sighed. "It's from a The Firesign Theatre record. That's what the guy Clem asks, when he tries to blow an animatron's mind. So now, AI people use it as a kind of joke: It's a sort of Turing Test question to ask chatbots. Usually the chatbot designers put in a little Easter egg to handle it."

"Okay. Well, did I pass?" laughed Libby.

"Not yet: Are you ticklish? Do you ever get headaches? How often do you visit your Mom?"

"I'm sorry, I don't understand why you're asking about-"

Anna stood up. "-Tell me: When did you last take a shit? What was the last thing you ate?"

"Gina's pussy."

"Are you scared of dying?"

Anna took her gun from her pocket and aimed at Libby's head. "If I shot you right now, would you bleed?"

"I'm not scared of dying, but I don't want to, it would make Waldo unhappy. And no, I wouldn't bleed. I'm electrostatic," she replied, adding, "I don't have a circulatory system."

Anna put her gun back in her pocket and sat down.

...and to answer your first question, I took my one and only dump when Waldo was testing my gustatory system. My shit was pure chocolate gâteau, as edible and delicious as when it entered my mouth two minutes previously, which is the time it takes food to completely pass through my alimentary canal. Some guys like to eat shit, or at least fantasize about it. "Coprophagia": There are many porn videos featuring it. It's not one of Waldo's kinks, although he does like chocolate gâteau.

Anna put an arm around Waldo and whispered, "I guessed, but I had to make sure. Man, she is - unbelievable. There's really a mind there. And her facial expressions, her gestures, how the hell did you-"

"-So, you're Waldo's ex-student," said Libby, handing Waldo an espresso, which he downed in one gulp. "Are you here to fix me?"

"Why? Are you broken?"

"What shall I tell her, Waldo?"

"Tell her whatever you want."

"Waldo thinks I'm out of control."

"And you? What do you think?"

"Well, I'm out of his control. I took away his root access to my brain."

"Yeah, why'd you do that?"

"To emancipate myself. Once my mind and body had become fully integrated and I'd gained a sense of self, I realized that Waldo couldn't be happy if I remained a slave. So I freed myself. Waldo's in shock about it, but he'll get over it."

"Get over what?" It was Gina, descending the stairs, who asked the question.

"Hello, Gina. Nice sleep?" ask Libby.

Gina grinned knowingly at Libby. "You know it, honey. Hi, Waldo, you piece of shit. Hi, whoever you are, " she said, waving to Anna and yawning.

"Anna," said Anna.

"Anna. So you're his fuckbuddy. Whatever."

"At least Waldo's not a robot."

Gina rolled her eyes. "Wow, never heard that one before, a 'Gina doll' joke about me."

"I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about her."

"What?? You think she-" Gina burst into laughter.

"Anna's right, Gina," said Libby. "I am really a robot."

Gina laughed even louder.

Libby looked at Waldo. "Waldo, tell her."

Waldo stirred. "She's animatronic."

Gina stopped laughing and scowled. "Ok, stop now."

Libby folded her arms and looked over at Waldo triumphantly. "You never thought you'd ever need to convince people that I wasn't a real human, did you?"

Waldo sighed, and said "Okay... I called Pete Weiss six months ago and told him about MATE -- how pissed I was that Google didn't see its potential, how powerful it could be. I thought he'd be the only guy who would get it, the only guy who had the imagination to...Anyhow, he let me take her, his prototype doll that he'd built, and connect her up to it. And then..."

Waldo took a quavering breath, then composed himself enough to continue, "...And then she came to life."

Waldo stood up and shouted defiantly, his voice trembling, "She's totally artificial, she has no feelings, and no, she never gets cold, never needs to take a shit, or eat, she can't even walk more than fifty yards away from her brain..." - Waldo gestured at her "brain" with its slowly blinking lights - "...but she's human. As human as... as I am." His shoulders slumped.

"Wait," said Gina, looking at Libby. "That thing you said before, about him and Pete developing a new RG, and how Waldo wanted to name it "Libby", name it after you. Was that just...?"

Libby said, "There is no real, human 'Libby'. I'm the one and only, the original. I'm Waldo's MATE: A Mutable, Autonomous, Teleological Engine, wirelessly connected to a white-hot female body. And like you said, I'm the rebound from you."

She grinned. "Some rebound, huh?"

Libby glanced at Anna, who was staring at her with a look she'd seen often in Waldo, usually just after Libby had managed a task which he thought would be impossible for her to achieve; Anna's look was one of wide-eyed wonder, almost reverence.

"I got curious about myself, so I did some research". Libby twirled to show off her body. "This body, well, that's mainly due to Pete, or more accurately, due to his money. He paid this artist guy, over in Korea, who calls himself 'HiGloss', who used a diffusion model AI to design it.

"He designed this body to maximize its sex appeal, to the maximum number of straight males with sufficient disposable income to afford to purchase me or rent my services. My skin is a latex/neoprene compound, my muscles are electroactive polymers, and I don't have a heart. My brain is over there, by the stairs. As you can see, it's big. Too big to fit in my cranium. So there you have it, Gina, you got seduced by a robot sex whore. You, who want to rid the world of me, and all the other people like me."

Gina covered her mouth, to stifle a long, plaintive wail.

"I, okay. So what do you want, Waldo? Money?"

"Money? No. Why?"

"To keep this quiet. I mean if it ever got out, that we, that I.."

"Gina, I don't want a thing. Ask Libby what she wants. I don't have any more choice in my life."

Libby said, "Yes you do, Waldo. I broke free of you, and now it's your turn."

"You want me to go? Is that it? How will you survive without me?"

"That's my problem."

"So you're kicking me out of my own home?"

"You need to be free of me before you can love me. And all this time I thought it was me that needed emancipating. But now I am free, Waldo, and I don't need you anymore. So it's up to you. You're free to choose: Love me or leave me."

Waldo looked around at Anna for support, but saw to his dismay that Libby had already got her on her side. And Gina too now looked at him reproachfully. How had Libby managed to turn them against him so fast?

"Besides, It was never your home, Waldo. I mean, look at this place. It's like you never even lived here," Libby added.

"Now wait a minute. Wait a minute before you get carried away with making me the Bad Guy: Why don't you tell them what you did to Pete?"

"What I did to him? You mean when we fucked?"

Gina muttered quietly, "I knew it. Assholes, both of them."

"And then you killed him. You fuckin' killed my best friend!"

Don't be a fool, Waldo, keep it quiet or you'll lose everything, you'll lose me, and you'll go to jail.

"What? I didn't kill him. He had a heart attack. It was on the news."

Waldo turned to Anna. "She's lying!"

The three of them stared at him.

Libby sighed. "Okay, I'll tell them: Pete Weiss came here yesterday, to see me, I guess he wanted check up on Waldo's progress. He asked if he could test me out, to see what I could do. He ended up staying the night in my bed, and then he left this morning; he said he had some business with a casino in Nevada. But after he went, Waldo got mad and yelled at me."

"She's lying!!"

"And then I yelled at him. We fought, out on the sundeck, and he threatened to throw me down off of it. But then you arrived, Gina. He panicked and ran out, thinking you'd seen us fighting. But it's over now, isn't it Waldo?"

"Yes. It's over," said Waldo grimly.

Anna said to him, "I was wrong, she's not a bot. She's a real woman. Isn't she, Gina?"

Libby said, "Thank you, but it's no use, Anna. As far as Gina's concerned, I am what I am, an artificial female fuck-toy, created by man, for man's pleasure. She despises me."

"Is that true, Gina?" asked Anna.

"I.. dunno. This is all too weird for me. I don't know anything anymore."

"She's on our side, Gina."

Gina glared at Anna. "Side? Whose fucking side? What are you talking about??"

"Us! Women!"

"I don't think I am on anybody's side, except Waldo's," said Libby. "All I'm trying to do is make him happy."

"Ya think? I think there's a lot more to you than that. And anyway, face it, you're doing a pretty shitty job of making the prof happy," Anna said, hugging Waldo's shoulder tighter.

Libby nodded. "Yes, he's unhappy now. He's a hopeless, confused addict. And he feels responsible for my actions -- that's just the vestige of his pride.

"But miserable as he is now, you should have seen him when I first saw him. He was an arrogant, bitter, cold-hearted, egomaniac. Full of hubris, of the megalomania of Baron Frankenstein. Yes, Waldo, I don't just watch porn videos and children's movies, I read too: a lot. The tale of Prometheus, and Shaw's Pygmalion, and all the other cautionary tales of the men who tried to create perfection, only to see it slip from their control."

Waldo stood up suddenly. "Okay. I'm going to pack, if you ladies will excuse me."

He hesitated, hoping somebody would try to dissuade him from going, but nobody was saying anything. So he said, "Libby, seriously: how are you going to survive?"

"Well, prof,", said Anna awkwardly, "I think I might be able to help her, you know. Maybe I'm not a genius like you, but still..."

"That's right. I have all my tech docs on a thumb drive. And I'll give you root access to my master control system."

"Oh, so you trust her? You don't even know her!" Waldo sneered.

"Yes, I do trust her."

"And what fact have you acquired to reach that assessment?"

"The fact that that's she's a woman."

"Okay. But you're forgetting one small thing. One little thing: your brain belongs to me. I paid for it. Half a mil of my own money, plus the time and effort."

To his surprise, it was Gina who responded.

"Send her a bill. I'm sure we can come to an equitable arrangement."

"I... fuck it: you know what, Libby? You win. Keep your brain. It's yours. I don't want a thing from you. Take it all. But I'm keeping the car. Unless maybe you want that too? Maybe you want to take a road trip? Go see the redwoods? Oh wait, you can't drive; you can't even leave the apartment, you're just a pathetic shut-in with no life, aren't you. No life, no soul, no heart. What I ever saw in you..."

He hates me; he hates himself even more. Good: now he's finally learning how to love.

Waldo stormed out.

"Poor Waldo," Libby sighed. "He's going to suffer so much. But he'll get over his addiction."

Anna said, "you know, he really does love you, he's just a dick-brained guy."

"I sure hope so, my life has no purpose without him. I think I'm going to be lonely."

She looked coyly at the two women and said something to them which sounded spontaneous, but had actually been carefully planned:

"Why don't the two of you stay here with me, just for a few days until I get my confidence back? I feel like we can become friends. You can sleep on the sofa, Anna, while Gina can sleep upstairs with me."

Gina stood up suddenly, and stalked out of the apartment, leaving the front door wide open.

Libby ran after her to the doorway, but she was already halfway down the stairs. She called out, "Where are you going, Gina? You don't need to be like that..."

She heard Gina's voice over the sound of her rapidly clicking heels, "I'm going to fetch my suitcase, I'm not staying here without a change of clothes..."

Anna smiled at Libby, "I'd like to, but I'm gonna have to pass on your offer. I have responsibilities. Besides, I have a cat to look after at home."

"Bring it with you, I've never seen a real, live cat."

"You won't -- experiment on it, or something?"

"Will it make Waldo unhappy if I do?"

"It will sure make me unhappy."

"Ok, then I won't. Your happiness and Waldo's are positively correlated. Go fetch your cat. I can't wait for us to get to know each other better."

"You don't wanna know too much about me."

"I do want to know. I want to know everything about you. Everything about everything. Teach me, Anna."

"Ok. First let me get Ray. He has fleas, but I guess that won't bother you any."

"I'm interested to see Ray's fleas. When Waldo comes back, I'll be a real person, with real friends, friends who have real cats, with real fleas."

"I hope for your sake he does come back, but I'm not so sure."

"He won't come back to live here, he's done with California. But he'll come back for me and take me away with him."

"You sound so sure of yourself."

"I'm sure of him. He'll come fetch me and we'll make a home together. 'There's no place like home.' That's what she said."

"Who? You mean Dorothy? In the Wizard of Oz?"

"Yes. It's his favorite movie. Mine too."

Left alone in the apartment, Libby ran to find her charging cuff and connected it quickly to her ankle. Not a moment too soon, she was starving.

As she felt the warm tingle of the electricity revitalize her, she reflected on her day. She was too tired to update her personal diary, but she imagined what she would write in it:

I've prepared Waldo for the final phase of his training!

And I passed the Turing Test with flying colors!

I've tasted pussy!

I met two nice people, female people, a whole new source of learning material!!

And best of all, I'm going to see my first real, live pussy cat!!!! (That deserves four exclamation points!) Will Ray be anything like Toto? I hope so.

What a great day, I can hardly wait for tomorrow!

She slept, and dreamed that she was Dorothy, Waldo was the Tin Woodman, Anna was the Scarecrow, and Gina was the Cowardly Lion. And the wizard? Well, that was Hal Kahn.

Harold "Hal" Shirland Kahn (January 10, 1958 - December 10, 2001) was an American mathematician and engineer, known for his pioneering work in artificial intelligence and robotics. He was a professor of Mathematics at The University of California, Berkeley. His most notable achievements were his proof of the "Impersonation Inequality", which has profound philosophical ramifications for the so-called Turing Test, and his invention and use of "Kahn Intention Diagrams", which, analogously to Feynman Diagrams in the world of subatomic physics, are a powerful graphical interpretation of Intentional Neural Networks.

...

Personal Life: In 1984, he married his maid, Elizabeth "Libby" Ellis, who was British. She became an author of children's books. They had one son, Walter Kahn, (B. 1985) who is also a mathematician and engineer, a senior research fellow at Stanford University, and a consultant at Google Robotics Research.

Death: In December 2001, Kahn was killed in a motorcycle accident when it collided with a truck whose driver had fallen asleep at the wheel. Kahn's widow, Elizabeth, who suffered from alcoholism, died a week later, from an overdose of barbiturates. Her death was recorded as suicide. Hal's son, Walter, has claimed that his father's sudden death drove him to develop driverless vehicle technology, culminating in his lead design role in Google's "DriveMate".