Unbelievable Pt. 05

"Okay," John said in passing, only to stop before turning down the hallway towards his and Annie's room. "Annie?"

"Yes Johnny," Annie replied, her eyes stared at his back, her right hand clutched the hem of her dress. She had brought a great many along with her. She wanted her brother to see just how beautiful she was in them when she wore them just for him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take my anger out on you. I'll try to work on that," Johnny said, keeping his back to them.

"Okay," Annie said, with a trembling voice. All night long she had worried that he blamed her for Julia's death as well. There wasn't a day that didn't go by that she didn't plead with her parents to take her with them when they went to visit John. Yet as always they stated that they shouldn't see John in that state before dumping them at their grandparents place before heading to see John. She knew if she had been there she was sure she could've gotten them to believe her... somehow. "I'm just glad your home, and that your safe," Annie said, in a loving manner. The tension was palpable as John walked down the hall without another word.

*******

"Hello Johnny," Dr. Copper greeted as she, John who sat off to her left and the rest of his family along with Ruth and Wanda as they all sat to the right of her in the rearranged living room. She had arrived a tad early to get a room set up to give John the distance he obviously needed from his family. That smile of his that he used to greet her always creeped her out. Every time he did it she could see a little of the madness that he let show to the world. She prayed that no one ever truly got to see what he holds back from everyone, she suspected with himself as well. She noted how Annie, and her brothers inched closer to the edge of their seats, it was as if they had seen that smile before and knew what came with it. She also made a note how he allowed only her to be that close to him, if Dr. Copper could call the six feet that separated them close. "Before we get started your parents have informed me about Julia... Ah hell!" She cursed to herself as she felt the temperature going down to the subzero range as John glared at his parents.

"We," his voice took on a hard tone as he gazed at Dr. Copper, "are not, going to talk about her, understood?!" Johnny stated firmly.

"Johnny... talking about her might..."

"Dr?" Brandan spoke up seeing the look in Johnny's eyes that she was pushing too hard, and she wasn't going to like what came next.

"Not to you," Johnny growled low. The chair creaked; the stuffing of the armrest compressed as his grip upon them turned deadly. "Understood?" he asked once again, his tone hard, his gaze cold at he leaned towards Dr. Copper.

"I understand Johnny, I only want to help you deal with the grief of her death," Dr. Copper said, striking three lines beneath Julia's name knowing if she opened that door it might be a double-edge knife to John.

"I've dealt with her death," Johnny said, into his chest.

"Then why do you still mourn Johnny?" Annie asked, sweetly. "No. He can't be?! Not after all this time," she thought to herself seeing it in his eyes once he looked at her.

"It's the learning to live every day without her that I have trouble with," Johnny said, somberly. "Not something you can help with now is it?" His eyes glanced over to Dr. Copper.

"I can try Johnny if you let me," Dr. Copper stated, while silently noting how that statement pulled the heart strings of the women in the room, if she was truthful, with herself as well. "Now your father has informed me that he went to Raven Dale Sanitarium the other day, he also took a video while they were walking through it. Would you care to narrate for us?" she asked, hoping that if she could get him to talk about it then it could finally help him heal some of the lingering wounds from his stay in that place.

"Why? I don't need to see some rat infested shithole. Some old papers, empty rooms isn't going to tell you shit. If you think that is going to give some magical insight into my head then you're far more crazy than I am. I see that place enough already, why do I need to see more of that... Hell?" Johnny asked, looking right at Dr. Copper.

"To help all of us to understand what it was like there," Dr. Copper said, earning her a look from John that plainly asked: 'Are you stupid?'

"How? Surely, you didn't splice in audio of women getting raped, the screams of the other inmates torture did ya? The smell of your own shit and piss in the mornings because they thought it would be funny to wrangle us into our straitjackets and watch us dance around for twelve hours. Then the days of laying in it unable to wash yourself. Can that video show any of what I just described?" Johnny asked, the shock in her eyes was genuine.

"But Johnny you were always washed, in clean clothes when we came to see you," Katherine said, her Kleenex was crunched in her hands as her eyes quivered as John rolled his eyes before looking at her like she was an idiot.

"Right, like they were just going to come out and show you just what they are," Johnny said, sarcastically. "You do realize that was the only shower I ever got right? Do you even realize what it was like for the other kids that had no one? The filth they had to live in because no one cared? No one cared enough to listen. Someone can only repeat the same plea before that person realizes where he or she stands with said group." His eyes boring into his mother.

Katherine couldn't take it anymore. Surging off the couch, her legs propelling her across the room. Dr. Copper was too caught off guard to stop it, by then it was too late. John's arms flew through the air as Katherine's abrupt hug sent him and her along with the chair backwards to the floor.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry baby, I thought I was doing what was best for you. I thought that place was meant to help you, not making you go through things that are tantamount to war crimes! I can't take back the things your father and I have done in the past. All I can do is help you, support you in carrying this hurt if you let me," Katherine said apologetically, as she hugged her son very tightly. "I know nothing I say will ever make you forgive me. Yet I am truly sorry about Julia, the girl you loved, died because we couldn't see. I never wanted you to experience that sweetheart."

"And yet she did, and I'm the one who has to carry the image of her broken body in my mind. I'm the one who has to stare into those dead eyes of hers every night. Not. You. Now get off your crushing my nuts," Johnny groaned.

"Sorry," Katherine said, bashfully.

Dr. Copper's hand was moving quickly along her pad, this was far more information than John had ever given out since she started to see him as a patient. She knew she had such a big hurdle before her just to address this. Yet she feared that she might not gain the trust she needed with John to help him heal from the pain of his past. "Johnny?" Dr. Copper called out to him, her eyes slyly noting how he rubbed his groin. "Ever since you came to me three years ago, I've sensed an animosity towards me. If you like, if I'm not giving you the help you need, I can find someone you're more comfortable with."

"Its not you, its your profession," Johnny said, matter-of-factly. "I have reason not to trust anyone of you."

"Johnny, does that include me?" Bill asked, feeling Ruth taking hold of his hand as John nodded.

"You more so, you know all them secrets from a past that I no longer remember," Johnny stated truthfully.

"But I would never use those against you?!" Bill said, scooting forward.

"How do I know that?" Johnny asked, confused. "For the past three years, I've been thrust into a life I no longer see as my own. With people I don't trust," glancing at his father seeing the sadness on his face, "so tell me how would you react knowing not one of them would understand an ounce of what you went through? You wait, bide your time until it was time to leave for good..."

"Duke!" Katherine gasped. Her fingers covered her trembling lips when John nodded.

"But..."

"Go on Johnny," Dr. Copper said, reassuringly.

"That's not going to happen... like ever." Johnny had a forlorn look on his face as he stared down at his lap.

Dr. Copper watched as Annie rose from her seat. Lowering herself to the floor before John. Reaching out taking his hands into hers. She kept her curious look hidden as she noted the look in Annie's eyes.

"Johnny, look at me Johnny," Annie cooed her blue-green eyes stared into his hoping that he could see the love she had for him within them. "Trust works both ways Johnny. These three years haven't been easy on us either. You aren't the same boy as when you went in, you wouldn't tell us why or what happened. Every time we tried you would close yourself off like you're doing now. Do you know how hurtful that is to me, to us?" she asked, with quivering eyes. "These past two weeks have felt like I was getting the old you back in part. I wish I could help you get back what they took from you. Maybe in time they will return on their own, I hope so. If not, we can always make new ones, and recreate the old ones," Annie said, feeling her cheeks heat recounting their first kiss. "Yet that can never be if you cut us(me), out of your life," she spoke softly as her thumbs gently brushed along the backs of his hands.

"So you might not be able to live on your own. I can understand how that might suck, but don't you see, we will be there. Life outside of high school is hard... don't give me that look," Annie said, in a sisterly voice as she slapped his forearm. "It will be best for you, Johnny, to have us there to help you when it seems too much for you. Now," gently squeezing his hands knowing what she was going to say next would be hard on him, "please, will you watch the video with us? I'd really like to try to understand what happened to you there."

"Watch it if you want, don't expect me to," Johnny said, trying not to let his fear touch his words.

"Ms. Masters please retake your seat. Let's give Johnny some space," Dr. Copper said, with a warm, kind smile. "Now Johnny if, at any time, you feel like you need to stop you just tell me." Noting the time, they had passed the thirty minute mark, while she wanted to spend the next hour going over what had caused the episode the other day. It seemed their family ties needed the immediate attention.

Honestly, John couldn't remember the day they had took him to that place. He was pretty heavily sedated or that's what he had been told. So when he saw the front of the Sanitarium appear on the TV he felt nothing; nor did he when they walked through the front entrance. The only time he had ever seen them in person was when the police led him out after the county's social services had come in and helped to clean up the children and give hot, filling meals that he and the others didn't have to beg for. John's eyes dropped as he began to study the tops of his legs.

"This is the wing Johnny was in, isn't it Bill?" John glanced up; his left hand instantly gripped the armrest of his chair. That little noise was enough to get Brandan's and Katherine's attention. They watched as their son's breathing began to quicken. The fright in John's eyes as the label for 'Ward E' showed on the TV screen. They were about to say something until Dr. Copper lifted her hand to stay their voice.

"Johnny what are you feeling right now?" Dr. Copper asked, as she watched how he pulled his legs up onto the seat. Noting the way his arms were wrapped around them telling her he was protecting himself from the memories of that place.

"Please.... Please... turn it off," Johnny whispered. The sound of keys echoed in his mind. The sound of them swaying back and forth bumping against the orderly's leg tormenting him. Driving him further into that dark well of fear. The sound of those flat soled shoes on the waxed floor hammered in his ears. Burying his face in the crevice of his knees. Cold sweat began to form on his skin as those wicked, loud footfalls drew near. "Turn it off!" Johnny screamed out. Rocking himself in his seat, his body trembling as his mind tormented him. "P-p-please." The word left his lips in a weak whisper.

Dr. Copper saw how his mother and sister wanted to go to him. Yet she knew that wouldn't go well with John at the moment. Plus, if he was closing in on an episode, she had the training needed to bring him out of it. She couldn't rely on Katherine; she was lucky that John was still somewhat aware of his surroundings to bring him out of it the other day. Dr. Copper couldn't take that chance. Telling them to remain seated as she got to her feet. She normally didn't do this, yet sometimes a soft touch could convey things far more than simple words could. She really did want to help John. Nonetheless, it seemed to her she had to show him she could be trusted. To do that her actions must speak for her.

"Johnny, I hear you, see its off," Dr. Copper said, lightly touching his arm to get his attention as she switched off the TV. "Would you rather speak about this alone?"

To Be Continued...