Two Blank Stares

And Teddie said, "Bring her here. Mom can bring her." He turned away from Susan, still crying.

Now Susan was sobbing as well. She rushed out of the room.

Teddie leapt up off the bed, paced around the room. Etta simply looked at him. She could hear Susan outside in the corridor, crying. After some time - maybe ten minutes - Susan's sobbing ceased, and Teddie stopped moving and stared at his mother.

Etta said, "Teddie, that woman loves you. But she's flawed. And her flaws were always going to hurt you. I told her that. But she was so sure of herself - that you'd never know."

Teddie was now returning to a form of rational thinking. He said, "How much flawed?"

Etta asked, "What do you mean, Teddie?"

"I mean....well..."

"You mean has she cheated a lot. Probably not only with that jerk. She has hook-ups, I bet. When she feels safe. I imagine that her affair with the dead guy was ongoing. I spoke to his wife. She was gonna dump him. Susan wasn't the first."

"So...I can never trust her? Live with her...."

"I don't know. Not for sure. Not now. Of course, you can never take her word alone."

Teddie walked over to the door, opened it and looked at his wife collapsed on a chair down the hall, staring at the wall. It was a posture he recognized.

He went back into the room. He said, "I'm leaving here. I don't need to be here anymore. Will I go to prison?"

Etta shook her head. "I spoke to the lawyer for the state. She's not going to charge you. She believes it was an accident."

"Then I'm going home."

"Susan and Betty are there, you know. Susan is mostly working from home."

"I can sleep in my office."

Etta looked at him with some curiosity. She asked, "Are you sure? Lots of things can happen."

"I need to see my way forward." He let out a small sob. "She was everything to me."

"Oh, well, you have Betty, too."

Teddie ignored that. He said, "But I wasn't everything to her. I thought I was, but I was wrong."

Etta said, "Maybe it's not a good thing for someone to be everything for somebody else."

Etta made arrangements for Teddie to leave the facility the next morning. She took Susan home and spoke to her to let her know that Teddie was going to be there at home by lunch the next day.

Susan was both excited and afraid. She decided to send little Betty to her pre-school and tell her after that her dad was home. She wanted some time with Teddie.

Etta arrived with Teddie at eleven o'clock. He was dressed in chinos and a long sleeve white shirt, with black sneakers. Susan opened the door and the two spouses stared at each other. Teddie said, "I don't trust you." He thought it best to get that out right away.

Susan was used to his way of getting directly to the point. She said, "I can't blame you. I don't trust me either." They were still standing at the door. Susan stepped back, and Teddie walked inside. Etta followed.

Teddie turned and said, "I ordered a guitar."

Susan was also used to Teddie's leaps of logic in his conversation. He'd had a stream of rational thoughts pass quickly through his head but had only articulated the starting point and the conclusion. So, a non sequitur....but not.

She said, "Explain."

Teddie paused. "I learned on TV. I need to chill if I'm going to be here with you. I'll teach Betty."

Susan looked at Etta, who shrugged. Teddie looked at Susan, then at his mom. He smiled. He said, "Here it is now." Looking out the window at the Amazon truck.

A guy came up with a box. Teddie went and got it. He walked over to a drawer and got a pen knife, opened the package, cut some plastic and pulled out a guitar. All this while Etta and Susan stared at him.

The guitar already had strings on it. Teddie played around with it for a couple of minutes. Susan realized that he was tuning it.

She asked Etta, "Has he had...lessons or something?"

"No. But he just tuned the thing."

Teddie started to play a song. It was 'Yesterday' by the Beatles. He played it all the way through. Then he started over and sang it - one verse.

'Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.

Now I need a place to hide away.

I believed in yesterday."

He was looking at Susan all the time. He held up the guitar. "My place to hide away."

Susan now understood.

Teddie said, "I'm hungry. Do we have lunch?"

Susan led him into the kitchen and the three ate sandwiches. Not much was said. The two women were digesting the events just past, as well as their turkey on ryes.

When they finished their sandwiches, Etta said, "I think it's time for me let you two....adjust." She got her purse and left.

Teddie looked at his wife across the table. He said, "I don't know you. Never knew who you were, really. I let you fool me. So, who are you?"

Susan was so totally floored by the events that had happened after Teddie came into the house and by his question that she was hardly able to catch her breath.

She said, "I...I...I can't explain. I don't know."

Teddie asked, "How will you find out? Or, maybe you don't want that."

Susan was a very intelligent person. She was used to being in control, especially with Teddie. And she now realized that it was all chimeral. Her control. She'd surely given Teddie quite a bit of herself, but she hadn't...hadn't seen all of Teddie. Just as he hadn't seen all of her.

She said, "You're not who I thought."

"I am, though. I was always right here. I never tried to fool you, like you did me. I have problems relating to people. Inside, though, I see them. I watch them. I didn't watch you. You swept me away."

She said, "Now you...you're gonna watch. I won't have all of you. Shit."

Teddie was calm. He watched her. She fled up the stairs.

Teddie shrugged to himself. He thought, 'After all, she fucked around. What did she expect?' He wondered if they could make it work - for Betty. And how it would look.

Mostly Teddie thought in pictures. Even when programming and doing math, he had pictures of the numbers in his head. His guitar ability appeared to him in moving pictures of hands playing. Stuff he saw on TV. Then pictures of hands playing other music came out. And he knew he could play the instrument. He thought that later he'd watch people playing the piano. But now he tried to see what his life would be like. And that was so much more difficult to see in pictures. Before, he had pictures of his happy family, all smiles. But when he tried to make pictures of what was to come, there was only static. Like on old late-night TV. You could watch, but there was no discernable pattern. It was disconcerting. He liked it when the pictures were clear.

Susan came down pretty soon. She said, "Teddie, I have to go get Betty from the school. She'll be so happy to see you."

"I'll be so happy to see her. We can play a while."

They did play. Betty rushed into his arms when she saw him. They held onto each other, swaying. Then she said, "We need to play dolls." She ran to get them.

Teddie had an infinite amount of patience for playing with Betty. He seemed to know what she might want to do with the dolls. This day he knew what she would do. She arranged the woman doll and the child doll, and the man doll into a tableau, around a small table. She put dishes around, and fakey food. Teddie helped her. He set the silverware around. When they were done, she stood back and looked.

Teddie said, "It's....beautiful, Betty."

She nodded.

Susan had been watching from the kitchen, as she prepared a lasagna. She set the table for three. She asked Betty to come put the silverware on. Teddie watched. Betty was happy, but with some....underlying unease. That's how it seemed to Teddie. No way around it, really. They had a nice dinner, and both parents made a real effort to be nice to Betty. And to each other. They made bedtime a combined project. Teddie read a Pooh story. Betty fell asleep.

He and Susan crept down to the kitchen. Teddie helped her clean up. They didn't say much. But, after, they sat in the front room and Teddie asked, "Are you going to keep up with....other men?"

"I hope not, Teddie. I believe I can give it up. You know, it wasn't any shortcomings on your part. It was my....my....I have an empty spot sometimes. Even with you and Betty for me. I don't want to do drugs."

"So, you do men? That's not...it can't have been...."

"Teddie, I know that I'm a nice looking, intelligent woman. I know it in my mind. But in my emotional self, I doubt. It's fucked up. I've been talking to a shrink about it all, since the accident."

"Who?"

"Andrea Milton. She's really not a shrink. She's a psychologist. But she lets me talk."

"She doesn't tell you stuff?"

"Sometimes. She says....that I was attracted to you because I had control. You know?"

"Oh. I do know. You took me from loneliness to better. And the sex."

She smiled. "Yeah. The sex was always great."

"So?"

"You know, until Richard I never had any guy more than twice. It only happened three or four times a year. Always away from here."

"Why Richard?"

"He was like a drug to me. I wasn't in control with him. He was. Mostly. He was a jerk. But I still did it."

Teddie nodded. He said, "He's dead."

"Yeah. I remember."

"But there are any number of assholes in the world to pick from."

"I won't."

"You might."

"I swear, Teddie. I'll be able to see it coming now. Head it off."

"See Big Dick coming. What about your hook ups? They seem different. Different.....motive. Self-affirming. Dick wasn't that."

She sighed. She said, "Shit, Teddie, you sound like Andrea. I believe the hook ups were really like Big Dick. The hook ups are normally jerks. I....I like it when they nail me. Sorry."

"Maybe I should meet Andrea."

She smiled. She said, "She's hot. You'll like her."

Susan got permission to bring Teddie that Wednesday - two days away. Life at the house continued as it started. A kind of limbo. Teddie started teaching Betty how to play the guitar. He got her one to fit her hands. He also ordered a banjo for himself. Susan was completely astounded that he could play at all. But he demonstrated to her that he could play almost anything. Betty took it in stride. She loved the music.

Wednesday came - noon appointment.

Andrea was hot indeed. She was older than they - maybe forty. She was blond, dressed stylishly and wore very sexy glasses. Huh.

Introductions were made and Andrea asked Teddie why he wanted to come.

"I hope to understand why things...went south. I guess they were always there, and I didn't know."

Andrea said, "I hear you learned to play the guitar by watching TV."

"Yes. Well, I mimicked the hand movements."

"Why did you do it?"

"I was bored, and there were instructional tapes. Then I saw Clapton. He's great. Well, except for the vaccine stuff. He's great at the guitar."

"So, you can play rock and blues?"

"Sure."

"Susan, how have you reacted to this?"

"He's some kind of genius. You never know what's going on in his head."

Andrea said, "You knew he loved you, right?"

"Yes. I knew it for sure."

She asked Teddie, "How do you feel about Susan now, since you know she cheated?"

"We spoke about it. What we had can't be put back together. Maybe some new thing, but not if she's seeing other guys."

Andrea was silent for a moment. Then she asked, "Teddie, how do you feel about Richard's death?"

"An accident. He shouldn't have been where he was, though. I can't say I feel bad for him."

"No guilt?"

"If, you know, it was like an ordinary road accident that was my fault, I'd feel real bad. But it wasn't." Teddie looked spooked, though. He did sometimes have nightmares about killing Big Dick. He wasn't going to say that just then, though.

Andrea said, "Maybe I don't believe you, Teddie."

Teddie said, "I flicked off. But I still saw him die. I'm ambivalent, let's say"

"Susan, how do you feel about it? Teddie killed your lover."

Susan sighed. "I didn't love the guy. I did admire him in some way. And, you know..."

Teddie said, "I didn't do it on purpose, Susan."

Susan hesitated. "I believe that....somewhat. But you were pissed off enough to come fast into the parking lot."

"Yep. And if I'd parked the truck, I would have beat the shit out of him, maybe more."

Andrea asked, "And Susan, would you have hit her?"

"No. No, I couldn't. Maybe I would have wanted it. But, no."

"Because you love her."

"I still love her. I don't...I won't stand for other guys. I think she should be able to do that. At least for Betty."

Susan said, "Why is it a hard line? The hook ups?"

Teddie said, "I have thought about it. I don't know why for sure. But I do know how I feel."

Andrea said, "What if you got to do the same? Hook ups."

Teddie said, "I don't want other women." Then he smiled. "Well maybe except for you."

That statement brought a gasp from Susan, but silence from Andrea. A long time of silence. She expected that Teddie would apologize, or say he was joking. He didn't.

Finally, she said, "Out of bounds, Teddie."

"But...but true. I don't expect to get you. I'm...I try to be honest."

Susan said, "Maybe not always the best thing to do."

"I have less impulse control, sometimes, than I'd prefer. I just say what...."

Susan asked, "Teddie, if we get back, I'll do my best. I think I can do it."

Teddie replied, "I know you'll try. You'll succeed for probably a long time. Maybe not forever. Then I'm up the creek. Right now, I feel so bad. It's a big risk for me."

Andrea said, "Susan and I will work on it, Teddie. But now our time's up."

The next day Susan went to see Etta at lunchtime. Etta was home, and surprised to see her daughter-in-law.

She said, "What? How was the therapy?"

Susan said, "It went okay. I need some advice. About Teddy."

"You mean how to get him back on board, right?"

"Yes. At therapy he was adamant about...about me and other men. I love him, but maybe I can't....can't stop altogether. If he isn't embarrassed, why can't he tolerate that?"

"Well, that lawyer was way overboard. You know that, too."

"Yeah. But when I go on work trips, you know, I can pick up a guy at a bar, get what I need. But I feel like I can't not tell Teddy. I need him to understand."

"What do you get from the hook-ups?"

Susan smiled. "I pick up a good-looking jerk, and I let him nail me to the mattress. Make me feel...helpless."

Etta just smiled.

Susan said, "I believe you may understand, Etta."

"Maybe. Maybe I do. So? I don't have a vulnerable husband. The jerk who nailed me to the mattress was my husband. I was such a fool to marry him. But that's long past."

Susan paused. "What's your advice?"

Etta said, "I think Teddy would be happier with you than without you. Even if you do random hook-ups. I take it that he couldn't satisfy that need you have."

"No. He belongs to me, Etta. When we have sex, he belongs to me. I taught him almost everything he knows. He's big and strong, and he's all mine."

"So, to start, when you go home, rape him." Etta got a big smile when she said that.

Susan was not shocked by that suggestion. She wouldn't have called it rape. Not quite. Teddy would be willing, after initial resistance.

Etta watched Susan's face. She said, "I see the idea isn't a new one."

"No. Tonight. Gotta do it."

Etta said, "One thing, Susan, you cannot have some other guy's children. If you go off the pill, it's only Teddy."

"I would never risk that, Etta. If I go off the pill, I can wait until I'm knocked up."

Etta said, "I guess."

Susan said, "Why did you....you know...Teddy?"

"I liked the guy, and I didn't like my husband. He never knew, but he left anyway. Some red head."

"Well, I love Teddy. He's in for it tonight."

Susan and Teddy put Betty to bed, and Susan went to take a shower. She heard the shower running in Teddy's 'guest room' study. There was a nice double bed in there. 'Scene of the crime' was what she thought as she put on a short robe and went into Teddy's sanctuary.

Teddy came out of the shower naked, drying his hair with his towel. He looked up and saw Susan. He stopped. He felt himself getting weak. Susan dropped the robe. Teddy was willing himself to back away. But his feet didn't move. His cock, though, did move. Susan saw that and gave him a big smile.

She spoke softly, "You're mine, Teddy Bear. Resistance is futile."

He knew she was speaking the truth.

She advanced on him and shoved him back toward the bed. His knees hit and he was on his back. Susan straddled his chest. She was still shaved. She liked herself like that. She lowered her sex onto Teddy's face.

"Lick me, Teddy. Make me come."

After she'd had two nice orgasms, Susan took pity on Teddy and mounted him. They fucked for a very short time, but a totally intense one for Teddy. It was almost like his first time with her.

After, Susan lay on top of him, licking her juices from his face. Teddy felt so weak, almost despairing. But her licking his face got him hard again.

Susan began to hump him slowly. She whispered, "You're so weak for me, Teddy. You don't have to worry, though. I'll always take care of you. I won't embarrass you ever again. I'll give you kids. As many as you want." She was moving slowly and squeezing him. He moaned. He felt completely trapped under her. He was as erotically charged as ever he could remember. Then, his entire body - head to toe - seemed to drain itself into his groin, then into his cock. Then into his wife.

She kissed his lips. And, despite all that had happened, he was content. Exhausted. But at peace. He was who he was. He was Susan's husband, Betty's dad. A family man.

They slept.

When Teddy woke, he smelled bacon. He heard Susan and Betty laughing. He rolled out of bed, showered, went to have breakfast.

DOWN ROAD A WAYS:

Betty's twelfth birthday party was a blast. Her sisters, Mary and Anne were there, of course. Susan's parents. Etta. Aunt June and Aunt Jade and their kids. Jade's husband Blake. June was divorced. Some neighbors and kids from Betty's school.

Susan and Teddy sat together on a swing, his arm around her.

Susan said, "Happy?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Yep. You're the best, Teddy. Better than all the rest." She sang that last. Teddy laughed.

Then he got up, picked up his tenor banjo and played a reel for the party. It was flawless.

The end.